Showing posts with label power of thought. Show all posts
Showing posts with label power of thought. Show all posts
Saturday, October 22, 2011
White-knuckling in the area of sex doesn't work.
The human mind is constructed in such a way that when you tell yourself NOT to think about something, it becomes all you think about. For example, I want you to think about your favorite dessert, or meal. Seriously, think about enjoying this dessert. Can you feel your mouth watering simply with the thought of the dessert or meal? Now, tell your self to STOP thinking about the dessert or meal. STOP thinking about it! You can’t. In a similar way, telling yourself you will never have sex or won’t thing about sexuality only reinforces the pattern of thinking about sex. Attempting to avoid addressing sexuality through abstinence or force of will is called white-knuckling. Eventually your level of exhaustion or resentment will overcome the force of will and you will revert to the pattern of unhealthy sexual behavior. Similar to learning how to eat in healthy ways, a person needs to find a way to engage in HEALTHY sexuality.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
How your own thoughts limit and control yourself
A metaphor to help express the power of thoughts can be illustrated by my two dogs. I put a lot of energy into training my dogs to walk beside me. Today I let them go off leash, and they stayed right beside due to their training. Even when I tried to have them run free, they followed the training. They didn’t know they were even free, and simply followed the training. In many ways, our thoughts are what limit us, when in fact we are free to begin with. Our thoughts are the equivalent of our training. We follow our thoughts without thinking. Often, we don’t know we are free, so we continue to act according to how our thoughts trained us. The key is that you are free to start with, and the key to discover how you limit your own freedom.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the experience of being aware of your current thoughts, feelings, body state and surroundings by paying attention to your reactions, motivations and actions. Our mind is so full of ongoing chatter that it simply becomes the noise the fills up most of our life. To increase your ability to be mindful, I encourage you to become aware of your inner conversation. When someone walks into the room, we may say to the person next to us, “She’s attractive.” But our inner conversation is what we have with ourselves when no one is around. Someone might walk into the room, and we say to ourselves, “I want to have sex with her.” Various meditation techniques can also be helpful in increasing your mindfulness. The process of behavioral analysis described later in the stage is a tool of increasing mindfulness by asking you to reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behaviors when you last acted-out.
What you will find is that mindfulness is a skill. It is not possible to mindful 100% of the time. The key is to try to be mindful, and when you aren’t mindful of what you are feeling or thinking to simply and gently become mindful of what you are thinking and feeling. I know it is easier said then done. Many meditation traditions have at their core the concept of mindfulness. I have two examples that might be helpful. Consider the image of a cloud in the sky. We see the cloud, and watch it come to be right over us, and slowly move on only to have another cloud take its space. Next, think of a leaf on a river. While sitting on the bank, you see the leaf come into view, pass in front of you, only to move out of your view. So too, mindfulness is becoming aware of your thoughts as you move from thought to thought. So to when building our skills of mindfulness, we watch what we are thinking as we move from thought to thought. Given that many of our thoughts are automatic, in the healing process, becoming aware of our thought may occur we stop and ask, what where we thinking. This is a benefit of completing a behavioral analysis.
What you will find is that mindfulness is a skill. It is not possible to mindful 100% of the time. The key is to try to be mindful, and when you aren’t mindful of what you are feeling or thinking to simply and gently become mindful of what you are thinking and feeling. I know it is easier said then done. Many meditation traditions have at their core the concept of mindfulness. I have two examples that might be helpful. Consider the image of a cloud in the sky. We see the cloud, and watch it come to be right over us, and slowly move on only to have another cloud take its space. Next, think of a leaf on a river. While sitting on the bank, you see the leaf come into view, pass in front of you, only to move out of your view. So too, mindfulness is becoming aware of your thoughts as you move from thought to thought. So to when building our skills of mindfulness, we watch what we are thinking as we move from thought to thought. Given that many of our thoughts are automatic, in the healing process, becoming aware of our thought may occur we stop and ask, what where we thinking. This is a benefit of completing a behavioral analysis.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Transference Updated content
I updated the content on Transference.
Transference is any reaction we have to another person. The individuals with whom we have the strongest reaction are perhaps the people who can teach us the most about our self. Often the experience of transference occurs so quickly, we don’t real-ize neither that it occurred nor are we mindful of the content of the transference. The reality is that transference is how we make sense of the world. We are CONSTANT-LY assessing and judging our environment based on our past experience. It is the past experience applied to the current situation that typifies transference. It is the way we “know” what to do in the current situation. The problem is that no two situations are the same, so sometimes our transference might actually be getting in the way during the current moment. Also, most of the time we focus on negative transference, or the negative reactions we have to someone, but positive transference is also helpful to understand. In any reaction -positive or negative- you can learn what you are feeling and thinking and how it relates to your acting-out cycle. It is your reaction that tells you the most about yourself. The key is to pull back the levels of reaction to focus at the core motives/thoughts. Individuals often try to hide/avoid these thoughts. Ask yourself the following questions: “Why am I having this reaction? Who does this re-mind me of? What memory does this person trigger? Why do I like or dislike this person?” Whatever the response, you can gain insight into your internal thoughts and feelings. As highlighted, transference can occur in positive and negative ways. What I don’t like about a person may often be expression of the things I don’t like about myself. What I do like about a persona may also be an expression of things in my life that I like about myself, or I want but don’t have. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. This is a classic psychological principle that also applies to sexuality. That to which we are drawn reflects an inner craving that we must address. That to which we are rejecting also reflects an inner craving that we must address. Take the opportunity to discover about what moves in you in your life by becoming mindful of your reactions to others. Your strongest reactions reflect a deeper truth. An open, honest and fearless examination of those reactions might create profound transformation and possibility.
Transference is any reaction we have to another person. The individuals with whom we have the strongest reaction are perhaps the people who can teach us the most about our self. Often the experience of transference occurs so quickly, we don’t real-ize neither that it occurred nor are we mindful of the content of the transference. The reality is that transference is how we make sense of the world. We are CONSTANT-LY assessing and judging our environment based on our past experience. It is the past experience applied to the current situation that typifies transference. It is the way we “know” what to do in the current situation. The problem is that no two situations are the same, so sometimes our transference might actually be getting in the way during the current moment. Also, most of the time we focus on negative transference, or the negative reactions we have to someone, but positive transference is also helpful to understand. In any reaction -positive or negative- you can learn what you are feeling and thinking and how it relates to your acting-out cycle. It is your reaction that tells you the most about yourself. The key is to pull back the levels of reaction to focus at the core motives/thoughts. Individuals often try to hide/avoid these thoughts. Ask yourself the following questions: “Why am I having this reaction? Who does this re-mind me of? What memory does this person trigger? Why do I like or dislike this person?” Whatever the response, you can gain insight into your internal thoughts and feelings. As highlighted, transference can occur in positive and negative ways. What I don’t like about a person may often be expression of the things I don’t like about myself. What I do like about a persona may also be an expression of things in my life that I like about myself, or I want but don’t have. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. This is a classic psychological principle that also applies to sexuality. That to which we are drawn reflects an inner craving that we must address. That to which we are rejecting also reflects an inner craving that we must address. Take the opportunity to discover about what moves in you in your life by becoming mindful of your reactions to others. Your strongest reactions reflect a deeper truth. An open, honest and fearless examination of those reactions might create profound transformation and possibility.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
We are simultaneously the source of our own pain and joy
One of the foundational beliefs/approaches in my work is the assumption that we are simultaneously the source of our own pain and joy. Often an individual experiences pain as a result of attachments, expectations, desires or other thoughts where I think either I need “this thing” or “this needs to be a certain way.” Different traditions/theories have different words for essentially the same thing. I use the concept of “thoughts” to integrate many of these approaches. These thoughts often are unconscious, hidden, or habitual patterns of thinking. They are always occurring, and individuals/society knows how to manipulate these thoughts.
The economic field of marketing is about creating thoughts of desire that feed consumption. In other posts, I talk about the primary thinking error that is simply an elaborate illusion personalizing the existential fear we all experience. Assumptions are other examples of these thoughts. In my experience working in chemical dependency and sexual health, our thoughts around sex, body image, relationships, and success are examples of these thoughts.
The pattern goes something like this. On some level, we have a thought that having these desires fulfilled will lead to happiness. When unmet, we experience the pain. An individual might feel sad, fear, anger, hurt, lonely, disappointed and so on as a result of these thoughts/desires. It is easy to see how these thoughts are the source of our pain. When met, we may feel a type of happiness that is often temporary.
Recognizing these thoughts for what they are, that is, “thoughts,” allows us to reshape our view of the world and respond in different ways. The dilemma is that I don’t know what is a different way for you to respond. Your response to thoughts/pain needs to be your response. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for others. This is often an individual approach and reflects our personal journey toward meaning in life. One direction to consider however is the wisdom of service. All of the major religious traditions focus on service. The 12th step emphasizes service.
The type of service is more than simply doing things for others. In my opinion, we each experience moments of transforming joy. Reflect on those moments when you felt most alive, experienced timelessness, and/or transcended your own self-imposed limits. Finding the key elements underlying these experiences is the key to finding your expression of service. I label these key elements values/virtues. When we live a life that connects us to these values, we experience the transformation of pain into joy.
The economic field of marketing is about creating thoughts of desire that feed consumption. In other posts, I talk about the primary thinking error that is simply an elaborate illusion personalizing the existential fear we all experience. Assumptions are other examples of these thoughts. In my experience working in chemical dependency and sexual health, our thoughts around sex, body image, relationships, and success are examples of these thoughts.
The pattern goes something like this. On some level, we have a thought that having these desires fulfilled will lead to happiness. When unmet, we experience the pain. An individual might feel sad, fear, anger, hurt, lonely, disappointed and so on as a result of these thoughts/desires. It is easy to see how these thoughts are the source of our pain. When met, we may feel a type of happiness that is often temporary.
Recognizing these thoughts for what they are, that is, “thoughts,” allows us to reshape our view of the world and respond in different ways. The dilemma is that I don’t know what is a different way for you to respond. Your response to thoughts/pain needs to be your response. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for others. This is often an individual approach and reflects our personal journey toward meaning in life. One direction to consider however is the wisdom of service. All of the major religious traditions focus on service. The 12th step emphasizes service.
The type of service is more than simply doing things for others. In my opinion, we each experience moments of transforming joy. Reflect on those moments when you felt most alive, experienced timelessness, and/or transcended your own self-imposed limits. Finding the key elements underlying these experiences is the key to finding your expression of service. I label these key elements values/virtues. When we live a life that connects us to these values, we experience the transformation of pain into joy.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
How do you know what you know?
A philosophical branch of study is epistemology. It essentially asks, “How do we know what we know?” There is a direct application to the field of sexual compulsivity. Specifically, How do we know what we know about sexuality? For me, this also raises an implicit question, “How do we know whether ‘it’ is healthy/unhealthy sexuality?”
Stepping outside the details of epistemology (which are amazingly complex), my emphasis is to integrate a healthy dose of skepticism into therapy. The key is challenging the assumptions an individual has regarding any belief, value, opinion, thought, or conclusion. Throughout my work with clients, I will ask, “Says who?” “What’s underneath/before that?” “What else could it be?” and/or “What about….?”
The goal of these questions is to challenge the absolutism that appears to be present in the current culture regarding sexuality. Often it is the internalized absolutism that is the source of unneeded emotional pain. In my opinion, nowhere else do we still have such a dichotomy of right/wrong providing external pressure for individuals to conform.
Stepping outside the details of epistemology (which are amazingly complex), my emphasis is to integrate a healthy dose of skepticism into therapy. The key is challenging the assumptions an individual has regarding any belief, value, opinion, thought, or conclusion. Throughout my work with clients, I will ask, “Says who?” “What’s underneath/before that?” “What else could it be?” and/or “What about….?”
The goal of these questions is to challenge the absolutism that appears to be present in the current culture regarding sexuality. Often it is the internalized absolutism that is the source of unneeded emotional pain. In my opinion, nowhere else do we still have such a dichotomy of right/wrong providing external pressure for individuals to conform.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Matrix Trilogy as an analogy for life.
Lately I find that I have been referencing the Matrix Movie Trilogy. The movie is rich in symbolism, and is expressive of a great number of archetypes. Outside the gratuitous fight scenes (which could be metaphorical as well), I find a great many helpful metaphors that correspond to living a rich life. Here are just a few. If you have more, please submit.
1) The names of many characters/features: The Oracle, Neo, Mr. Smith, Architect, Trinity, and Zion. Each has additional meanings beyond simply referencing the characters.
2) Life is a choice. You choose your worldview, and you choose how to respond to everything within your worldview. Sometimes we may not be fully aware of the choices, but even within our subconscious, we are making choices. (The blue pill or the red pill.)
3) The Promised Land is not what you think (Zion as the promised land).
4) You can recreate your life. Every moment of insight/growth changes the matrix of your life. You recreate your life when you continue to grow/live. (The scene with the architect, and the statement there were 6 previous Neos).
5) Awareness allows us to see connections others cannot perceive. Our insight/awareness provides us a larger consciousness within the world. We see the linkages where others see nothing. (Neo’s ability to see when blinded.)
6) What you are paying attention to may not be the most important thing in your life. (The lady in the red dress as a distraction.)
7) Think outside the box. What we think may limit our choices is simply an illusion. There are many more options than the two options we think we have. (The scene with the architect).
8) Anything is possible. This may require us to envision a new reality, but once designed, it is a series of choices that move us toward the new possibility. (The influence of the Oracle, and the statement, “You play a dangerous game here.” The ending is different from the expectation; no spoiler here!).
9) Find something in your life worth fighting for that gives purpose/meaning to your life. (For Neo, it is his love to Trinity and commitment Zion).
10) When you find the core to your purpose, you will choose to face what appear to be insurmountable odds. You will discover your response to the question, “Why?” “Because I choose to?” (The ending fight scene between Neo and Mr. Smith).
1) The names of many characters/features: The Oracle, Neo, Mr. Smith, Architect, Trinity, and Zion. Each has additional meanings beyond simply referencing the characters.
2) Life is a choice. You choose your worldview, and you choose how to respond to everything within your worldview. Sometimes we may not be fully aware of the choices, but even within our subconscious, we are making choices. (The blue pill or the red pill.)
3) The Promised Land is not what you think (Zion as the promised land).
4) You can recreate your life. Every moment of insight/growth changes the matrix of your life. You recreate your life when you continue to grow/live. (The scene with the architect, and the statement there were 6 previous Neos).
5) Awareness allows us to see connections others cannot perceive. Our insight/awareness provides us a larger consciousness within the world. We see the linkages where others see nothing. (Neo’s ability to see when blinded.)
6) What you are paying attention to may not be the most important thing in your life. (The lady in the red dress as a distraction.)
7) Think outside the box. What we think may limit our choices is simply an illusion. There are many more options than the two options we think we have. (The scene with the architect).
8) Anything is possible. This may require us to envision a new reality, but once designed, it is a series of choices that move us toward the new possibility. (The influence of the Oracle, and the statement, “You play a dangerous game here.” The ending is different from the expectation; no spoiler here!).
9) Find something in your life worth fighting for that gives purpose/meaning to your life. (For Neo, it is his love to Trinity and commitment Zion).
10) When you find the core to your purpose, you will choose to face what appear to be insurmountable odds. You will discover your response to the question, “Why?” “Because I choose to?” (The ending fight scene between Neo and Mr. Smith).
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Judgement and Sexual Health
A connection to
http://smartasscripple.blogspot.com/2011/02/super-terrifying-grandma-vanelli.html
I loved this part of the blog:
Try calling a florist and saying, “I need a nice pick-me-up bouquet for a friend who’s been diagnosed with a spinal tumor.” They’ll get on it right away. But then call and say, “I need a nice pick-me-up bouquet for a friend who’s been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.” They’ll think it’s a prank call. Or go to your local cozy little Hallmark store and say “I’m looking for a card for a friend who’s been in bed all week with the flu.” They’ll have rows and rows of cards expressing the perfect sentiment I’m sure. But then say “Now I’m looking for a card for a friend who’s been in bed all week with post-traumatic stress disorder.” They’ll probably call security.
I would add:
Now ask, "I'm looking for flowers for someone who just found out they are HIV+." I'm looking for a nice card for someone who test positive for Syphilis."
If mental health is discriminated against, sexual health is even further down the food chain. In these cases, the reaction is "they deserve it."
Just saying.
Weston
http://smartasscripple.blogspot.com/2011/02/super-terrifying-grandma-vanelli.html
I loved this part of the blog:
Try calling a florist and saying, “I need a nice pick-me-up bouquet for a friend who’s been diagnosed with a spinal tumor.” They’ll get on it right away. But then call and say, “I need a nice pick-me-up bouquet for a friend who’s been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.” They’ll think it’s a prank call. Or go to your local cozy little Hallmark store and say “I’m looking for a card for a friend who’s been in bed all week with the flu.” They’ll have rows and rows of cards expressing the perfect sentiment I’m sure. But then say “Now I’m looking for a card for a friend who’s been in bed all week with post-traumatic stress disorder.” They’ll probably call security.
I would add:
Now ask, "I'm looking for flowers for someone who just found out they are HIV+." I'm looking for a nice card for someone who test positive for Syphilis."
If mental health is discriminated against, sexual health is even further down the food chain. In these cases, the reaction is "they deserve it."
Just saying.
Weston
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The Illusion of Fear
I've been working on this article for the past 2-3 weeks. My thanks to David Walker at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/CoreTruth/127973567250093?ref=ts
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The starting place is fear. Real fear is when our existence is threatened, but most of fear doesn’t actually threaten our existence. Infrequently this fear is real, but often much of what we fear is simply made up in our thoughts and stories. This type of fear is defined as “Existential Fear.” Most of us approach much of life with a sense of existential fear. In other blog entries, I talked about the power of thought, and the importance of story. It is these thoughts and stories that reflect this existential fear.
Now the paradigm:
Consider a triangle representing fear. Each of the corners of the triangle is labeled with the following: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer (described below). When we act powered by existential fear, we act based on the paradigm of a triangle. We fall into a primary role of victim, perpetrator, or rescuer. Anytime we experience fear, we react in a primary role. This reaction is often unconscious and is seen in many of our automatic responses. It is a learned behavior that has become routine. The primary role is backed up by a secondary role. We attempt to cope with the fear by using characteristics of the primary role and the secondary role. Yes, we can still act in their third role, but most often our behavior will reflect the primary and secondary role. It should be noted that we switch these roles with amazing speed. In one instant we feel like a victim, and in the next moment, we lash out becoming a perpetrator.
The triangle seeks balance, so when we operate from a primary (and/or secondary) role, we seek out others to balance the triangle. There is always someone, or something, real or imagined in one of the roles.
A brief description of the roles and corresponding thoughts:
Victim
I am helpless
I can’t do anything
Freeze
Passive
Depression
I’m hurt
Something is done to me
Helpless
It’s my fault
Lost child
Everyone say’s “no”
I’ll do what you say.
Persecutor
It’s your problem
You fix it
Fight
Aggressive
Anger
I’ll punish you
Doing something to others
Controlling
Intimidating
It’s Your Fault
Scapegoat
You don’t know what you’re doing
Rescuer
It’s their fault
I can fix it
Flight
Passive Aggressive
Anxiety
I’ll make you feel better
Fixing something
Enabling
It’s the Persecutor’s Fault
Hero
Want to feel needed
I know what to do.
Transcending the Fear
Transcending this fear is possible. It is essential to step outside of the fear and take responsibility for the subsequent choice. I know this is easier said than done. In another blog entry, I highlighted the Litany of Fear.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune, Herbert)
To me, this litany of fear reminds me that the fear is not real, and that if I stand through the fear, only I remain. In that moment I have an opportunity where I can make a choice that expresses my true identity. One way to do this is to identify values that express what inspires you at your core.
The challenge is to ask yourself, “How willing am I to do whatever it takes to express my values in living?” Our inspirations are often people who, despite their fear, choose actions that express their values. Think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Mother Theresa. They expressed their values in their daily lives to the degree that the world recognized them as inspiring. You can use your values to shape your choices in a profound way. The key questions are, “Will this behavior protect my values?” and “How do my values shape the next step for me?”
Application of the model
Some generic examples may help. I feel a sense of fear in response to my partner. It really doesn’t matter what it is, because the surface issue simply reflects the existential fear that I bring to the conversation (see the blog entries on transference). So, in the case when I feel any fear, I can play the role of victim. I feel powerless, and in this example I might move to the secondary role of trying to placate my partner. I will do what I need to help my partner feel better so I reduce my level of fear. I could put “boss,” “friend” or any role into that space of partner. I can also put a larger phenomenon such as “culture” or “church” or society. As another generic example, I can play the role of victim, and move to the secondary role to blame my partner. I start to victimize others in response to the fear I feel.
Now some specific examples related to my work in the realm of sexuality.
First, consider a guy struggling with feelings of loneliness and rejection
• My wife just doesn’t understand me. So, since she doesn’t understand me I will use the Internet to help medicate my feelings of loneliness. When caught, I blame by partner by saying “You don’t understand me. If you were available, I wouldn’t need to go online.” These two statements reflect both the perpetrator and victim responses.
Second, consider a person who is afraid of their sexuality.
• In this case, the person might experience feelings of sadness and depression expressing the fear of rejection. In this place, they might move toward placating society by hiding sexuality or “following the rules.”
Third, consider a person having a sexual relationship outside a monogamous relationship.
• In this case, the fear of being discovered may get projected as attacks against others who engage in these behaviors. Some of the individuals with the strongest reactions to President Clinton’s behaviors with Monica Lewinsky were later found to have engaged in the same behaviors (Gingrich, Ensign). Their fear was projected as a perpetrator and later as a victim once uncovered.
-----
The starting place is fear. Real fear is when our existence is threatened, but most of fear doesn’t actually threaten our existence. Infrequently this fear is real, but often much of what we fear is simply made up in our thoughts and stories. This type of fear is defined as “Existential Fear.” Most of us approach much of life with a sense of existential fear. In other blog entries, I talked about the power of thought, and the importance of story. It is these thoughts and stories that reflect this existential fear.
Now the paradigm:
Consider a triangle representing fear. Each of the corners of the triangle is labeled with the following: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer (described below). When we act powered by existential fear, we act based on the paradigm of a triangle. We fall into a primary role of victim, perpetrator, or rescuer. Anytime we experience fear, we react in a primary role. This reaction is often unconscious and is seen in many of our automatic responses. It is a learned behavior that has become routine. The primary role is backed up by a secondary role. We attempt to cope with the fear by using characteristics of the primary role and the secondary role. Yes, we can still act in their third role, but most often our behavior will reflect the primary and secondary role. It should be noted that we switch these roles with amazing speed. In one instant we feel like a victim, and in the next moment, we lash out becoming a perpetrator.
The triangle seeks balance, so when we operate from a primary (and/or secondary) role, we seek out others to balance the triangle. There is always someone, or something, real or imagined in one of the roles.
A brief description of the roles and corresponding thoughts:
Victim
I am helpless
I can’t do anything
Freeze
Passive
Depression
I’m hurt
Something is done to me
Helpless
It’s my fault
Lost child
Everyone say’s “no”
I’ll do what you say.
Persecutor
It’s your problem
You fix it
Fight
Aggressive
Anger
I’ll punish you
Doing something to others
Controlling
Intimidating
It’s Your Fault
Scapegoat
You don’t know what you’re doing
Rescuer
It’s their fault
I can fix it
Flight
Passive Aggressive
Anxiety
I’ll make you feel better
Fixing something
Enabling
It’s the Persecutor’s Fault
Hero
Want to feel needed
I know what to do.
Transcending the Fear
Transcending this fear is possible. It is essential to step outside of the fear and take responsibility for the subsequent choice. I know this is easier said than done. In another blog entry, I highlighted the Litany of Fear.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune, Herbert)
To me, this litany of fear reminds me that the fear is not real, and that if I stand through the fear, only I remain. In that moment I have an opportunity where I can make a choice that expresses my true identity. One way to do this is to identify values that express what inspires you at your core.
The challenge is to ask yourself, “How willing am I to do whatever it takes to express my values in living?” Our inspirations are often people who, despite their fear, choose actions that express their values. Think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Mother Theresa. They expressed their values in their daily lives to the degree that the world recognized them as inspiring. You can use your values to shape your choices in a profound way. The key questions are, “Will this behavior protect my values?” and “How do my values shape the next step for me?”
Application of the model
Some generic examples may help. I feel a sense of fear in response to my partner. It really doesn’t matter what it is, because the surface issue simply reflects the existential fear that I bring to the conversation (see the blog entries on transference). So, in the case when I feel any fear, I can play the role of victim. I feel powerless, and in this example I might move to the secondary role of trying to placate my partner. I will do what I need to help my partner feel better so I reduce my level of fear. I could put “boss,” “friend” or any role into that space of partner. I can also put a larger phenomenon such as “culture” or “church” or society. As another generic example, I can play the role of victim, and move to the secondary role to blame my partner. I start to victimize others in response to the fear I feel.
Now some specific examples related to my work in the realm of sexuality.
First, consider a guy struggling with feelings of loneliness and rejection
• My wife just doesn’t understand me. So, since she doesn’t understand me I will use the Internet to help medicate my feelings of loneliness. When caught, I blame by partner by saying “You don’t understand me. If you were available, I wouldn’t need to go online.” These two statements reflect both the perpetrator and victim responses.
Second, consider a person who is afraid of their sexuality.
• In this case, the person might experience feelings of sadness and depression expressing the fear of rejection. In this place, they might move toward placating society by hiding sexuality or “following the rules.”
Third, consider a person having a sexual relationship outside a monogamous relationship.
• In this case, the fear of being discovered may get projected as attacks against others who engage in these behaviors. Some of the individuals with the strongest reactions to President Clinton’s behaviors with Monica Lewinsky were later found to have engaged in the same behaviors (Gingrich, Ensign). Their fear was projected as a perpetrator and later as a victim once uncovered.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The power of story
When we think about who we are, we essentially come up with a story. When you string enough of the stories together, you develop a sense of self. Some of our stories have a profound role in shaping our identity; other stories have a minimal impact. Sometimes there is a story we deny, avoid or otherwise minimize. Sometimes we simply forget our stories. In a few cases, we’ve never thought about a particular story line. When prompted, however, thinking about the story can lead to profound change.
I encourage you to think of all of the stories about yourself and others. One place to look at is phrase that comes after because. “I do that because….. I’m that way because…… This is important because….. “ These are the stories that shape your life.
As you will find, some of the stories may be helpful or unhelpful. Some stories may suggest topics to review with your support network or therapist. A few of the stories may be a source of profound joy or emotional pain. As you understand the stories, there is no right or wrong story. What is important is that this is your story.
Believe it or not, it is possible to change the story. This is a process of growth and development. Taking a new perspective on a story can lead to new insights. Gaining additional information changes the content of the story. Feedback from peers can facilitate a reframe of the story. This process of change requires us to know and understand the stories in our life.
I encourage you to think of all of the stories about yourself and others. One place to look at is phrase that comes after because. “I do that because….. I’m that way because…… This is important because….. “ These are the stories that shape your life.
As you will find, some of the stories may be helpful or unhelpful. Some stories may suggest topics to review with your support network or therapist. A few of the stories may be a source of profound joy or emotional pain. As you understand the stories, there is no right or wrong story. What is important is that this is your story.
Believe it or not, it is possible to change the story. This is a process of growth and development. Taking a new perspective on a story can lead to new insights. Gaining additional information changes the content of the story. Feedback from peers can facilitate a reframe of the story. This process of change requires us to know and understand the stories in our life.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Topic 8: Power of Though, Thinking Errors and the Psychology of the Internet
WARNING--LONG POST.
Weston Edwards
As I shared, our goal is to post much of the material.
A lot of emphasis in our treatment approach focuses on helping you understand your thinking patterns and, in particular, your “thinking errors.” To do so, we first need to discuss the power of thought. (Insert the following as an endnote: If you want to read additional resources, please read Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Carlson and Bailey, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Csikszentmihalyi, and Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Gladwell, and The Power of Now by Tolle.) The basic premise is our entire existence is based on though ranging from the way we examine life events, perception of events in our life, the feelings we have, and the way we interact with others. This chapter explains why we hold this premise.
At one point in the Broadway Musical Wicked, the heroine enters Oz, where the citizens wear green-colored glasses. Over time, the citizens had just forgotten they were wearing green glasses, and simply concluded that everything was in fact green. This was why Oz appeared to be an “Emerald City.” In a similar way, our thinking patterns color our view of life. These patterns are so pervasive that we simply don’t realize they are present. Sometimes the assumptions have a limited impact in our lives; other times, these thinking patterns are so unhealthy they result in painful consequences. In many ways, the cultures we belong to are the lenses we use to look at the world. Our awareness of these lenses has disappeared simply because we see through them versus seeing them. The movement toward sexual health is the process toward understanding the cultural lenses we use to understand the world.
Our cultural views shape both the worldview and the experience of each moment. Within each moment our awareness and knowledge are based on perceptions, and through the almost instantaneous analysis of these perceptions, we arrive at a conclusion (i.e., a “thought”) that guides our feelings, choices and behaviors. This is a bit different from conventional wisdom, which often dictates that feelings come first. Yet, consider the following scenarios.
You parked your car on the street. As you return from the store, you find your car is gone. The awareness is that your car is missing. The feelings result from the conclusions based on various thoughts. Depending on the thought, your feelings might be different. Consider the following:
• You have been reading the newspaper about stolen cars in the neighborhood. The thought that percolates to your awareness is, “My car has been stolen,” and you probably have feelings of anger or of being violated, or both.
• As an alternative, you notice a “No Parking” sign during high traffic/rush hours. You happen to have parked your car just before that time began, and you returned to find you car gone. Your thought might be, “My car has been towed.” Notice, however, your feelings are different based on your thoughts. You might feel anger, embarrassment, frustration or shame because you feel you should have known better.
• Consider a third possibility. You’re talking on a cell phone, as you get to where you thought you parked your car, you realize it is gone. You think, “My car is gone” with thoughts of anger, violation, frustration, etc. Then you notice that six spaces up is your car. Because you were distracted, you went to the wrong space. The corresponding feelings might be embarrassment, relief, and/or humor as you realize how you overreacted.
These three examples help explain how thoughts shape your feelings and subsequent behaviors. Gladwell highlights how much of our thought is actually automatic and can occur in the blink of an eye. Sometimes we simply don’t realize how many different thoughts we have in a particular moment. Not true, you say? Think about how many complicated tasks, thoughts and attention to stimuli occur while you drive a car. Yet, you never think about driving a car. You simply drive. The application in treating internet sexual compulsivity is to help clients realize how ritualized the acting-out process is for many people.
Two strategies we want you to use at this point for increasing the awareness of the power of your thoughts are mindfulness and transference. Both are powerful tools that give us insight into the power of thought.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the experience of being aware of your current thoughts, feelings, body state and surroundings by paying attention to your reactions, motivations and actions. To increase your ability to be mindful, I encourage you to become aware of your inner conversation. When someone walks into the room, we may say to the person next to us, “She’s attractive.” But our inner conversation is what we have with ourselves when no one is around. Someone might walk into the room, and we say to ourselves, “I want to have sex with her.” Various meditation techniques can also be helpful in increasing your mindfulness. The process of behavioral analysis described later in the stage is a tool of increasing mindfulness by asking you to reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behaviors when you last acted-out (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.).
Transference
Transference is any reaction we have to another person. Often the experience of transference occurs so quickly, we don’t realize either that it occurred or the content of the transference. We are CONSTANTLY making assessments and judgments of our environment based on our past experience. It is the past experience applied to the current situation that typifies transference. Most of the time we focus on negative transference, or the negative reactions we have to someone. Positive transference is also helpful to understand. In any reaction, you can learn what you are feeling and thinking and how it relates to your acting-out cycle. The individuals with whom we have the strongest reaction are perhaps the people who can teach us the most. It is your reaction that tells you the most about yourself. Ask yourself the following questions: “Why am I having this reaction? Who does this remind me of? What memory does this person trigger? Why do I like or dislike this person?”
Whatever the response, you can gain insight into your internal thoughts and feelings.
Taken together, mindfulness and transference are two important concepts to help you increase your awareness of your thoughts. Much of what we think occurs so automatically that we see the picture but fail to see the pieces of the puzzle. The acting-out cycle is equivalent to the picture, while the thoughts, feelings and high-risk situations are the individual pieces.
Thinking Errors and the Psychology of the Internet
ADD PSYCHOLOGY OF INTERNET HERE?
Thinking Errors
This concept has a variety of different names, depending on the theoretical orientation of the clinician. You might have heard terms such as “psychological defenses,” “cognitive distortions,” or even “stinkin’ thinkin.” All of these labels refer to a pattern of unhealthy thinking. We prefer to call them “thinking errors.” Often, these thinking errors are attempts to minimize pain, justify our behaviors, avoid responsibility, or otherwise help us avoid reality. As you increase your awareness of thinking errors, the variety and number of thinking errors will surprise you. You will be amazed at the presence of these thoughts and how we use them to justify almost all behavior. A great place to start recognizing a thinking error is to look at any thought that comes after the word “because.” I was online “because……, or “ I was downloading pictures because….” While not universal, the vast majority of times we answer the response “because” we are using a thinking error.
In the movie “Shrek,” the character of the Shrek describes Orge’s as having layers, like an onion. Applying the idea, our thoughts often have deeper layers. As we delve deeper into recognizing our thinking, it is possible to gain insight into deeper levels of meaning. Sometimes even a “great reason” hides a thinking error so it’s important to think outside the box and look at the layers of thought. Take, for example, why a person stops at a stop sign. In asking the question, “What is one reason a person stops at a stop sign?” it is possible to identify a number of thoughts that could be thinking errors. A few reasons might be “I don’t want to get a ticket.” I don’t want to get hurt” “It is what I’m taught.” While true, each reflects a possible deeper level that needs to be uncovered. “I don’t want to get in trouble” might reflect layers of guilt/shame. A possible deeper level of using safety as an explanation might also reflect layers of anxiety. For some people, they don’t stop at stop signs, they sort of “roll through them.” This can also reflect a patter of thinking such as “the rules don’t apply to me. As a fun exercise, ask yourself the reason you are stopping at the next stop sign you come across as you drive.
As illustrated in the acting-out cycle (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.), and in the power-of-thought above (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.), our thoughts shape our reality. We act based on these thoughts. Too many times I’ve heard comments such as “I didn’t know what I was thinking” or “I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, so why couldn’t I stop myself?” My response is to affirm that the acting-out cycle is sophisticated; people will act on thoughts they may not fully realize are present. The speed of our thoughts is simply too fast for us to fully understand them before we act. Some of these thoughts might be suppressed and/or repressed. Others may be so automatic we simply don’t recognize their power. An important purpose of therapy is to help you reveal the unhealthy thinking patterns in your life.
Now we’ve included a summary of thinking errors, we must state that in no way is this list exhaustive. The mind is an amazingly creative source of never-ending thinking errors, and these examples represent just the most frequent types. One of our main goals is to help you become aware of the various thinking patterns in your life.
Justification: Making excuses for our behaviors.
“I deserved it.”
“It happened to me and no one cared, so why should I care?”
“I was angry, so my behavior is understandable.”
“It’s what I like, so the other person should like it too.”
“My partner isn’t available, so it’s OK to be online.”
“I’ve been working all day at the computer, I deserve a 5-minute surfing break.”
Repression: Forgetting things that are uncomfortable.
“I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“I have no memory of my behavior.”
“I didn’t think anything bad would happen.”
Displacement/Blaming: Telling ourselves someone or something else is responsible for our actions.
“If she had not done what she did, nothing bad would have happened.”
“He started it.”
“The web page kept popping up on it’s own; I didn’t know how to stop it.”
“I was only downloading adult porn, I didn’t want the child porn.”
“She had a reputation, so she deserved it.”
“He didn’t tell me to stop, so it was his fault.”
“She’s a tease, so it was as much her fault as mine.”
“I had to do what I did because my partner isn’t interested in sex.”
Victimization: Using one’s own history as a justification for behavior.
“I’m the victim in this case.”
“I had no other choice.”
“It happened to me at that age, so my actions should be forgiven.”
“I never get what I want.”
“If this hadn’t been done this to me, I wouldn’t be doing it now.”
“No one was there for me.”
Minimization: Playing down the nature of the discretion or the harm.
“I only did it this one time.”
“No harm, no foul.”
“I was just trying to make her feel better.”
“Things just got out of hand.”
“It wasn’t sex.”
“I’ll only do it one last time.”
“I didn’t actually connect with someone.”
“It was just chatting”
“It’s just pictures; no one was hurt.”
Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening.
“I didn’t know it was against the law.”
“I won’t get caught.”
“No body will know I’m visiting this website.”
“I didn’t think my partner would care.”
Catastrophizing/Exaggerating: Exaggerating the reasons for or the consequences of our actions. Use of the phrases “the worst,” “the best,” etc.
“If I hadn’t done it, something awful would have happened.”
“I did what I did because I had the worst family.”
“It was worth it because it was the best sexual encounter ever.”
“He was the meanest guy.”
Using dramatic gestures and vocalizations such verbal sighs, waving hands.
Over-Generalization: Use of terms such as “everybody,” “never,” “always,” “no one.”
“Everybody else seems to do it.”
“I am never wrong.”
“I know others do it so I figured it would be OK.”
“I’m always blamed.”
Misinterpretation: Deliberately taking the comments or actions of another out of the context.
“I just did what you told me to do.”
“I only did oral sex, so it isn’t real sex.”
“You didn’t say I couldn’t act this way.”
“I didn’t sleep with anyone, it was only ______” (fill in the blank: Internet sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, pornography or other)
Escaping/ Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
“I hoped it would make me feel better.”
“I didn’t think I would get ______ .” (fill in the blank: arrested, sick, caught, hurt, etc.)
Projection: Shifting one’s unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses onto someone else so as to blame or attack that person.
Accusing your partner of unhealthy sexual behavior.
Being antigay when you have sexual feelings for others of the same sex.
Using “you” statements. (“At least I’m not like you.”)
“It’s your fault because your not sexually available to me.”
Primary Thinking Error (to be reworked)
We use many thinking errors over time, but sometimes one constant theme may be present throughout our thinking errors. We label this theme the “primary thinking error.” It is often the foundation of how we make sense of the world. To put it more accurately, it is the thought that we first use to interpret any situation. The less information we have about a situation in real time, the more likely we are to base our assessment on our primary thinking error. As ingrained as this pattern of thinking is in our life, it is very difficult to recognize. Think about the example of wearing glasses: After a while, we forget we have them on. Another example is driving a car. When we drive home, we don’t think about the route we take; we simply drive. But after we move to a different place, we have to make a conscious effort to get home so we don’t automatically drive to the old residence.
Often it is the primary thinking error that drives our behavior. For example, if your primary thinking error is “I don’t fit in,” you might look for ways to use this thought of not fitting in to justify your behaviors. You might go online for a sexual chat because you avoid the risk of being rejected. If you’re in a situation where you do feel rejected, you look at it as further proof of how you don’t fit in. As a result, you constantly worry about not fitting in, and you look for that perfect situation where you don’t have to worry about the possibility of not fitting in. It gets exhausting!
Identifying the Primary Thinking Error
There is no easy way to identify your primary thinking error directly, but we’ve found it helpful to use a variety of different approaches in an effort to pin down what your primary thinking error is. In the beginning, we recommend you simply list the thoughts that come to mind without trying to analyze them too much at this point. Complete the following:
1. Review the examples of Thinking Errors (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.). Which thinking errors, in relation to others, elicit the most intense reaction from you? It might be the ones where you say, “I say this often” or those where you say, “That is NOT me…no way.” If any of the thinking error examples elicit a reaction, think about why the reaction occurred. Think about the deeper layers under any particular thinking error.
2. Look at an incident where you acted-out. As you complete a behavioral analysis (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.), track the thoughts backward. I use the idea of dominos as an example. Think of a thought as a domino. Each domino’s fall is triggered by the fall of the domino before it, and that domino’s fall was triggered by the fall of the domino that preceded it, and the fall of all the dominoes can be traced down the line to the very first domino. In the same way, a thought we have is triggered by a preceding thought, and that thought was triggered by the thought that preceded it, all the way back to the initial thought. If we can trace our thoughts back to one “initial thought,” we could find our primary thinking error.
3. What life events, big or small, trigger the strongest reaction? (It might be helpful to review the concepts on mindfulness and transference, see page Error! Bookmark not defined.). Before you react, identify the internal conversation or thoughts you are having. What is the assumption you have about what happened or what you think the other person or persons involved did or said?
4. Look back over times in your life when things did not go the way you wanted. These could be what you consider “big” things (such as losing a job, being called into the boss’ office) or “small” things (such as plans with a friend falling through). What do you say to yourself to make sense of the situation? What might be your fear in these situations?
5. When you look at the list of thoughts, restate them in a simple way. I encourage my clients to rephrase the thought as a six- or seven-year-old might phrase them.
Some examples of primary thinking errors:
• “It’s my fault.”
• “I can’t do it.”
• “It doesn’t matter.”
• “Why try?”
• “This won’t work.”
• “You can’t make me.”
• “I can do what I want.”
• “I don’t fit in.”
• “Nobody wants me.”
• “I don’t know.”
It is important to emphasize that we are looking for a “thought” and not a feeling. If you identify a feeling in the process, ask yourself “Why do I feel this? What is the thought that creates that feeling?” Too often people will say, “I’m bad” or “I’m not good enough.” My response is to ask, “Why do you feel that?”
These exercises are simply tools to help you pinpoint your primary thinking error. If you can’t pinpoint it at this point, that’s OK. You might be able to identify it later on as you start to look at incidents as they occur in real time.
As difficult as it is to identify the primary thinking error, the reward for identifying and recognizing it is amazing. Consider the reality that you cannot break a bad habit if you do not know you are engaging in a bad habit. In golf, for example, coaches often help you “unlearn” bad habits you picked up along the way. So it is with the primary thinking error. It is a habitual way of thinking. When we recognize our primary thinking error, new opportunities become possible. Part of freedom is the ability to do whatever we want to do, but another part of it is being able to step out of bad patterns and choose the direction in which we want to go. As you recognize how often you use the primary thinking error, you can make a different choice toward something else that is more important.
Assignment
• Mindfulness is the process of becoming aware of the “here and now.” Start to increase your awareness of your current thoughts.
• If you have any emotional reaction, identify the thoughts associated with the reaction.
• Describe the underlying thought relating to any experience of transference.
• Complete the tasks identified in #1-5 above under the subsection Primary Thinking Error. Summarize any common themes here.
• Start to examine patterns of thinking that appear to be present in your life. Pay attention to how you answer the question “because…” What themes appear to be present at this point?
• Identify 3-5 thinking errors you use in your life.
• Review the list of thinking errors with your support network. Which thinking errors do they suggest might be consistently present?
• What are your initial plans to help you cope with these thinking errors?
• Return to the list and update as necessary.
Summary of Your Current Thinking Errors
1.
My plans for coping:
•
•
2.
My plans for coping:
•
•
3.
My plans for coping:
•
•
Weston Edwards
As I shared, our goal is to post much of the material.
A lot of emphasis in our treatment approach focuses on helping you understand your thinking patterns and, in particular, your “thinking errors.” To do so, we first need to discuss the power of thought. (Insert the following as an endnote: If you want to read additional resources, please read Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Carlson and Bailey, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Csikszentmihalyi, and Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Gladwell, and The Power of Now by Tolle.) The basic premise is our entire existence is based on though ranging from the way we examine life events, perception of events in our life, the feelings we have, and the way we interact with others. This chapter explains why we hold this premise.
At one point in the Broadway Musical Wicked, the heroine enters Oz, where the citizens wear green-colored glasses. Over time, the citizens had just forgotten they were wearing green glasses, and simply concluded that everything was in fact green. This was why Oz appeared to be an “Emerald City.” In a similar way, our thinking patterns color our view of life. These patterns are so pervasive that we simply don’t realize they are present. Sometimes the assumptions have a limited impact in our lives; other times, these thinking patterns are so unhealthy they result in painful consequences. In many ways, the cultures we belong to are the lenses we use to look at the world. Our awareness of these lenses has disappeared simply because we see through them versus seeing them. The movement toward sexual health is the process toward understanding the cultural lenses we use to understand the world.
Our cultural views shape both the worldview and the experience of each moment. Within each moment our awareness and knowledge are based on perceptions, and through the almost instantaneous analysis of these perceptions, we arrive at a conclusion (i.e., a “thought”) that guides our feelings, choices and behaviors. This is a bit different from conventional wisdom, which often dictates that feelings come first. Yet, consider the following scenarios.
You parked your car on the street. As you return from the store, you find your car is gone. The awareness is that your car is missing. The feelings result from the conclusions based on various thoughts. Depending on the thought, your feelings might be different. Consider the following:
• You have been reading the newspaper about stolen cars in the neighborhood. The thought that percolates to your awareness is, “My car has been stolen,” and you probably have feelings of anger or of being violated, or both.
• As an alternative, you notice a “No Parking” sign during high traffic/rush hours. You happen to have parked your car just before that time began, and you returned to find you car gone. Your thought might be, “My car has been towed.” Notice, however, your feelings are different based on your thoughts. You might feel anger, embarrassment, frustration or shame because you feel you should have known better.
• Consider a third possibility. You’re talking on a cell phone, as you get to where you thought you parked your car, you realize it is gone. You think, “My car is gone” with thoughts of anger, violation, frustration, etc. Then you notice that six spaces up is your car. Because you were distracted, you went to the wrong space. The corresponding feelings might be embarrassment, relief, and/or humor as you realize how you overreacted.
These three examples help explain how thoughts shape your feelings and subsequent behaviors. Gladwell highlights how much of our thought is actually automatic and can occur in the blink of an eye. Sometimes we simply don’t realize how many different thoughts we have in a particular moment. Not true, you say? Think about how many complicated tasks, thoughts and attention to stimuli occur while you drive a car. Yet, you never think about driving a car. You simply drive. The application in treating internet sexual compulsivity is to help clients realize how ritualized the acting-out process is for many people.
Two strategies we want you to use at this point for increasing the awareness of the power of your thoughts are mindfulness and transference. Both are powerful tools that give us insight into the power of thought.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the experience of being aware of your current thoughts, feelings, body state and surroundings by paying attention to your reactions, motivations and actions. To increase your ability to be mindful, I encourage you to become aware of your inner conversation. When someone walks into the room, we may say to the person next to us, “She’s attractive.” But our inner conversation is what we have with ourselves when no one is around. Someone might walk into the room, and we say to ourselves, “I want to have sex with her.” Various meditation techniques can also be helpful in increasing your mindfulness. The process of behavioral analysis described later in the stage is a tool of increasing mindfulness by asking you to reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behaviors when you last acted-out (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.).
Transference
Transference is any reaction we have to another person. Often the experience of transference occurs so quickly, we don’t realize either that it occurred or the content of the transference. We are CONSTANTLY making assessments and judgments of our environment based on our past experience. It is the past experience applied to the current situation that typifies transference. Most of the time we focus on negative transference, or the negative reactions we have to someone. Positive transference is also helpful to understand. In any reaction, you can learn what you are feeling and thinking and how it relates to your acting-out cycle. The individuals with whom we have the strongest reaction are perhaps the people who can teach us the most. It is your reaction that tells you the most about yourself. Ask yourself the following questions: “Why am I having this reaction? Who does this remind me of? What memory does this person trigger? Why do I like or dislike this person?”
Whatever the response, you can gain insight into your internal thoughts and feelings.
Taken together, mindfulness and transference are two important concepts to help you increase your awareness of your thoughts. Much of what we think occurs so automatically that we see the picture but fail to see the pieces of the puzzle. The acting-out cycle is equivalent to the picture, while the thoughts, feelings and high-risk situations are the individual pieces.
Thinking Errors and the Psychology of the Internet
ADD PSYCHOLOGY OF INTERNET HERE?
Thinking Errors
This concept has a variety of different names, depending on the theoretical orientation of the clinician. You might have heard terms such as “psychological defenses,” “cognitive distortions,” or even “stinkin’ thinkin.” All of these labels refer to a pattern of unhealthy thinking. We prefer to call them “thinking errors.” Often, these thinking errors are attempts to minimize pain, justify our behaviors, avoid responsibility, or otherwise help us avoid reality. As you increase your awareness of thinking errors, the variety and number of thinking errors will surprise you. You will be amazed at the presence of these thoughts and how we use them to justify almost all behavior. A great place to start recognizing a thinking error is to look at any thought that comes after the word “because.” I was online “because……, or “ I was downloading pictures because….” While not universal, the vast majority of times we answer the response “because” we are using a thinking error.
In the movie “Shrek,” the character of the Shrek describes Orge’s as having layers, like an onion. Applying the idea, our thoughts often have deeper layers. As we delve deeper into recognizing our thinking, it is possible to gain insight into deeper levels of meaning. Sometimes even a “great reason” hides a thinking error so it’s important to think outside the box and look at the layers of thought. Take, for example, why a person stops at a stop sign. In asking the question, “What is one reason a person stops at a stop sign?” it is possible to identify a number of thoughts that could be thinking errors. A few reasons might be “I don’t want to get a ticket.” I don’t want to get hurt” “It is what I’m taught.” While true, each reflects a possible deeper level that needs to be uncovered. “I don’t want to get in trouble” might reflect layers of guilt/shame. A possible deeper level of using safety as an explanation might also reflect layers of anxiety. For some people, they don’t stop at stop signs, they sort of “roll through them.” This can also reflect a patter of thinking such as “the rules don’t apply to me. As a fun exercise, ask yourself the reason you are stopping at the next stop sign you come across as you drive.
As illustrated in the acting-out cycle (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.), and in the power-of-thought above (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.), our thoughts shape our reality. We act based on these thoughts. Too many times I’ve heard comments such as “I didn’t know what I was thinking” or “I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, so why couldn’t I stop myself?” My response is to affirm that the acting-out cycle is sophisticated; people will act on thoughts they may not fully realize are present. The speed of our thoughts is simply too fast for us to fully understand them before we act. Some of these thoughts might be suppressed and/or repressed. Others may be so automatic we simply don’t recognize their power. An important purpose of therapy is to help you reveal the unhealthy thinking patterns in your life.
Now we’ve included a summary of thinking errors, we must state that in no way is this list exhaustive. The mind is an amazingly creative source of never-ending thinking errors, and these examples represent just the most frequent types. One of our main goals is to help you become aware of the various thinking patterns in your life.
Justification: Making excuses for our behaviors.
“I deserved it.”
“It happened to me and no one cared, so why should I care?”
“I was angry, so my behavior is understandable.”
“It’s what I like, so the other person should like it too.”
“My partner isn’t available, so it’s OK to be online.”
“I’ve been working all day at the computer, I deserve a 5-minute surfing break.”
Repression: Forgetting things that are uncomfortable.
“I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“I have no memory of my behavior.”
“I didn’t think anything bad would happen.”
Displacement/Blaming: Telling ourselves someone or something else is responsible for our actions.
“If she had not done what she did, nothing bad would have happened.”
“He started it.”
“The web page kept popping up on it’s own; I didn’t know how to stop it.”
“I was only downloading adult porn, I didn’t want the child porn.”
“She had a reputation, so she deserved it.”
“He didn’t tell me to stop, so it was his fault.”
“She’s a tease, so it was as much her fault as mine.”
“I had to do what I did because my partner isn’t interested in sex.”
Victimization: Using one’s own history as a justification for behavior.
“I’m the victim in this case.”
“I had no other choice.”
“It happened to me at that age, so my actions should be forgiven.”
“I never get what I want.”
“If this hadn’t been done this to me, I wouldn’t be doing it now.”
“No one was there for me.”
Minimization: Playing down the nature of the discretion or the harm.
“I only did it this one time.”
“No harm, no foul.”
“I was just trying to make her feel better.”
“Things just got out of hand.”
“It wasn’t sex.”
“I’ll only do it one last time.”
“I didn’t actually connect with someone.”
“It was just chatting”
“It’s just pictures; no one was hurt.”
Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening.
“I didn’t know it was against the law.”
“I won’t get caught.”
“No body will know I’m visiting this website.”
“I didn’t think my partner would care.”
Catastrophizing/Exaggerating: Exaggerating the reasons for or the consequences of our actions. Use of the phrases “the worst,” “the best,” etc.
“If I hadn’t done it, something awful would have happened.”
“I did what I did because I had the worst family.”
“It was worth it because it was the best sexual encounter ever.”
“He was the meanest guy.”
Using dramatic gestures and vocalizations such verbal sighs, waving hands.
Over-Generalization: Use of terms such as “everybody,” “never,” “always,” “no one.”
“Everybody else seems to do it.”
“I am never wrong.”
“I know others do it so I figured it would be OK.”
“I’m always blamed.”
Misinterpretation: Deliberately taking the comments or actions of another out of the context.
“I just did what you told me to do.”
“I only did oral sex, so it isn’t real sex.”
“You didn’t say I couldn’t act this way.”
“I didn’t sleep with anyone, it was only ______” (fill in the blank: Internet sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, pornography or other)
Escaping/ Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
“I hoped it would make me feel better.”
“I didn’t think I would get ______ .” (fill in the blank: arrested, sick, caught, hurt, etc.)
Projection: Shifting one’s unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses onto someone else so as to blame or attack that person.
Accusing your partner of unhealthy sexual behavior.
Being antigay when you have sexual feelings for others of the same sex.
Using “you” statements. (“At least I’m not like you.”)
“It’s your fault because your not sexually available to me.”
Primary Thinking Error (to be reworked)
We use many thinking errors over time, but sometimes one constant theme may be present throughout our thinking errors. We label this theme the “primary thinking error.” It is often the foundation of how we make sense of the world. To put it more accurately, it is the thought that we first use to interpret any situation. The less information we have about a situation in real time, the more likely we are to base our assessment on our primary thinking error. As ingrained as this pattern of thinking is in our life, it is very difficult to recognize. Think about the example of wearing glasses: After a while, we forget we have them on. Another example is driving a car. When we drive home, we don’t think about the route we take; we simply drive. But after we move to a different place, we have to make a conscious effort to get home so we don’t automatically drive to the old residence.
Often it is the primary thinking error that drives our behavior. For example, if your primary thinking error is “I don’t fit in,” you might look for ways to use this thought of not fitting in to justify your behaviors. You might go online for a sexual chat because you avoid the risk of being rejected. If you’re in a situation where you do feel rejected, you look at it as further proof of how you don’t fit in. As a result, you constantly worry about not fitting in, and you look for that perfect situation where you don’t have to worry about the possibility of not fitting in. It gets exhausting!
Identifying the Primary Thinking Error
There is no easy way to identify your primary thinking error directly, but we’ve found it helpful to use a variety of different approaches in an effort to pin down what your primary thinking error is. In the beginning, we recommend you simply list the thoughts that come to mind without trying to analyze them too much at this point. Complete the following:
1. Review the examples of Thinking Errors (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.). Which thinking errors, in relation to others, elicit the most intense reaction from you? It might be the ones where you say, “I say this often” or those where you say, “That is NOT me…no way.” If any of the thinking error examples elicit a reaction, think about why the reaction occurred. Think about the deeper layers under any particular thinking error.
2. Look at an incident where you acted-out. As you complete a behavioral analysis (see page Error! Bookmark not defined.), track the thoughts backward. I use the idea of dominos as an example. Think of a thought as a domino. Each domino’s fall is triggered by the fall of the domino before it, and that domino’s fall was triggered by the fall of the domino that preceded it, and the fall of all the dominoes can be traced down the line to the very first domino. In the same way, a thought we have is triggered by a preceding thought, and that thought was triggered by the thought that preceded it, all the way back to the initial thought. If we can trace our thoughts back to one “initial thought,” we could find our primary thinking error.
3. What life events, big or small, trigger the strongest reaction? (It might be helpful to review the concepts on mindfulness and transference, see page Error! Bookmark not defined.). Before you react, identify the internal conversation or thoughts you are having. What is the assumption you have about what happened or what you think the other person or persons involved did or said?
4. Look back over times in your life when things did not go the way you wanted. These could be what you consider “big” things (such as losing a job, being called into the boss’ office) or “small” things (such as plans with a friend falling through). What do you say to yourself to make sense of the situation? What might be your fear in these situations?
5. When you look at the list of thoughts, restate them in a simple way. I encourage my clients to rephrase the thought as a six- or seven-year-old might phrase them.
Some examples of primary thinking errors:
• “It’s my fault.”
• “I can’t do it.”
• “It doesn’t matter.”
• “Why try?”
• “This won’t work.”
• “You can’t make me.”
• “I can do what I want.”
• “I don’t fit in.”
• “Nobody wants me.”
• “I don’t know.”
It is important to emphasize that we are looking for a “thought” and not a feeling. If you identify a feeling in the process, ask yourself “Why do I feel this? What is the thought that creates that feeling?” Too often people will say, “I’m bad” or “I’m not good enough.” My response is to ask, “Why do you feel that?”
These exercises are simply tools to help you pinpoint your primary thinking error. If you can’t pinpoint it at this point, that’s OK. You might be able to identify it later on as you start to look at incidents as they occur in real time.
As difficult as it is to identify the primary thinking error, the reward for identifying and recognizing it is amazing. Consider the reality that you cannot break a bad habit if you do not know you are engaging in a bad habit. In golf, for example, coaches often help you “unlearn” bad habits you picked up along the way. So it is with the primary thinking error. It is a habitual way of thinking. When we recognize our primary thinking error, new opportunities become possible. Part of freedom is the ability to do whatever we want to do, but another part of it is being able to step out of bad patterns and choose the direction in which we want to go. As you recognize how often you use the primary thinking error, you can make a different choice toward something else that is more important.
Assignment
• Mindfulness is the process of becoming aware of the “here and now.” Start to increase your awareness of your current thoughts.
• If you have any emotional reaction, identify the thoughts associated with the reaction.
• Describe the underlying thought relating to any experience of transference.
• Complete the tasks identified in #1-5 above under the subsection Primary Thinking Error. Summarize any common themes here.
• Start to examine patterns of thinking that appear to be present in your life. Pay attention to how you answer the question “because…” What themes appear to be present at this point?
• Identify 3-5 thinking errors you use in your life.
• Review the list of thinking errors with your support network. Which thinking errors do they suggest might be consistently present?
• What are your initial plans to help you cope with these thinking errors?
• Return to the list and update as necessary.
Summary of Your Current Thinking Errors
1.
My plans for coping:
•
•
2.
My plans for coping:
•
•
3.
My plans for coping:
•
•
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Drugs, Sex and Thinking Errors.
In the last week, I’ve been working with a number of clients struggling with integrating the power of thought and the primary thinking error. An example of a primary thinking error might be “I can’t do that.” In recognizing this thinking error, you might see when either you or another person responds to limits in their life when they believe others say “You can’t do that.”
In one scenario, a client will sometimes project as coming from others the message that he or she can’t do something. One example is a client who knows that he is gay. This person might project as coming from others the thought that “I can’t be gay.” Later, they may project that “I can’t do this or that because I will be rejected” which they use as justification for many types of behaviors. To cope with these perceived external limitations, a client will use alcohol and/or drugs as a way to cope with being gay in response to the perceived limitations. Next while under the influence, these external restrictions lose their controlling influence leading to out of control sexual behaviors. (In a similar way, it is possible to map the opposite direction --sexual behavior leading to chemical use.) As a consequence of the sexual behavior and chemical use, the client experiences feelings of shame and guilt. In one example, I saw a client use the relapse on sex and drugs as proof that “they couldn’t do” anything right. In a way, they set themselves up to repeat the cycle using a version of a primary thinking error “I can’t be sober”
In reviewing the power of thought and the idea of the primary thinking error, it might be helpful to review the post I wrote in July. I’ve cleaned up the language since the first draft. In this post, the concepts of the primary thinking error and core thought are the same.
http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com/2008/07/topic-14-primary-thinking-error.html
In one scenario, a client will sometimes project as coming from others the message that he or she can’t do something. One example is a client who knows that he is gay. This person might project as coming from others the thought that “I can’t be gay.” Later, they may project that “I can’t do this or that because I will be rejected” which they use as justification for many types of behaviors. To cope with these perceived external limitations, a client will use alcohol and/or drugs as a way to cope with being gay in response to the perceived limitations. Next while under the influence, these external restrictions lose their controlling influence leading to out of control sexual behaviors. (In a similar way, it is possible to map the opposite direction --sexual behavior leading to chemical use.) As a consequence of the sexual behavior and chemical use, the client experiences feelings of shame and guilt. In one example, I saw a client use the relapse on sex and drugs as proof that “they couldn’t do” anything right. In a way, they set themselves up to repeat the cycle using a version of a primary thinking error “I can’t be sober”
In reviewing the power of thought and the idea of the primary thinking error, it might be helpful to review the post I wrote in July. I’ve cleaned up the language since the first draft. In this post, the concepts of the primary thinking error and core thought are the same.
http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com/2008/07/topic-14-primary-thinking-error.html
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