I’ve been reading Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein
(Described at www.sexualintelligence.org).
He defines sexual intelligence as “self-knowledge, self-acceptance and
communication.” I like much of what he
says. Whether we call it sexual health,
sexual wellness, or sexual intelligence, each individual needs to “know”
himself/herself including what we like, what we don’t like, how to talk to our
partner about what we like and don’t like. Knowing thyself is the key to my approach in the workbooks (www.livingalifeilovebooks.com). Too many individuals struggle in the realm of sexuality. In my professional work, I see many
individuals who link sex and drugs; drugs are often used to cope with the same
and guilt of sex.
Showing posts with label sexual wellness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexual wellness. Show all posts
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Life Coaching and Sexual Health
The number of stories I hear about sex in casual conversations boggles the mind. Many times in response to the question “What do you do?” I hear a personal story about sexuality. I could tell stories about where I’ve heard stories –the gym, coffee shop, walking the dogs, parties, meetings, etc. This highlights the need many people have to understand, embrace, and discover their sexuality and sexual health.
Often, however, the only venue to seek professional support is through the use of a “problem” model where the individual seeks help because bad things are happening.
What would it look like to develop a health based, holistically integrative approach to sexuality? What would it look like if the conversation starts from a place of health versus starting from a problem? In my experience, the more enjoyable conversations occur when a person is experiencing a transformation in their life regarding sexuality.
Over the recent years, there has been the development of a “Life Coaching” movement. What is a Life Coach? Take a sports star, they still have their coaches to help them further improve their skills. Similarly, life coaching is based on your experience, to help you integrate your values and goals and foster empowerment. A life coach is someone who walks along in your journey. The focus is on integration, positive sexuality, and health (instead of the more traditional illness based model).
There is a great need for the integration of life coaching and sexuality. Not all life coaches have the skills in sexuality. I encourage you to seek someone who is skilled in both coaching/counseling and sexuality. The goal will be to help you integrate your life and values to the ultimate goal where you say “I’m living a life I love.”
Often, however, the only venue to seek professional support is through the use of a “problem” model where the individual seeks help because bad things are happening.
What would it look like to develop a health based, holistically integrative approach to sexuality? What would it look like if the conversation starts from a place of health versus starting from a problem? In my experience, the more enjoyable conversations occur when a person is experiencing a transformation in their life regarding sexuality.
Over the recent years, there has been the development of a “Life Coaching” movement. What is a Life Coach? Take a sports star, they still have their coaches to help them further improve their skills. Similarly, life coaching is based on your experience, to help you integrate your values and goals and foster empowerment. A life coach is someone who walks along in your journey. The focus is on integration, positive sexuality, and health (instead of the more traditional illness based model).
There is a great need for the integration of life coaching and sexuality. Not all life coaches have the skills in sexuality. I encourage you to seek someone who is skilled in both coaching/counseling and sexuality. The goal will be to help you integrate your life and values to the ultimate goal where you say “I’m living a life I love.”
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
What Is Sexual Wellness?
I started my next workbook. As before, I will incorporate parts of the topics in this blog. The first blog from the new workbook is on Sexual Wellness.
Believe it or not, sexual wellness is not defined within the field of psychology. A literature review of both psychology and medicine literature databases identified three articles. A brief review of the internet also finds few resources. One website, http://www.definitionofwellness.com/ highlights 10 different types of wellness but fails to include sexual wellness in this list. Amazon.com, for example, highlights dildos, condoms and lubricants. A few websites offer services toward sexual wellness. Ohio State University (http://swc.osu.edu/for-students/sexual-wellness/), for example, highlights many aspects of helping the student move toward developing skills integrating behaviors and values. The term as defined on their webpage elicits the idea of sexual health as defined in this workbook. The dictionary defines wellness as the quality of being in good health especially as an actively sought goal.
Given the lack of an existing definition, the definition of sexual wellness we are establishing for this workbook is that sexual wellness is the movement toward sexual health. All of the issues, concerns, and barriers within the concept of sexual health are integrated into this definition. Sexual Wellness is the active participation of the individual in his or her life by addressing the numerous issues within sexual health. This requires active participation and movement. The purpose of this workbook is to help expand specific topics from the literature to help you move toward improved sexual health. The process is what we define as sexual wellness.
Believe it or not, sexual wellness is not defined within the field of psychology. A literature review of both psychology and medicine literature databases identified three articles. A brief review of the internet also finds few resources. One website, http://www.definitionofwellness.com/ highlights 10 different types of wellness but fails to include sexual wellness in this list. Amazon.com, for example, highlights dildos, condoms and lubricants. A few websites offer services toward sexual wellness. Ohio State University (http://swc.osu.edu/for-students/sexual-wellness/), for example, highlights many aspects of helping the student move toward developing skills integrating behaviors and values. The term as defined on their webpage elicits the idea of sexual health as defined in this workbook. The dictionary defines wellness as the quality of being in good health especially as an actively sought goal.
Given the lack of an existing definition, the definition of sexual wellness we are establishing for this workbook is that sexual wellness is the movement toward sexual health. All of the issues, concerns, and barriers within the concept of sexual health are integrated into this definition. Sexual Wellness is the active participation of the individual in his or her life by addressing the numerous issues within sexual health. This requires active participation and movement. The purpose of this workbook is to help expand specific topics from the literature to help you move toward improved sexual health. The process is what we define as sexual wellness.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sexual Wellness at the PFLAG Conference
PFLAG Presentation: On Saturday 9/28, I'm presenting at the Northern Plains Regional PFLAG Conference. Their web site is: http://www.pflagtc.org/
As part of the submission/clarification process, I was asked to integrate a sexual health approach that could apply to everyone, and not just those who struggle with sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction and/or sexual anorexia. I've included the basics of this workshop here. If you have read other blog entries, you'll see similarity between this post and previous posts. The biggest similarity is with the blog "creating your personal definition of sexual health." This post reflects some further development in the past few months.
Toward a Personal Definition of Sexual Health.
To start with, it is important to define sexual health. The definition of sexual health that I like is published by the World Health Organization. They define sexual health as a . . .
“. . . state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled” (WHO, 2002).
The definition is complex and represents nearly 30 years of scholarship and development. Sexual health is more a process than a dichotomy answered by a yes/no response. As treatment continues, the key is to help the client develop and improve his or her sexual health. The theoretical model within this workbook is based on Robinson et al (2002) who provides a model consisting of 10 components and highlights the necessary components of defining healthy sexual behaviors. Integrated into the treatment philosophy is an explicit goal of helping the client clarify his or her appropriate sexual behaviors.
1. Talking About Sex
I ask people to identify (or develop) 5 confidants. This means selecting individuals where they understand all aspects of your responses to the questions below. A common theme is the struggle to be open and honest with the important people in your life. I consistently see how people avoid talking with others, disclosing their sex history, or reaching out for help, or breaking the isolation because of fear and shame. A relevant 12-step tradition is "Our secrets keep us sick." Anything you're not talking with these individuals about is an issue to be addressed.
2. Culture and Sexual Identity
• What are my values I learned about sexuality from my culture, be it in a religious tradition, racial culture, social economic status, or sexual minority culture
• To what degree have these values shaped my thoughts about men and women?
• Do I agree with these values?
• In what way do I disagree?
• When values from different cultures are in conflict, how do I resolve this conflict?
• The five primary values that shape my behavior are?
3. Sexual Anatomy and Functioning
• What questions do I have about sexual anatomy and functioning?
• As I age, I have the following sexual functioning concerns?
• What do I need to learn about my primary partner to help him or her experience sexual health?
4. Sexual Health Care and Safer Sex
• Who is my primary physician? Do I have a relationship with my medical provider where I can talk with him/her regarding my sexual behaviors and questions regarding health issues?
• Identify your safer sex rules?
• Why do I have these boundaries?
• Think about your safer sex behaviors and risky sex behaviors. If I engage in unsafe sexual behaviors or if I place myself at risk for HIV, STD and/or pregnancy risk, my plans to address this are:
• If you are HIV+ what are your rules regarding disclosure of your status to your sexual partners?
5. Challenges and Barriers to Sexual Health
• Chemical Use
• Mental Health
• History of Abuse
6. Body Image
• What are three messages you have about your body?
• What are your plans to create a healthy body image?
7. Masturbation and Fantasy
• Identify three favorite fantasies. Write these out and be as detailed and specific as possible.
• What are my unhealthy fantasies, or fantasies I want to avoid?
• What are my current values toward masturbation and fantasy?
• What are my current appropriate masturbation behaviors? (Where, when how often?)
• What are my rules toward disclosure to my partner of my masturbation behaviors?
• What are my rules toward disclosure of fantasies to your partner?
• Have you reviewed these with your partner? Does he/she agree with these values? If there is disagreement, what is your plan to address the disagreement?
• What are my current values toward sexually explicit material?
• What sexually explicit material is acceptable? Why?
• What sexually explicit material is not acceptable? Why?
• What are the rules in your relationship regarding disclosure of your use of sexually explicit material?
8. Positive Sexuality
• Sexuality is a major focus of energy in your life. The following questions reflect that your sexual energy is healthy and when channeled in healthy ways can bring new life, energy and strengthen relationships both with your partner and with others in your life. The following questions are designed to be integrative. You should have a sense of harmony in your definition within these responses.
• How do you develop new ways of sexual expression?
• How do you express sensuality?
• Who is an appropriate sexual partner? (Age, sex, relationship, etc.)
• What types of sexual behaviors are healthy?
• What types of sexual behavior should be avoided?
• When is it appropriate to be sexually active?
• Where is it appropriate to be sexually active?
• What are healthy reasons to engage in sexual behavior?
• What are unhealthy reasons to engage in sexual behavior?
• What is the preferred level of physical touch?
• What kind of touch is acceptable?
• How will I ask to have my sexual needs met?
9. Intimacy and Relationships
• Identify the top three types of intimacy that are the most important for you.
• Identify 3–5 people who can help you meet those intimacy needs
• How satisfied are you with your level of intimacy in these three areas. If you aren’t satisfied, identify a plan to increase your level of satisfaction.
10. Spirituality
• Is anything listed in the previous 10 areas in conflict with your spiritual values? If so, reexamine and resolve this conflict. Are you living the life you love? To the degree that you are not, why not?
• What are your plans to resolve these differences?
As part of the submission/clarification process, I was asked to integrate a sexual health approach that could apply to everyone, and not just those who struggle with sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction and/or sexual anorexia. I've included the basics of this workshop here. If you have read other blog entries, you'll see similarity between this post and previous posts. The biggest similarity is with the blog "creating your personal definition of sexual health." This post reflects some further development in the past few months.
Toward a Personal Definition of Sexual Health.
To start with, it is important to define sexual health. The definition of sexual health that I like is published by the World Health Organization. They define sexual health as a . . .
“. . . state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled” (WHO, 2002).
The definition is complex and represents nearly 30 years of scholarship and development. Sexual health is more a process than a dichotomy answered by a yes/no response. As treatment continues, the key is to help the client develop and improve his or her sexual health. The theoretical model within this workbook is based on Robinson et al (2002) who provides a model consisting of 10 components and highlights the necessary components of defining healthy sexual behaviors. Integrated into the treatment philosophy is an explicit goal of helping the client clarify his or her appropriate sexual behaviors.
1. Talking About Sex
I ask people to identify (or develop) 5 confidants. This means selecting individuals where they understand all aspects of your responses to the questions below. A common theme is the struggle to be open and honest with the important people in your life. I consistently see how people avoid talking with others, disclosing their sex history, or reaching out for help, or breaking the isolation because of fear and shame. A relevant 12-step tradition is "Our secrets keep us sick." Anything you're not talking with these individuals about is an issue to be addressed.
2. Culture and Sexual Identity
• What are my values I learned about sexuality from my culture, be it in a religious tradition, racial culture, social economic status, or sexual minority culture
• To what degree have these values shaped my thoughts about men and women?
• Do I agree with these values?
• In what way do I disagree?
• When values from different cultures are in conflict, how do I resolve this conflict?
• The five primary values that shape my behavior are?
3. Sexual Anatomy and Functioning
• What questions do I have about sexual anatomy and functioning?
• As I age, I have the following sexual functioning concerns?
• What do I need to learn about my primary partner to help him or her experience sexual health?
4. Sexual Health Care and Safer Sex
• Who is my primary physician? Do I have a relationship with my medical provider where I can talk with him/her regarding my sexual behaviors and questions regarding health issues?
• Identify your safer sex rules?
• Why do I have these boundaries?
• Think about your safer sex behaviors and risky sex behaviors. If I engage in unsafe sexual behaviors or if I place myself at risk for HIV, STD and/or pregnancy risk, my plans to address this are:
• If you are HIV+ what are your rules regarding disclosure of your status to your sexual partners?
5. Challenges and Barriers to Sexual Health
• Chemical Use
• Mental Health
• History of Abuse
6. Body Image
• What are three messages you have about your body?
• What are your plans to create a healthy body image?
7. Masturbation and Fantasy
• Identify three favorite fantasies. Write these out and be as detailed and specific as possible.
• What are my unhealthy fantasies, or fantasies I want to avoid?
• What are my current values toward masturbation and fantasy?
• What are my current appropriate masturbation behaviors? (Where, when how often?)
• What are my rules toward disclosure to my partner of my masturbation behaviors?
• What are my rules toward disclosure of fantasies to your partner?
• Have you reviewed these with your partner? Does he/she agree with these values? If there is disagreement, what is your plan to address the disagreement?
• What are my current values toward sexually explicit material?
• What sexually explicit material is acceptable? Why?
• What sexually explicit material is not acceptable? Why?
• What are the rules in your relationship regarding disclosure of your use of sexually explicit material?
8. Positive Sexuality
• Sexuality is a major focus of energy in your life. The following questions reflect that your sexual energy is healthy and when channeled in healthy ways can bring new life, energy and strengthen relationships both with your partner and with others in your life. The following questions are designed to be integrative. You should have a sense of harmony in your definition within these responses.
• How do you develop new ways of sexual expression?
• How do you express sensuality?
• Who is an appropriate sexual partner? (Age, sex, relationship, etc.)
• What types of sexual behaviors are healthy?
• What types of sexual behavior should be avoided?
• When is it appropriate to be sexually active?
• Where is it appropriate to be sexually active?
• What are healthy reasons to engage in sexual behavior?
• What are unhealthy reasons to engage in sexual behavior?
• What is the preferred level of physical touch?
• What kind of touch is acceptable?
• How will I ask to have my sexual needs met?
9. Intimacy and Relationships
• Identify the top three types of intimacy that are the most important for you.
• Identify 3–5 people who can help you meet those intimacy needs
• How satisfied are you with your level of intimacy in these three areas. If you aren’t satisfied, identify a plan to increase your level of satisfaction.
10. Spirituality
• Is anything listed in the previous 10 areas in conflict with your spiritual values? If so, reexamine and resolve this conflict. Are you living the life you love? To the degree that you are not, why not?
• What are your plans to resolve these differences?
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