My Manifesto

A manifesto expresses many of my core beliefs that I bring to the coaching relationship. The manifesto are declarations that reflect my wisdom, insight and deep knowing of what it means to be human and alive. I share these declarations to create a foundation that informs you about what to expect in our coaching relationship.

 • I believe life is a journey. My role is walk with you when the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe life requires courage to continue forward when the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe life is to be celebrated, even when we feel lost.
 • I believe there are alternatives when the path appears lost.
 • I believe within each of us is an intuitive understanding of our path.
 • I believe identifying life values helps illuminate the path.
 • I believe we experience freedom when we walk this path consistent with our values.
 • I believe it requires tremendous courage to continue when the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe amazing things are possible when we are on our path.
 • I believe for many individuals sexuality is an area where the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe sexuality is a powerful source of healing and transformation.
 • I believe sexuality integrates who we are. When we see possibilities, it is possible to experience healing in the area of sexuality.
 • I believe I am on similar life- journey. I celebrate the opportunity to share the journey together. NAMASTE.

Identifying the transforming values of your life.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. (Gandhi)

A task toward sexual health is to define the values by which you want to live your life. It is done in community/connection with others. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is the experience of discovering your truth. My experience suggests an individual is much more successful when their life that reflects their truth. For some individuals, discovering or naming their internal truth is asking a blind man to describe a color. Due to shame, guilt, fear, failure, or any number of reasons, many individuals cannot name the most important values in their life that truly represent their core.

Paradoxically, others can be the source of the primary values in your life. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. Briefly, that to which we are drawn reflects an inner craving that we must address. That which we reject reflects an inner craving that we must address. Transference is a tool where you can recognize what is most important in your life. You can recognize these values by identifying various pivot points in your life. It is in these pivot points where we get a sense of something more in our life. In the pivot points a person experiences awe, amazement, horror, beauty which can be used to connect with others. The experience is rewarding, but isn’t always easy. Sometimes these are values that we have and want to express more; or, it may be values we don’t have and want to obtain.

We are simultaneously the source of our own pain and joy

One of the foundational beliefs/approaches in my work is the assumption that we are simultaneously the source of our own pain and joy. Often an individual experiences pain as a result of attachments, expectations, desires or other thoughts where I think either I need “this thing” or “this needs to be a certain way.” Different traditions/theories have different words for essentially the same thing. I use the concept of “thoughts” to integrate many of these approaches. These thoughts often are unconscious, hidden, or habitual patterns of thinking. They are always occurring, and individuals/society knows how to manipulate these thoughts.

The economic field of marketing is about creating thoughts of desire that feed consumption. In other posts, I talk about the primary thinking error that is simply an elaborate illusion personalizing the existential fear we all experience. Assumptions are other examples of these thoughts. In my experience working in chemical dependency and sexual health, our thoughts around sex, body image, relationships, and success are examples of these thoughts.

The pattern goes something like this. On some level, we have a thought that having these desires fulfilled will lead to happiness. When unmet, we experience the pain. An individual might feel sad, fear, anger, hurt, lonely, disappointed and so on as a result of these thoughts/desires. It is easy to see how these thoughts are the source of our pain. When met, we may feel a type of happiness that is often temporary.

Recognizing these thoughts for what they are, that is, “thoughts,” allows us to reshape our view of the world and respond in different ways. The dilemma is that I don’t know what is a different way for you to respond. Your response to thoughts/pain needs to be your response. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for others. This is often an individual approach and reflects our personal journey toward meaning in life. One direction to consider however is the wisdom of service. All of the major religious traditions focus on service. The 12th step emphasizes service.

The type of service is more than simply doing things for others. In my opinion, we each experience moments of transforming joy. Reflect on those moments when you felt most alive, experienced timelessness, and/or transcended your own self-imposed limits. Finding the key elements underlying these experiences is the key to finding your expression of service. I label these key elements values/virtues. When we live a life that connects us to these values, we experience the transformation of pain into joy.

You are not here by accident

We make a multitude of choices in every moment, so much so that we simply don’t recognize all of these choices in each moment. To process all these choices, the mind abbreviates, habitualizes, shortens or otherwise discards data to help smooth the process of making choices a bit easier and less overwhelming. Nevertheless, you are at where you are at as a function of all the choices you’ve made in your life.

This requires each of us to radically accept responsibility for exactly where we are at in this moment as a function of our choices. Even if bad things have occurred, our reaction is a choice. Even in loose-loose situations, you make a choice. Not to act is to make a choice.

The implication in this acceptance of responsibility is that our next moment is an opportunity of choice. Simply put, you can choose to stay in the same track, or you can choose to do something else. Yes it may be hard, yes you will fail, yes you will struggle, yes you will not know what to do, yes you will want to stop, all of which reflect a choice in the subsequent moment.

What do you choose now?

Choose.

Daily Living a Life I Love

--turns out this is my 200th post.

As the saying goes, “Death by a thousand paper cuts.” Life, then, is created by a thousand moments of transformation. Living a life you live is based on a transformation of your daily life.

One of the assignments from the workbook is identifying values or virtues important in your life. These values are selected from moments where you feel inspired, reflecting on why you admire certain people, and a few additional strategies (see the blogs on pivot points, values, creating your future).

The current paradigm I emphasize is based on helping an individual make a choice between acting out or choosing something he/she finds important. Today’s blog is to also emphasize how you can cultivate the virtues on a daily basis outside of the crisis moments. The key in cultivating a life you love is to identify values to shape your behavior at all times. By cultivating these experiences on a daily basis, an individual will be able to move toward the type of life he/she desires.

For example, take the principle/virtue of courage. Courage has many definitions, and the one I like is, “Courage isn’t acting without fear, it is acting in spit of feeling fear.” This definition is helpful in shaping ALL of your behaviors moving forward. Asking yourself, “What is the courageous thing to do in this moment?” can help you overcome the small little fears in daily living. It might be as simple as assertively communicating your requests, saying yes when you mean yes, being honest about how you think/feel, being proactive (vs. passive), and a multitude of other behaviors. Courage may strangely be the opposite, depending on the circumstances. Courage might be simply waiting for the situation to naturally unfold, trusting others in their statements, or giving up control.

The value of expressing courage is to address the infinite times where you might feel the anxiety/fear/hesitation in your DAILY life. It is in the daily moments where we are fully alive. It is also the daily moments that become the building blocks for the times when we experience a major trigger/risk of relapse. The daily practice can help us respond to the larger events is a courageous manner.

Dan Savage as conservative, but not Repubican

I've been reading Dan Savage for years. Dan has a flair that is enjoyable to read. Generally speaking, I often concur with the responses from Dan Savage. Over the recent years, Dan Savage has "grown" in popularity, and is a regular on the cable shows and college campuses. As his popularity grows, more and more commentaries appear. An interesting dialogue in the past few weeks has been fun to watch. The title to this blog links to an extensive dialogue describing a Lutheran Pastor's reaction to Dan Savage. The author even compares Dan Savage to Ann Landers. I think the author does a good job placing Savage's approach in context, and highlights a number of ethical principles to guide sexual health choices. These are: Disclosure, Autonomy, Reciprocity, and minimum standards of performance.

I like these values; I would add responsibility (you can't get what you don't ask for), and integrity (consistency between your values and behaviors). My own approach to sexuality is similar, but decidedly toned down. I also integrate flavors of spirituality and psychology within my approach. In the end, I think we both would agree that each person is responsible to give voice to his or her desires, and communicate with partners in respectful ways.

Enjoy the article by following the link in the title.

Relationship parallels for sexual health

My last two posts focused on sexual functioning issues, and unlinking sexual behavior and drug use. The feedback from clients has been positive. A colleague adapted the material to also talk about relationship development. I'm pleased to add Dr. Shannon Garrity as a guest author for this post.


Relationship parallels for sexual health
Shannon Garrity, Psy.D, LP

You have admitted you want a relationship, which is an important first step. As you progress in finding your *perfect* partner, consider the process it took to even admit or realize you want a relationship. We have mastered the art of skipping over the tough, ambiguous parts of life – now we are learning to navigate the unknown, vulnerable, exhilarating process of life. Consider the guide below as you put yourself out into the dating world (a relational parallel for de-linking sex and drugs):

1. Looking. Physical attraction or that “something” about the other person is often what first sparks interest, but to what else are you attracted? How important is it that your partner demonstrates values consistent with yours? Do you want someone with whom you can laugh? Is intellectual stimulation important to you? What about openness? Is it important to have a partner who is friendly, polite, compassionate, and/or sincere? Consider other general characteristics that you wish to have in a partner. It may also be helpful to consider to what extent do you demonstrate these?

If you need to, set rules for yourself. Some rules may be: no naked times until at least 3 months have passed, no overnight dates until at least 2-3 months, no sex until you really know (and still like) the person. Also consider your non-negotiables: he/she must be gay/bi/etc. and un-partnered and out, he/she must have xyz length of sobriety and/or not use, he/she must demonstrate general levels of respect, social decorum, etc. What have you struggled with in the past and what are you intent on changing?

2. Chatting/Flirting. In the early stages of dating or getting to know someone, you are doing just that – getting to know a person. You are getting to know him and how you are or how you feel when you are with him. Does he/she interest you? Does he/she laugh with you (or do your jokes fall on seemingly deaf ears or does he make fun of people rather than use humor in a non destructive way)? When you are in the chatting stage, you are at the beginning stages of getting to know someone. Generally, topics of conversation involve current events, pop culture, likes and dislikes, general relationship histories or life lessons; consider the idea of playing and having fun. This is the “hanging out” period. Face to face contact is probably once per week and maybe a chat or two during the week. Notice and heed to what is comfortable for you. Try dating – remember you are dating and getting to know the person, you aren’t married yet ☺

3. Spending more time together. As you get to know each other, you increase the frequency and time you spend together. If things are going well, this is when you usually might start thinking: will we want dogs or cats, does he want kids, or where will the honeymoon be? Resist judging the fantasies as good or bad, or trying to “figure out” if he likes you as much. Just note that they are fantasies and reconnect with the moment and stage of the relationship. If you were dating others when you met, you are likely both still dating other people; but you may begin to notice that you are particularly fond of this one.

4. Emotional touching. When you begin to notice you are really happy when he/she texts or calls or you feel noticeably excited to see him, you have progressed to the “emotional touching” phase. You likely exchange confessions of “I like you,” “you’re cool,” etc. You begin to experiment with the idea of progressing to a true, “I’m interested in you” dating relationship. Questions of “where is this going” or questions of a celestial nature are answered in the interaction itself. If you are wondering how he/she feels about you, consider his actions: does he seem happy to see you, do you talk, is the interaction balanced? Trusting yourself is key and takes practice. Notice the state of your anxiety level – this may be when you typically would have either bolted or started really worrying about whether “he/she likes you” or started covertly criticizing him/her. Pause, regroup and stay focused on yourself (yes, attend to the interaction, but remember it is not just about him/her – if he/she doesn’t call you back for 5 days, fine – this is about you practicing being grounded and authentic). Check in with yourself, how do you feel with him/her? Do you feel good and energized? Do you feel uncharacteristically dominate or uncharacteristically submissive or uncharacteristically somewhere in the middle? Periodically ask yourself these questions.

5. Emotional Petting. Ok, so you really like each other. You really like him/her. Notice the stirrings you feel. Remember to take care of yourself during this time. Keep working, keep spending time with your other friends and family. Yes, feel excited about your new guy/gal, but continue to attend to yourself. As you continue to get to know the relationship, ask yourself if you would be proud to introduce him/her to your friends and family? Have you met his/her friends and family? If you have done this already, how did it go? If you haven’t done this and have wanted to, consider what is happening (e.g., are you nervous or noticing “red flags”)? Do you feel comfortable having a conversation about this?

6. Full heart touching. As the relationship progresses, you will feel more of a connection. You will share more of your histories, etc. Be mindful when sharing your story. You are not “hiding” parts of yourself or your past. This is not about shame or keeping secrets; rather, you are learning about, setting, and experiencing your emotional and psychological boundaries. Do not assert more vulnerability than you are willing to lose. For example, if you feel a rush to disclose something or anxious to inquire about his/her response to more details of your history, notice what happens (your internal dialogue) or what you are thinking about before you take the plunge (this is not to say, “don’t do it,” just have a sense of your goals or hopes in doing it).

Be equally mindful when hearing his/her story. Is he/she going too fast for you? What is he/she “pulling from” or touching in you? For example, does he/she talk in detail about how much he/se has been hurt and you feel the need to take care of him, or does he/she assert anger about someone to the point where you start to feel nervous? Does he/she “push” you or ask you questions you are not ready to answer? Does he/she respect your boundaries when you set them? Notice what is happening within yourself: is it feeling too close? Are you changing yourself in some way? How can you correct this?

7. True Vulnerability. You have decided it is the two of you and things are going well. You know the other person as a separate being. You get who he/she is, quirks and all; and he/she gets you, quirks and all. The intimacy progresses to different levels, you feel like you have a close friend/partner with the other person. You are your best self.

8. Mutual Expression. You can talk with each other about everything: values, spirituality, family, work, friends, sex, likes and dislikes, open or not open relationship and related expectations. Although the connectedness and openness is there, you are still psychologically and emotionally autonomous. You have your bad days still but you know your partner is not responsible for not anticipating your every need. You still take care of yourself but you have a supportive partner.

9. No more fantasy land. Believe it or not, part of healthy relationships includes conflict at times. This is not about “I want Thai and he wants Burger King,” this is a fight where you might hurt each others feelings, say things you shouldn’t, etc. When you take time to look at the conflict notice how you experience it: do you feel victimized, do you feel he was “totally” in the wrong, are you thinking of ending it? What is happening in your world? Consider how the fight emerged, what happened? What was it about? Did it involve others? Were you starting to feel anxious and restless? Did you “pick” the fight? Did he /she“pick” the fight? Was there a need that hadn’t been met or stated? Consider the content of the fight and the process of the fight. You have been disappointed and have disappointed. You are both totally human. How will the relationship tolerate this?

10. Break-through (first kiss and make up). How did you resolve the conflict? Resolution takes time – re-attuning with your partner is something of a process, depending on the nature, intensity and frequency of the conflict. Do you feel good about how the resolution occurred? Did you both consider each others’ feelings and person? Did you just feel blamed? Were you really blamed or was that a voice and were you able to discuss that with your partner? Did you feel you both worked at it and met in the middle?

Often, a conflict of sorts brings couples closer, provided the conflict is “fair.” In working through the conflict, you both describe only your own positions (no one is the victim and no one is the abuser). This means you are grounded in your own experience. If you have a guess as to the other person’s reality, then ask, but you cannot read the other person’s mind – he is doing what makes sense to him and you are doing what makes sense to you. What can you learn from the conflict? For example, if one person was starting to feel resentful about something, where was the point for assertiveness? At the same time, where was the other person and did he know? Now repeat steps 1-10 multiple times.

11. Transformation. You have the house in the Hamptons and a pet tiger (now keep repeating steps 1-11 in no particular order…and remember to keep playing and having fun).

Are you a counselor or a minister? -My 100th post

A student of mine recently referred to homosexuality as abomination quoting the traditional scriptural references. Given the context, I sternly but respectfully challenged the student to address the cultural bias in his statement. The fact that it occurs in a graduate level course on multiculturalism is a “small problem” (tongue in cheek!). The fact that the program is a Mental Health Counseling program is also a “small problem” (tongue in cheek, again!).

What I would love to say to my students is that they have a choice. You can choose to be a counselor or you can choose to be a minister. If your choice is to be a counselor, you must base your practice on the science of psychology. Being a counselor means that your theology may inform your psychology, but it does not dictate your psychology.

If, in any way, your theology dictates your psychology, you are a minister. Stop the illusion of being a counselor. While I may disagree with your theology, I respect your right to choose a life as a minister. But don’t use the guise of psychology to push your theology. That is malpractice and unethical in my opinion.

The area of human sexuality is where the most damage occurs when theology is confused as psychology. The science of psychology is relatively settled when the issue of abstinence based safer-sex approaches are evaluated. They programs don’t work. In some cases, they create MORE harm.

The question of homosexuality is another area. Despite the research, too many counselors continue to subscribe to the abomination theory of homosexuality; a theory that is simply not supported. You can extend the conversation into areas of masturbation and fantasy.

Are you a counselor or a minister? Choose.

Do all men cheat

"I met a guy online and we have "played" many times during his lunch break. He is partnered and I am single "in the closet". I have asked him whether he feels bad that he is cheating on his BF. He has mentioned that we do sex acts that his lover does not. I have barebacked him a few times and he doesn't seem to worry that I might give him HIV or an STD. Are all gay relationships like this?"

In short, this guy is playing you. He’s using you and his partner and is putting all of you at risk for HIV/STDs (but frankly, so are you). The lack of honesty in his relationship is a major concern for me.

The fact is, not all gay relationships are like the example you mention. Gay relationships cover the entire spectrum from monogamous partnered relationships to no-strings casual sex relationships. In between are negotiated rules, modified relationships and just about everything else.

What works for me as a healthy relationship includes at least these four values:

Generativity
This is the experience when any sexual behavior makes you feel alive and energized as part of the experience. Your personal identity (and your partner’s) is affirmed, created and even expanded. You can walk away from the experience with your head held high. Sexual behavior is sometimes referred to as “adult play” suggesting a sense of fun and playfulness.

Open and Honest
Healthy sexuality is above board, open, and honest. While you may not talk about the incident with everyone because of discretion, you could disclose the activity. The sexual behavior is consistent with your values.

Consent
Full consent and awareness are present. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. Consent also implies respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e., stop, no, I do not want to), the behavior must stop. Any person can remove consent at any time for any reason.

Responsibility
This value requires you to ultimately assert fully your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. It is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of your values.

I don’t think the situation you describe is open and honest as well as consensual for all involved. I challenge you to think about whether or not having sex with this guy is consistent with YOUR values. I named 4 values above, but you may have additional values that may guide your decision.

Examples of Values for Creating your future

In reviewing the assignments in the workbook, I was asked to update and provide examples of certain values that could be used to shape your future behaviors. The original assignment was posted on Tuesday, August 5, 2008. The following examples are descriptive values.

Justice is often thought of as holding people accountable, sort of like a punishment. This is a start, but justice is also about restoring a sense of harmony and connectedness. Justice is more that just fairness, but also about the common good for all.

Peace is the absence of conflict, but it also includes the ideas of harmony, connectedness and common purpose. Peace also refers to a sense of internal purpose, groundedness, and a sense of internal acceptance. Within the concept of peace is a connection to justice.

Generosity is often seen as giving toward others on a monetary level. Beyond money, generosity can include giving of talent and time. Generosity also includes the concept of focusing on others and the common good. Generosity is giving someone the benefit of the doubt by interpreting comments and statements from a view toward growth versus failures.

Love often focuses on a strong emotional attachment. The English understanding of Love is based on the term “charity” which can include a sense of unconditional acceptance of another person. Much of current Christianity uses the concept of Love without fully understanding the history.

Wisdom is more than intelligence, but the application of experience with knowledge. Within the concept is a sense of integrity and groundedness. Applying wisdom creates justice. Justice can also include leading by experience.

More on my therapeutic approach

The past few days have been a light work load. As I result, I’ve had time to read and reflect. I am currently reading a book by Irvin Yalom, The Gift of Therapy: a letter to a new generation of therapists which serves as the catalyst for this post. (In my studies, Irv Yalom is considered a “classic.” His work on group theory and therapy was a must read.)

The three values that shape my life and work are healing, courage and freedom. If you review the first page of the sexualhealthinsittute.org website, these three words are integrated into a mission statement. I try to use these values that shape all my relationships in my personal life as well. I thought it might be helpful to expand on these values as they relate to my work with clients.

Healing.

Nearly every client I work with struggles with a sense of brokenness, impairment in their ability to relate to others, struggle to get by in life, and otherwise simply connect with their own internal power. In some clients, the pain and brokenness is palpable: you see it in their face, the way they walk, talk, and the way they look at others in the world. My goal is to provide a space where they can experience as sense of relief from their pain and brokenness, if even for one hour. While the sources of the pain are varied, the amazing consistent struggle is that every client is struggling to experience a sense of healing. Healing might be mean relief, or awareness, or even insight as to why pain might be there. While I’d like to believe that the pain and brokenness will go away, in some cases the pain and brokenness might be permanent. Such might be the case of a loss, illness, or death; or as some theorists hold, experiencing pain and brokenness is simply a part of being human. When the pain cannot be erased, I’m committed to walking part of the journey together. Sometimes simply walking with another person is enough to ameliorate the feeling of separateness and isolation that accompanies the pain and brokenness. Sometimes the shared experience can transform the pain and brokenness into an awakening that is startling.

Courage.

Too often people minimize their own courageous behaviors. Our culture, through the movies and media, has reduced courage to acts of bravery on the battlefield. Unless you are facing a life or death situation, courage does not exist. This portrayal minimizes the infinite expressions of courage that I see in my work. For me, courage is the commitment to act in the face of fear. Courage is expressed by simply showing up in my office. Courage is expressed by disclosing to your partner the sexual compulsive behavior. Courage is expressed when a sex offender sits before his victim apologizing for his crime and asking for forgiveness. Courage is in the victim of a sex offender who confronts their abuser determined not to let the offender’s behavior destroy their life. Courage is in the individual who profoundly accepts an insight into reality; whether it is accepting the thought “I’m gay,” I’m positive,” or the addict who says “I have a problem.” Courage is when a client takes a moment where he or she is confronted and says “your right.” Courage is when a client accepts an awareness of how a particularly thinking error has shaped his/her life. In the many years I’ve been doing this work, I’m amazed at the number and types of courageous expression. And, in my own personal life, courage is when I confront a client out of a commitment to healing, even if I’m fearful the client will bolt and terminate therapy. As therapists, were taught that we’re supposed to help our clients feel better. I know I’ve created temporary pain for a client by uncovering and reflecting a painful reality. My commitment in my work is to be as open, honest, loving and courageous as possible to facilitate healing. And yes, that may mean sharing things with you that you don’t want to hear. Courage is when we struggle through the pain. That is when healing occurs.

Freedom.

Our society often equates freedom with free will. We often take a narcissistic view that freedom allows me to do what I want; and more often than not, freedom is framed as “You can’t tell me what to do.” In essence, unless I get my way, or what I want, I’m not experiencing freedom. The current rhetoric in American Politics is based on this approach. Instead, in my work, I emphasize freedom as a profound acceptance of what is. With this acceptance there is the ability to generate new possibilities to act. Hence, truth is the prerequisite for freedom. (This perhaps helps the reader understand the emphasis on confronting thinking errors.) From the profound acceptance of truth/reality, the client is better able to make choices that reflect a positive goal in their life. Two examples come to mind. First, profoundly accepting that you are manipulating others around your chemical or sexual behavior allows you to stop manipulating others. If you aren’t accepting this reality, your denial prevents you from being free. A second example is a person who profoundly accepts their same-sex sexual attraction. Avoiding this reality creates shame, depression, avoidance, and a diminished sense of self. Acceptance allows the opportunity for the individual to make free choices about what to do next. Why the emphasis of a profound acceptance? Too many times, both in my personal life and in my professional work, I see situations where someone says they accept “what is” only for the thinking errors to change to type of avoidance. Hence, for me a profound acceptance is acceptance that creates a transformation. And honestly, this type of acceptance is incremental and a process rather than an off/off switch. Therapy is the process of radical acceptance of “what is” and therefore allowing freedom. When this experience occurs, the experience is transforming, both for the individual and for me as a witness to their courage and freedom.

The three values shape my work. It is the therapeutic relationship that I commit to living these values with integrity. Now, I’m human, and I know I make mistakes. I welcome opportunities for my own growth in this process as well. While it may be your therapy hour, I know I’m touched by your transformation.