My last two posts focused on sexual functioning issues, and unlinking sexual behavior and drug use. The feedback from clients has been positive. A colleague adapted the material to also talk about relationship development. I'm pleased to add Dr. Shannon Garrity as a guest author for this post.
Relationship parallels for sexual health
Shannon Garrity, Psy.D, LP
You have admitted you want a relationship, which is an important first step. As you progress in finding your *perfect* partner, consider the process it took to even admit or realize you want a relationship. We have mastered the art of skipping over the tough, ambiguous parts of life – now we are learning to navigate the unknown, vulnerable, exhilarating process of life. Consider the guide below as you put yourself out into the dating world (a relational parallel for de-linking sex and drugs):
1. Looking. Physical attraction or that “something” about the other person is often what first sparks interest, but to what else are you attracted? How important is it that your partner demonstrates values consistent with yours? Do you want someone with whom you can laugh? Is intellectual stimulation important to you? What about openness? Is it important to have a partner who is friendly, polite, compassionate, and/or sincere? Consider other general characteristics that you wish to have in a partner. It may also be helpful to consider to what extent do you demonstrate these?
If you need to, set rules for yourself. Some rules may be: no naked times until at least 3 months have passed, no overnight dates until at least 2-3 months, no sex until you really know (and still like) the person. Also consider your non-negotiables: he/she must be gay/bi/etc. and un-partnered and out, he/she must have xyz length of sobriety and/or not use, he/she must demonstrate general levels of respect, social decorum, etc. What have you struggled with in the past and what are you intent on changing?
2. Chatting/Flirting. In the early stages of dating or getting to know someone, you are doing just that – getting to know a person. You are getting to know him and how you are or how you feel when you are with him. Does he/she interest you? Does he/she laugh with you (or do your jokes fall on seemingly deaf ears or does he make fun of people rather than use humor in a non destructive way)? When you are in the chatting stage, you are at the beginning stages of getting to know someone. Generally, topics of conversation involve current events, pop culture, likes and dislikes, general relationship histories or life lessons; consider the idea of playing and having fun. This is the “hanging out” period. Face to face contact is probably once per week and maybe a chat or two during the week. Notice and heed to what is comfortable for you. Try dating – remember you are dating and getting to know the person, you aren’t married yet ☺
3. Spending more time together. As you get to know each other, you increase the frequency and time you spend together. If things are going well, this is when you usually might start thinking: will we want dogs or cats, does he want kids, or where will the honeymoon be? Resist judging the fantasies as good or bad, or trying to “figure out” if he likes you as much. Just note that they are fantasies and reconnect with the moment and stage of the relationship. If you were dating others when you met, you are likely both still dating other people; but you may begin to notice that you are particularly fond of this one.
4. Emotional touching. When you begin to notice you are really happy when he/she texts or calls or you feel noticeably excited to see him, you have progressed to the “emotional touching” phase. You likely exchange confessions of “I like you,” “you’re cool,” etc. You begin to experiment with the idea of progressing to a true, “I’m interested in you” dating relationship. Questions of “where is this going” or questions of a celestial nature are answered in the interaction itself. If you are wondering how he/she feels about you, consider his actions: does he seem happy to see you, do you talk, is the interaction balanced? Trusting yourself is key and takes practice. Notice the state of your anxiety level – this may be when you typically would have either bolted or started really worrying about whether “he/she likes you” or started covertly criticizing him/her. Pause, regroup and stay focused on yourself (yes, attend to the interaction, but remember it is not just about him/her – if he/she doesn’t call you back for 5 days, fine – this is about you practicing being grounded and authentic). Check in with yourself, how do you feel with him/her? Do you feel good and energized? Do you feel uncharacteristically dominate or uncharacteristically submissive or uncharacteristically somewhere in the middle? Periodically ask yourself these questions.
5. Emotional Petting. Ok, so you really like each other. You really like him/her. Notice the stirrings you feel. Remember to take care of yourself during this time. Keep working, keep spending time with your other friends and family. Yes, feel excited about your new guy/gal, but continue to attend to yourself. As you continue to get to know the relationship, ask yourself if you would be proud to introduce him/her to your friends and family? Have you met his/her friends and family? If you have done this already, how did it go? If you haven’t done this and have wanted to, consider what is happening (e.g., are you nervous or noticing “red flags”)? Do you feel comfortable having a conversation about this?
6. Full heart touching. As the relationship progresses, you will feel more of a connection. You will share more of your histories, etc. Be mindful when sharing your story. You are not “hiding” parts of yourself or your past. This is not about shame or keeping secrets; rather, you are learning about, setting, and experiencing your emotional and psychological boundaries. Do not assert more vulnerability than you are willing to lose. For example, if you feel a rush to disclose something or anxious to inquire about his/her response to more details of your history, notice what happens (your internal dialogue) or what you are thinking about before you take the plunge (this is not to say, “don’t do it,” just have a sense of your goals or hopes in doing it).
Be equally mindful when hearing his/her story. Is he/she going too fast for you? What is he/she “pulling from” or touching in you? For example, does he/she talk in detail about how much he/se has been hurt and you feel the need to take care of him, or does he/she assert anger about someone to the point where you start to feel nervous? Does he/she “push” you or ask you questions you are not ready to answer? Does he/she respect your boundaries when you set them? Notice what is happening within yourself: is it feeling too close? Are you changing yourself in some way? How can you correct this?
7. True Vulnerability. You have decided it is the two of you and things are going well. You know the other person as a separate being. You get who he/she is, quirks and all; and he/she gets you, quirks and all. The intimacy progresses to different levels, you feel like you have a close friend/partner with the other person. You are your best self.
8. Mutual Expression. You can talk with each other about everything: values, spirituality, family, work, friends, sex, likes and dislikes, open or not open relationship and related expectations. Although the connectedness and openness is there, you are still psychologically and emotionally autonomous. You have your bad days still but you know your partner is not responsible for not anticipating your every need. You still take care of yourself but you have a supportive partner.
9. No more fantasy land. Believe it or not, part of healthy relationships includes conflict at times. This is not about “I want Thai and he wants Burger King,” this is a fight where you might hurt each others feelings, say things you shouldn’t, etc. When you take time to look at the conflict notice how you experience it: do you feel victimized, do you feel he was “totally” in the wrong, are you thinking of ending it? What is happening in your world? Consider how the fight emerged, what happened? What was it about? Did it involve others? Were you starting to feel anxious and restless? Did you “pick” the fight? Did he /she“pick” the fight? Was there a need that hadn’t been met or stated? Consider the content of the fight and the process of the fight. You have been disappointed and have disappointed. You are both totally human. How will the relationship tolerate this?
10. Break-through (first kiss and make up). How did you resolve the conflict? Resolution takes time – re-attuning with your partner is something of a process, depending on the nature, intensity and frequency of the conflict. Do you feel good about how the resolution occurred? Did you both consider each others’ feelings and person? Did you just feel blamed? Were you really blamed or was that a voice and were you able to discuss that with your partner? Did you feel you both worked at it and met in the middle?
Often, a conflict of sorts brings couples closer, provided the conflict is “fair.” In working through the conflict, you both describe only your own positions (no one is the victim and no one is the abuser). This means you are grounded in your own experience. If you have a guess as to the other person’s reality, then ask, but you cannot read the other person’s mind – he is doing what makes sense to him and you are doing what makes sense to you. What can you learn from the conflict? For example, if one person was starting to feel resentful about something, where was the point for assertiveness? At the same time, where was the other person and did he know? Now repeat steps 1-10 multiple times.
11. Transformation. You have the house in the Hamptons and a pet tiger (now keep repeating steps 1-11 in no particular order…and remember to keep playing and having fun).
Showing posts with label relationship satisfaction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship satisfaction. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Friday, June 12, 2009
Coping with Grief in a Relationship
The responses on my recent articles "Do all gay men cheat?" and "Are you really over your ex?" brought to light a level of hurt and grief many people experience but may not understand. As you looking toward the future and new relationships, it may be helpful to address feelings of grief and loss.
I like using analogies in my work because they can help make things easier to understand. Consider the analogy of the relationship between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader in the Star War movies Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi as a way to highlight how people cope with grief. (I realize I may be starting to date myself by picking the analogy!)
For a brief reminder, in the series the enemy, Darth Vader, says to Luke those famous words "Luke, I am your father." Luke's response is "NOOOOOOOOO" and rather than surrendering to Darth Vader he falls to what he thinks is his death only to be rescued at the last moment. The pain in Luke's yell and the desperation that leads to the fall highlights the power of denial in grief and loss. When a relationship ends, the loss leads to the emotional fall. Rather than deal with the truth, we may run away and avoid the reality of the loss.
A few scenes later, Luke is talking to Obi Wan Kenobi saying, "Why didn't you tell me?" The tone of his voice is clearly anger. In this case, the anger is not "explosive yelling" but "cold simmering." The "how dare you look" that can send shivers down a person's spine. In my opinion, the cold simmering is a scarier expression of anger than explosive reactions.
In that same scene, Obi Wan responds to some of the questions by saying "from a certain point of view" the good person of your father died when he became the bad guy. He is introducing the concept of bargaining in coping with the grief of relationships.
As you look at your last relationship, from a certain point of view, it may be better to be out of the unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we may want to avoid the unhealthy aspects of the old relationship simply because we don't want to feel the grief. Moving toward health is to recognize that sometimes the end of a relationship might be healthy.
Near the end of the 3rd movie, Return of the Jedi, Leah asks, "What's wrong?" Luke's response is "Ask me later." Sometimes in the grief process, we simply don't want to talk about it. It may be too painful or take too much energy.
Luke also exhibits the final stage of grief, acceptance in the Return of the Jedi. Luke has come to acknowledge Darth Vader as his father. The acceptance doesn't lead to paralysis but instead turns into action to save the good guys from the evil Emperor. Luke's grief has even been transformed into action to save his father. In the same way, once we have addressed the grief, we get to the point where we can live a full life. We are also able to relate to others in a healthy way. And the past relationship isn't necessarily in the way of our next relationship. We may even be ready to reach out to our ex from a place of love and concern.
If you are coping with grief regarding a previous relationship, where do you see yourself? What can you do to move forward? Oh, and may the Force be with you!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Types of Relationships
Culture is very powerful in shaping our view of what is a healthy relationship. Our current culture emphasizes that sexual behavior should occur within a monogamous relationship, and that only monogamous relationships are healthy. How much do you agree with this expectation? In fact, there are a multitude of different types of relationships. Sexual health requires that you clarify the type of relationship you want. This is a controversial opinion where other clinicians may legitimately differ. The primary approach taken in this book is that you have the responsibility to choose the type of life you want to live regarding sexual expression.
As a summary, I highlight three types of sexual relationships:
Celibacy
Celibacy is a choice to not engage in any sexual contact with anyone. How people define celibacy varies. There are opinions saying that any sexual expression including masturbation, fantasy and use of sexually explicit material would be unhealthy. Other opinions focus celibacy as not allowing any genital contact with another person. Some religious traditions impose celibacy as the only form of sexual expression for groups of people (usually LGBT individuals or non-married straight couples). Also, some religious traditions impose celibacy as a discipline in order to for a person to qualify to be a minister in that tradition.
Rightfully understood, however, celibacy is less about telling yourself “you can’t do that” and instead emphasizing something greater in a person’s life. Celibacy allows a greater commitment to the major focus in a person’s life. In this approach, celibacy is believed to facilitate other types of intimate relationships. Many religious traditions have identified celibacy as a “gift of the Spirit” referring to it as a gift from God. In my opinion, a healthy expression of celibacy is possible. It does take a bit of work and self-understanding. And celibacy doesn’t “turn-off” the sexual energy within a person. If you choose this, you must find healthy ways to channel your sexual energy. It is very important for celibacy to be chosen for the right reason. In my experience, I’ve run into many individuals who “choose” celibacy out of fear, a history of abuse, or low self-esteem. If these are the motivating factors for choosing celibacy, it is only a matter of time that any commitment to or vow of celibacy will be broken.
Monogamy
Most of this workbook is built on the assumption of monogamy that is typically defined as sexual contact exclusively between two individuals within some type of committed relationship. Even this definition has different interpretations resulting in confusion and conflict. For some people, monogamy is expanded to prevent any emotional relationships with anyone but the primary partner. Some opinions of monogamy also see any use of sexually explicit material as a violation of the monogamy rule. As expected, in these examples monogamy is less about an expression of love but an expression of fear and attempts to control the partner. There is a decided lack of trust.
Healthy monogamy, in my opinion, is about trust and commitment. It’s working with your partner to put the other first. And paradoxically, in putting the other first, your needs are simultaneously met (partially because the other is putting you first). Monogamy isn’t passive, but requires tremendous amounts of work. The workbook is designed to start the necessary conversations regarding healthy monogamy.
Open Relationships
A final type of relationship discussed here is open relationships (typically defined as a relationship where there exists a primary sexual and emotional partner followed by a secondary partner or partners). Even within this concept there is a variety of definitions and expressions. If you choose an open relationship it is important for you and your primary partner to clarify ground rules and expectations. When, where, with whom and how often are all topics to be addressed. What are the plans for communicating and coping with fear, jealousy and insecurity? What are the safer-sex rules?
If you want an open relationship, examine what unmet needs (if any) exist within your primary relationship. Significant reflection should occur within your support network to clarify the reasons you want an open relationship. In particular, be careful that you are not simply trying to get out of the primary relationship. If the primary relationship is not healthy, it is important to address the issues first. If it should end, do this with integrity instead of forcing a rift that ends the relationship. One requirement is that all partners be open and honest in the conversation. Both partners must agree with a sense of internal integrity with any decision. It might be better to end a relationship than agree to a type of relationship that is inconsistent with your values.
Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.
As a summary, I highlight three types of sexual relationships:
Celibacy
Celibacy is a choice to not engage in any sexual contact with anyone. How people define celibacy varies. There are opinions saying that any sexual expression including masturbation, fantasy and use of sexually explicit material would be unhealthy. Other opinions focus celibacy as not allowing any genital contact with another person. Some religious traditions impose celibacy as the only form of sexual expression for groups of people (usually LGBT individuals or non-married straight couples). Also, some religious traditions impose celibacy as a discipline in order to for a person to qualify to be a minister in that tradition.
Rightfully understood, however, celibacy is less about telling yourself “you can’t do that” and instead emphasizing something greater in a person’s life. Celibacy allows a greater commitment to the major focus in a person’s life. In this approach, celibacy is believed to facilitate other types of intimate relationships. Many religious traditions have identified celibacy as a “gift of the Spirit” referring to it as a gift from God. In my opinion, a healthy expression of celibacy is possible. It does take a bit of work and self-understanding. And celibacy doesn’t “turn-off” the sexual energy within a person. If you choose this, you must find healthy ways to channel your sexual energy. It is very important for celibacy to be chosen for the right reason. In my experience, I’ve run into many individuals who “choose” celibacy out of fear, a history of abuse, or low self-esteem. If these are the motivating factors for choosing celibacy, it is only a matter of time that any commitment to or vow of celibacy will be broken.
Monogamy
Most of this workbook is built on the assumption of monogamy that is typically defined as sexual contact exclusively between two individuals within some type of committed relationship. Even this definition has different interpretations resulting in confusion and conflict. For some people, monogamy is expanded to prevent any emotional relationships with anyone but the primary partner. Some opinions of monogamy also see any use of sexually explicit material as a violation of the monogamy rule. As expected, in these examples monogamy is less about an expression of love but an expression of fear and attempts to control the partner. There is a decided lack of trust.
Healthy monogamy, in my opinion, is about trust and commitment. It’s working with your partner to put the other first. And paradoxically, in putting the other first, your needs are simultaneously met (partially because the other is putting you first). Monogamy isn’t passive, but requires tremendous amounts of work. The workbook is designed to start the necessary conversations regarding healthy monogamy.
Open Relationships
A final type of relationship discussed here is open relationships (typically defined as a relationship where there exists a primary sexual and emotional partner followed by a secondary partner or partners). Even within this concept there is a variety of definitions and expressions. If you choose an open relationship it is important for you and your primary partner to clarify ground rules and expectations. When, where, with whom and how often are all topics to be addressed. What are the plans for communicating and coping with fear, jealousy and insecurity? What are the safer-sex rules?
If you want an open relationship, examine what unmet needs (if any) exist within your primary relationship. Significant reflection should occur within your support network to clarify the reasons you want an open relationship. In particular, be careful that you are not simply trying to get out of the primary relationship. If the primary relationship is not healthy, it is important to address the issues first. If it should end, do this with integrity instead of forcing a rift that ends the relationship. One requirement is that all partners be open and honest in the conversation. Both partners must agree with a sense of internal integrity with any decision. It might be better to end a relationship than agree to a type of relationship that is inconsistent with your values.
Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Are you really over your ex?
She's packed her bags, gotten a new apartment and you've both moved on with your lives but have you really gotten "over" your ex? Many people think they have but if you read the comments to my last article "Do All Gay Men Cheat?" you quickly see an enormous amount of pain and anger people in the responses.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, there is going to be some amount of "garbage" of hurt and anger that needs to be actively dealt with. If you don't clear it away many of you will find some major barriers to having successful future relationships.
Impact Today
First thing you need to do is to take a good look at your current situation and try to figure out how the relationship relates to your life today. Specifically you're looking to identify how your past relationships impact your sexual behavior and also how your sexual behavior impacts your relationships.
Ask yourself the following questions:
* Do you do things you know are wrong because of something your partner did? Why?
* Was your partner’s behavior a response to something you did? Why?
* Are you avoiding relationships? Why?
Identifying Barriers
When a dog bites a child, there is a very good chance the child will have a negative reaction to dogs in the future. This is an example of transference. When you have a reaction to a current partner, it is often based on your past experiences. When these experiences are positive, your reactions are typically helpful. However, when they are negative they can create a barrier that may possibly doom a new relationship. What barriers are you experiencing today?
Unresolved Issues
Then there may be some "unresolved issues" affecting you that are a result of past relationships. Some of these include depression, abuse (physical, mental, verbal), the coming out process or feelings of shame and guilt. Sometimes the feelings of grief and hurt are so strong, some type of grief therapy may be needed to move past them. Until these are addressed you may be stuck on an escalator trying to go the wrong way.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is NOT about forgetting.
Forgiveness is NOT about letting the other person off the hook.
Forgiveness is about YOUR healing.
Forgiveness includes helping you heal from negative thoughts while at the same time helping you let go of painful feelings. It's an extreme act of compassion when you can forgive the person who hurt you. In some religious traditions, an example of raising forgiveness to a radical expression is offering compassion to your ex. This brings about YOUR radical transformation.
Ways to Move Forward
* Write a goodbye letter. You can be totally honest and open with your feelings because you aren't going to be mailing this letter. When you're finished show the letter to a number of close friends and family who can act as your "support network." Listen to what they have to say about it then put that letter aside and write a new one. Don't edit your existing letter but write out a brand new one. Then share this letter with your support group. Repeat writing the letter and sharing again. Repeat again. After you have done this about 10 times go back and review each version of your letter. By doing this you have really begun the healing process. If you choose, send the 10th version of the letter.
* Reach out to friends, family and professionals for the support you need.
* Establish a boundary. Your ex’s behavior is about your ex, despite what he/she may say. This is important to remember. Remind yourself of this mantra.
* Complete an inventory and honestly assess your role in the break-up. You will need to step out of the victim role to recognize it takes two to dance.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, there is going to be some amount of "garbage" of hurt and anger that needs to be actively dealt with. If you don't clear it away many of you will find some major barriers to having successful future relationships.
Impact Today
First thing you need to do is to take a good look at your current situation and try to figure out how the relationship relates to your life today. Specifically you're looking to identify how your past relationships impact your sexual behavior and also how your sexual behavior impacts your relationships.
Ask yourself the following questions:
* Do you do things you know are wrong because of something your partner did? Why?
* Was your partner’s behavior a response to something you did? Why?
* Are you avoiding relationships? Why?
Identifying Barriers
When a dog bites a child, there is a very good chance the child will have a negative reaction to dogs in the future. This is an example of transference. When you have a reaction to a current partner, it is often based on your past experiences. When these experiences are positive, your reactions are typically helpful. However, when they are negative they can create a barrier that may possibly doom a new relationship. What barriers are you experiencing today?
Unresolved Issues
Then there may be some "unresolved issues" affecting you that are a result of past relationships. Some of these include depression, abuse (physical, mental, verbal), the coming out process or feelings of shame and guilt. Sometimes the feelings of grief and hurt are so strong, some type of grief therapy may be needed to move past them. Until these are addressed you may be stuck on an escalator trying to go the wrong way.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is NOT about forgetting.
Forgiveness is NOT about letting the other person off the hook.
Forgiveness is about YOUR healing.
Forgiveness includes helping you heal from negative thoughts while at the same time helping you let go of painful feelings. It's an extreme act of compassion when you can forgive the person who hurt you. In some religious traditions, an example of raising forgiveness to a radical expression is offering compassion to your ex. This brings about YOUR radical transformation.
Ways to Move Forward
* Write a goodbye letter. You can be totally honest and open with your feelings because you aren't going to be mailing this letter. When you're finished show the letter to a number of close friends and family who can act as your "support network." Listen to what they have to say about it then put that letter aside and write a new one. Don't edit your existing letter but write out a brand new one. Then share this letter with your support group. Repeat writing the letter and sharing again. Repeat again. After you have done this about 10 times go back and review each version of your letter. By doing this you have really begun the healing process. If you choose, send the 10th version of the letter.
* Reach out to friends, family and professionals for the support you need.
* Establish a boundary. Your ex’s behavior is about your ex, despite what he/she may say. This is important to remember. Remind yourself of this mantra.
* Complete an inventory and honestly assess your role in the break-up. You will need to step out of the victim role to recognize it takes two to dance.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Do all men cheat
"I met a guy online and we have "played" many times during his lunch break. He is partnered and I am single "in the closet". I have asked him whether he feels bad that he is cheating on his BF. He has mentioned that we do sex acts that his lover does not. I have barebacked him a few times and he doesn't seem to worry that I might give him HIV or an STD. Are all gay relationships like this?"
In short, this guy is playing you. He’s using you and his partner and is putting all of you at risk for HIV/STDs (but frankly, so are you). The lack of honesty in his relationship is a major concern for me.
The fact is, not all gay relationships are like the example you mention. Gay relationships cover the entire spectrum from monogamous partnered relationships to no-strings casual sex relationships. In between are negotiated rules, modified relationships and just about everything else.
What works for me as a healthy relationship includes at least these four values:
Generativity
This is the experience when any sexual behavior makes you feel alive and energized as part of the experience. Your personal identity (and your partner’s) is affirmed, created and even expanded. You can walk away from the experience with your head held high. Sexual behavior is sometimes referred to as “adult play” suggesting a sense of fun and playfulness.
Open and Honest
Healthy sexuality is above board, open, and honest. While you may not talk about the incident with everyone because of discretion, you could disclose the activity. The sexual behavior is consistent with your values.
Consent
Full consent and awareness are present. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. Consent also implies respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e., stop, no, I do not want to), the behavior must stop. Any person can remove consent at any time for any reason.
Responsibility
This value requires you to ultimately assert fully your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. It is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of your values.
I don’t think the situation you describe is open and honest as well as consensual for all involved. I challenge you to think about whether or not having sex with this guy is consistent with YOUR values. I named 4 values above, but you may have additional values that may guide your decision.
In short, this guy is playing you. He’s using you and his partner and is putting all of you at risk for HIV/STDs (but frankly, so are you). The lack of honesty in his relationship is a major concern for me.
The fact is, not all gay relationships are like the example you mention. Gay relationships cover the entire spectrum from monogamous partnered relationships to no-strings casual sex relationships. In between are negotiated rules, modified relationships and just about everything else.
What works for me as a healthy relationship includes at least these four values:
Generativity
This is the experience when any sexual behavior makes you feel alive and energized as part of the experience. Your personal identity (and your partner’s) is affirmed, created and even expanded. You can walk away from the experience with your head held high. Sexual behavior is sometimes referred to as “adult play” suggesting a sense of fun and playfulness.
Open and Honest
Healthy sexuality is above board, open, and honest. While you may not talk about the incident with everyone because of discretion, you could disclose the activity. The sexual behavior is consistent with your values.
Consent
Full consent and awareness are present. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. Consent also implies respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e., stop, no, I do not want to), the behavior must stop. Any person can remove consent at any time for any reason.
Responsibility
This value requires you to ultimately assert fully your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. It is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of your values.
I don’t think the situation you describe is open and honest as well as consensual for all involved. I challenge you to think about whether or not having sex with this guy is consistent with YOUR values. I named 4 values above, but you may have additional values that may guide your decision.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Part two of the intimacy series.
"I read your article on types of intimacy and that's all well and good, but what I need to know you didn't cover. I know what I'm looking for but how do I actually find guys who like the same things?"
The short answer is get busy in the activities you enjoy. Guys with similar interests will naturally attract each other. Looking for a specific type of intimacy in the wrong place will leave you disappointed, bitter and jaded. Be honest with yourself.
How often are you going to bars or spending time online when these aren’t the best places to get your intimacy needs met? Are you willing to do the work you need to do to get your needs met? The following suggestions are just a starting place and by no means a complete list. By the way, you also need to put yourself out there by introducing yourself and talking to people versus simply showing up!
Emotional intimacy is the sharing of significant experiences and feelings.
* Find a support group. Pick a topic that is important in your life such as AA or other another 12-step group. For some people, a coming out group may be helpful. A wide range of topics exist that may fit your individual concerns.
* Examine your life events through therapy that hinders your ability to be in a relationship. These issues might be grief, abuse, and/or fear.
* Read Self Help Book. Believe it or not, the general series “_______ for Dummies” does a pretty good job introducing the reader to the basics on any give topic. I use the “Anxiety for Dummies” a lot in my practice.
* Appropriately share you inner thoughts, feelings, desires and needs with other people in your life.
Sexual intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. It's also talking about the deepest and darkest sexual secrets.
* Attend a workshop on sexuality (for example Body Electric)
* Share your fantasies with your partner.
* Strategize with your partner about how to make a part or all of a fantasy come true (within the rules of your relationship).
* Read a book on sexuality (New Joy of Gay Sex) and share with your partner what you liked and disliked.
Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing ideas.
* Take a class. Check out community colleges, local art groups and area newspapers for classes that may interest you.
* Teach a course.
* Join a book club.
* Join a listserv on a topic of your choice.
Aesthetic intimacy relates to experiences of beauty.
* Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, so what do you find beautiful? After you've figured it out, seek it out.
* If you like art, some natural ideas are to visit a museum, art space, play or movie.
* Love nature? Check out local hiking or outdoor groups to join.
* Missed your shot at American Idol? How about joining a local gay men's chorus?
* Traditional art not your thing? Walk through your city and photograph graffiti you find interesting.
Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared discovery.
* Bring a friend with you to any activity on this list.
* Join an art class.
* Read a book on “possibility”, such as the “Power of Now” by Eckhart Toll.
Recreational intimacy refers to the experience of play.
* Go to the gym, walk or physical activity.
* Find a club/group to join. (For example, most cities have hobby groups such as bowling or volleyball.) Do what you enjoy regardless of what others think. You might be surprise how many share your interests.
Work intimacy occurs in the sharing of tasks.
* Volunteer for work events/tasks. Join a committee at work.
* Talk with your co-workers about what is going on. Ask them what they did last night or over the weekend. Start sharing the basics with them as well.
* Volunteer with organizations or events that are close to your heart. This could be community activities like a Pride Festival or a political organization.
Crisis intimacy occurs as a result of major and minor tragedies.
* Volunteer for whatever jobs need to be done. This could include rescue, food drives and clean-up.
* Learn from the crisis to develop future plans.
Commitment intimacy is the experience of hope and possibility in response to addressing an issue, cause or event bigger than one person.
* Identify a cause/value that means something to you. Once you do that volunteer your time, talent or treasure to it.
Spiritual intimacy develops through sharing the values, meaning for life, and the core of our being.
* Join a church. Many traditional churches have gay-affirming components. There are also many gay churches to join, such as Metropolitan Community Church.
* Join a 12-step group. This could be AA but it might also be a 12-step group for partners of AA, Sexaholics, debtors, eating, and even “Emotions Anonymous.”
* Read/join an online group that discusses life values
Communication intimacy is the process of full disclosure with another person.
* Simply say what you mean, and mean what you say. Too often an individual will say what they think the other person wants to hear.
* Learn how to be present and listen to other people by attending a listening training program.
Conflict intimacy is the process of connecting, and facing and struggling with differences with others.
* Recognize that healthy fighting is a normal part of a relationship
* Learn how to fight in healthy ways by reading a book on conflict management/resolution such as “The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution.”
* Attend an anger management course.
* Attend a problem-solving course or reading material online.
* Attend an assertiveness training program.
The short answer is get busy in the activities you enjoy. Guys with similar interests will naturally attract each other. Looking for a specific type of intimacy in the wrong place will leave you disappointed, bitter and jaded. Be honest with yourself.
How often are you going to bars or spending time online when these aren’t the best places to get your intimacy needs met? Are you willing to do the work you need to do to get your needs met? The following suggestions are just a starting place and by no means a complete list. By the way, you also need to put yourself out there by introducing yourself and talking to people versus simply showing up!
Emotional intimacy is the sharing of significant experiences and feelings.
* Find a support group. Pick a topic that is important in your life such as AA or other another 12-step group. For some people, a coming out group may be helpful. A wide range of topics exist that may fit your individual concerns.
* Examine your life events through therapy that hinders your ability to be in a relationship. These issues might be grief, abuse, and/or fear.
* Read Self Help Book. Believe it or not, the general series “_______ for Dummies” does a pretty good job introducing the reader to the basics on any give topic. I use the “Anxiety for Dummies” a lot in my practice.
* Appropriately share you inner thoughts, feelings, desires and needs with other people in your life.
Sexual intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. It's also talking about the deepest and darkest sexual secrets.
* Attend a workshop on sexuality (for example Body Electric)
* Share your fantasies with your partner.
* Strategize with your partner about how to make a part or all of a fantasy come true (within the rules of your relationship).
* Read a book on sexuality (New Joy of Gay Sex) and share with your partner what you liked and disliked.
Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing ideas.
* Take a class. Check out community colleges, local art groups and area newspapers for classes that may interest you.
* Teach a course.
* Join a book club.
* Join a listserv on a topic of your choice.
Aesthetic intimacy relates to experiences of beauty.
* Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, so what do you find beautiful? After you've figured it out, seek it out.
* If you like art, some natural ideas are to visit a museum, art space, play or movie.
* Love nature? Check out local hiking or outdoor groups to join.
* Missed your shot at American Idol? How about joining a local gay men's chorus?
* Traditional art not your thing? Walk through your city and photograph graffiti you find interesting.
Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared discovery.
* Bring a friend with you to any activity on this list.
* Join an art class.
* Read a book on “possibility”, such as the “Power of Now” by Eckhart Toll.
Recreational intimacy refers to the experience of play.
* Go to the gym, walk or physical activity.
* Find a club/group to join. (For example, most cities have hobby groups such as bowling or volleyball.) Do what you enjoy regardless of what others think. You might be surprise how many share your interests.
Work intimacy occurs in the sharing of tasks.
* Volunteer for work events/tasks. Join a committee at work.
* Talk with your co-workers about what is going on. Ask them what they did last night or over the weekend. Start sharing the basics with them as well.
* Volunteer with organizations or events that are close to your heart. This could be community activities like a Pride Festival or a political organization.
Crisis intimacy occurs as a result of major and minor tragedies.
* Volunteer for whatever jobs need to be done. This could include rescue, food drives and clean-up.
* Learn from the crisis to develop future plans.
Commitment intimacy is the experience of hope and possibility in response to addressing an issue, cause or event bigger than one person.
* Identify a cause/value that means something to you. Once you do that volunteer your time, talent or treasure to it.
Spiritual intimacy develops through sharing the values, meaning for life, and the core of our being.
* Join a church. Many traditional churches have gay-affirming components. There are also many gay churches to join, such as Metropolitan Community Church.
* Join a 12-step group. This could be AA but it might also be a 12-step group for partners of AA, Sexaholics, debtors, eating, and even “Emotions Anonymous.”
* Read/join an online group that discusses life values
Communication intimacy is the process of full disclosure with another person.
* Simply say what you mean, and mean what you say. Too often an individual will say what they think the other person wants to hear.
* Learn how to be present and listen to other people by attending a listening training program.
Conflict intimacy is the process of connecting, and facing and struggling with differences with others.
* Recognize that healthy fighting is a normal part of a relationship
* Learn how to fight in healthy ways by reading a book on conflict management/resolution such as “The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution.”
* Attend an anger management course.
* Attend a problem-solving course or reading material online.
* Attend an assertiveness training program.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Intimacy doesn't only mean sex.
"Dear Dr. Edwards,
It seems sex has become an overwhelming preoccupation. How important is it and why? It appears sex is not viewed as an expression of love but has become a tool for self-satisfaction (me,me,me)?"
My whole reason for writing articles is to get people talking with their partners, friends, and family (yes, family as appropriate!). So I was thrilled with the number and diversity of responses from my articles Negotiating Sex with Your Partner, Part 1 and Part 2. Looking at these comments showed me that many people, both gay and straight, have a difficult time understanding what intimacy actually is.
Intimacy occurs with everyone we meet, everyday of the year. Friends, family and even strangers fulfill some part of our total intimacy needs. The husband and wife team of Howard and Charlotte Clinebell are counselors who identified 12 of these intimacy needs back in the 70s. If you boil down all their findings you'll discover something most people get confused about: one person can not meet all of our intimacy needs. In reality it would be unfair to expect them to.
I want you to try something. From the list below identify the three most important types of intimacy for you and then answer the following questions:
* How satisfied are you regarding this particular intimacy?
* Who in your life helps get these needs met?
* How am I helping others fulfill their intimacy needs?
* If I’m unsatisfied, how do I plan to address the needs?
* In my primary relationship, what type of intimacy do WE need to work on together?
Forms of intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the sharing of significant experiences and feelings. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of all other forms of intimacy. It is the ability to talk without fear. When fear is present, talking about that fear can facilitate a stronger and closer relationship. Emotional intimacy includes the ability to share one’s hopes and dreams.
Sexual intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. Talking about the deepest and darkest sexual secrets is a form of sexual intimacy. For some of my clients, I am the first person they talk to about sexuality.
Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing ideas. There is a genuine respect for each individual’s opinion. Agreement on the topic isn’t required for intellectual intimacy. It is the process of sharing, reflection and discussion that highlights the aspects of intellectual intimacy.
Aesthetic intimacy relates to experiences of beauty. This can include expressions of art such as music, plays and movies but also natural beauty such as sunrises, listening to a thunderstorm, and taking a day hike.
Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared vision. The key component is the process of co-creating with another person. Both you and the other person are growing in deeper ways as a result of the experience.
Recreational intimacy refers to the experience of play and stepping outside of the struggles of life, and simply spending time together. The types of play include sports, outdoor activities, and indoor activities. Sometimes other intimacies are incorporated into recreational activities such as going to a movie (aesthetic) and then talking about it afterward (intellectual).
Work intimacy occurs in the sharing of tasks. It can include projects, events, or the process of long-term commitment regarding work or family. These tasks vary in type, intensity and duration and could include completing a project at work, or finishing cleaning up the house. The feelings of satisfaction when completing a task with another person are examples of work intimacy.
Crisis intimacy occurs as a result of major and minor tragedies. Personal crises may be illness or accidents. Larger forms of crisis intimacy can be community experiences of a natural disaster. In these situations individuals step outside of their limits and connect. Strangers will go above and beyond typical behaviors. The long-term response of the gay community to HIV is a great example of this type of intimacy.
Commitment intimacy is the experience of hope and possibility in response to addressing an issue, cause or event bigger than one person. This can range from a short-term task (completing a social service project) to a never-ending task such as social justice, or providing HIV services. It is the process of transforming the world relative that is the source of intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy develops through sharing the most important areas of concerns including values, meaning for life, and the core of our being. It's an experience of possibility and transcendence beyond the daily experience of who we are. It can be connected to religious traditions and practices, but ultimately it is about how we connect with God (in whatever way we understand God).
Communication intimacy is the process of full disclosure with another person. It is the process of being open, honest and truthful. This includes giving difficult and constructive feedback even when it is difficult to do so.
Conflict intimacy is the process of connecting, respectful fighting and facing differences with others. Through the conflict there is a process of closeness that transcends the conflict ultimately leading to a closer relationship. The power of make-up sex highlights how conflict intimacy is so powerful.
It seems sex has become an overwhelming preoccupation. How important is it and why? It appears sex is not viewed as an expression of love but has become a tool for self-satisfaction (me,me,me)?"
My whole reason for writing articles is to get people talking with their partners, friends, and family (yes, family as appropriate!). So I was thrilled with the number and diversity of responses from my articles Negotiating Sex with Your Partner, Part 1 and Part 2. Looking at these comments showed me that many people, both gay and straight, have a difficult time understanding what intimacy actually is.
Intimacy occurs with everyone we meet, everyday of the year. Friends, family and even strangers fulfill some part of our total intimacy needs. The husband and wife team of Howard and Charlotte Clinebell are counselors who identified 12 of these intimacy needs back in the 70s. If you boil down all their findings you'll discover something most people get confused about: one person can not meet all of our intimacy needs. In reality it would be unfair to expect them to.
I want you to try something. From the list below identify the three most important types of intimacy for you and then answer the following questions:
* How satisfied are you regarding this particular intimacy?
* Who in your life helps get these needs met?
* How am I helping others fulfill their intimacy needs?
* If I’m unsatisfied, how do I plan to address the needs?
* In my primary relationship, what type of intimacy do WE need to work on together?
Forms of intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the sharing of significant experiences and feelings. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of all other forms of intimacy. It is the ability to talk without fear. When fear is present, talking about that fear can facilitate a stronger and closer relationship. Emotional intimacy includes the ability to share one’s hopes and dreams.
Sexual intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. Talking about the deepest and darkest sexual secrets is a form of sexual intimacy. For some of my clients, I am the first person they talk to about sexuality.
Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing ideas. There is a genuine respect for each individual’s opinion. Agreement on the topic isn’t required for intellectual intimacy. It is the process of sharing, reflection and discussion that highlights the aspects of intellectual intimacy.
Aesthetic intimacy relates to experiences of beauty. This can include expressions of art such as music, plays and movies but also natural beauty such as sunrises, listening to a thunderstorm, and taking a day hike.
Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared vision. The key component is the process of co-creating with another person. Both you and the other person are growing in deeper ways as a result of the experience.
Recreational intimacy refers to the experience of play and stepping outside of the struggles of life, and simply spending time together. The types of play include sports, outdoor activities, and indoor activities. Sometimes other intimacies are incorporated into recreational activities such as going to a movie (aesthetic) and then talking about it afterward (intellectual).
Work intimacy occurs in the sharing of tasks. It can include projects, events, or the process of long-term commitment regarding work or family. These tasks vary in type, intensity and duration and could include completing a project at work, or finishing cleaning up the house. The feelings of satisfaction when completing a task with another person are examples of work intimacy.
Crisis intimacy occurs as a result of major and minor tragedies. Personal crises may be illness or accidents. Larger forms of crisis intimacy can be community experiences of a natural disaster. In these situations individuals step outside of their limits and connect. Strangers will go above and beyond typical behaviors. The long-term response of the gay community to HIV is a great example of this type of intimacy.
Commitment intimacy is the experience of hope and possibility in response to addressing an issue, cause or event bigger than one person. This can range from a short-term task (completing a social service project) to a never-ending task such as social justice, or providing HIV services. It is the process of transforming the world relative that is the source of intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy develops through sharing the most important areas of concerns including values, meaning for life, and the core of our being. It's an experience of possibility and transcendence beyond the daily experience of who we are. It can be connected to religious traditions and practices, but ultimately it is about how we connect with God (in whatever way we understand God).
Communication intimacy is the process of full disclosure with another person. It is the process of being open, honest and truthful. This includes giving difficult and constructive feedback even when it is difficult to do so.
Conflict intimacy is the process of connecting, respectful fighting and facing differences with others. Through the conflict there is a process of closeness that transcends the conflict ultimately leading to a closer relationship. The power of make-up sex highlights how conflict intimacy is so powerful.
Negotiating Sex with your partner part 2
Last week I saw a tremendous response to Negotiating Sex With Your Partner. Many of you emailed me saying you have tried everything I mentioned in my first article but are still having problems. So if you're like many others who've tried to talk to their partner and still have issues, this article is for you.
That first article was an introduction into the basics of negotiating sex in your relationship. If you have shared your likes and dislikes and are still having problems, the next step requires a bit of hard work and honest discussions with your partner and also with yourself.
Prioritizing
Some relationships are not focused on sex because they are rich in other ways, such as shared values or emotional connections. Consider the importance of your sexual request. Are you willing to live without it? In looking at the whole picture you might have to agree not to engage in the behavior. This is often the case in 'kinkier' types of sexual behavior. If you absolutely are unwilling to live without the type of sexual behavior, consider the next two ideas.
Substituting
If your need or desire is important enough that you choose to not live without it, you and your partner need to negotiate an alternative way to get your sexual needs met. This can be difficult and elicit significant fear, jealousy and raise other issues. It may or may not require changes in the type of your relationship. For example, if your partner loves BDSM and you don't, would you be comfortable if your partner visited these kinds of websites in order for him to chat with others so he can indulge in the fantasy? Or, if you are both "bottoms" you may have to incorporate "toys" into the relationship.
Transitioning
In my experience, ongoing and significant issues regarding sex can be symptoms of underlying problems with the relationship. While no one likes to hear it, the failure to arrive at a solution might suggest the relationship may not be a healthy one. A hard and honest look at your relationship may reveal it isn't healthy and may need to end. An example of behavior in an unhealthy relationship might include saying things like “Yes I’ll do it” but never intending to follow through. Or constantly trying to persuade your partner to engage in a behavior is also manipulation and not a healthy sign. If you are both stuck in this area and don't see a solution, seeking outside professional help may be the best and possibly the last option for you.
Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.
That first article was an introduction into the basics of negotiating sex in your relationship. If you have shared your likes and dislikes and are still having problems, the next step requires a bit of hard work and honest discussions with your partner and also with yourself.
Prioritizing
Some relationships are not focused on sex because they are rich in other ways, such as shared values or emotional connections. Consider the importance of your sexual request. Are you willing to live without it? In looking at the whole picture you might have to agree not to engage in the behavior. This is often the case in 'kinkier' types of sexual behavior. If you absolutely are unwilling to live without the type of sexual behavior, consider the next two ideas.
Substituting
If your need or desire is important enough that you choose to not live without it, you and your partner need to negotiate an alternative way to get your sexual needs met. This can be difficult and elicit significant fear, jealousy and raise other issues. It may or may not require changes in the type of your relationship. For example, if your partner loves BDSM and you don't, would you be comfortable if your partner visited these kinds of websites in order for him to chat with others so he can indulge in the fantasy? Or, if you are both "bottoms" you may have to incorporate "toys" into the relationship.
Transitioning
In my experience, ongoing and significant issues regarding sex can be symptoms of underlying problems with the relationship. While no one likes to hear it, the failure to arrive at a solution might suggest the relationship may not be a healthy one. A hard and honest look at your relationship may reveal it isn't healthy and may need to end. An example of behavior in an unhealthy relationship might include saying things like “Yes I’ll do it” but never intending to follow through. Or constantly trying to persuade your partner to engage in a behavior is also manipulation and not a healthy sign. If you are both stuck in this area and don't see a solution, seeking outside professional help may be the best and possibly the last option for you.
Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.
Negotiating Sex with your partner part 1
"My partner wants me to talk dirty to him, be rough and call him names. I have a real hard time with any of that even though he's asked me to on more than one occasion."
One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof.
The main goal in any couples counseling relationship is open and honest communication about what you want, what makes you happy, and what you don’t want. A key component of sexual health is a similarity between your values and your behaviors. It's your responsibility to communicate these values with your partner(s). The decision about the degree to which any behavior is consistent with your values ultimately rests with you.
As you think about sex with your partner, there are four general subjects that are important to address.
1) Tell him – Have you communicated what you like and don’t like with your partner? Too many times I’ve run into couples saying to one another “I didn’t know that.” For any number of reasons (shame, self-esteem, fear of being judged, not wanting to upset their partner), clients won’t talk about their likes and dislikes. Now is not the time to be bashful.
2) Ask him – Once you know what you like, do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? It's important not only to know what but why he or she has these interests. For example, I worked with a couple where one guy wouldn’t bottom because it physically hurt. It turned out the pain was due to anal warts, and once those were addressed, the problem went away.
3) Learn – Don't be shy if you don't know how to do something. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you need to learn some basics regarding foreplay, stretching the sphincter muscle, proper clean up and so on.
4) Get help – If after going through the first 3 steps you find you are still having problems, you may want to seek some outside help. This doesn't necessarily mean therapy or counseling, although professional help is a very good option for more challenging problems. Try having a frank, "out of the box" conversation in which you look at creative outlets and avenues to get your sexual needs met. These could include talking to your spiritual adviser, attending a body electric or similar sexuality workshop, or reading "The Joy of Gay Sex." Each of these interventions might be helpful in breaking the log jam in your relationship.
One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof.
The main goal in any couples counseling relationship is open and honest communication about what you want, what makes you happy, and what you don’t want. A key component of sexual health is a similarity between your values and your behaviors. It's your responsibility to communicate these values with your partner(s). The decision about the degree to which any behavior is consistent with your values ultimately rests with you.
As you think about sex with your partner, there are four general subjects that are important to address.
1) Tell him – Have you communicated what you like and don’t like with your partner? Too many times I’ve run into couples saying to one another “I didn’t know that.” For any number of reasons (shame, self-esteem, fear of being judged, not wanting to upset their partner), clients won’t talk about their likes and dislikes. Now is not the time to be bashful.
2) Ask him – Once you know what you like, do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? It's important not only to know what but why he or she has these interests. For example, I worked with a couple where one guy wouldn’t bottom because it physically hurt. It turned out the pain was due to anal warts, and once those were addressed, the problem went away.
3) Learn – Don't be shy if you don't know how to do something. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you need to learn some basics regarding foreplay, stretching the sphincter muscle, proper clean up and so on.
4) Get help – If after going through the first 3 steps you find you are still having problems, you may want to seek some outside help. This doesn't necessarily mean therapy or counseling, although professional help is a very good option for more challenging problems. Try having a frank, "out of the box" conversation in which you look at creative outlets and avenues to get your sexual needs met. These could include talking to your spiritual adviser, attending a body electric or similar sexuality workshop, or reading "The Joy of Gay Sex." Each of these interventions might be helpful in breaking the log jam in your relationship.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Relationship Satisfaction
Answer the following questions.
1. Talking about sex with my sexual partner(s) is a satisfying experience.
2. Overall, I feel satisfied about my current sexual relationship(s).
3. I have difficulty finding a sexual partner.
4. I feel my sexual partner(s) avoids talking about sexuality with me.
5. When I have sex with my sexual partner, I feel emotionally close to him or her.
6. Overall, I feel close with my sexual partner(s).
7. I have difficulty keeping a sexual partner.
8. I feel I can express what I like and don’t like sexually.
9. I feel my sexual partner(s) is sensitive to my needs and desires.
10. Some sexual matters are too upsetting to discuss with my partner(s).
Yes responses for questions 3 4, 7 and 10 require long-term follow-up
No responses for 1, 2, 5, 6, 8, 9 require long-term follow-up
Much of the current culture places a sense of happiness within a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Regardless of sexual orientation, long-term personal happiness, health and wellness are correlated with healthy relationships. In fact, you get breaks on your insurance plans if you’re in a committed relationship suggesting that even wealth is correlated with relationship status. Whether you agree or not, our current culture also emphasizes that sexual behavior should occur within a monogamous relationship. In the realm of sexual health, relationship issues are a major factor, both as a target and/or goal of an individual as well as a factor for unhappiness. Too often the same people complaining that they are single are next complaining that they aren’t happy in the relationship.
Addressing relationship satisfaction is a major component of sexual health. Beyond the simple topic of satisfaction, the question of disclosure of sexual compulsivity is a topic reserved for stage 3. In this topic you are encouraged to focus on your level of satisfaction in your current relationship. In scoring the questions, pay attention to the responses that require long-term follow-up. Why did you answer the question the way you did? What are your plans to address these issues raised?
In addition to the above questions, clarify what type of relationship you would like. The typical expectation is that only monogamous relationships are healthy. How much do you agree with this expectation? In fact, there are a multitude of types of relationships. The key to the approach taken in this book is that you be honest, open and responsible for the type of relationship you want. This is where full disclosure is important as well. Are you being honest about what you're looking for and what you are doing?
If you choose an open relationship which is typically defined as a relationship where there exists a primary sexual and emotional partner followed by secondary partners it is important for you and your primary partner to clarify ground rules and expectations. When, where, who, how often, are all some of the questions to be addressed. What are the plans for communicating and coping with fear, jealousy, and insecurity? What are the safer sex rules? One caution is that all partners be open and honest in the conversation. Do not agree to an open relationship if it isn’t consistent with your values. It might be better to end a relationship than agree to a type of relationship that is inconsistent with your values. In the same way, if you want an open relationship clarify what needs aren’t getting met within your primary relationship. It is encouraged that significant reflection occur with your support network to clarify the reasons you want an open relationship. In particular, be careful that you’re simply not trying to get out of the first relationship. If the primary relationship is not healthy, it is important in my opinion to address the issues first. If it should end, do this with integrity versus causing a rift that ends the relationship.
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