The dilemma of outing "closeted" LGBT

A few of the stories in the recent posts highlighted how individuals were outed to help them in the coming out process: friends and/or family members told other people to "help them along." To someone in the closet regarding his or her sexual orientation, the biggest fear is the exposure of the secret. This is known as "being outed.” Simply the fear of being outed has sent more than a few individuals back into the closet.

The rise of outing people partially occurred in the 1980s in response to the AIDS epidemic, particularly when "closeted" individuals worked against the best interests of the LGBT community.

Much of the current debate, and one which the paparazzi feeds on, is the fascination the general public has with people's sexuality. Adam Lambert is a very recent example of this. Throughout his time on "American Idol" questions about his sexuality were raised not only on individual blogs but also in the mainstream press. The recent Rolling Stones article highlights the culmination of the process where Adam Lambert responds to the ongoing reaction. The dilemma raises the question of whether or not a public person like this has a "right" to privacy.

The biggest reason against outing others is their right to privacy. When a person is outed his or her privacy and freedom to chose the method of coming out is violated. In the first article in this series, I highlighted how the coming out process is a personal process that should reflect the individual’s needs. Outing ruptures this process and can interfere with his or her personal growth.

One of the justifications for outing people, so the argument goes, is because of hypocrisy. For example, in 2006, Ted Haggert was publically outed for same-sex behavior with a sex worker. At the same time, Ted Haggert was the senior pastor at a fundamentalist church that was outspokenly anti-gay and openly hostile to the gay community. The argument is that because of the hypocrisy, he deserved to be outed. Haggert is but one example, and the list could continue.

What are you opinions about outing people? Have you been outed? What was the outcome?

Do I have to be out

How does coming out fit into our identity? The question of coming out raises the issue of private and public personas. How much of our life is private and how much is public. This public side of our identity is the stuff we show with most people. Obviously, the private side is the part of our self that we keep "close to our chest."

There are many reasons for not disclosing sexual identity. For some people it's about safety. I've worked with people in the corrections field who suggest that coming out in prison is not a safe place. Then there is the current military policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" which highlights the consequences of coming out. And still today, in some countries, coming out risks a death sentence.

Some people choose not to be out for other reasons such as privacy, financial or familial. Others believe we have arrived at point in history were the need to be out simply doesn't matter anymore. We've made so much progress as a group that we simply don't need to push the issue any further.

On the other hand, there are people who encourage everyone to be out. There is often an implicit assumption that being out is a healthy expression of a LGBT identity. The assumption is you need to "embrace" your sexuality. Being out is a statement that being gay is OK. A major step toward personal growth is the affirmation of all aspects of a person's life.

Then there is the idea that being visibly out is a public statement and as a result helps to encourage public acceptance thus creating a safer environment for those who come out later. The modeling behavior attempts to provide support and encouragement of this aspect. In my opinion, the stories shared over the last few similar articles highlight the benefits of coming out. In those stories others found support and encouragement for their process.

Being out is also a political statement. Since at least the 1950s, individuals have stressed the political aspect of being out as a confrontation to the straight world. Stonewall and the subsequent 30+ years of Pride Celebrations reflect coming out as a political claim. Harvey Milk and the 2008 movie is a recent expression of the political impact of coming out; his witness transformed the political reality of both San Francisco, and eventually the world. Obviously we're not done with the political nature of equality; coming out is a contribution in small and large ways to ongoing political discourse. As a group, the more visible we are, the less they can ignore us.

This post is a start of the conversation. What are your thoughts? Should a person be out and why?

Starting the coming out process

It is sometimes easy to forget that our community is diverse. We are comprised of individuals at different places in the coming out process. The coming out process is a remarkably individual thing and each of us will move through the experience in our own way. It is important to remember that each of us chooses the method of our coming out. For some people, this will be a relatively "easy" process while others will have a significant struggle.

An important tool is breaking through the isolation and shame of sexual orientation by sharing our personal story and listening to the stories of others. The public stories shared on the website as well as some of the emails I received highlight how important this is for many people. I'm moved by the amount of pain, fear, shame and guilt many people still struggle with in their process of coming out. I'm also moved by the courage expressed in the stories that can serve as inspiration to others.

While our stories are unique, it may be helpful for our individual growth by understanding the experiences of others. Hearing what worked or didn't work can be part of our growth and development. I think the responses highlight some of the things that helped. I encourage those who are earlier in the process to learn from you brothers and sisters.

Our coming out process is a repetitive process. Sadly, this means coming out is not a "finished product." When we meet someone new, or start a new job, or talk about what we did last weekend, we come out yet again. In each of the situations, we may go through quicker versions of the process. When I speak publicly, I often come out to the group. Almost every time, I have to go through process of identity comparison/tolerance. For me it occurs by wondering if the will they compare me to the stereotypes. I wonder if they are accepting enough, or will have to justify myself.

Coming out is only one piece of the puzzle. Implicit in the comments are references to many other topics. For any number of reasons, the coming out process is directly related to concerns such as guilt, shame, spirituality, risky-sex, and chemical use. Coming out will necessitate addressing these issues; and addressing these issues will also facilitate coming out.

What is the one thing you wish you knew in your coming out process?

Coming Out Gay

One of the more disappointing reactions I saw in the comments left on the "Can Someone Choose To Be Gay?" article is the judgmental attitudes towards those who aren't completely "out". I think we can help our community and ourselves by better understanding that the coming out experience is different for each of us. The ability to label one's self as "gay" varies person to person. Some people "know" from an early age; others "know" at a later time in their life. For some people this process is easy. For others, the coming out process can be very difficult.

One of the first researchers in this area, Vivian Cass writes the model I like best.

Stage 1 - Identity Confusion
The classic phrase at this point is simply "Something's not right, I'm different." Sometimes we simply lack the language to describe how we know something is different. Many people talk about knowing at a young age that they knew. How we respond to this statement separates people who come out quickly or those who take a while. For any number of reasons, some people get stuck and shut down. Others get a sense of what "I'm different means" and they start to put the pieces together.

Stage 2 - Identity Comparison
The question becomes "Is there anyone else like me?" This process is where we might start to understand the label "gay" or "homosexual" by hearing things on TV, seeing others, hearing snippets of conversations, or even getting teased. Others say something that helps us "click" into a new level of understanding. A lot of this stage is about coping with feeling alone or coping because we lack the information. This stage is about getting enough information.

Stage 3 - Identity Tolerance
In this stage, there is a sense of initial self-recognition where we can say "I probably am gay." The internal denial decreases, but I don't interact much with those around because I'm so "different." This is the classic "in the closet stage" where I act straight to create a "mask" and hide part of myself. It is also a stage where a person will react negatively to certain stereotypes saying, "I'm not like them." "Them" are the stereotypes which might be the leather community, the drag community or the "fems." In this stage, the internalized stereotypes have the most negative impact on the individual's coming out process. Getting through this stage is about confronting and challenging the internal messages.

Stage 4 - Identity Acceptance
Finding other gay men and women as friends and role models is important. This was difficult for older generations; in my opinion in-school groups and TV images makes this easier now. Those individuals fortunate enough to have access to support groups and/or social events often experience a sense of self-acceptance. Guys start to ask, "How do I want to live my life as a gay man."

Stages 5 - Identity Pride
In this stage, there is a sense of "this is who I am." The pride of being gay starts to show, and the disclosure to others is a commonplace occurrence. In some people, the pride even becomes militant: 'I'm here, I'm queer, deal with it." There is sometimes a rejection of the "straight" world: "I only want to be with people like me."

Stages 6 - Identity Synthesis
Being gay in this stage is simply part of my life. Individuals move from a "them and us" mentality into an acceptance of the similarities between the heterosexual and homosexual worlds. We are all dealing with life issues that are more similar than different: Is my job secure? How am I happy in the world? What's important to me? How do I find someone I love? And believe it or not, the relationship issues are more similar than different. We are all striving for intimacy.

I want to restate this; it's important to keep in mind that we don't all move through this process at the same speed. The men and women at earlier stages in this process aren't helped by "pushing" them through it faster no matter how well intended you are. They have to take it at their own pace.

What does help is to honestly answer their questions and to not judge them for not fully embracing it. What can help is to share your coming out process. Whether it was a good experience or not others reading them may find themselves in a similar situation and use your example as a means to make it easier for themselves. Hopefully they will share their story with others, which in turn will help to make their journey easier.

What's your story?