Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

While working with Harry Faddis (see the 3-minute game post), he added an optional version to the 3 minute game. 

The game can be adapted (or extended) any number of ways.  For example, substitute the following phrases, or make one of your own.

Alternative version #1

Round 1: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

“What would you like to say to me?

The second person then says whatever he/she wants to say to the first person for 3 minutes starting with “I would like to say _______ (fill in the blank).”

Round 2: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

            What I would like you to say to me is ________ (fill in the blank).

The second person describes what he/she would like the first person to say. The person responding to the question can ask for anything to the person asking the question. Examples, “I want you to tell me how beautiful I am.” “I want you to tell me how ‘hot’ (or sexy, or whatever) I am.”  “I want you to tell me how much you love me.”  The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something that you want the other person to say to you. The person says these things for 3 minutes starting with “I want to say to you _______ (fill in the blank with the requested statement).

4 Deadly Horseman in relationships

Dr. John Gottman is a researcher on couples therapy. He is well known and respected for his work at pinpointing factors that contribute to long-term relationships as well as behaviors that facilitate the demise of relationships. One of his metaphors that he identified was the 4 deadly horsemen in relationships; those behaviors that that bring about an end of a relationship (playing on the theme of the 4 deadly horseman of the Apocalypse, the end of the world.)

Criticism
Criticism is focusing or otherwise only seeing the negative components of a partner. We all understand the basic negative impact of negative criticism. The non-verbal forms of negative criticism are sometimes as equally difficult to address. Ever get that “look” from your partner? Assertive communication is the path out of criticism. The difference appears small, but the implication is significant.

Defensiveness
Defensiveness focuses everything on your partner’s mistakes. The defensiveness creates a barrier to admitting your own part of the conflict or struggle. This approach reflects the saying, “The best defense is a strong offense.” By avoiding your role in conflict, you project onto the partner all of the problems. Owning your behaviors, and taking responsibility for your part of the conversation is one helpful strategy.

Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to the avoidance of the partner, or passive-aggressive behaviors. In Minnesota, we call this “Minnesota Nice” where your words don’t match your attitudes/behaviors. Assertiveness is again a strategy to help you here. So too integrity is helpful, “saying what you mean and meaning what you say.” Uncovering or otherwise revealing your hidden/secret thoughts and feelings is necessary.

Contempt
Contempt is the judgment that occurs in a relationship. Much of Gottman’s research has focused on the subtleties of how contempt shows up. It usually serves to demean the individual. Finding healthy ways to address the underlying issues is important. Taking responsibility for your thoughts/feelings, as well as developing assertive ways to communicate them is necessary. Being mindful of your judgment is necessary.

If you notice any of the behaviors in your relationship, seek help. Often one of these sets of behaviors is linked with others leading to a flood of issues to be addressed. As the saying goes, the 4 deadly horsemen don’t travel alone.

The language of relationships, 2.0

Adapted from: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Sexual Health
Weston Edwards, PhD, LP

Much of couples therapy focuses on communication skills. Using the helpful metaphor of language, “undoing the assumption that we all speak the same language” is often the first place of intervention. Consider the following examples. English is the predominant language in the United States, and the assumption is that we all speak English. Yet, even within the United States, different words are used to describe the same concept. For example, New Yorkers enjoying a cola drink might be drinking soda, but Midwesterners enjoying the same drink would be drinking pop. The same holds true in other English speaking countries, like England. Americans on a road trip store their luggage in the trunk of their car, but the English store it in the boot. And when the Americans arrive at their destination, they might take the elevator up to their desired floor, but the Australians might take the lift. Likewise, there are significant differences between Spanish in Latin America and Spanish in Spain. Even Arabic has multiple dialects, and these differences are barriers to communication. So even though people may speak one common language, it is crucial to be aware of differences present in that one common language. Here, we refer to those differences as “dialects.” It is important to learn how to understand and translate those dialects.

Similarly, in relationships, it is important to remember that we all have different dialects of communication. These dialects are informed and shaped by the multiple cultures we belong to (age, race/ethnicity, religion, gender, etc.), our family of origin, and our life history. Often, there is enough commonality to be able to communicate with a partner. Most relationship problems stem from communication problems that show up in the guise of unmet expectations and assumptions, hidden wants and needs, past hurts and pains, and hoped for joys and goals.

A classic example is fighting. In some families, conflict is forbidden. A partner learns that anger cannot be expressed. Another partner may come from a family where conflict is resolved quickly and respectfully. When two partners come together, the dialect of conflict is an obstacle to be resolved. The resolution is often as simple as teaching each other their respective dialects. The same idea can be applied to mundane things, like the level of cleanliness in the house, or difficult areas, such as sexual expression, needs and values.

The difficulty in this process is that much of our dialect regarding relationships is automatic and habitual. We assume everyone has the same language, mannerisms, assumptions, and expectations in a relationship. That assumption is often the source of the relationship problems. Teaching each other your individual dialects, and learning to translate your partner’s dialect is a necessary skill for building powerful and strong relationships.

Consider the following questions, first for yourself and then your partner. The key is to focus on your language beyond verbal words. What are the non-verbal’s that you use?


• How do you express anger?
• How do you know if your partner is angry?
• How do you express happiness?
• How do you express that you are horny?
• How do you express sadness?
• Identify 5-6 pet-peeves in your relationship. What do they mean to you?
• What are additional feelings, or issues important to you? Why?

• How does your partner express anger?
• How does your partner know if you are angry?
• How does your partner express happiness?
• How does your partner express that he/she is horny?
• How does your partner express sadness?
• Identify 5-6 pet-peeves your partner has in the relationship. What does it mean to him/her?
• What are additional feelings, or issues important to your partner? Why?
Assignment:
1) Review your responses to the lists above.
2) How do you react (healthy or unhealthy) when you see your partner communicating on these levels?
3) What is a positive response I can do to clarify the non-verbal communication?

For example.
A subtle sign that my partner is angry is her jaw locks up. Her tone of voice is “fine” and her body language is “fine,” but I can see a difference in her face/jaw. As a result, I get defensive, thinking I did something wrong. One of my non-verbal behaviors is to leave the room and go watch TV creating distances. This starts the dance of a conflict that culminates in a verbal argument. What can I do differently?

The language of relationships

Much of couples therapy focuses on communication skills. A metaphor I use in working in couples therapy is based on language. Undoing the assumption that we all speak the same language is often the first place of intervention. Consider the following examples. English is the predominant language in the United States. “We all speak English” is the assumption. Yet, within the United States, words are used differently and take on special meaning as a result. Travel across the world, and different English speaking countries have different words for the same concept. For example, in the US, we use the word trunk for where we put luggage in a car on a car-trip, while in England they use the word boot. England uses the term lift to talk about elevators. Another example is the significant difference between Latin America Spanish and Castilian Spanish in Spain. Even Arabic has multiple dialects. While there are major commonalities between the dialects, important differences remain that are barriers to communication. Learning to understand and translate these differences can be helpful but difficult.

Applying the metaphor to relationships, it is important to remember that we all have different dialects of communication in relationships. These dialects are informed and shaped by the multiple cultures we belong to (age, race/ethnicity, religion, gender, etc), our family of origin, and our life history. Often there is enough commonality to be able to communicate with a partner. In my work, the majority of relationship problems are about communication problems that show up in the guise of unmet expectations and assumptions, hidden wants and needs, past hurts and pains, and hoped for joys and goals.

A classic example is around fighting. In some families, conflict is forbidden. A partner learns that anger cannot be expressed. Another partner may come from a family where conflict is resolved quickly and respectfully. When two partners come together, the dialect of conflict is an obstacle to be resolved. The resolution is often as simple as teaching each other the respective dialects. We can apply the metaphor to smaller things. The dialect around the level of cleanliness in the house comes to mind. The application of the dialect can be applied to very difficult areas, such as sexual expression, needs and values.

The difficulty in this process is much of our dialect regarding relationships is automatic and habitual. We assume everyone has the same language, mannerisms, assumptions, and expectations in a relationship that is often the source of the relationships problems. Teaching each other your individual dialects, and learning to translate your partner’s dialect is a necessary skill toward powerful and strong relationships.

Assertive Communication

In the process of moving toward sexual health, it is important to develop assertiveness communication skills. Not only is this relevant to expressing thoughts and feelings but it is relevant to sexual expression. It is important to communicate with your partners what you like and need sexually. At first, this style of communication may feel artificial. It should be seen as a template and helpful tool. It is not the only way to communicate, but it is a start. There are many formulas that can be helpful in learning assertive communication. The formula I like has three parts. “I feel __________Because __________I need ___________.”

I’ve expanded this to include

I think/I feel ______(state your thought or feeling) ____

Because _______(explain what triggered the thought or feeling)______

I need/want/would like _____( express the request) ________

I expanded the formula because it allows for robust application. For example, I will often ask people what they are present to. This is my way of asking “what’s going on inside.” It may be a thought, a feeling, a memory, or trigger, connected to the current moment. The “because” is a simple explanation of the moment. It should be “short” and “sweet” and explicitly connected to the moment. Finally, it is important to explain the request. The key is to be clear, specific and measurable. Note that the expansion reflects the distinctions between “needs,” “wants” and “likes.” Too often we confuse the level of importance by our language. Someone might say, I “need” a cell phone, but the reality a need is a basic requirement. I need food, or I need to be treated with respect or I need you to stop touching me etc. To be accurate, the term that should be used is “I want” or “I would like” a cell phone.

Some pitfalls to avoid is the passive approach toward communication. A classic example is “Would you like to . . .” which is often used in place of “I would like. . .” Other dangerous forms to be avoided are “We” statements. Use “I” statements instead. Also, on the other end “You” statements are often more aggressive. “You should . . .” is better replaced “I want” or “I need.”

In applying this to concept to sexual health, being able to assertively express your requests is a significant component of sexual health. Also, setting boundaries and limits become a major related issue as well. In expressing feelings, sexual desires, assertiveness is a major skill. This is only a brief introduction to the concept. If it relevant, please follow-up with your therapist.

Examine your sexual history. How has the lack of assertiveness related to your behaviors? What is the role of thoughts in your ability to be assertive? Often, shame for example, is a belief that I’m not worth anything. If I’m not worth anything, I might be hesitant to ask for what I want and/or need. I may also fail to set limits when someone asks me to do something that I don’t want to do.

Boundaries

The purpose in this topic is to start helping you clarify what your boundaries are. This topic should be seen as a complement to the topics on sexual expression, sexual competency and assertiveness. The concept of boundaries refers to the limits we choose to have in our life. It is the process of defining what is and isn’t acceptable. Boundaries are defined by you and can vary between individuals.

Typically we talk about boundaries are healthy, rigid or blurred. Healthy boundaries are well defined, clearly communicated (see topic on assertiveness) and respectful to self and others. In clarifying healthy boundaries, we each can set the boundary as an expression of our identity. Healthy boundaries can change, but generally are stable across time and situations. Changes in boundaries will occur in response to the unique situations and/or circumstances. The environment, people, our development, and the circumstances can lead to healthy expansion or restriction of a boundary. For example, if I’m tired and lonely, a boundary may be that I won’t have sex. For the sake of the example, once I’m in a relationship, given the same circumstances I may choose to have sex with my partner because of the adult play aspect. While boundaries can change, and flexible, rapid changes in your boundaries and limits is a warning sign.

Two type of unhealthy Boundaries are blurred and rigid boundaries. They represent the opposite extremes on a continuum (with healthy boundaries in the middle). Blurred boundaries are too flexible and too changeable. With blurred boundaries, we tend to let the outside environment or other individuals dictate our beliefs, values and limits. In this situation, we may feel used, violated, exposed, and hurt. Our identity is lost. The other extreme are rigid boundaries. In the introduction to the workbook, I talked about the emphasis on rigorousness. When taken too far, rigorousness can lead to rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries often appear to be extreme stances as well. In substance abuse treatment, we talk about an all or nothing way of thinking or a take no prisoners mentality. These are two examples of rigid boundaries. The consequences of the rigid boundaries is often isolation, loneliness and judgementalism.

Boundaries can be applied to a number of settings. This brief review is provided to help you think about what your boundaries are.

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to the space around us. When I worked with children, I talked about the “bubble space” around us which intuitively helps us understand how close I can get to another person. And the concept of a bubble space affirms healthy understanding of the fact that boundaries are flexible. Depending on the circumstances, the size of the bubble space can change. For example, as the number of people in a room increases, we are more comfortable if some sits in the chair next to us as compared to when there are only two people in a room. Depending on the person, the bubble space changes. With friends and family members, our bubble space is smaller versus the amount of space with a stranger.

Emotional and intellectual boundaries

These two types of boundaries essentially reflect your right to your feelings and thoughts. As individuals, we have the right to feel and believe based on values, spirituality, education or any cultural affiliation. More so than physical boundaries, it is our emotional and intellectual boundaries that define our personality and identity. It is these boundaries that form a major basis of sexual health. They key is to examine how your boundaries will shape your sexual behaviors.

Boundary Violations

A boundary violation occurs when someone crosses the boundaries. The reasons for boundary violations are varied. It may be deliberately or accidentally. It may be done to hurt you or help you. Never ending criticism is a major violation. Reading people’s mail or email is another example. Someone telling us what we should feel or think is yet another. The importance of assertive communication helps set and maintain boundaries.

One of the things to highlight are symptoms of unhealthy boundaries as boundaries relate to sexual health. These are but examples, but highlight the impact of unhealthy boundaries.

SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

· When you don’t want sexual contact, but go along with it anyway so the person will like you.

· Saying you want to go on a date but going over to a person’s house.

· Telling someone you like to so a behavior but don’t.

· Saying you want to get together with someone but don’t’

· Using drugs in a sexual setting when you don’t want to.

· Not expressing your sexual desires or preferences with a partner and simply going along with what they want.

· Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to you

· Acting on first sexual impulse when you say you’ll wait for knowing the person first.

· Using sex to express anger or loneliness; being sexual for your partner, not yourself

· Going against personal values or rights to please others

· Not noticing when someone else shows poor boundaries

· Touching a person without asking

· Letting others tell you what you should or should do

· Letting others tell you what is and isn’t healthy sexual behavior.

· Expecting others to automatically know what you want

· Having unsafe sex when you say you wont