Why talk about sexuality.

One of the obvious reasons for developing a support network when starting this process is simply to gain support. A second reason for developing a support network is to help you discover who you are. It isn’t until we start talking about this sexuality that we understand the layers and connections of sexual health. We may not recognize sex negative thinking until someone says, “Wow I really hear a lot of negative talk.” Your ability to cope with shame is supported by a network, but in talking with your network you may actually talk through a solution that dispels the shame leading to a breakthrough in your sexual health.

What are you keeping secret?

In my therapy approach, I often ask, “What are you not talking about?” In my opinion, this is one warning flag associated with a possible treatment issue. If there is any historical or current event, topic, behavior or concern that a person isn’t talking about, it’s something that needs to be investigated.

Without a doubt, the key in a therapy process is the application of wisdom to discern who are your support people, as well as timing of a disclosure, etc. But, I have concerns when I hear clients say, “No one can find out.” or “I wouldn’t want _______ to know about this.” I also use those statements to help clients identify boundaries. If you say those things regarding something, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. In the end, responsibility is about taking on the ownership of your behaviors and interests and sharing them with others.

I need help with my luggage. Another scandal

In the last few days, another scandal broke regarding homosexuality and the Christian right. In short, George Rekers, a Baptist minister who provided testimony against gays, served on the Board of NARTH (National Association of Rehabilitation and Treatment of Homosexuality), and on the board of a predecessor to Focus on the Family was seen with a sex worker who advertised on RENTBOY.COM. The unfolding discussion can easily be Googled on the net.

The focus of my blog is on three parts.

First I feel anger and frustration at the ongoing hypocrisy of members in the Christian Right. A long laundry list is found here. Sadly, the frustration is often expressed through the comment “here’s another one.”

Second, I do have compassion for Dr. Rekers. Here is a man who has denied a major part of his identity for all of his life, only to have the issue exposed in a scandal. Dr. Rekers' behavior can easily be understood as a form of psychological defense: reaction formation --attack the parts of my life that I hate. His stance against homosexuality over his lifetime takes on a new understanding in light of the scandal. It is easy to see how his avoidance grows over time.

Third, I want to use Dr. Rekers’ experience to highlight the need for personal sexual health in the treatment of sexual compulsivity. (While I don't label Dr. Reker's behavior as sexually compulsivity, I do want to acknowledge how this defense is sometimes present in individuals who do struggle with sexual compulsivity.) A component of sexual health is to be able to talk about all aspects of your sexuality. The conversation doesn’t need to occur in the national press, but I stress the importance of talking about sexuality with your support network. Needless to say, sexual health implies the congruence between your identity and behavior. Please review the recent conversations on integrity. In promoting sexual health, my hope is that you can find that congruence. If it isn’t there, please seek help and support.






Citation:
I found the euphemism on Andrew Sullivan’s Blog “The Daily Dish.”

Helping your Providers Talk about Sex

I'm nearly finished with a workshop presentation for Tuesday that is a training for Chemical Dependency at the annual MARRCH conference in St. Paul Minnesota (www.marrch.org). The workshop highlights the importance of talking about sex, and the need to take a sex history as part of the recovery process. In the workshop I focus on helping the professionals improve their ability and comfort level when they talk about sex. This highlights the probability that as a client who is working on your sexual history, you might be MORE comfortable than the professional. As such, you might have to teach him or her. While this may seem a bit unfair, the overall goal is to improve your health. It is important to talk about your sexual health concerns even if the professional is uncomfortable. It is there job to take care of you, not your job to take care of them.

Think about the last time you visited your doctor, spiritual adviser, dentist, therapist? Where you comfortable talking about sexual health concerns? If not, why? Are there issues you need to address, or is it an issue for your professional. How might you help him or her improve his or her skills?

The Importance of Community

Having people in your life to support you in the process of improving your sexual health is important. It is recommended that you have 3-5 people with whom you are transparent. In the process of defining your personal definition of sexual health, it is this group who serves as a counter balance to an individual's desire to do anything you want. Remember that sexual compulsivity has both an internal and external accountability. Developing your support network is a way to increase external accountability.

Four strategies for starting the process of developing a support network include.

1) Start off small. Say "I'm now in therapy. I need someone to support me, but I'm not ready to go into full detail right now."

2) Examine who in your life is already supportive. Expand what you might say to the person that increases your self-disclosure. You might say that I'm working with a therapist in the area of human sexuality.

3) Identify a big name "star" who has "come out" regarding sexual addiction and compulsivity. (David Duchovny is one of the recent stars who disclosed his personal struggles.) This can help you introduce the topic.

4) Without naming the issue, share some of the negative thoughts or feelings that set you up to act out. Share "I'm really stuck on how negative my thoughts are" or, "I struggle with a lot of shame."

These are simple strategies to start the process of disclosure in your recovery process.

Exercise 1: Talking About Sex

To start addressing questions of sexual compulsivity, it is important to reflect on your ability to talk about sex. The goal for this exercise is to 1) To assess your ability talk about sex and sexuality with others. and 2) To identify people with whom you can talk about sex.

As you start this process, it is important to examine how comfortable are you talking about your sexuality and sexual behavior. I am confident that as you progress through the work, your comfort level will increase. It is not uncommon, however, to be nervous, embarrassed, feel guilt and/or shame about the information to be reviewed.

Exercise 1

Answer the following questions.

YES/NO 1) I avoid talking about sex.

YES/NO 2) I talk about my sexuality with my friend(s).

YES/NO 3) I find many sexual matters too upsetting to talk about. (R)

YES/NO 4) I talk about my sexuality with my sexual partner(s).

YES/NO 5) I talk about my sexual feelings.

YES/NO 6) I usually feel comfortable discussing my sexual values.

YES/NO 7) I usually feel comfortable discussing topics of a sexual nature.

YES/NO 8) In general, I usually feel comfortable discussing my sexuality. (R)

YES/NO 9) Talking about sex is usually a positive experience.

YES/NO 10) It bothers me to talk about sex. (R)

YES/NO 11) I usually feel comfortable discussing my sexual behavior.

YES/NO 12) There will be negative consequences if I talk about sex. (R)

Score 1 point for each yes (# 1, 2, 4-7, 9, 11)

Score 1 point for each no (# 3, 8, 9, 12)

More than 8 points, suggests a difficulty talking about sex.

Exercise #2.

1) Reflect on the above questions, explain your responses.

2) Name three people you could start talking to about sexuality. This could be pastor, friends, colleagues, sponsor, therapist, partner/spouse, etc.

3) Write one paragraph summarizing what you would like to share with each of the individuals at this time regarding your questions of sexual compulsivity. Share as appropriate.