Coping with Grief in a Relationship

The responses on my recent articles "Do all gay men cheat?" and "Are you really over your ex?" brought to light a level of hurt and grief many people experience but may not understand. As you looking toward the future and new relationships, it may be helpful to address feelings of grief and loss.

I like using analogies in my work because they can help make things easier to understand. Consider the analogy of the relationship between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader in the Star War movies Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi as a way to highlight how people cope with grief. (I realize I may be starting to date myself by picking the analogy!)

For a brief reminder, in the series the enemy, Darth Vader, says to Luke those famous words "Luke, I am your father." Luke's response is "NOOOOOOOOO" and rather than surrendering to Darth Vader he falls to what he thinks is his death only to be rescued at the last moment. The pain in Luke's yell and the desperation that leads to the fall highlights the power of denial in grief and loss. When a relationship ends, the loss leads to the emotional fall. Rather than deal with the truth, we may run away and avoid the reality of the loss.

A few scenes later, Luke is talking to Obi Wan Kenobi saying, "Why didn't you tell me?" The tone of his voice is clearly anger. In this case, the anger is not "explosive yelling" but "cold simmering." The "how dare you look" that can send shivers down a person's spine. In my opinion, the cold simmering is a scarier expression of anger than explosive reactions.

In that same scene, Obi Wan responds to some of the questions by saying "from a certain point of view" the good person of your father died when he became the bad guy. He is introducing the concept of bargaining in coping with the grief of relationships.

As you look at your last relationship, from a certain point of view, it may be better to be out of the unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we may want to avoid the unhealthy aspects of the old relationship simply because we don't want to feel the grief. Moving toward health is to recognize that sometimes the end of a relationship might be healthy.

Near the end of the 3rd movie, Return of the Jedi, Leah asks, "What's wrong?" Luke's response is "Ask me later." Sometimes in the grief process, we simply don't want to talk about it. It may be too painful or take too much energy.

Luke also exhibits the final stage of grief, acceptance in the Return of the Jedi. Luke has come to acknowledge Darth Vader as his father. The acceptance doesn't lead to paralysis but instead turns into action to save the good guys from the evil Emperor. Luke's grief has even been transformed into action to save his father. In the same way, once we have addressed the grief, we get to the point where we can live a full life. We are also able to relate to others in a healthy way. And the past relationship isn't necessarily in the way of our next relationship. We may even be ready to reach out to our ex from a place of love and concern.

If you are coping with grief regarding a previous relationship, where do you see yourself? What can you do to move forward? Oh, and may the Force be with you!

Are you really over your ex?

She's packed her bags, gotten a new apartment and you've both moved on with your lives but have you really gotten "over" your ex? Many people think they have but if you read the comments to my last article "Do All Gay Men Cheat?" you quickly see an enormous amount of pain and anger people in the responses.

When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, there is going to be some amount of 
"garbage" of hurt and anger that needs to be actively dealt with. If you don't clear it away many of you will find some major barriers to having successful future relationships.

Impact Today
First thing you need to do is to take a good look at your current situation and try to figure out how the relationship relates to your life today. Specifically you're looking to identify how your past relationships impact your sexual behavior and also how your sexual behavior impacts your relationships.

Ask yourself the following questions:

* Do you do things you know are wrong because of something your partner did? Why?
* Was your partner’s behavior a response to something you did? Why?
* Are you avoiding relationships? Why?

Identifying Barriers

When a dog bites a child, there is a very good chance the child will have a negative reaction to dogs in the future. This is an example of transference. When you have a reaction to a current partner, it is often based on your past experiences. When these experiences are positive, your reactions are typically helpful. However, when they are negative they can create a barrier that may possibly doom a new relationship. What barriers are you experiencing today?

Unresolved Issues

Then there may be some "unresolved issues" affecting you that are a result of past relationships. Some of these include depression, abuse (physical, mental, verbal), the coming out process or feelings of shame and guilt. Sometimes the feelings of grief and hurt are so strong, some type of grief therapy may be needed to move past them. Until these are addressed you may be stuck on an escalator trying to go the wrong way.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is NOT about forgetting.

Forgiveness is NOT about letting the other person off the hook.

Forgiveness is about YOUR healing.



Forgiveness includes helping you heal from negative thoughts while at the same time helping you let go of painful feelings. It's an extreme act of compassion when you can forgive the person who hurt you. In some religious traditions, an example of raising forgiveness to a radical expression is offering compassion to your ex. This brings about YOUR radical transformation.

Ways to Move Forward

* Write a goodbye letter. You can be totally honest and open with your feelings because you aren't going to be mailing this letter. When you're finished show the letter to a number of close friends and family who can act as your "support network." Listen to what they have to say about it then put that letter aside and write a new one. Don't edit your existing letter but write out a brand new one. Then share this letter with your support group. Repeat writing the letter and sharing again. Repeat again. After you have done this about 10 times go back and review each version of your letter. By doing this you have really begun the healing process. If you choose, send the 10th version of the letter.

* Reach out to friends, family and professionals for the support you need.
* Establish a boundary. Your ex’s behavior is about your ex, despite what he/she may say. This is important to remember. Remind yourself of this mantra. 

* Complete an inventory and honestly assess your role in the break-up. You will need to step out of the victim role to recognize it takes two to dance.

Grief

Another issue sometimes connected with the acting out cycle is grief. Various theories have talked about the process of grief. The theory I like best is provided by Kubler-Ross where she identified five stages of grief. Her original research has focused on death of a loved one through terminal cancer. Subsequent researchers have modified or adapted her model, but the common reference in all of those models is a comparison to the original model. The five stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.

Three adaptations or expansions of the model that I include are: one, the role of perceived losses and two, the role of small losses, and three the “time focus” of grief. Sometimes feelings of grief result from a loss such as a death of a loved one as originally highlighted by Kubler-Ross. Grief from other losses can have a powerful impact in a person’s life. Feelings of grief may be due to the end of a relationship or friendship. It is important to highlight that grief may be due to the loss of hopes, dreams, and/or fantasies. For example, in the coming out process, depression is sometimes present because of the loss of the expectation that life was supposed to be a certain way and recognizing a same-sex identity brings an end to the expectation. Sometimes, the symbolic meaning of an event, location or person triggers a great experience of loss. Moving from your home results in a recognition of the end of a relationship. These perceived losses can have the same impact as a tangible loss. The feelings associated with the loss of a dream can parallel the loss of a partner. Third, some feelings of grief are anticipatory; in this situation, I might “see” the end of something. This may show up as “This is a bad relationship; I need to get out of it so I have sex with a third person to cause a rupture in the relationship causing it to end.” Another example is getting yourself fired because you don’t like your job.

As you review your acting out cycle, pay attention to how the following stages of grief may have played out. I’ve provided a few examples that are descriptive of how the stage might be expressed.

Denial. In this stage, this is an active thinking process of avoiding grief. For some people, they might start overworking and then use the overwork to justify the acting out behavior. With some clients who discover they are HIV+, their acting out behavior may increase because of the sense that it simply doesn’t matter anymore. Another example might be the loss of a relationship, and engaging in sexual contact because you’re lonely.

Bargaining. In this stage, there is recognition of the grief, but the coping mechanism is toward minimizing the impact of grief. “It’s not a big deal.” Or, starting to date before the grief is resolved. Another way this may be present is selecting a new partner with the thought “He/She is better than no-one.” A final example is “He/She isn’t like the last one!”

Anger: In this stage, the energy of the process of coping with grief is extended outward. Statements such as “All men are like that” may reflect an avoidance of relationships or forms of intimacy. As you could guess, these feelings might lead to isolation resulting in a subsequent acting out cycle.

Depression: Common thoughts in this stage might include “why try” or “it doesn’t matter” or even “It’ll never work out.” One of the difficulties is distinguishing between depression and grief is that depression is part of the grief process. Review the topic on depression. Might any of the symptoms you’re experiencing of depression be related to grief?

Acceptance: By this point, the grief is recognized, integrated and while present, has lost most of the power. In my mind, this means that you can acknowledge the loss, but the loss doesn’t result in a barrier to healthy relationships or daily functioning of the individual. In some cases, the loss may actually facilitate transformation. These are signs of successful adjustment to grief.

One of the critiques of Kubler-Ross’ model is the perception that the process of coping with grief is linear; that you simply go through one stage to the next, followed by stages 3, 4, and 5. My experience suggests that is cyclical; you might see parts of each stage in the moment and depending on the circumstances of the moment, experience the grief differently. The key for me is to recognize whatever the situation, it is acceptable and healthy to be present to your thoughts and feelings. A second critique is the implication that process occurs once and is rather “quick.” The manual used by the mental health field suggests that grief only lasts two months which may be too short. My experience also suggests that in some circumstances grief can exceed a year or more. And you can re-experience grief when certain rituals, anniversaries or memories are triggered.

In addressing grief and the acting out cycle, I will request clients complete the following task: Take a piece of paper, and create three columns. In the first column, list 100 experiences of real, perceived, major and/or minor experiences of loss. While 100 may seem like a lot, my experience is that people can identify more losses than they realize. Usually, this part of the assignment can take days and weeks to complete. Complete this part of the assignment before you move to columns two and three. In the second column, explain why this loss still impacts you today. Why does it have so much power now? In the third column, identify possible thinking errors or plans to address the loss. The example below can be helpful.

Type of Loss
Major loss (death)
Minor loss (plans cancelled)
Real (relationship ended)
Perceived (loss of my idea how the future would look. Explanation.
How does it impact me today?
Why does this loss have so much power? Plans and corrections.
How will you address this loss?
Is the loss based on a thinking error, if so, what is your correction?
My partner left me. I feel alone and hurt
Shame (it’s my fault).
I will never find anyone
Nobody loves me
I will talk about it with my support group and therapist. I will read a book on dating.
I didn’t get the job I’m no good
They don’t like me. I can find another job.
My job doesn’t define me.
I’m gay.

I won’t be able to have children. Everybody judges me.
I will be alone
It is a sin. I could adopt.
There are happy gay people in connected loving relationships.
Not everyone believes it is a sin; in fact some people think it is a blessing.