Interpreting a Fantasy

I believe fantasies are amazingly powerful in helping an individual uncover/reveal parts of his/her deepest core. Jack Morin, in Erotic Mind highlights much of the academic material that is the source for this assignment. The following is a helpful tool in examining the core of a person’s fantasy(ies). By the way, some individuals suggest they don’t fantasize. If the word "fantasy" gets in the way, I will talk about daydreams, or hopes, or wants, or desires. (If you find the comparison helpful, fantasy analysis might be compared to dream analysis.)

The first step is to have a “solid” fantasy to work with. This occurs when an individual writes his/her fantasy. I ask clients to write the fantasy as if a reader could enact the fantasy based simply on what is written. For some people this might be the equivalent to a screenplay or script. I’m not expecting material that is “word for word,” but enough detail to have a pretty good sense of the actions/motivations of the individuals. The content of the fantasy can be anything, including relationship, dating, wants, joys, fears, the search, hunt, etc. I do encourage the individual to include sexual contact as well.

Second, I remind the individual this is a process of inquiry. The client is the one who makes the determination if something “fits.” I (or a group) may provide suggestions, but ultimately the client says, “This fits the bets.” There isn’t a right answer, simply today’s better answer. Future reflection might nuance what is uncovered. Within inquiry, it is important to brainstorm different thoughts about the underlying motivations. In another blog post, I ask, “Why does a person stop at a stop sign?” As I asked in the blog, “And why else, and why else, etc.” There are many reasons a person stops at a stop sign. So too there are many influences in the fantasy.

Third, remember that many conflicting answers can be applicable at the same time. This reflects the tension within the individual. The concept of layers within the individual is important.

Fourth, when possible, look for an expression of the primary thinking error. Often in the fantasy, the primary thinking error looses its power or is somehow addressed/resolved. You may also get a sense of the primary values. In philosophy, we talk about positive and negative arguments. The absence of something can affirm the presence of the same thing.

Fifth, I use a process that is helpful to me. Feel free to adapt. In my process, I have the client read through the entire fantasy without interruption. The goal for me is to understand the fantasy in context, length, and direction. Then, I have the client reread the fantasy. In the second time through, I will stop at places (usually a clause, or each sentence) and complete a literary analysis on that small piece. With some clients, I will revisit the fantasy 1-week, or 1-month later.

Sixth, use open-ended questions for each section. After you ask each question, engage in basic reflection of content/feeling, and ask, “What else?” Here are some basic questions that I start with. Feel free to adapt/add.

1) Tell me about the motivation that is going on in that moment.
2) Describe anything from your history reflected in that moment?
a. Describe how you felt or what you thought?
b. How is this important to you today?
3) What would happen if it were to come true?
4) Describe your fears if this was to happen?
5) Describe your hopes if this this was to happen?
6) How would you feel if this was to happen?
7) What would you think if this was to happen?

The academic material:

Projection, Transference and Sexuality

The inside functions like a projector;
Others become screens
And you start seeing films on others
Which are really your own tapes.
OSHO


Over the past few weeks, a book I’ve been reading has been a source of reflection for a series of quick blog entries on sexual health. This blog continues this process.

I experience being a target of significant emotional reaction from folks, --either aversion or awe—when they discovery my area of work in sexual health. I’ve been in the field long enough to know it’s not about me, but rather a reflection of the inner workings of the individual (And usually I don’t take it personal, but heck, I’m human.). I’m amazed at how frequently an individual’s reaction reflects their reaction to sexuality. Those who have a strong negative reaction are often projecting the negative feelings of sexuality. The same is true for positive reactions.

In my work, I place a strong emphasis on increasing awareness of your reactions. Anyone who evokes a strong reaction is your teacher. Your reaction is yours. Figure it out. In the realm of fantasy, the entire fantasy is a projection of your inner being. Learn from it. In your dreams, you discover how you want to live in the moment. Start now!




OSHO (1999) Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear. OSHO International: New York.

The Kindle version is no longer free (updated 11/16). You can download a version to read kindle books on your computer desktop for free.

Fantasy and Sexual Health

1. R. If I fantasize about sex, I will become obsessed about sexual thoughts.

2. R. It is difficult for me to share my sexual fantasies with a sexual partner(s).

3. Sharing a sexual fantasy with a sexual partner(s) enriches my sex life.

4. Sexual fantasy helps me learn about what I like and don’t like sexually.

5. Sharing a sexual fantasy is a good way to get to know what a sexual partner likes.

6. I enjoy fantasizing about sex.

7. R. I feel guilty when I fantasize about sex.

8. I enjoy hearing about my sexual partner’s sexual fantasies.

9. Sexual fantasy helps me express my sexual desires.

10. Sexual fantasy is safe outlet for behavior I choose not to act upon.

Score 1 point for each yes response for questions 3-6, 9-10
Score 1 point for each no response for questions 1,2 and 8
The higher your score, the more comfortable you are with sexual fantasies

Sexualizations and Sexual Fantasies.

The idea of sexual fantasies is a topic that also has many negative societal biases and messages that need to be addressed. To begin with, I make a distinction between a sexualization and a sexual fantasy by using a “3-second rule.” This rule is simply based on clinical experience and not necessarily based on any hard and fast research. Nor does it have to be 3-seconds: it could be 2 or 4 seconds as well. As a clinician, I hold that sexualizations are normal, happen outside our realm of control and are part of the sexual drive. In this approach, sexualizations simply happen. They just are. A sexualization is recognition that someone is attractive to you. Often sexualizations can occur outside of one’s primary sexual partner template. A “straight” man can recognize a handsome guy just as a gay man can recognize a beautiful woman. In these situations, there is simply a recognition of the sexuality and sensuality of another person.

What moves a sexualization to the level of a sexual fantasy is the ongoing thought and/or fixation on a particular person, thought or object. That was how the three second rule was created; it was in response to clients asking for a ruler on when that process switches from a sexualizaiton to a fantasy. Throughout the day, many sexualizations occur. It is how a person responds to the sexualization that raises the issue to be addressed.

Fantasies are normal.

Generally speaking, the reality is that fantasies are simply normal aspects of our sexuality. Everybody has fantasies and daydreams. In and of themselves, fantasies are neutral. To be clear, the key concept in this section is that fantasies are normal and healthy. At the same time, it is important to highlight that some fantasies are risky or unhealthy. The content, frequency, intensity and focus of the fantasy may raise some issues to be addressed. This may require you to address your thoughts about fantasies and to examine the content of the fantasies.

Fantasies can be helpful in understanding ourselves and our sexuality. Through examining our fantasies, we can get a sense of what we find arousing. We can understand our needs and share with our partner and support network. Sometimes we can channel our energy into sexual fantasies to allow a healthy release. Sharing our fantasies is difficult for some people, yet the process of sharing these fantasies can create positive intimacy with the other person. And we can experience fantasies about things we would never choose to act upon.

Misperceptions of fantasies.

In moving toward sexual health, it is important to highlight and clarify misperceptions that exist about fantasies. Having fantasies does not mean you are over-sexed even if you fantasize about sex or think about sex often. Sexual fantasies are thoughts and feelings about sexual behaviors and ideas that we find sexually arousing. Sexual fantasies may represent what turns us on. Sexual fantasies are also a form of self-stimulation. Simply having a fantasy does not mean we have to act on that fantasy. Having a fantasy does not mean that we will automatically follow through with the behavior in the fantasy. Fantasies exist only in thoughts and the subsequent feelings; they are not themselves real. That also means that when we have a fantasy of a negative traumatic event, the fantasy is also real.

Application of the primary thinking error and fantasies.

Morin identified the concept of “core erotic thought” which he used to highlight how our thoughts also shape our sexual fantasies. And by examining our most powerful fantasies, we can gain insight into how we see our basic self. In his work, Erotic Mind, he highlighted how fantasies changed in light of the therapeutic process. Specifically, he highlighted how negative and damaging fantasies slowly decreased as the clients addressed the underlying issues. As they moved toward health, Morin argues that the fantasies changed. The application for this section is to emphasize the importance of not only acknowledging the fantasies, but to study them for insights into your underlying patterns of thinking.

Unhealthy Fantasies.

Occasionally, thoughts of inappropriate or unhealthy sexual behaviors may occur as themes in your fantasies. This is important issue for individuals with a pattern of sexually offending behavior. It is also true for individuals in chemical dependency recovery when the fantasies including drug use and sexual behavior mixed together. To a degree, this is simply normal. How you respond to the unhealthy fantasies when you notice they are occurring is the key step toward sexual health. To the degree that you can, it is important that you stop the fantasy or actively encouraging it. This can be done by changing your environment, talking with your network, etc. It is important that you do not masturbate to these fantasies because you might make them stronger or more frequent. An escalation of unhealthy behaviors may occur if you do not interrupt the fantasy cycle. If you recognize the unhealthy fantasies are increasing either in frequency, intensity or content, it might be a warning sign or high risk behavior. Letting your support system know that you are having unhealthy or risky fantasies can be a part of your prevention plan.

If sexual fantasies are used to avoid and/or escape from reality or are the only form of sexual expression, then I would also express concern. Also, some clients have used fantasies as a form of escape from unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Finally, for some people, particular fantasies can start the acting out cycle. Taken together, these types of fantasies should be avoided. They key is for you to figure out which fantasies are healthy and unhealthy.

Creating Healthy Fantasies

We can use sexual fantasies to move toward sexual health. This can be through harm reduction techniques, as well as positive sexuality. In our fantasies, we can create and clarify our values toward sexuality and toward others. One assignment I provide was listed in the sexual history. Identify three favorite fantasies. I’d encourage you to write these out and be as detailed and specific as possible. As you review the responses to those questions, consider the following questions:

What is the content of the fantasy? Explain the 5 Ws: who, what, when, why, when. As you answer these questions, think about how the content fits in with your components of sexual health. What, if any, risk factors or forms of acting out are present? If they are present, how do you change and/or slowly move the plot line of the fantasy toward something that is healthy for you. In this sense, you can shape the outcome of the fantasy. If this fantasy was to occur, what would you think and feel as a result?

Masturbation and Sexual health

Answer the following questions.

1. I enjoy masturbating.

2. Masturbation is a good way to affirm my sexuality.

3. Masturbation is a good way to help me feel better about myself.

4. R. I believe masturbation is sinful.

5. Masturbation is a healthy way to have sex when I’m horny.

6. Masturbation is a good way to get to know what a sexual partner likes.

7. Masturbation with my sexual partner(s) is a healthy expression of being close to one another.

8. Masturbation is very safe sex.

9. Masturbation is a healthy way to learn about my sexual desires.

10. Masturbation is a positive source of comfort and pleasure.

11. Masturbation is a form of healthy sexual expression.

12. Masturbation can be helpful in overcoming sexual dysfunction.

13. I masturbate to explore my body.

14. R. I masturbate too much.

15. R. I feel guilty when I masturbate.

16. Masturbation is a good way to reduce stress.

17. Masturbation is a good form of birth control.

Score 1 point for each yes response for questions 1-3, 5-13, 16-17

Score 1 point for each no response for questions 4, 14, 15

The higher your score, the more comfortable you are with masturbation

The American Culture has a significant amount of negative beliefs against masturbation. An introductory article that has the basics about the history of masturbation can be found at Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation). It is not my goal to review this history given it’s availability else. They focus of this post is to examine the role of masturbation in your sexual life. It is also important to help you examine your thoughts and historical messages you have about masturbation and examine how these thoughts help or hinder your sexual health.

The questions above are a good place to start in assessing your views toward masturbation. Review each question again. When you read the question, pay attention to your reaction for each question. For example, when I think about enjoying masturbation, how do I feel (e.g, shame, embarrassed, happy)? What thoughts do I have regarding masturbation (e.g., sin, nothing, angry?)?

Next, review your sex history. The first section of the sex history asked questions about masturbation. As you examine the responses, pay attention to what your historical and current thoughts and feelings have been regarding the experiences of masturbation. How have these thoughts and feelings contributed to acting out? For some people, masturbation is a form of harm reduction reducing the risk of acting out.

Finally, think about the role of masturbation in your definition of sexual health. How might you integrate masturbation as a form of healthy sexual expression? What thoughts and feelings about masturbation must you address to reduce the risk of future acting out? Under what circumstances might masturbatory behaviors might be unhealthy for you? Under what circumstances might masturbatory behaviors might be healthy for you?