Desire as Sacred

Even when it degenerates into addiction, there is something salvageable from the original impulse that can only be described as sacred.

Epstein, Mark (2006-01-05). Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught (Kindle Locations 161-162). Penguin Group. Kindle Edition. 

One of my areas of specialty is Sex, Drugs and Recovery (sounds like a great book title).  I am struck by Epstein’s affirming the core energy of desire as healthy and sacred.  In my opinion, the goal of therapy for those in recovery for substance use and sexual compulsivity is the task of rediscovering the sacredness of desire.  It is good.  It is VERY good!

http://livingalifeilovebooks.com/Living_a_Life_I_Love_Books/Drugs,_Sex_and_Recovery.html

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

While working with Harry Faddis (see the 3-minute game post), he added an optional version to the 3 minute game. 

The game can be adapted (or extended) any number of ways.  For example, substitute the following phrases, or make one of your own.

Alternative version #1

Round 1: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

“What would you like to say to me?

The second person then says whatever he/she wants to say to the first person for 3 minutes starting with “I would like to say _______ (fill in the blank).”

Round 2: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

            What I would like you to say to me is ________ (fill in the blank).

The second person describes what he/she would like the first person to say. The person responding to the question can ask for anything to the person asking the question. Examples, “I want you to tell me how beautiful I am.” “I want you to tell me how ‘hot’ (or sexy, or whatever) I am.”  “I want you to tell me how much you love me.”  The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something that you want the other person to say to you. The person says these things for 3 minutes starting with “I want to say to you _______ (fill in the blank with the requested statement).

Three Minute Game

A new piece from the workbook. 

(Harry Faddis of Easton Mountain Created this Game.  Used with permission.)

Info about Harry Faddis 

The Three Minute game is an exercise you complete with a sexual partner. It is a safe and playful way to sexually experiment with your partner. The goal is to learn to ask for what you want. It builds on the Assertive Communication exercise (page 60). We often believe we don’t have permission, or we don’t know how to ask our partner for what we want. The three minutes per turn is helpful since you can try anything for three minutes at least once. Be creative and explorative. Be the adult kid in the adult candy shop! If you don’t like it, you will have at least tried a different activity. There are two rounds, with each person having a turn in each round, for a total of 12 minutes. Determine who will go first.

Round 1: Round one has you ask your partner to do something to you.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The second person responds “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The first person responds “yes,” “no,” or “negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The first person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Round 2: Round two focuses on what you want to do to your partner.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The second person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The first person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

After you complete the two rounds, debrief with your partner. Consider what you liked, disliked, what you felt, thought or experienced. What would you do again, ask for differently, and so on.

Eros and Desire

Writing a new workbook. 
(see next blog post for the picture of the cover)
(release currently scheduled for 10/1/12)

So far in the workbook I have been taking about the general concepts of sexuality. Here I want to highlight the power of Eros and desire.  They are related.  Eros is the sexual energy/attraction that shapes much of our sexuality. It is as much a part of us as our thoughts are part of our mind, seeing is a part of our eyes, hearing is a part of our ears, tasting is a part of our mouth, smelling is a part of our nose, and touching is a part of our skin.  It is a vital part of being human. It is NOT something we can avoid.  So many sexual health problems and chemical use problems are associated with avoiding this powerful sexual energy.  For many people Eros creates a type of existential fear. The paradox of embracing Eros can seem confusing and scary. Rather than run from Eros, using the strategies to cope with existential fear (page 26), and embracing our erotic energy can lead to amazing possibilities. A goal of this workbook is to help you embrace this powerful energy.

I also see desire as a teacher.  Desire is a fundamental yearning that shapes our life.  Previously I talked about payoffs mentioning the concepts of goals, needs, wants.  Beneath these goals, needs, and wants is desire. It is often slippery and hard to understand so we focus on the general language of goals/needs/wants.  Too often, our society condemns desire.  I think this is a mistake. Using the concepts of mindfulness and transference, it is possible to discover amazing things about our desire.  It is even possible to use desire to understand what is sacred in our life.  To see sexuality as a vehicle toward sacredness is a difficult concept to consider in the puritan society in which we live.  Recovery will require us to sit in our desire (i.e., meditation) allowing us to understand some of the most profound aspects of our sexuality. The implicit assumption in a positive sexuality is that Eros and desire are good, powerful, and transformative!

Blessing and Sexuality

A friend gave me a copy of David Spangler’s book, “Blessing.” Spangler looks at what blessing means, and how giving or receiving a blessing is such a profound act. For Spangler, blessing is a sharing of spirit. Blessing transcends a specific act and evokes a profound connection. Blessing comes from the depths, and takes us into new depths. Blessing brings us into a fuller relationship with life. Blessing is a gift. Blessing is a manifestation of our spirit. Blessing is a linking to our inner sacred space. Blessing is done with respect, honor and love. Blessing is connection. Blessing is an experience of wholeness.

I see sexuality as a blessing. Sadly, however, many people see sexuality as a curse rather than the transforming characteristics it can have.

In my work, I focus on sexuality as a vital expression of our identity and life energy. My profound question is to take the previous paragraph, and substitute the word blessing with the word sexuality. What would it look like if you saw your sexuality as a blessing?

Others as a reflection of your desires

The inside functions like a projector; others become screens and you start seeing films on others which are really your own tapes. OSHO

What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. This is a classic psychological principle that also applies to sexuality. That to which we are drawn reflects an inner craving that we must address. That to which we are rejecting also reflects an inner craving that we must address. As posted in earlier blogs, much of the way many individuals cope with sexuality is through repression resulting in a passive suicide. Take the opportunity to discover about what you crave by becoming mindful of your reactions to others. Your strongest reactions reflect a deeper truth. An open, honest and fearless examination of those reactions might create profound transformation and possibility.


The book I'm using a source.

Transforming Sexuality

Positive Sexuality

Anger is beautiful; sex is beautiful
But beautiful things can go ugly.
That depends on you.
If you condemn them, they become ugly,
If you transform them, they become divine.
Anger transformed becomes compassion
The same energy that moves into sex becomes love.

OSHO


One of the most difficult aspects of transforming sexuality is the struggle to address the shame of sexuality. Our society has so many sex negative messages that it impairs many an individual’s journey toward sexual health. To transform your sexuality, become aware of the negative messages. Challenge these negative messages. Affirm your sexuality. Celebrate and Share your sexuality. Then you transform a burden into a gift.


The book I've been reading/using. You can download a kindle program for any platform.

What is positive sexuality

Defining positive sexuality requires understanding sexuality in a brand new way. In this approach, sexuality is a normal, vital, and positive aspect of your life. Too many people suffer pain when they think about sexuality. Give yourself permission to be a sexual being. Rather than repressed, hidden or shamed, positive sexuality celebrates your sexual energy and being. Yes, this includes sexual behavior but it includes much more.

Your task in this section is to challenge most, if not all of the messages you have heard about sexuality. This doesn’t mean you have to discard the beliefs. Instead, understand both the letter and spirit of the messages. Sexual Health is a journey. Today’s thoughts are for today. What you like today is for today. What you want is for today.

The key to this section is discovery. When you watch a child in a playground, they meander through all of the play areas. They might stop at the swings, or the merry go around. Next the may check out the slide, and perhaps build something in the sand. When they like something, the child stays in the area. So to is the role of discovery in the realm of sexuality. Check out what you like or don’t like. Enjoy the positive experiences, and let go of the unpleasant experiences.

Balance is important in the journey. You can change your mind on this journey. I place good/bad sexual experiences on a different continuum then the continuum of healthy/unhealthy. You can have a sexual encounter that feels good but is unhealthy (think meth/sex), and a bad experience that is healthy (think too tired to function, but emotional intimacy).
Enjoy your journey in sexual health. My hope is that you have great experiences along the way. Sometimes the only way we know what is sweet is because we can compare it to what is sour.