A few weeks ago (March 13) I talked about the role of discernment. Discernment is the process of deciding, choosing, and uncovering for yourself what is at your core and your personal truth. As part of the discernment process, integrity is essential. A quick definition of integrity is meaning what you say and saying what you mean. And for most people in the depths of addiction and compulsivity, all integrity has been lost. Trust of you by another person is built on your integrity. Early in the process, integrity is absent. Two recent examples in my practice highlight the importance of integrity.
A client who I hadn’t seen for many years let me know he celebrated 9-months free from meth use. In offering congratulations, I asked how was he able to stay sober. His response was “I discovered I wasn’t being honest about stopping. Yeah, I told you I wanted to stop, but I was still glamorizing the drug and sex.”
Another client talked about a recent use of pornography. He said “I’m not able to stop viewing porn. Oh, by the way, my wife thinks pornography is a problem, but I don’t. “
Both examples highlight the role and difficulty of integrity. Only when you’re transparent about who and what is important in your life, can you build integrity. It is imperative that you be radically honest in the process. Tell everything to your support network. If you engaged in a behavior, say so. Minimizing is a failure of integrity and feeds the acting out cycle. Sharing every interior/secret thought helps uncover the multiple rationales behind your behavior. Saying you want “A” because your partner wants “A” is a failure of integrity. Being honest about what you want, for example, reduces resentment.
Building integrity requires recognizing the disconnect between what you say and what you do, and then completing the steps toward honesty. It requires work, and conflict may ensue. There are ways to recognize the level of integrity in your life. Think about the following:
1) When someone asks, “How are you today?” do you respond with a bland response or with integrity? “It’s a good day” or “It’s a bad day.”
2) When you engage in a conversation about where to eat, for example, do you put your opinion out there, or simply “go along?”
3) When you struggle with a goal, are you sure that it is YOUR goal. Are you ready to put the work toward reaching the goal? For example, do you really want to loose the 15 lbs, or are you simply bowing to the pressures of culture saying you should when you really don’t want to do what is necessary regarding diet and exercise.
4) When your partner says, “stop that” do you agree with his/her request, or do you go along with the request to avoid conflict? For example, I agree to no porn. Or, I agree to engage in sex today.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Recovery and balance
“The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail. But hope remains, if friends stay true.” Tolkien, Fellowship of the Ring.
The quest for sexual health, for recovery, for life is a journey requiring balance. And yet, balance is the aspect that is missing the most. Until balance is discovered, recovery is at risk. It doesn’t take much to push the individual off the edge resulting in damage, hurt, and pain both for the individual and his/her network.
Individuals in early recovery struggle with the concept of balance. Regardless of the type of compulsivity/addiction, an individual losses balance in their life. Like a spinning top, an addict’s life is spinning more and more out of control until it crashes. When the addict picks up the banner of recovery, he or she may start the recovery with the same fervor of the addiction. Instead of 90 in 90, they go to 90 in 90 volunteering as trusted servant, 8 sponsors and by day 90 have 3 sponsees. There is a move from multiple sexual acting out to absolute abstinence that denies the sexuality of the individual. This spinning top of “recovery” continues until a relapse occurs because of the lack of balance.
Three strategies for developing balance are:
1) Develop a plan.
As you start the recovery process, with your treatment team and support network it is important to develop a recovery plan. In that plan you need to define what recovery will look like for the next 90-180 days. Components of the plan include arrangements addressing living, treatment, relationship, and aftercare aspects of recovery. Obviously a higher level of structure and insight into the plan are important.
2) Follow the plan.
Once you have the plan, FOLLOW the plan. If you and your team develop a plan that you don’t like, say so at the beginning. If you agree to the plan, follow it. This sounds obvious, but I’ve seen plenty of plans that are not followed leading to a relapse.
3) Follow the plan.
What, he just said that. Too often, people will change the plan because they don’t like it. I encourage people in early recovery to stick to the plan unless there is imminent danger. Yes, it may be work, uncomfortable, or disliked. But sticking to the plan is about addressing the factors leading to the relapse. Making quick changes is a warning sign. Changes that are reactive are a concern. Changes that are reflective are possible when discussed. When changes are necessary, the changes need to be reviewed with your support network and treatment team.
The quest for sexual health, for recovery, for life is a journey requiring balance. And yet, balance is the aspect that is missing the most. Until balance is discovered, recovery is at risk. It doesn’t take much to push the individual off the edge resulting in damage, hurt, and pain both for the individual and his/her network.
Individuals in early recovery struggle with the concept of balance. Regardless of the type of compulsivity/addiction, an individual losses balance in their life. Like a spinning top, an addict’s life is spinning more and more out of control until it crashes. When the addict picks up the banner of recovery, he or she may start the recovery with the same fervor of the addiction. Instead of 90 in 90, they go to 90 in 90 volunteering as trusted servant, 8 sponsors and by day 90 have 3 sponsees. There is a move from multiple sexual acting out to absolute abstinence that denies the sexuality of the individual. This spinning top of “recovery” continues until a relapse occurs because of the lack of balance.
Three strategies for developing balance are:
1) Develop a plan.
As you start the recovery process, with your treatment team and support network it is important to develop a recovery plan. In that plan you need to define what recovery will look like for the next 90-180 days. Components of the plan include arrangements addressing living, treatment, relationship, and aftercare aspects of recovery. Obviously a higher level of structure and insight into the plan are important.
2) Follow the plan.
Once you have the plan, FOLLOW the plan. If you and your team develop a plan that you don’t like, say so at the beginning. If you agree to the plan, follow it. This sounds obvious, but I’ve seen plenty of plans that are not followed leading to a relapse.
3) Follow the plan.
What, he just said that. Too often, people will change the plan because they don’t like it. I encourage people in early recovery to stick to the plan unless there is imminent danger. Yes, it may be work, uncomfortable, or disliked. But sticking to the plan is about addressing the factors leading to the relapse. Making quick changes is a warning sign. Changes that are reactive are a concern. Changes that are reflective are possible when discussed. When changes are necessary, the changes need to be reviewed with your support network and treatment team.
Monday, April 5, 2010
What does a relapse in sexual addiction mean?
In the field of sexual compulsivity treatment, addressing the reality of a relapse is important. It is highy probably that you will experience some type of relapse around your high-risk situations, feeling triggers or thinking errors: you will move into a realm of acting out behaviors somewhere in your process. Why? Most likely because you’re HUMAN! Being human acknowledges that perfection is not possible. Here are a few suggestions to help you address a sexual health relapse.
1) In the process of moving toward sexual health, to assume that you will never make a mistake sets you up for the cycle of shame and guilt that is probably a big part of your cycle at this point. Now, this doesn’t mean being human is permission to relapse (nice thinking error), but it does provide a starting point toward self-forgiveness.
2) It is remarkably easy to relapse. Depending on the circumstances, the ease by which a relapse occurs is shockingly easy. If sexually explicit material is a form of relapse, simply walking in a mall could lead to a relapse (Seriously, have you seen the display windows!). Recognizing the ease by which triggers occur helps frame a plan for ongoing sexual health.
3) Relapse can help you learn. By examining the relapse, you can uncover new factors associated with your acting out cycle as well as set up plans to address these factors. In many cases, the relapse can help prioritize treatment issues.
4) The degree of relapse is a sign of progress. Often what happens is that the intensity of acting out decreases. Rather than hooking up with someone via a website, the behavior this time might be limited to viewing sexually explicit material. While still something to be addressed, this is progress in my book. (For a more formal discussion, search out the term harm-reduction). (As with #1 above, you can’t use this to justifying acting out.)
5) Telling on yourself when a small or large relapse occurs is a reflection of the treatment progress. By using your support network, you demonstrate the ongoing skills to move toward health. The amount of disclosure to your primary network is a measure of your progress. Your ability to learn from the relapse is also a measure of your progress.
1) In the process of moving toward sexual health, to assume that you will never make a mistake sets you up for the cycle of shame and guilt that is probably a big part of your cycle at this point. Now, this doesn’t mean being human is permission to relapse (nice thinking error), but it does provide a starting point toward self-forgiveness.
2) It is remarkably easy to relapse. Depending on the circumstances, the ease by which a relapse occurs is shockingly easy. If sexually explicit material is a form of relapse, simply walking in a mall could lead to a relapse (Seriously, have you seen the display windows!). Recognizing the ease by which triggers occur helps frame a plan for ongoing sexual health.
3) Relapse can help you learn. By examining the relapse, you can uncover new factors associated with your acting out cycle as well as set up plans to address these factors. In many cases, the relapse can help prioritize treatment issues.
4) The degree of relapse is a sign of progress. Often what happens is that the intensity of acting out decreases. Rather than hooking up with someone via a website, the behavior this time might be limited to viewing sexually explicit material. While still something to be addressed, this is progress in my book. (For a more formal discussion, search out the term harm-reduction). (As with #1 above, you can’t use this to justifying acting out.)
5) Telling on yourself when a small or large relapse occurs is a reflection of the treatment progress. By using your support network, you demonstrate the ongoing skills to move toward health. The amount of disclosure to your primary network is a measure of your progress. Your ability to learn from the relapse is also a measure of your progress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
