In the last few days, another scandal broke regarding homosexuality and the Christian right. In short, George Rekers, a Baptist minister who provided testimony against gays, served on the Board of NARTH (National Association of Rehabilitation and Treatment of Homosexuality), and on the board of a predecessor to Focus on the Family was seen with a sex worker who advertised on RENTBOY.COM. The unfolding discussion can easily be Googled on the net.
The focus of my blog is on three parts.
First I feel anger and frustration at the ongoing hypocrisy of members in the Christian Right. A long laundry list is found here. Sadly, the frustration is often expressed through the comment “here’s another one.”
Second, I do have compassion for Dr. Rekers. Here is a man who has denied a major part of his identity for all of his life, only to have the issue exposed in a scandal. Dr. Rekers' behavior can easily be understood as a form of psychological defense: reaction formation --attack the parts of my life that I hate. His stance against homosexuality over his lifetime takes on a new understanding in light of the scandal. It is easy to see how his avoidance grows over time.
Third, I want to use Dr. Rekers’ experience to highlight the need for personal sexual health in the treatment of sexual compulsivity. (While I don't label Dr. Reker's behavior as sexually compulsivity, I do want to acknowledge how this defense is sometimes present in individuals who do struggle with sexual compulsivity.) A component of sexual health is to be able to talk about all aspects of your sexuality. The conversation doesn’t need to occur in the national press, but I stress the importance of talking about sexuality with your support network. Needless to say, sexual health implies the congruence between your identity and behavior. Please review the recent conversations on integrity. In promoting sexual health, my hope is that you can find that congruence. If it isn’t there, please seek help and support.
Citation:
I found the euphemism on Andrew Sullivan’s Blog “The Daily Dish.”
Showing posts with label treatment for sexual addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label treatment for sexual addiction. Show all posts
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A sex-positive approach to healing sexual compulsivity
I work with many individuals whose view of sexuality is amazingly negative. For any number of reasons ranging from abuse, “-isms,” fear, trauma, cultural and/or religious messages, many of my clients have a very negative view of sexuality in general and their sexuality in particular. Many individuals tell their personal story about how they need chemicals to shut of these negative messages. Others use chemicals to medicate their shame. Due to the “bad” aspect of sex, clients aren’t able to link intimacy and sexual behavior. In other words, why would I share sex with someone I love?
The approach I take in treating sexual health/sexual compulsivity is sex positive. A review of the literature leads to a smattering of definitions. Here are a number of characteristics I consider sex positive.
1) Sexuality is an essential and vital part of your life, and needs to be integrated with your personhood.
2) Sexuality is a life-enhancing part of your life, creating energy, happiness, and celebration. Even if a sexual encounter isn’t great sex, it can still enhance your life.
3) Sexuality is integrated into your primary relationships. This doesn’t mean you engage in sexual behavior with everyone, but each is supported in all aspects of sexuality (i.e., support, talking about sex, relationships, needs, intimacy, etc).
4) Sexuality and sexual expression is remarkably individual. What is healthy for a person depends on the individual. A one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work.
5) The negative experiences and messages about sexuality have been addressed and resolved as appropriate.
The approach I take in treating sexual health/sexual compulsivity is sex positive. A review of the literature leads to a smattering of definitions. Here are a number of characteristics I consider sex positive.
1) Sexuality is an essential and vital part of your life, and needs to be integrated with your personhood.
2) Sexuality is a life-enhancing part of your life, creating energy, happiness, and celebration. Even if a sexual encounter isn’t great sex, it can still enhance your life.
3) Sexuality is integrated into your primary relationships. This doesn’t mean you engage in sexual behavior with everyone, but each is supported in all aspects of sexuality (i.e., support, talking about sex, relationships, needs, intimacy, etc).
4) Sexuality and sexual expression is remarkably individual. What is healthy for a person depends on the individual. A one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work.
5) The negative experiences and messages about sexuality have been addressed and resolved as appropriate.
Monday, April 5, 2010
What does a relapse in sexual addiction mean?
In the field of sexual compulsivity treatment, addressing the reality of a relapse is important. It is highy probably that you will experience some type of relapse around your high-risk situations, feeling triggers or thinking errors: you will move into a realm of acting out behaviors somewhere in your process. Why? Most likely because you’re HUMAN! Being human acknowledges that perfection is not possible. Here are a few suggestions to help you address a sexual health relapse.
1) In the process of moving toward sexual health, to assume that you will never make a mistake sets you up for the cycle of shame and guilt that is probably a big part of your cycle at this point. Now, this doesn’t mean being human is permission to relapse (nice thinking error), but it does provide a starting point toward self-forgiveness.
2) It is remarkably easy to relapse. Depending on the circumstances, the ease by which a relapse occurs is shockingly easy. If sexually explicit material is a form of relapse, simply walking in a mall could lead to a relapse (Seriously, have you seen the display windows!). Recognizing the ease by which triggers occur helps frame a plan for ongoing sexual health.
3) Relapse can help you learn. By examining the relapse, you can uncover new factors associated with your acting out cycle as well as set up plans to address these factors. In many cases, the relapse can help prioritize treatment issues.
4) The degree of relapse is a sign of progress. Often what happens is that the intensity of acting out decreases. Rather than hooking up with someone via a website, the behavior this time might be limited to viewing sexually explicit material. While still something to be addressed, this is progress in my book. (For a more formal discussion, search out the term harm-reduction). (As with #1 above, you can’t use this to justifying acting out.)
5) Telling on yourself when a small or large relapse occurs is a reflection of the treatment progress. By using your support network, you demonstrate the ongoing skills to move toward health. The amount of disclosure to your primary network is a measure of your progress. Your ability to learn from the relapse is also a measure of your progress.
1) In the process of moving toward sexual health, to assume that you will never make a mistake sets you up for the cycle of shame and guilt that is probably a big part of your cycle at this point. Now, this doesn’t mean being human is permission to relapse (nice thinking error), but it does provide a starting point toward self-forgiveness.
2) It is remarkably easy to relapse. Depending on the circumstances, the ease by which a relapse occurs is shockingly easy. If sexually explicit material is a form of relapse, simply walking in a mall could lead to a relapse (Seriously, have you seen the display windows!). Recognizing the ease by which triggers occur helps frame a plan for ongoing sexual health.
3) Relapse can help you learn. By examining the relapse, you can uncover new factors associated with your acting out cycle as well as set up plans to address these factors. In many cases, the relapse can help prioritize treatment issues.
4) The degree of relapse is a sign of progress. Often what happens is that the intensity of acting out decreases. Rather than hooking up with someone via a website, the behavior this time might be limited to viewing sexually explicit material. While still something to be addressed, this is progress in my book. (For a more formal discussion, search out the term harm-reduction). (As with #1 above, you can’t use this to justifying acting out.)
5) Telling on yourself when a small or large relapse occurs is a reflection of the treatment progress. By using your support network, you demonstrate the ongoing skills to move toward health. The amount of disclosure to your primary network is a measure of your progress. Your ability to learn from the relapse is also a measure of your progress.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sexual Compulsvity and Internet Sexual Compulsivity
I finished my power point for a presentation tomorrow at the University of Minnesota "Beyond the Boxes" Conference. If you would like a copy of the pdf handout, please contact nsimon@pride-institute.com.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Power of Parallel Process
Picture a railroad track. When you look at one rail, it’s pretty easy to guess where the second rail goes. Even if you see the railroad tracks disappear into the horizon, you have a pretty good guess that if you find one rail of the tracks, you’ll find the other rail of track nearby.
Often, individuals early in the recovery process express fear and anxiety about the way things will end up. In psychology, we talk about parallel process to help people understand what is going to happen. In the realm of sexual compulsivity, I use parallel process to help clients grasp where they are going when they start the therapy process. It provides a tool to understand and shape the direction of therapy.
As an example, someone in chemical dependency recovery understands the process of recovery. A client will experience shame and guilt when they first realize they have a chemical use problem. The shame and guilt leads to isolation and increased problems. Once they start telling the stories of their chemical use, the shame and fear starts to easy and the recovery process gains momentum. Connections are made to individuals with similar struggles. Eventually recovery and a sense of hope are born allowing for a sense of being fully alive to develop.
In the same way, dealing with sexual compulsivity follows a parallel process. In the beginning, feelings of shame and guilt about sexuality lead to isolation. In a similar manner, recovery occurs through sharing your story and reaching out for support. Hope is born in the relationships and connections with others. Following the process of recovery in chemical dependency can give us a direction of recovery in sexual compulsivity.
Many parallels exist; the key is to find something in your life that will help you understand the direction in your recovery process in the area of sexual compulsivity.
Often, individuals early in the recovery process express fear and anxiety about the way things will end up. In psychology, we talk about parallel process to help people understand what is going to happen. In the realm of sexual compulsivity, I use parallel process to help clients grasp where they are going when they start the therapy process. It provides a tool to understand and shape the direction of therapy.
As an example, someone in chemical dependency recovery understands the process of recovery. A client will experience shame and guilt when they first realize they have a chemical use problem. The shame and guilt leads to isolation and increased problems. Once they start telling the stories of their chemical use, the shame and fear starts to easy and the recovery process gains momentum. Connections are made to individuals with similar struggles. Eventually recovery and a sense of hope are born allowing for a sense of being fully alive to develop.
In the same way, dealing with sexual compulsivity follows a parallel process. In the beginning, feelings of shame and guilt about sexuality lead to isolation. In a similar manner, recovery occurs through sharing your story and reaching out for support. Hope is born in the relationships and connections with others. Following the process of recovery in chemical dependency can give us a direction of recovery in sexual compulsivity.
Many parallels exist; the key is to find something in your life that will help you understand the direction in your recovery process in the area of sexual compulsivity.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Levels of Understanding and Knowledge in Recovery
In moving through treatment for sexual compulsivity, it is important to understand a development process in the level of knowledge that occurs for a client. Consider the following five different levels of understanding.
1) Ignorance is not bliss
Clients may say, “I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know how to stop. What’s going on? What’s a feeling?” In this stage, we have to work with clients who struggle with the question of whether or not they have a problem. How many times have we heard “I don’t have a problem with my behavior; others have a problem with my behavior.“ The major task at this point is lack of information, or in some cases denial.
2) Recognition
Clients start to be aware that something unhealthy is occurring. The level of confusion and minimal awareness is a trademark at this point. When others point out a thinking error, or feeling or whatever, the client can recognize the concepts, but may not have been able to figure it out on their own. With help, the client is able to grasp what others are talking about. The major task at this point is learning and teaching.
3) Recall
Here the client is able to accurately talk about the information, and even proactively offer insights about his/her behavior. Awareness such as “I was feeling sad, mad, and/or glad.” Or, “I was stuck in unhealthy thinking errors.“ In my opinion, when a client gets to this point, therapy becomes “fun” since the client is doing more of the work. The major tasks at this point are support and education to fill in the blanks.
4) Integration
In this stage, the client is able to do the majority of the work. Clients will understand the components of the cycle, and grasp connections between the material and their other issues. Daily insights are occurring. The major task is coaching and occasional direction.
5) Creation
This stage is the art of therapy. Clients are making connections between the material, recovery, and other aspects of their lives. Recovery moves away from a process or task to a profound change in the way clients live their lives. Transformational insights are occurring. The task of the therapist at this point is to stay the hell out of the way. Too often we impose our framework when in fact the client is creating their framework for healthy living.
1) Ignorance is not bliss
Clients may say, “I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know how to stop. What’s going on? What’s a feeling?” In this stage, we have to work with clients who struggle with the question of whether or not they have a problem. How many times have we heard “I don’t have a problem with my behavior; others have a problem with my behavior.“ The major task at this point is lack of information, or in some cases denial.
2) Recognition
Clients start to be aware that something unhealthy is occurring. The level of confusion and minimal awareness is a trademark at this point. When others point out a thinking error, or feeling or whatever, the client can recognize the concepts, but may not have been able to figure it out on their own. With help, the client is able to grasp what others are talking about. The major task at this point is learning and teaching.
3) Recall
Here the client is able to accurately talk about the information, and even proactively offer insights about his/her behavior. Awareness such as “I was feeling sad, mad, and/or glad.” Or, “I was stuck in unhealthy thinking errors.“ In my opinion, when a client gets to this point, therapy becomes “fun” since the client is doing more of the work. The major tasks at this point are support and education to fill in the blanks.
4) Integration
In this stage, the client is able to do the majority of the work. Clients will understand the components of the cycle, and grasp connections between the material and their other issues. Daily insights are occurring. The major task is coaching and occasional direction.
5) Creation
This stage is the art of therapy. Clients are making connections between the material, recovery, and other aspects of their lives. Recovery moves away from a process or task to a profound change in the way clients live their lives. Transformational insights are occurring. The task of the therapist at this point is to stay the hell out of the way. Too often we impose our framework when in fact the client is creating their framework for healthy living.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Living a Life I Love: 6-week workshop
As part of my new job, I'm posting information on a 6-week workshop addressing sexual compulsivity. The goal is to help participants toward getting what they want in their relationships.
Start the New Year addressing sexual health issues in your recovery. Join a discussion group designed to help you address sexual health concerns. The goal of this workshop is to help you get the type of relationships you want. This workshop is for individuals who have questions about sexual addiction/compulsivity, or avoidance of sexual behavior (sexual anorexia). For many in recovery, sexual health concerns are the last topics to be addressed. The topics reviewed are:
Jan 6, Week 1: Acting out cycle/Safety Plans
Jan 13, Week 2: Sex Timeline/Behavioral Analysis
Jan 20, Week 3: Understanding your Timeline
Jan 27, Week 4: Co-factors of Sexual Compulsivity
Feb 3, Week 5: Prevention Planning
Feb 10, Week 6: Creating a Personal Definition of Sexual Health.
Group size is limited to 10 individuals. Space is limited. Cost is $170 for the entire 6-week series and includes the cost of materials, paid at the first session.
Weston Edwards, PhD, LP will facilitate the discussion group. He is the Clinical Director at Prism. He has 16 years experience working in the area of sexuality. For More Information, contact Dr. Weston Edwards, PHD, LP at 612 825 8714
Start the New Year addressing sexual health issues in your recovery. Join a discussion group designed to help you address sexual health concerns. The goal of this workshop is to help you get the type of relationships you want. This workshop is for individuals who have questions about sexual addiction/compulsivity, or avoidance of sexual behavior (sexual anorexia). For many in recovery, sexual health concerns are the last topics to be addressed. The topics reviewed are:
Jan 6, Week 1: Acting out cycle/Safety Plans
Jan 13, Week 2: Sex Timeline/Behavioral Analysis
Jan 20, Week 3: Understanding your Timeline
Jan 27, Week 4: Co-factors of Sexual Compulsivity
Feb 3, Week 5: Prevention Planning
Feb 10, Week 6: Creating a Personal Definition of Sexual Health.
Group size is limited to 10 individuals. Space is limited. Cost is $170 for the entire 6-week series and includes the cost of materials, paid at the first session.
Weston Edwards, PhD, LP will facilitate the discussion group. He is the Clinical Director at Prism. He has 16 years experience working in the area of sexuality. For More Information, contact Dr. Weston Edwards, PHD, LP at 612 825 8714
Professional Changes
The next few weeks will see radical changes in my professional career. I'm happy to announce that I will be the Director of Clinical Services at Pride Institute and Prism. I will supervise the Outpatient Adult and Adolescent Intensive Outpatient Chemical Dependency Programs at Pride Institute. I will also supervise the new mental health program at Prism. In this role, I will develop the new program.
Prism is a new program providing mental health services. (Essentially I am moving my current practice to Prism.) Prism will provide specialty services in mental health, substance abuse and sexual health concerns. For many individuals, the problem areas overlap. Both mental health and psychiatric services will be available. Our goal will be to provide one-stop services.
Watch for future updates.
Prism is a new program providing mental health services. (Essentially I am moving my current practice to Prism.) Prism will provide specialty services in mental health, substance abuse and sexual health concerns. For many individuals, the problem areas overlap. Both mental health and psychiatric services will be available. Our goal will be to provide one-stop services.
Watch for future updates.
Friday, June 12, 2009
The workbook is Live!
I'm pleased to announce that my first book is now available.
Living a Life I Love:™ Healing sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction, sexual avoidance and other sexual concerns is designed to help you create a life you love in the area of sexuality. The workbook will help you understand your "acting out cycle" by identifying your high-risk situations, feeling triggers and thinking errors. The workbook has three stages:
1. Problem identification: During this stage, you examine your sexual behaviors, sexual history and acting out cycle.
2. Primary treatment addresses factors linked with unhealthy sexual behaviors.
3. Creating your future: The third stage will help you reach out for support and encouragement. You'll complete a personal definition of sexual health to help you live a life you love.
To READ MORE:
www.LivingALifeILoveBooks.com
TO ORDER:
https://www.createspace.com/Customer/EStore.do?id=3382965
Living a Life I Love:™ Healing sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction, sexual avoidance and other sexual concerns is designed to help you create a life you love in the area of sexuality. The workbook will help you understand your "acting out cycle" by identifying your high-risk situations, feeling triggers and thinking errors. The workbook has three stages:
1. Problem identification: During this stage, you examine your sexual behaviors, sexual history and acting out cycle.
2. Primary treatment addresses factors linked with unhealthy sexual behaviors.
3. Creating your future: The third stage will help you reach out for support and encouragement. You'll complete a personal definition of sexual health to help you live a life you love.
To READ MORE:
www.LivingALifeILoveBooks.com
TO ORDER:
https://www.createspace.com/Customer/EStore.do?id=3382965
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Integration with the 12-steps
I'm still adding a few ideas now and then in the new workbook (so much for being done!). This was a requested topic. "How do the 12-steps and the workbook overlap."
All of the topics listed here are in the blog...the order is a bit confusing. The page and topic numbers refer to how the new workbook has been reorganized.
One of the more common ways that people address sexual compulsivity is using the 12 steps. I see the workbook and 12-steps as complementary. In fact, I created the first draft of the workbook for a 12-step chemical dependency program where I work as the Director of Program Development. The first task was to develop a Sexual Health Program within a residential and outpatient CD program. The following is how I think the 12 steps overlap with some of the topics in the workbook.
1. We admitted we were powerless over sexuality—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Topic 1: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan, page 11.
Topic 3: Sex History, page 15.
Topic 5: The Acting-Out Cycle, page 23.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Topic 37: Spirituality, Values and Sexual Health, page 144.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Topic 39: Creating Your Future, page 160.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Topic 3: Sex History, page 15.
Stage 2: Primary Treatment: Related Topics, page 57.
Topic 24: Abusive Behaviors Toward Others, page 106.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Topic 2: Talking About Sex, page 13.
Topic 40: Toward a Personal Definition of Sexual Health, Component 1. Talking About Sex, page 165.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Introduction to the Workbook, page 1.
Defining Sexual Compulsivity, page 2.
Topic 7: Thinking Errors, page 28.
Topic 8: Primary Thinking Error, page 33.
Topic 9: Feeling Triggers, page 36.
Topic 10: High-Risk Situations, page 38.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Defining Sexual Compulsivity, page 2.
Topic 37: Spirituality, Values and Sexual Health, page 144.
Topic 38: Continuing Care Plan, page 150.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Topic 3: Sex History, page 15.
Topic 24: Abusive Behaviors Toward Others, page 106.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Topic 36: Disclosure to Partners, page 140.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Topic 1: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan, page 11.
Topic 13: Logging your Sexual Behaviors and Fantasies, page 48.
Topic 38: Continuing Care Plan, page 150.
Bottom Line Behaviors, page 158.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
Topic 6: Power of Thought, page 25.
Review and Repeat, page 174.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Topic 39: Creating Your Future, page 160.
SexualHealthInstitute.blogspot.com, page 174.
All of the topics listed here are in the blog...the order is a bit confusing. The page and topic numbers refer to how the new workbook has been reorganized.
One of the more common ways that people address sexual compulsivity is using the 12 steps. I see the workbook and 12-steps as complementary. In fact, I created the first draft of the workbook for a 12-step chemical dependency program where I work as the Director of Program Development. The first task was to develop a Sexual Health Program within a residential and outpatient CD program. The following is how I think the 12 steps overlap with some of the topics in the workbook.
1. We admitted we were powerless over sexuality—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Topic 1: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan, page 11.
Topic 3: Sex History, page 15.
Topic 5: The Acting-Out Cycle, page 23.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Topic 37: Spirituality, Values and Sexual Health, page 144.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Topic 39: Creating Your Future, page 160.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Topic 3: Sex History, page 15.
Stage 2: Primary Treatment: Related Topics, page 57.
Topic 24: Abusive Behaviors Toward Others, page 106.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Topic 2: Talking About Sex, page 13.
Topic 40: Toward a Personal Definition of Sexual Health, Component 1. Talking About Sex, page 165.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Introduction to the Workbook, page 1.
Defining Sexual Compulsivity, page 2.
Topic 7: Thinking Errors, page 28.
Topic 8: Primary Thinking Error, page 33.
Topic 9: Feeling Triggers, page 36.
Topic 10: High-Risk Situations, page 38.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Defining Sexual Compulsivity, page 2.
Topic 37: Spirituality, Values and Sexual Health, page 144.
Topic 38: Continuing Care Plan, page 150.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Topic 3: Sex History, page 15.
Topic 24: Abusive Behaviors Toward Others, page 106.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Topic 36: Disclosure to Partners, page 140.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Topic 1: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan, page 11.
Topic 13: Logging your Sexual Behaviors and Fantasies, page 48.
Topic 38: Continuing Care Plan, page 150.
Bottom Line Behaviors, page 158.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
Topic 6: Power of Thought, page 25.
Review and Repeat, page 174.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Topic 39: Creating Your Future, page 160.
SexualHealthInstitute.blogspot.com, page 174.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Healthy Solo-sex
"Can you tell me how to masturbate longer than 10 minutes that includes using a dildo?"
Here are eight ideas to prolong things -- in a good way, that is.
Be the turtle
Jacking off is not a race to see who can finish first, although that can be fun, too. Often, a j/o session is a fill-in behavior to boredom, or simply a spontaneous reaction to feeling horny. Think about when you can "schedule" the time and you'll find your j/o sessions will get more intense and powerful.
Not all dildos are created equal
If you are planning on using a dildo, make sure you have a size realistic for you. Anal play requires a lot of lubrication and time to loosen up, so before you grab the dildo modeled after your favorite well-endowed porn star, you might want to think about starting with something smaller. Dildo novices! This means don't just push in the largest thing you can find. Make sure you follow good dildo care by using a condom (condoms can help keep the dildo clean, make them last longer as well as help with clean up).
You might also want to consider trying a butt plug instead. Given the solo process, your hands might be busy with other things, making it difficult to keep the dildo in your body.
Go for the fantasy
Think about your favorite sexual fantasy. Perhaps writing your fantasy out can help expand the fantasy. Identify who, what, when, where, paying attention to the surroundings, smells, sounds, circumstances and details. By identifying your fantasies, you can integrate them into your solo-sex sessions
Really get to know your body
Part of making a solo j/o session fun is the process of discovering which parts of your body are most arousing. Since there are a number of known erogenous parts of your body, go exploring and pay attention to those that are most erogenous for you. Some guys find their nipples arousing. Others find their legs, balls, or neck arousing. Don't forget the anus and the area between the balls and anus. Play, rub, and otherwise stimulate these areas. Move to massaging and playing with the various parts of your body.
Give him a hand
When you stimulate your penis, pay attention to the various ways you can hold your penis. Different grips lead to different experiences. Discover what you like the most, and try other ways, as opposed to simply doing it the same way every time.
Edged out
The typical guy has a time of increasing arousal, a period of time of erection, and then a point where no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop the orgasm. Edge play is the process of approaching this point and then backing down again.
Two's company
One sign of a healthy relationship is the ability to talk about sex, including fantasy and masturbation. Mutual masturbation, dildo play and many of the ideas above can easily be integrated into your relationship. Talk with your partner about what he likes and incorporate them as well. Healthy sexual relationships can include solo masturbation, mutual masturbation and multiple forms of play.
Review and repeat
This is perhaps a task that is great to practice and repeat. Use different positions, body parts, hand holds or other things, such as fabric, or types of lubricants. Try different fantasies and scenarios. In other words, keep changing things up to keep things lively.
Here are eight ideas to prolong things -- in a good way, that is.
Be the turtle
Jacking off is not a race to see who can finish first, although that can be fun, too. Often, a j/o session is a fill-in behavior to boredom, or simply a spontaneous reaction to feeling horny. Think about when you can "schedule" the time and you'll find your j/o sessions will get more intense and powerful.
Not all dildos are created equal
If you are planning on using a dildo, make sure you have a size realistic for you. Anal play requires a lot of lubrication and time to loosen up, so before you grab the dildo modeled after your favorite well-endowed porn star, you might want to think about starting with something smaller. Dildo novices! This means don't just push in the largest thing you can find. Make sure you follow good dildo care by using a condom (condoms can help keep the dildo clean, make them last longer as well as help with clean up).
You might also want to consider trying a butt plug instead. Given the solo process, your hands might be busy with other things, making it difficult to keep the dildo in your body.
Go for the fantasy
Think about your favorite sexual fantasy. Perhaps writing your fantasy out can help expand the fantasy. Identify who, what, when, where, paying attention to the surroundings, smells, sounds, circumstances and details. By identifying your fantasies, you can integrate them into your solo-sex sessions
Really get to know your body
Part of making a solo j/o session fun is the process of discovering which parts of your body are most arousing. Since there are a number of known erogenous parts of your body, go exploring and pay attention to those that are most erogenous for you. Some guys find their nipples arousing. Others find their legs, balls, or neck arousing. Don't forget the anus and the area between the balls and anus. Play, rub, and otherwise stimulate these areas. Move to massaging and playing with the various parts of your body.
Give him a hand
When you stimulate your penis, pay attention to the various ways you can hold your penis. Different grips lead to different experiences. Discover what you like the most, and try other ways, as opposed to simply doing it the same way every time.
Edged out
The typical guy has a time of increasing arousal, a period of time of erection, and then a point where no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop the orgasm. Edge play is the process of approaching this point and then backing down again.
Two's company
One sign of a healthy relationship is the ability to talk about sex, including fantasy and masturbation. Mutual masturbation, dildo play and many of the ideas above can easily be integrated into your relationship. Talk with your partner about what he likes and incorporate them as well. Healthy sexual relationships can include solo masturbation, mutual masturbation and multiple forms of play.
Review and repeat
This is perhaps a task that is great to practice and repeat. Use different positions, body parts, hand holds or other things, such as fabric, or types of lubricants. Try different fantasies and scenarios. In other words, keep changing things up to keep things lively.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Helping your Providers Talk about Sex
I'm nearly finished with a workshop presentation for Tuesday that is a training for Chemical Dependency at the annual MARRCH conference in St. Paul Minnesota (www.marrch.org). The workshop highlights the importance of talking about sex, and the need to take a sex history as part of the recovery process. In the workshop I focus on helping the professionals improve their ability and comfort level when they talk about sex. This highlights the probability that as a client who is working on your sexual history, you might be MORE comfortable than the professional. As such, you might have to teach him or her. While this may seem a bit unfair, the overall goal is to improve your health. It is important to talk about your sexual health concerns even if the professional is uncomfortable. It is there job to take care of you, not your job to take care of them.
Think about the last time you visited your doctor, spiritual adviser, dentist, therapist? Where you comfortable talking about sexual health concerns? If not, why? Are there issues you need to address, or is it an issue for your professional. How might you help him or her improve his or her skills?
Think about the last time you visited your doctor, spiritual adviser, dentist, therapist? Where you comfortable talking about sexual health concerns? If not, why? Are there issues you need to address, or is it an issue for your professional. How might you help him or her improve his or her skills?
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Importance of Community
Having people in your life to support you in the process of improving your sexual health is important. It is recommended that you have 3-5 people with whom you are transparent. In the process of defining your personal definition of sexual health, it is this group who serves as a counter balance to an individual's desire to do anything you want. Remember that sexual compulsivity has both an internal and external accountability. Developing your support network is a way to increase external accountability.
Four strategies for starting the process of developing a support network include.
1) Start off small. Say "I'm now in therapy. I need someone to support me, but I'm not ready to go into full detail right now."
2) Examine who in your life is already supportive. Expand what you might say to the person that increases your self-disclosure. You might say that I'm working with a therapist in the area of human sexuality.
3) Identify a big name "star" who has "come out" regarding sexual addiction and compulsivity. (David Duchovny is one of the recent stars who disclosed his personal struggles.) This can help you introduce the topic.
4) Without naming the issue, share some of the negative thoughts or feelings that set you up to act out. Share "I'm really stuck on how negative my thoughts are" or, "I struggle with a lot of shame."
These are simple strategies to start the process of disclosure in your recovery process.
Four strategies for starting the process of developing a support network include.
1) Start off small. Say "I'm now in therapy. I need someone to support me, but I'm not ready to go into full detail right now."
2) Examine who in your life is already supportive. Expand what you might say to the person that increases your self-disclosure. You might say that I'm working with a therapist in the area of human sexuality.
3) Identify a big name "star" who has "come out" regarding sexual addiction and compulsivity. (David Duchovny is one of the recent stars who disclosed his personal struggles.) This can help you introduce the topic.
4) Without naming the issue, share some of the negative thoughts or feelings that set you up to act out. Share "I'm really stuck on how negative my thoughts are" or, "I struggle with a lot of shame."
These are simple strategies to start the process of disclosure in your recovery process.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Grief
Another issue sometimes connected with the acting out cycle is grief. Various theories have talked about the process of grief. The theory I like best is provided by Kubler-Ross where she identified five stages of grief. Her original research has focused on death of a loved one through terminal cancer. Subsequent researchers have modified or adapted her model, but the common reference in all of those models is a comparison to the original model. The five stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.
Three adaptations or expansions of the model that I include are: one, the role of perceived losses and two, the role of small losses, and three the “time focus” of grief. Sometimes feelings of grief result from a loss such as a death of a loved one as originally highlighted by Kubler-Ross. Grief from other losses can have a powerful impact in a person’s life. Feelings of grief may be due to the end of a relationship or friendship. It is important to highlight that grief may be due to the loss of hopes, dreams, and/or fantasies. For example, in the coming out process, depression is sometimes present because of the loss of the expectation that life was supposed to be a certain way and recognizing a same-sex identity brings an end to the expectation. Sometimes, the symbolic meaning of an event, location or person triggers a great experience of loss. Moving from your home results in a recognition of the end of a relationship. These perceived losses can have the same impact as a tangible loss. The feelings associated with the loss of a dream can parallel the loss of a partner. Third, some feelings of grief are anticipatory; in this situation, I might “see” the end of something. This may show up as “This is a bad relationship; I need to get out of it so I have sex with a third person to cause a rupture in the relationship causing it to end.” Another example is getting yourself fired because you don’t like your job.
As you review your acting out cycle, pay attention to how the following stages of grief may have played out. I’ve provided a few examples that are descriptive of how the stage might be expressed.
Denial. In this stage, this is an active thinking process of avoiding grief. For some people, they might start overworking and then use the overwork to justify the acting out behavior. With some clients who discover they are HIV+, their acting out behavior may increase because of the sense that it simply doesn’t matter anymore. Another example might be the loss of a relationship, and engaging in sexual contact because you’re lonely.
Bargaining. In this stage, there is recognition of the grief, but the coping mechanism is toward minimizing the impact of grief. “It’s not a big deal.” Or, starting to date before the grief is resolved. Another way this may be present is selecting a new partner with the thought “He/She is better than no-one.” A final example is “He/She isn’t like the last one!”
Anger: In this stage, the energy of the process of coping with grief is extended outward. Statements such as “All men are like that” may reflect an avoidance of relationships or forms of intimacy. As you could guess, these feelings might lead to isolation resulting in a subsequent acting out cycle.
Depression: Common thoughts in this stage might include “why try” or “it doesn’t matter” or even “It’ll never work out.” One of the difficulties is distinguishing between depression and grief is that depression is part of the grief process. Review the topic on depression. Might any of the symptoms you’re experiencing of depression be related to grief?
Acceptance: By this point, the grief is recognized, integrated and while present, has lost most of the power. In my mind, this means that you can acknowledge the loss, but the loss doesn’t result in a barrier to healthy relationships or daily functioning of the individual. In some cases, the loss may actually facilitate transformation. These are signs of successful adjustment to grief.
One of the critiques of Kubler-Ross’ model is the perception that the process of coping with grief is linear; that you simply go through one stage to the next, followed by stages 3, 4, and 5. My experience suggests that is cyclical; you might see parts of each stage in the moment and depending on the circumstances of the moment, experience the grief differently. The key for me is to recognize whatever the situation, it is acceptable and healthy to be present to your thoughts and feelings. A second critique is the implication that process occurs once and is rather “quick.” The manual used by the mental health field suggests that grief only lasts two months which may be too short. My experience also suggests that in some circumstances grief can exceed a year or more. And you can re-experience grief when certain rituals, anniversaries or memories are triggered.
In addressing grief and the acting out cycle, I will request clients complete the following task: Take a piece of paper, and create three columns. In the first column, list 100 experiences of real, perceived, major and/or minor experiences of loss. While 100 may seem like a lot, my experience is that people can identify more losses than they realize. Usually, this part of the assignment can take days and weeks to complete. Complete this part of the assignment before you move to columns two and three. In the second column, explain why this loss still impacts you today. Why does it have so much power now? In the third column, identify possible thinking errors or plans to address the loss. The example below can be helpful.
Type of Loss
Major loss (death)
Minor loss (plans cancelled)
Real (relationship ended)
Perceived (loss of my idea how the future would look. Explanation.
How does it impact me today?
Why does this loss have so much power? Plans and corrections.
How will you address this loss?
Is the loss based on a thinking error, if so, what is your correction?
My partner left me. I feel alone and hurt
Shame (it’s my fault).
I will never find anyone
Nobody loves me
I will talk about it with my support group and therapist. I will read a book on dating.
I didn’t get the job I’m no good
They don’t like me. I can find another job.
My job doesn’t define me.
I’m gay.
I won’t be able to have children. Everybody judges me.
I will be alone
It is a sin. I could adopt.
There are happy gay people in connected loving relationships.
Not everyone believes it is a sin; in fact some people think it is a blessing.
Three adaptations or expansions of the model that I include are: one, the role of perceived losses and two, the role of small losses, and three the “time focus” of grief. Sometimes feelings of grief result from a loss such as a death of a loved one as originally highlighted by Kubler-Ross. Grief from other losses can have a powerful impact in a person’s life. Feelings of grief may be due to the end of a relationship or friendship. It is important to highlight that grief may be due to the loss of hopes, dreams, and/or fantasies. For example, in the coming out process, depression is sometimes present because of the loss of the expectation that life was supposed to be a certain way and recognizing a same-sex identity brings an end to the expectation. Sometimes, the symbolic meaning of an event, location or person triggers a great experience of loss. Moving from your home results in a recognition of the end of a relationship. These perceived losses can have the same impact as a tangible loss. The feelings associated with the loss of a dream can parallel the loss of a partner. Third, some feelings of grief are anticipatory; in this situation, I might “see” the end of something. This may show up as “This is a bad relationship; I need to get out of it so I have sex with a third person to cause a rupture in the relationship causing it to end.” Another example is getting yourself fired because you don’t like your job.
As you review your acting out cycle, pay attention to how the following stages of grief may have played out. I’ve provided a few examples that are descriptive of how the stage might be expressed.
Denial. In this stage, this is an active thinking process of avoiding grief. For some people, they might start overworking and then use the overwork to justify the acting out behavior. With some clients who discover they are HIV+, their acting out behavior may increase because of the sense that it simply doesn’t matter anymore. Another example might be the loss of a relationship, and engaging in sexual contact because you’re lonely.
Bargaining. In this stage, there is recognition of the grief, but the coping mechanism is toward minimizing the impact of grief. “It’s not a big deal.” Or, starting to date before the grief is resolved. Another way this may be present is selecting a new partner with the thought “He/She is better than no-one.” A final example is “He/She isn’t like the last one!”
Anger: In this stage, the energy of the process of coping with grief is extended outward. Statements such as “All men are like that” may reflect an avoidance of relationships or forms of intimacy. As you could guess, these feelings might lead to isolation resulting in a subsequent acting out cycle.
Depression: Common thoughts in this stage might include “why try” or “it doesn’t matter” or even “It’ll never work out.” One of the difficulties is distinguishing between depression and grief is that depression is part of the grief process. Review the topic on depression. Might any of the symptoms you’re experiencing of depression be related to grief?
Acceptance: By this point, the grief is recognized, integrated and while present, has lost most of the power. In my mind, this means that you can acknowledge the loss, but the loss doesn’t result in a barrier to healthy relationships or daily functioning of the individual. In some cases, the loss may actually facilitate transformation. These are signs of successful adjustment to grief.
One of the critiques of Kubler-Ross’ model is the perception that the process of coping with grief is linear; that you simply go through one stage to the next, followed by stages 3, 4, and 5. My experience suggests that is cyclical; you might see parts of each stage in the moment and depending on the circumstances of the moment, experience the grief differently. The key for me is to recognize whatever the situation, it is acceptable and healthy to be present to your thoughts and feelings. A second critique is the implication that process occurs once and is rather “quick.” The manual used by the mental health field suggests that grief only lasts two months which may be too short. My experience also suggests that in some circumstances grief can exceed a year or more. And you can re-experience grief when certain rituals, anniversaries or memories are triggered.
In addressing grief and the acting out cycle, I will request clients complete the following task: Take a piece of paper, and create three columns. In the first column, list 100 experiences of real, perceived, major and/or minor experiences of loss. While 100 may seem like a lot, my experience is that people can identify more losses than they realize. Usually, this part of the assignment can take days and weeks to complete. Complete this part of the assignment before you move to columns two and three. In the second column, explain why this loss still impacts you today. Why does it have so much power now? In the third column, identify possible thinking errors or plans to address the loss. The example below can be helpful.
Type of Loss
Major loss (death)
Minor loss (plans cancelled)
Real (relationship ended)
Perceived (loss of my idea how the future would look. Explanation.
How does it impact me today?
Why does this loss have so much power? Plans and corrections.
How will you address this loss?
Is the loss based on a thinking error, if so, what is your correction?
My partner left me. I feel alone and hurt
Shame (it’s my fault).
I will never find anyone
Nobody loves me
I will talk about it with my support group and therapist. I will read a book on dating.
I didn’t get the job I’m no good
They don’t like me. I can find another job.
My job doesn’t define me.
I’m gay.
I won’t be able to have children. Everybody judges me.
I will be alone
It is a sin. I could adopt.
There are happy gay people in connected loving relationships.
Not everyone believes it is a sin; in fact some people think it is a blessing.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Male on Male Rape
One of the more difficult issues I struggle with is helping guys cope with their experiences of being raped. The presence of this phenomenon simply isn't talked about in our society. In the gay community, the lack of any dialogue highlights the unspoken tragedy. There are few resources available. One of the first books I read on the material is by Michael Scarce "Male on Male Rape." His book reviews many of the issues including fears, embarrassment, masculinity issues, perceived issues of invulnerability, sexual desires, cultural issues regarding sexual prowess to name but a few of the issues. All of these concerns need to be addressed in recovery. The consequences of male on male rape are significant and parallels many of the experiences of male/female rape. Typical feelings include:
frightened
guilty
powerless
angry
ashamed
depressed
numb
lacking self-confidence
In a previous post, I highlighted the concerns of abuse and sexual violence. In those posts are a few ideas to become aware of as you look at the consequences of abuse and assault. Please review these two posts as part of the process.
One important idea to highlight is that during a sexual encounter if consent is removed, the experience is ASSAULT. You have the right to say no at any point. I strongly encourage you to talk about any sexual assault with your support issue.
frightened
guilty
powerless
angry
ashamed
depressed
numb
lacking self-confidence
In a previous post, I highlighted the concerns of abuse and sexual violence. In those posts are a few ideas to become aware of as you look at the consequences of abuse and assault. Please review these two posts as part of the process.
One important idea to highlight is that during a sexual encounter if consent is removed, the experience is ASSAULT. You have the right to say no at any point. I strongly encourage you to talk about any sexual assault with your support issue.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Online Community Talking about Sexual Health: An ending opens a new door.
All of the material in this blog (previous to this date) has been used in the development of a workbook addressing sexual health issues to facilitate recovery for individuals experiencing sexual compulsivity. The purpose of the blog was two-fold. First, clients were provided the information quicker than waiting for the workbook to be completed. (The initial content was written over a period of one year.) Second, the blog held me accountable. I was responsible to others to get something done regularly. An embarrassing reality is that this workbook was started in 2005. Without the accountability created by the blog, I simply languished in moving forward.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Body Image
1. In general, I like how my body looks.
2. I like the look of my genitals.
3. I feel I am too thin.
4. I like how my breast/chest looks.
5. R. I am uncomfortable with several parts of my body.
6. It is important for me to make my body look good.
7. I have had cosmetic surgery to change my looks.
8. Overall, I feel my body is attractive.
9. FOR MEN: I like the size of my penis. FOR WOMEN: I like the size of my breasts.
10. R. I want to look more masculine.
11. R. I want to look more feminine.
12. R. I feel I am overweight.
Score 1 point for each no to questions 1-4, 6-9.
Score 1 point for each yes to questions 5, 10-12.
The higher the score, the bigger the concern with body image issues.
A component of sexual health is body image. This involves challenging the notion of one narrow standard of beauty and encouraging self-acceptance. Sexual health requires a development of a realistic positive body image. The necessary work in moving toward sexual health suggests that this is a major issue for all people and may be the last issue resolved according to professions who treat eating disorders. Body image incorporates so many parts of our perceptions, internal messages, external messages, and feelings that it is difficult to address.
Culturally what is considered beautiful changes across time and circumstances. The key to addressing body image is that it is COMPLETELY cultural. The objectification of women has been occurring for a while; recent developments have started the objectification of men as well. Given the cultural emphasis on unrealistic images of the body, the negative messages both genders face are tremendous. The impact of sexually explicit material also raises concerns in the role it has in shaping a person’s view of their body.
While a lot of people struggle with cultural body, there is a mental health diagnosis that reflects significant body image issues. Body dysmorphic disorder is characterized by constantly compare your appearance with others, possibly refusing to let your picture be taken, or are extremely self-conscious in photos, keep checking a certain body part that you think is flawed (e.g., your nose or belly) as well as measure the flaw frequently, feeling anxious and self-conscious around other people, calling yourself names, completing plastic surgery, and often dissatisfaction with the results of plastic surgery,
Developing a Healthy Body Image
Here are some guidelines (Adapted from BodyLove: Learning to Like Our Looks and Ourselves, Rita Freeman, Ph.D.) that can help you work toward a positive body image:
1. Listen to your body. Eat when you are hungry.
2 .Be realistic about the size you are likely to be based on your genetic and environmental history.
3. Exercise regularly in an enjoyable way, regardless of size.
4. Expect normal weekly and monthly changes in weight and shape
5. Work towards self acceptance and self forgiveness- be gentle with yourself.
6. Ask for support and encouragement from friends and family when life is stressful.
7. Decide how you wish to spend your energy -- pursuing the "perfect body image" or enjoying family, friends, school and, most importantly, life.
One assignment I will sometimes give clients is to list 100 negative messages they say about themselves, their body, or hear from the culture. The reason I do this is to help the client become aware of the negative self talk. You can’t change what you don’t recognize. Next, for each negative message, I have them review and investigate the source of the message. Was it TV, family, culture, sexual minority culture? Finally I encourage them to identify positive messages to balance the negative messages.
Examine your sexual history. How has messages regarding body image impacted your sexual behavior. What behaviors have you done or not done in response to the messages? How do you feel about your body now? Describe a realistic and healthy body image.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Sexual Health and Sexual Behavior/Expression
Unhealthy Sexual Behaviors
Problems with Identifying Unhealthy Sexual Behavior.
The approach taken in this workbook and highlighted in the recent development of definition of sexual health is to emphasis a dynamic process between the community and the individual. Your values shape what behaviors are healthy for you. However, this is not a free-for all. Part of the process includes disclosure and community conversations via your support network and your prevention plan. This will be discussed below. The rest of this conversation is a process of presenting certain values that may be helpful in defining healthy sexual behaviors. As part of Stage three, you will be asked to identify both values and sexual behaviors that are congruent and reflect your personal definition of sexual health. This topic is designed to help you start that reflection process.
2) Open and Honest. Healthy sexual behavior is above board, open, and honest. Full consent and awareness are present in the encounters. While you may not talk about the incident because of discretion, you could disclose the activity to your support network. And in the disclosure the support network would be able to conclude that the behavior is consistent with your declared values and prevention plan.
3) Consensual and Mutual. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. For consent to be present, this requires appropriate disclosures and considerations. This measure assumes that full disclosure has occurred with your partner, including risks for STIs, pregnancy, relationship status/availability or any number of measures. There is a decidedly lack of manipulation in the experience (i.e., if you love me, you’d have sex with me).
It is important to highlight that in some circumstances, consent is not possible. Children, for example are not able to give consent. Relationships with power differences (for example, student/teacher, boss/employee, therapist/client) are by definition non-consensual. Other circumstances exist where the ability for parties to give consent is questionable including impairment due to mental health issues, chemical use, and/or financial status (prostitution also known as survival sex). Another notion within consent is that all parties need to be aware of the experience, which is why exhibitionism and voyeurism are defined as unhealthy (as well as illegal).
Finally, within the concept of mutuality is the concept of respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e, stop, no, I don’t want to), the behavior must stop. Consent can be removed by any person in the experience at any time. The removal of consent does not require a reason; it simply is.
4) Responsibility. As a value, this requires you to fully assert your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. How are you protecting your values? It isn’t up to the other person, rather it is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of the values.
Assignment.
Review the topic Sex History.” As you look at all the behaviors you may have done, how many of these behaviors are consistent with the values above? If they aren’t, I’d encourage you to remove them from the list of sexually healthy behaviors. Anything that remains would be a candidate for a “healthy behavior.” The last task is to finish the Topic Defining your personal Definition of Sexual Health and Creating your Future. Again review the candidate list of healthy behaviors. Which behaviors remain? Review this list with the support network. What behaviors remain? This is the list of healthy behaviors to be included in your Personal Definition of Sexual Health.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Fantasy and Sexual Health
| 1. R. If I fantasize about sex, I will become obsessed about sexual thoughts. |
| 2. R. It is difficult for me to share my sexual fantasies with a sexual partner(s). |
| 3. Sharing a sexual fantasy with a sexual partner(s) enriches my sex life. |
| 4. Sexual fantasy helps me learn about what I like and don’t like sexually. |
| 5. Sharing a sexual fantasy is a good way to get to know what a sexual partner likes. |
| 6. I enjoy fantasizing about sex. |
| 7. R. I feel guilty when I fantasize about sex. |
| 8. I enjoy hearing about my sexual partner’s sexual fantasies. |
| 9. Sexual fantasy helps me express my sexual desires. |
| 10. Sexual fantasy is safe outlet for behavior I choose not to act upon. |
Score 1 point for each yes response for questions 3-6, 9-10
Score 1 point for each no response for questions 1,2 and 8
The higher your score, the more comfortable you are with sexual fantasies
The idea of sexual fantasies is a topic that also has many negative societal biases and messages that need to be addressed. To begin with, I make a distinction between a sexualization and a sexual fantasy by using a “3-second rule.” This rule is simply based on clinical experience and not necessarily based on any hard and fast research. Nor does it have to be 3-seconds: it could be 2 or 4 seconds as well. As a clinician, I hold that sexualizations are normal, happen outside our realm of control and are part of the sexual drive. In this approach, sexualizations simply happen. They just are. A sexualization is recognition that someone is attractive to you. Often sexualizations can occur outside of one’s primary sexual partner template. A “straight” man can recognize a handsome guy just as a gay man can recognize a beautiful woman. In these situations, there is simply a recognition of the sexuality and sensuality of another person.
What moves a sexualization to the level of a sexual fantasy is the ongoing thought and/or fixation on a particular person, thought or object. That was how the three second rule was created; it was in response to clients asking for a ruler on when that process switches from a sexualizaiton to a fantasy. Throughout the day, many sexualizations occur. It is how a person responds to the sexualization that raises the issue to be addressed.
Fantasies are normal.
Generally speaking, the reality is that fantasies are simply normal aspects of our sexuality. Everybody has fantasies and daydreams. In and of themselves, fantasies are neutral. To be clear, the key concept in this section is that fantasies are normal and healthy. At the same time, it is important to highlight that some fantasies are risky or unhealthy. The content, frequency, intensity and focus of the fantasy may raise some issues to be addressed. This may require you to address your thoughts about fantasies and to examine the content of the fantasies.
Fantasies can be helpful in understanding ourselves and our sexuality. Through examining our fantasies, we can get a sense of what we find arousing. We can understand our needs and share with our partner and support network. Sometimes we can channel our energy into sexual fantasies to allow a healthy release. Sharing our fantasies is difficult for some people, yet the process of sharing these fantasies can create positive intimacy with the other person. And we can experience fantasies about things we would never choose to act upon.
Misperceptions of fantasies.
In moving toward sexual health, it is important to highlight and clarify misperceptions that exist about fantasies. Having fantasies does not mean you are over-sexed even if you fantasize about sex or think about sex often. Sexual fantasies are thoughts and feelings about sexual behaviors and ideas that we find sexually arousing. Sexual fantasies may represent what turns us on. Sexual fantasies are also a form of self-stimulation. Simply having a fantasy does not mean we have to act on that fantasy. Having a fantasy does not mean that we will automatically follow through with the behavior in the fantasy. Fantasies exist only in thoughts and the subsequent feelings; they are not themselves real. That also means that when we have a fantasy of a negative traumatic event, the fantasy is also real.
Application of the primary thinking error and fantasies.
Morin identified the concept of “core erotic thought” which he used to highlight how our thoughts also shape our sexual fantasies. And by examining our most powerful fantasies, we can gain insight into how we see our basic self. In his work, Erotic Mind, he highlighted how fantasies changed in light of the therapeutic process. Specifically, he highlighted how negative and damaging fantasies slowly decreased as the clients addressed the underlying issues. As they moved toward health, Morin argues that the fantasies changed. The application for this section is to emphasize the importance of not only acknowledging the fantasies, but to study them for insights into your underlying patterns of thinking.
Unhealthy Fantasies.
Occasionally, thoughts of inappropriate or unhealthy sexual behaviors may occur as themes in your fantasies. This is important issue for individuals with a pattern of sexually offending behavior. It is also true for individuals in chemical dependency recovery when the fantasies including drug use and sexual behavior mixed together. To a degree, this is simply normal. How you respond to the unhealthy fantasies when you notice they are occurring is the key step toward sexual health. To the degree that you can, it is important that you stop the fantasy or actively encouraging it. This can be done by changing your environment, talking with your network, etc. It is important that you do not masturbate to these fantasies because you might make them stronger or more frequent. An escalation of unhealthy behaviors may occur if you do not interrupt the fantasy cycle. If you recognize the unhealthy fantasies are increasing either in frequency, intensity or content, it might be a warning sign or high risk behavior. Letting your support system know that you are having unhealthy or risky fantasies can be a part of your prevention plan.
If sexual fantasies are used to avoid and/or escape from reality or are the only form of sexual expression, then I would also express concern. Also, some clients have used fantasies as a form of escape from unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Finally, for some people, particular fantasies can start the acting out cycle. Taken together, these types of fantasies should be avoided. They key is for you to figure out which fantasies are healthy and unhealthy.
Creating Healthy Fantasies
We can use sexual fantasies to move toward sexual health. This can be through harm reduction techniques, as well as positive sexuality. In our fantasies, we can create and clarify our values toward sexuality and toward others. One assignment I provide was listed in the sexual history. Identify three favorite fantasies. I’d encourage you to write these out and be as detailed and specific as possible. As you review the responses to those questions, consider the following questions:
What is the content of the fantasy? Explain the 5 Ws: who, what, when, why, when. As you answer these questions, think about how the content fits in with your components of sexual health. What, if any, risk factors or forms of acting out are present? If they are present, how do you change and/or slowly move the plot line of the fantasy toward something that is healthy for you. In this sense, you can shape the outcome of the fantasy. If this fantasy was to occur, what would you think and feel as a result?
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