One of the foundational beliefs/approaches in my work is the assumption that we are simultaneously the source of our own pain and joy. Often an individual experiences pain as a result of attachments, expectations, desires or other thoughts where I think either I need “this thing” or “this needs to be a certain way.” Different traditions/theories have different words for essentially the same thing. I use the concept of “thoughts” to integrate many of these approaches. These thoughts often are unconscious, hidden, or habitual patterns of thinking. They are always occurring, and individuals/society knows how to manipulate these thoughts.
The economic field of marketing is about creating thoughts of desire that feed consumption. In other posts, I talk about the primary thinking error that is simply an elaborate illusion personalizing the existential fear we all experience. Assumptions are other examples of these thoughts. In my experience working in chemical dependency and sexual health, our thoughts around sex, body image, relationships, and success are examples of these thoughts.
The pattern goes something like this. On some level, we have a thought that having these desires fulfilled will lead to happiness. When unmet, we experience the pain. An individual might feel sad, fear, anger, hurt, lonely, disappointed and so on as a result of these thoughts/desires. It is easy to see how these thoughts are the source of our pain. When met, we may feel a type of happiness that is often temporary.
Recognizing these thoughts for what they are, that is, “thoughts,” allows us to reshape our view of the world and respond in different ways. The dilemma is that I don’t know what is a different way for you to respond. Your response to thoughts/pain needs to be your response. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for others. This is often an individual approach and reflects our personal journey toward meaning in life. One direction to consider however is the wisdom of service. All of the major religious traditions focus on service. The 12th step emphasizes service.
The type of service is more than simply doing things for others. In my opinion, we each experience moments of transforming joy. Reflect on those moments when you felt most alive, experienced timelessness, and/or transcended your own self-imposed limits. Finding the key elements underlying these experiences is the key to finding your expression of service. I label these key elements values/virtues. When we live a life that connects us to these values, we experience the transformation of pain into joy.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Triggers as opportunities
Much of the fear in recovery is around the fear of relapse and the fear of triggers contributing to relapse. Fear is a powerful feeling. It often sets up paralysis, anxiety, and retrenchment. When faced with any fear, individuals will sometimes literally shrink physically and emotionally.
Rather than focus on the fear, I ask you to think of the triggers as opportunities. (And no, this doesn’t mean you have to search out triggers; there are enough that will simply show up in your daily journey!). As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When faced with a trigger, implementing a pre-identified plan is always helpful (hence the continuing care plan). On a larger level, your response also gives insight into your overall worldview. You “get” the opportunity to examine how show up in the world. For example, are you hopeful? fearful? careless? planful? Are you playing a victim? Are you acting from integrity? Isolating? Or are you reaching out for support?
All of the worldviews are available when faced with a trigger. As your recovery grows, you can sometimes answer these questions in the moment. Other times it may be after the fact that you recognize the patterns in your response. Reviewing your response is a way to continue the journey in recovery.
Rather than focus on the fear, I ask you to think of the triggers as opportunities. (And no, this doesn’t mean you have to search out triggers; there are enough that will simply show up in your daily journey!). As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When faced with a trigger, implementing a pre-identified plan is always helpful (hence the continuing care plan). On a larger level, your response also gives insight into your overall worldview. You “get” the opportunity to examine how show up in the world. For example, are you hopeful? fearful? careless? planful? Are you playing a victim? Are you acting from integrity? Isolating? Or are you reaching out for support?
All of the worldviews are available when faced with a trigger. As your recovery grows, you can sometimes answer these questions in the moment. Other times it may be after the fact that you recognize the patterns in your response. Reviewing your response is a way to continue the journey in recovery.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Creating your future and Transcending the Fear
It’s always great when I find someone reading my blog. I was asked a follow-up question regarding breaking the cycle of fear described in the “Illusion of Fear” blog (dated: 1/29/11). I start with the material from the blog and expand it further.
Step 1: Don’t play the game. The fear is not real.
Remember the fear isn’t real. It may feel real, but it isn’t. Again, very little of the fear we experience is in reality. While it may hurt if someone leaves, or is angry, or doesn’t like us, or we loose our job, or whatever, our actual existence is not called into question.
If you catch yourself playing the game, stop. In this case the game is the various roles of the triangle. Simply stop. No matter how you try, you can’t win at a game of fear. I love the line for the 1980’s move Wargames, “The only winning move is not to play.”” (To watch the scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHWjlCaIrQo)
Step 2: Transcend the Fear --Find a bigger goal.
Transcending this fear is possible. One way to do this is to identify values that express what inspires you at your core. It is essential to step outside of the fear and take responsibility for the subsequent choices. I know this is easier said than done. In another blog entry, I highlighted the Litany of Fear.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune, Herbert)
To me, this litany of fear reminds me that the fear is not real, and that if I stand through the fear, only I remain. In that moment I have an opportunity where I can make a choice that expresses my true identity.
Courage is not acting without of fear, it is acting in spite of fear. Continuing the metaphor of the game, the way out of the game of fear is to play a completely different game. The “fun” part of this process is that you get to decide what “new game” you want to play. Instead of fear, play a game of love. Or, play a game of healing, or play a game of wisdom. Every experience becomes an opportunity to express or learn something greater in your life. In other blog entries, I’ve called this “Creating your future.” This concept is not original to me, but has it’s root in viture ethics. Mark Vernon summarizes virtue ethics as:
Virtue ethics begins by asking what it is to be human, and proceeds by asking what virtues — or characteristics, habits and skills — we need in order to become all that we might be as humans. It’s much associated with the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, who discussed the meaning of friendship as a way to illustrate his approach to ethics. … The virtue ethics approach is not individualistic. It tells us that to become all we might be as humans we need others. And we need others in a number of ways. One is highlighted by Aristotle’s focus on friendship. Social animals, like ourselves, are fulfilled by being with others: we discover who we are by discovering who others are — those to whom we are connected by way of family, affection, community, and society. They shape us, and we shape them, and so we need to have a concern for them all. (Link: http://tinyurl.com/66f26ne)
Step 3: Other’s as a reflection of your goals
Our task is to define the virtues by which we want to live our life. It is done in community/connection with others. The struggle with virtue ethics is most people don’t know what they are, or are caught up in a dilemma of having to use other people’s opinions of the important virtues. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is the experience of discovering YOUR truth. My experience suggests a client is much more successful when their life that reflects their truth.
Paradoxically, others are the source of the primary values in our life. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. This is a classic psychological principle that also applies to transcending the fear. That which we are drawn to reflects an inner craving that we must address. That which we reject reflects an inner craving that we must address. Whatever we fear is an opportunity to personal growth, discovery and transformation. An open, honest and fearless examination of those reactions is necessary for this discovery. It is then that new possibilities of a transformed life become possible.
We can recognize these values by identifying various pivot points in our life (see blog date: 1/22/11) It is in these pivot points where we get a sense of something more in our life. The experience is rewarding, but isn’t always easy. Sometimes these are values that we have and want to express more; or, it may be values we don’t have and want to obtain.
Step 4: Identifying your values by completing the following assignments.
To begin this process, I give my clients a number of assignments to identify pivot points that can be useful in identifying the values in your life. This assignment will help you to start thinking about something greater in your life. Think “big” about your future. What would a “life you love” look like?. You need to step forward to identify and claim the values that you find important, the values that you will use to shape your life. What works for some people person will not necessarily work for you. We may learn from each other, but our path is uniquely our own.
• Identify three people who inspire you. These people may be real or fictional, living or dead, someone you know, or simply someone you’ve read about. For each person, identify why this person is an inspiration to you. Examine two or three values this person has expressed through their life. As you think about each person, you may start to identify themes that are important to you.
• Name three times when you experienced a sense of timelessness. Some authors describe this as “being in the flow.” In this context, “timelessness” is the experience of time passing without your awareness. Think of a young child playing outside all day. You say to the child “Come in for bed.” To the child, the day passed with a sense of timelessness. They simply were completely in the moment. Describe the settings in which you experienced timelessness, focusing on who, what, when, and where. What words do you use to summarize how these experiences inspire you?
• As you examine the individuals and experiences in your life that are important, make note of common themes, values and experiences. These themes are expressions of your experience of God in your daily life.
• After listing the themes, review each word in a dictionary or Wikipedia. Learn the depth of meaning of these words. Summarize what you learn.
Step 5: Choose
The challenge is to ask yourself, “How willing am I to do whatever it takes to express my values in living?” Our inspirations are often people who, despite their fear, choose actions that express their values. Think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Mother Theresa. They expressed their values in their daily lives to the degree that the world recognized them as inspiring. You can use your values to shape your choices in a profound way. The key questions are, “Will this behavior protect my values?” and “How do my values shape the next step for me?”
In each moment you face fear, you can succumb to fear and fall into the triangle roles of persecutor, victimizer, or rescuer, or you can choose to engage in behaviors that express your values. When you succeed, life will be amazing. And yes you will fail, and life will be amazing. Perfection is not required, but integrity to YOUR values and truth is how a person lives a life they love. Each moment is an opportunity. Choose.
Books referenced in this text.
Step 1: Don’t play the game. The fear is not real.
Remember the fear isn’t real. It may feel real, but it isn’t. Again, very little of the fear we experience is in reality. While it may hurt if someone leaves, or is angry, or doesn’t like us, or we loose our job, or whatever, our actual existence is not called into question.
If you catch yourself playing the game, stop. In this case the game is the various roles of the triangle. Simply stop. No matter how you try, you can’t win at a game of fear. I love the line for the 1980’s move Wargames, “The only winning move is not to play.”” (To watch the scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHWjlCaIrQo)
Step 2: Transcend the Fear --Find a bigger goal.
Transcending this fear is possible. One way to do this is to identify values that express what inspires you at your core. It is essential to step outside of the fear and take responsibility for the subsequent choices. I know this is easier said than done. In another blog entry, I highlighted the Litany of Fear.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune, Herbert)
To me, this litany of fear reminds me that the fear is not real, and that if I stand through the fear, only I remain. In that moment I have an opportunity where I can make a choice that expresses my true identity.
Courage is not acting without of fear, it is acting in spite of fear. Continuing the metaphor of the game, the way out of the game of fear is to play a completely different game. The “fun” part of this process is that you get to decide what “new game” you want to play. Instead of fear, play a game of love. Or, play a game of healing, or play a game of wisdom. Every experience becomes an opportunity to express or learn something greater in your life. In other blog entries, I’ve called this “Creating your future.” This concept is not original to me, but has it’s root in viture ethics. Mark Vernon summarizes virtue ethics as:
Virtue ethics begins by asking what it is to be human, and proceeds by asking what virtues — or characteristics, habits and skills — we need in order to become all that we might be as humans. It’s much associated with the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, who discussed the meaning of friendship as a way to illustrate his approach to ethics. … The virtue ethics approach is not individualistic. It tells us that to become all we might be as humans we need others. And we need others in a number of ways. One is highlighted by Aristotle’s focus on friendship. Social animals, like ourselves, are fulfilled by being with others: we discover who we are by discovering who others are — those to whom we are connected by way of family, affection, community, and society. They shape us, and we shape them, and so we need to have a concern for them all. (Link: http://tinyurl.com/66f26ne)
Step 3: Other’s as a reflection of your goals
Our task is to define the virtues by which we want to live our life. It is done in community/connection with others. The struggle with virtue ethics is most people don’t know what they are, or are caught up in a dilemma of having to use other people’s opinions of the important virtues. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is the experience of discovering YOUR truth. My experience suggests a client is much more successful when their life that reflects their truth.
Paradoxically, others are the source of the primary values in our life. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. This is a classic psychological principle that also applies to transcending the fear. That which we are drawn to reflects an inner craving that we must address. That which we reject reflects an inner craving that we must address. Whatever we fear is an opportunity to personal growth, discovery and transformation. An open, honest and fearless examination of those reactions is necessary for this discovery. It is then that new possibilities of a transformed life become possible.
We can recognize these values by identifying various pivot points in our life (see blog date: 1/22/11) It is in these pivot points where we get a sense of something more in our life. The experience is rewarding, but isn’t always easy. Sometimes these are values that we have and want to express more; or, it may be values we don’t have and want to obtain.
Step 4: Identifying your values by completing the following assignments.
To begin this process, I give my clients a number of assignments to identify pivot points that can be useful in identifying the values in your life. This assignment will help you to start thinking about something greater in your life. Think “big” about your future. What would a “life you love” look like?. You need to step forward to identify and claim the values that you find important, the values that you will use to shape your life. What works for some people person will not necessarily work for you. We may learn from each other, but our path is uniquely our own.
• Identify three people who inspire you. These people may be real or fictional, living or dead, someone you know, or simply someone you’ve read about. For each person, identify why this person is an inspiration to you. Examine two or three values this person has expressed through their life. As you think about each person, you may start to identify themes that are important to you.
• Name three times when you experienced a sense of timelessness. Some authors describe this as “being in the flow.” In this context, “timelessness” is the experience of time passing without your awareness. Think of a young child playing outside all day. You say to the child “Come in for bed.” To the child, the day passed with a sense of timelessness. They simply were completely in the moment. Describe the settings in which you experienced timelessness, focusing on who, what, when, and where. What words do you use to summarize how these experiences inspire you?
• As you examine the individuals and experiences in your life that are important, make note of common themes, values and experiences. These themes are expressions of your experience of God in your daily life.
• After listing the themes, review each word in a dictionary or Wikipedia. Learn the depth of meaning of these words. Summarize what you learn.
Step 5: Choose
The challenge is to ask yourself, “How willing am I to do whatever it takes to express my values in living?” Our inspirations are often people who, despite their fear, choose actions that express their values. Think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Mother Theresa. They expressed their values in their daily lives to the degree that the world recognized them as inspiring. You can use your values to shape your choices in a profound way. The key questions are, “Will this behavior protect my values?” and “How do my values shape the next step for me?”
In each moment you face fear, you can succumb to fear and fall into the triangle roles of persecutor, victimizer, or rescuer, or you can choose to engage in behaviors that express your values. When you succeed, life will be amazing. And yes you will fail, and life will be amazing. Perfection is not required, but integrity to YOUR values and truth is how a person lives a life they love. Each moment is an opportunity. Choose.
Books referenced in this text.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The Illusion of Fear
I've been working on this article for the past 2-3 weeks. My thanks to David Walker at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/CoreTruth/127973567250093?ref=ts
-----
The starting place is fear. Real fear is when our existence is threatened, but most of fear doesn’t actually threaten our existence. Infrequently this fear is real, but often much of what we fear is simply made up in our thoughts and stories. This type of fear is defined as “Existential Fear.” Most of us approach much of life with a sense of existential fear. In other blog entries, I talked about the power of thought, and the importance of story. It is these thoughts and stories that reflect this existential fear.
Now the paradigm:
Consider a triangle representing fear. Each of the corners of the triangle is labeled with the following: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer (described below). When we act powered by existential fear, we act based on the paradigm of a triangle. We fall into a primary role of victim, perpetrator, or rescuer. Anytime we experience fear, we react in a primary role. This reaction is often unconscious and is seen in many of our automatic responses. It is a learned behavior that has become routine. The primary role is backed up by a secondary role. We attempt to cope with the fear by using characteristics of the primary role and the secondary role. Yes, we can still act in their third role, but most often our behavior will reflect the primary and secondary role. It should be noted that we switch these roles with amazing speed. In one instant we feel like a victim, and in the next moment, we lash out becoming a perpetrator.
The triangle seeks balance, so when we operate from a primary (and/or secondary) role, we seek out others to balance the triangle. There is always someone, or something, real or imagined in one of the roles.
A brief description of the roles and corresponding thoughts:
Victim
I am helpless
I can’t do anything
Freeze
Passive
Depression
I’m hurt
Something is done to me
Helpless
It’s my fault
Lost child
Everyone say’s “no”
I’ll do what you say.
Persecutor
It’s your problem
You fix it
Fight
Aggressive
Anger
I’ll punish you
Doing something to others
Controlling
Intimidating
It’s Your Fault
Scapegoat
You don’t know what you’re doing
Rescuer
It’s their fault
I can fix it
Flight
Passive Aggressive
Anxiety
I’ll make you feel better
Fixing something
Enabling
It’s the Persecutor’s Fault
Hero
Want to feel needed
I know what to do.
Transcending the Fear
Transcending this fear is possible. It is essential to step outside of the fear and take responsibility for the subsequent choice. I know this is easier said than done. In another blog entry, I highlighted the Litany of Fear.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune, Herbert)
To me, this litany of fear reminds me that the fear is not real, and that if I stand through the fear, only I remain. In that moment I have an opportunity where I can make a choice that expresses my true identity. One way to do this is to identify values that express what inspires you at your core.
The challenge is to ask yourself, “How willing am I to do whatever it takes to express my values in living?” Our inspirations are often people who, despite their fear, choose actions that express their values. Think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Mother Theresa. They expressed their values in their daily lives to the degree that the world recognized them as inspiring. You can use your values to shape your choices in a profound way. The key questions are, “Will this behavior protect my values?” and “How do my values shape the next step for me?”
Application of the model
Some generic examples may help. I feel a sense of fear in response to my partner. It really doesn’t matter what it is, because the surface issue simply reflects the existential fear that I bring to the conversation (see the blog entries on transference). So, in the case when I feel any fear, I can play the role of victim. I feel powerless, and in this example I might move to the secondary role of trying to placate my partner. I will do what I need to help my partner feel better so I reduce my level of fear. I could put “boss,” “friend” or any role into that space of partner. I can also put a larger phenomenon such as “culture” or “church” or society. As another generic example, I can play the role of victim, and move to the secondary role to blame my partner. I start to victimize others in response to the fear I feel.
Now some specific examples related to my work in the realm of sexuality.
First, consider a guy struggling with feelings of loneliness and rejection
• My wife just doesn’t understand me. So, since she doesn’t understand me I will use the Internet to help medicate my feelings of loneliness. When caught, I blame by partner by saying “You don’t understand me. If you were available, I wouldn’t need to go online.” These two statements reflect both the perpetrator and victim responses.
Second, consider a person who is afraid of their sexuality.
• In this case, the person might experience feelings of sadness and depression expressing the fear of rejection. In this place, they might move toward placating society by hiding sexuality or “following the rules.”
Third, consider a person having a sexual relationship outside a monogamous relationship.
• In this case, the fear of being discovered may get projected as attacks against others who engage in these behaviors. Some of the individuals with the strongest reactions to President Clinton’s behaviors with Monica Lewinsky were later found to have engaged in the same behaviors (Gingrich, Ensign). Their fear was projected as a perpetrator and later as a victim once uncovered.
-----
The starting place is fear. Real fear is when our existence is threatened, but most of fear doesn’t actually threaten our existence. Infrequently this fear is real, but often much of what we fear is simply made up in our thoughts and stories. This type of fear is defined as “Existential Fear.” Most of us approach much of life with a sense of existential fear. In other blog entries, I talked about the power of thought, and the importance of story. It is these thoughts and stories that reflect this existential fear.
Now the paradigm:
Consider a triangle representing fear. Each of the corners of the triangle is labeled with the following: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer (described below). When we act powered by existential fear, we act based on the paradigm of a triangle. We fall into a primary role of victim, perpetrator, or rescuer. Anytime we experience fear, we react in a primary role. This reaction is often unconscious and is seen in many of our automatic responses. It is a learned behavior that has become routine. The primary role is backed up by a secondary role. We attempt to cope with the fear by using characteristics of the primary role and the secondary role. Yes, we can still act in their third role, but most often our behavior will reflect the primary and secondary role. It should be noted that we switch these roles with amazing speed. In one instant we feel like a victim, and in the next moment, we lash out becoming a perpetrator.
The triangle seeks balance, so when we operate from a primary (and/or secondary) role, we seek out others to balance the triangle. There is always someone, or something, real or imagined in one of the roles.
A brief description of the roles and corresponding thoughts:
Victim
I am helpless
I can’t do anything
Freeze
Passive
Depression
I’m hurt
Something is done to me
Helpless
It’s my fault
Lost child
Everyone say’s “no”
I’ll do what you say.
Persecutor
It’s your problem
You fix it
Fight
Aggressive
Anger
I’ll punish you
Doing something to others
Controlling
Intimidating
It’s Your Fault
Scapegoat
You don’t know what you’re doing
Rescuer
It’s their fault
I can fix it
Flight
Passive Aggressive
Anxiety
I’ll make you feel better
Fixing something
Enabling
It’s the Persecutor’s Fault
Hero
Want to feel needed
I know what to do.
Transcending the Fear
Transcending this fear is possible. It is essential to step outside of the fear and take responsibility for the subsequent choice. I know this is easier said than done. In another blog entry, I highlighted the Litany of Fear.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune, Herbert)
To me, this litany of fear reminds me that the fear is not real, and that if I stand through the fear, only I remain. In that moment I have an opportunity where I can make a choice that expresses my true identity. One way to do this is to identify values that express what inspires you at your core.
The challenge is to ask yourself, “How willing am I to do whatever it takes to express my values in living?” Our inspirations are often people who, despite their fear, choose actions that express their values. Think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Mother Theresa. They expressed their values in their daily lives to the degree that the world recognized them as inspiring. You can use your values to shape your choices in a profound way. The key questions are, “Will this behavior protect my values?” and “How do my values shape the next step for me?”
Application of the model
Some generic examples may help. I feel a sense of fear in response to my partner. It really doesn’t matter what it is, because the surface issue simply reflects the existential fear that I bring to the conversation (see the blog entries on transference). So, in the case when I feel any fear, I can play the role of victim. I feel powerless, and in this example I might move to the secondary role of trying to placate my partner. I will do what I need to help my partner feel better so I reduce my level of fear. I could put “boss,” “friend” or any role into that space of partner. I can also put a larger phenomenon such as “culture” or “church” or society. As another generic example, I can play the role of victim, and move to the secondary role to blame my partner. I start to victimize others in response to the fear I feel.
Now some specific examples related to my work in the realm of sexuality.
First, consider a guy struggling with feelings of loneliness and rejection
• My wife just doesn’t understand me. So, since she doesn’t understand me I will use the Internet to help medicate my feelings of loneliness. When caught, I blame by partner by saying “You don’t understand me. If you were available, I wouldn’t need to go online.” These two statements reflect both the perpetrator and victim responses.
Second, consider a person who is afraid of their sexuality.
• In this case, the person might experience feelings of sadness and depression expressing the fear of rejection. In this place, they might move toward placating society by hiding sexuality or “following the rules.”
Third, consider a person having a sexual relationship outside a monogamous relationship.
• In this case, the fear of being discovered may get projected as attacks against others who engage in these behaviors. Some of the individuals with the strongest reactions to President Clinton’s behaviors with Monica Lewinsky were later found to have engaged in the same behaviors (Gingrich, Ensign). Their fear was projected as a perpetrator and later as a victim once uncovered.
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