Relapse and Healing

Obviously, no one likes to relapse. It often feels like a failure. Rather then emphasize the failure, the process of change can take a relapse and learn from it. When you examine the conditions that occurred in a relapse, you might uncover an unknown issue; or, you might recognize an issue you were avoiding is more important than you previously believed. Similarly, you might recognize you need to develop a different plan on a topic that you thought you addressed.

Sin is doing something wrong; Hell is staying in something wrong.

As individuals move forward in recovery, I hear enough stories of being not being able to stay clean. In psychological terms, we might describe this as failure and make reference to the stopping the acting out cycle as we move forward. In 12-step language we might describe this as relapse, and highlight the powerless needed to stop the addiction. In spiritual language, we might recognize this as sin and the need to seek forgiveness. Each of the different frameworks helps us understand the same behavior through a different lens.

Using the spiritual framework, my personal definition of hell builds on the concept of sin. If sin is doing something wrong, hell is staying in something wrong. I encounter individuals who after a relapse, enter into shame spirals, emotionally abuse themselves, and forever put themselves in negative place. For many of these individuals, they punish themselves much more than I or anyone else could ever punish them. And in my mind, the individuals are in a self-imposed hell distinguished as helplessness, frustration, and hopelessness.

When I met an individual in this self-imposed hell, I encourage them toward self-forgiveness. I ask them to if they would treat others they way they are treating themselves (a reverse Golden Rule). And I encourage them to “be gentle with yourself.” Recovery from drugs and stopping the sexual acting out cycle requires accountability that is respectful and leads toward forgiveness and healing versus shame, fear, and the ongoing experience of a personal hell.

What does a relapse in sexual addiction mean?

In the field of sexual compulsivity treatment, addressing the reality of a relapse is important. It is highy probably that you will experience some type of relapse around your high-risk situations, feeling triggers or thinking errors: you will move into a realm of acting out behaviors somewhere in your process. Why? Most likely because you’re HUMAN! Being human acknowledges that perfection is not possible. Here are a few suggestions to help you address a sexual health relapse.

1) In the process of moving toward sexual health, to assume that you will never make a mistake sets you up for the cycle of shame and guilt that is probably a big part of your cycle at this point. Now, this doesn’t mean being human is permission to relapse (nice thinking error), but it does provide a starting point toward self-forgiveness.

2) It is remarkably easy to relapse. Depending on the circumstances, the ease by which a relapse occurs is shockingly easy. If sexually explicit material is a form of relapse, simply walking in a mall could lead to a relapse (Seriously, have you seen the display windows!). Recognizing the ease by which triggers occur helps frame a plan for ongoing sexual health.

3) Relapse can help you learn. By examining the relapse, you can uncover new factors associated with your acting out cycle as well as set up plans to address these factors. In many cases, the relapse can help prioritize treatment issues.

4) The degree of relapse is a sign of progress. Often what happens is that the intensity of acting out decreases. Rather than hooking up with someone via a website, the behavior this time might be limited to viewing sexually explicit material. While still something to be addressed, this is progress in my book. (For a more formal discussion, search out the term harm-reduction). (As with #1 above, you can’t use this to justifying acting out.)

5) Telling on yourself when a small or large relapse occurs is a reflection of the treatment progress. By using your support network, you demonstrate the ongoing skills to move toward health. The amount of disclosure to your primary network is a measure of your progress. Your ability to learn from the relapse is also a measure of your progress.