Negotiating Sex with your partner part 1

"My partner wants me to talk dirty to him, be rough and call him names. I have a real hard time with any of that even though he's asked me to on more than one occasion."

One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof.

The main goal in any couples counseling relationship is open and honest communication about what you want, what makes you happy, and what you don’t want. A key component of sexual health is a similarity between your values and your behaviors. It's your responsibility to communicate these values with your partner(s). The decision about the degree to which any behavior is consistent with your values ultimately rests with you.

As you think about sex with your partner, there are four general subjects that are important to address.

1) Tell him – Have you communicated what you like and don’t like with your partner? Too many times I’ve run into couples saying to one another “I didn’t know that.” For any number of reasons (shame, self-esteem, fear of being judged, not wanting to upset their partner), clients won’t talk about their likes and dislikes. Now is not the time to be bashful.

2) Ask him – Once you know what you like, do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? It's important not only to know what but why he or she has these interests. For example, I worked with a couple where one guy wouldn’t bottom because it physically hurt. It turned out the pain was due to anal warts, and once those were addressed, the problem went away.

3) Learn – Don't be shy if you don't know how to do something. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you need to learn some basics regarding foreplay, stretching the sphincter muscle, proper clean up and so on.

4) Get help – If after going through the first 3 steps you find you are still having problems, you may want to seek some outside help. This doesn't necessarily mean therapy or counseling, although professional help is a very good option for more challenging problems. Try having a frank, "out of the box" conversation in which you look at creative outlets and avenues to get your sexual needs met. These could include talking to your spiritual adviser, attending a body electric or similar sexuality workshop, or reading "The Joy of Gay Sex." Each of these interventions might be helpful in breaking the log jam in your relationship.

New Years Resolutions

One of the traditions at the start of a new year is the typical "New Years Resolutions." Examples include those such as a "promise" to not do that again, improve your body, exercise more, and/or to improve your health. As you examine your life, I encourage you to identify a specific and measurable commitment you are willing to take in any of the topics within the concept of sexual health (That means you have a range of topics to from which to select). The task you select should be time focused, measurable, and reflective of your goals. I'd encourage you to also think "incremental" versus an all or nothing approach. Some examples that might be helpful.

1) I will spend 1 hour quality time with my partner on a daily basis.

2) I will spend no more than 1 hour per day using the computer for sexual behavior.

3) I will attend 1 meeting per week.

4) I will exercise 20 minutes 3 times per week.

Once you reach this goal on a regular basis, you can change or add an additional goal. So, once you have decreased the amount of time to 1 hour a week, you might change the goal to no more than 30 minutes per day. You might increase your support network by finding another way to get your intimacy needs met in a healthy way.

Share your goal with 2 other people to gain support.

Weston

Topic 4: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan

Occasionally, I receive feedback from colleagues that leads to a new topic. A friend suggested that he has worked with clients who need an immediate behavior plan to help them radically interrupt the acting out cycle. Of course, I responded. While it was implicit in the workbook, the conversation lead to a new topic. For those who have the workbook, consider this assignment topic 3.5.


Topic 4: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan
Often what brings a person to therapy is the fact that there are immediate behaviors that are interfering in one’s life. These behaviors need to be stopped right away before any additional consequences (legal, emotional, relational) occur. This assignment is to help you clarify what your immediate problem behaviors and develop immediate plans. (By the end of the workbook, you will develop long-term sexual healthy behavior plans.)

To begin with, answer the following questions:
1) Review what brought you into treatment. What are the problematic behaviors?
2) Review the sexual timeline. What are the behaviors that are of immediate concern?
3) Think forward into the future, what current behaviors do you want to stop?

Your assignment is to identify which behaviors you want to stop and to develop the short-term plan to help you meet you goals. For this assignment, these are the most important behaviors that need to stop now. In medical triage, you treat the most important issues first. When someone is bleeding for example, you don’t worry about a temperature until after the bleeding has stopped. Now, think about the plan for the next week, 30 days, or even 90 days. This plan is short term and is meant to help you build on short-term successes. I’ve included some examples of interventions that might be helpful.

1) I will not go online to internet sex sites.
2) I will not go to public sex sites
3) I will not have sex outside my relationship.
4) I will not have sex for the next week (or the next 30 days).
5) I will not masturbate to unhealthy fantasies for the next week.
6) What do I need to put in place to help me succeed


There is a high probability that you might fail. Interrupting and stopping the cycle is difficult. If it was as easy as saying “I’m not going to do this anymore” you would have already stopped! The key is to keep trying and address the issues why you fail. If and when you fail, completing a behavioral analysis (discussed at the end of stage 1)is important. You will be able to use what you learn from the process to uncover your unique components to the acting out cycle (which is addressed next) and help you strengthen your plans.