Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

While working with Harry Faddis (see the 3-minute game post), he added an optional version to the 3 minute game. 

The game can be adapted (or extended) any number of ways.  For example, substitute the following phrases, or make one of your own.

Alternative version #1

Round 1: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

“What would you like to say to me?

The second person then says whatever he/she wants to say to the first person for 3 minutes starting with “I would like to say _______ (fill in the blank).”

Round 2: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

            What I would like you to say to me is ________ (fill in the blank).

The second person describes what he/she would like the first person to say. The person responding to the question can ask for anything to the person asking the question. Examples, “I want you to tell me how beautiful I am.” “I want you to tell me how ‘hot’ (or sexy, or whatever) I am.”  “I want you to tell me how much you love me.”  The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something that you want the other person to say to you. The person says these things for 3 minutes starting with “I want to say to you _______ (fill in the blank with the requested statement).

Full disclosure to others.

This exercise is a helpful template to facilitate full disclosure. Use/adapt as you both find necessary. After both you and your partner have completed the above questions, first confirm that you are both willing to go through the process. This starts with a confirmation by each of you to use the information to strengthen the relationship (and not as a reason to end the relationship). If you cannot confirm this commitment, please post pone disclosure and address the underlying issues. Clarify and negotiate a neutral setting for the disclosure to occur. Consider if you need someone there DURING disclosure: sometimes this may need to occur in a couple’s therapy session. Please make sure you schedule enough time. Pick a date that is NOT already emotionally charged (in other words, don’t do this on your way to holiday dinner with the in-laws!). Consider if you want a support person nearby or on standby.

Start by reviewing the receiving partner’s response to the questions on page 187. Use these questions to structure the discussion. Start by answering each of the questions, allowing the partner to ask clarifying questions. Remember to respond openly and honestly; a lie of omission is as damaging as a lie of commission. Take a break when necessary. Ether of you can call a timeout and/or suspend the disclosure if necessary. Identify a plan to resume the disclosure process if you call a timeout or suspend the disclosure.

After disclosure, debrief the experience. This includes asking each of you, “What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you present to? What do you need? End with a ritual to celebrate the relationship and the reaffirmed connection that occurs in disclosure. (Yes, conflict is a form of healing intimacy, see page 165). This ritual could be dinner, a walk, a date, meditation, burning the papers created to answer the questions.

4 Deadly Horseman in relationships

Dr. John Gottman is a researcher on couples therapy. He is well known and respected for his work at pinpointing factors that contribute to long-term relationships as well as behaviors that facilitate the demise of relationships. One of his metaphors that he identified was the 4 deadly horsemen in relationships; those behaviors that that bring about an end of a relationship (playing on the theme of the 4 deadly horseman of the Apocalypse, the end of the world.)

Criticism
Criticism is focusing or otherwise only seeing the negative components of a partner. We all understand the basic negative impact of negative criticism. The non-verbal forms of negative criticism are sometimes as equally difficult to address. Ever get that “look” from your partner? Assertive communication is the path out of criticism. The difference appears small, but the implication is significant.

Defensiveness
Defensiveness focuses everything on your partner’s mistakes. The defensiveness creates a barrier to admitting your own part of the conflict or struggle. This approach reflects the saying, “The best defense is a strong offense.” By avoiding your role in conflict, you project onto the partner all of the problems. Owning your behaviors, and taking responsibility for your part of the conversation is one helpful strategy.

Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to the avoidance of the partner, or passive-aggressive behaviors. In Minnesota, we call this “Minnesota Nice” where your words don’t match your attitudes/behaviors. Assertiveness is again a strategy to help you here. So too integrity is helpful, “saying what you mean and meaning what you say.” Uncovering or otherwise revealing your hidden/secret thoughts and feelings is necessary.

Contempt
Contempt is the judgment that occurs in a relationship. Much of Gottman’s research has focused on the subtleties of how contempt shows up. It usually serves to demean the individual. Finding healthy ways to address the underlying issues is important. Taking responsibility for your thoughts/feelings, as well as developing assertive ways to communicate them is necessary. Being mindful of your judgment is necessary.

If you notice any of the behaviors in your relationship, seek help. Often one of these sets of behaviors is linked with others leading to a flood of issues to be addressed. As the saying goes, the 4 deadly horsemen don’t travel alone.

Relationship Health Exercise

An exercise to help you identify strengths and weaknesses in your relationship is to graph topics on to a target.

On a LARGE piece of paper, start by drawing a target with three circles. You are essentially drawing a target that you might use for a bow/etc. The outer circle should take up the entire paper. Within that circle, center a mid-size circle. And within the middle circle, draw another smaller size circle.

The outer circle is where you will write the “red” topics (see below). They represent the concerns furthest from the “bulls-eye.” These are the topics that are most out of balance, and represent your biggest concerns in the relationship.

The middle circle represents the “yellow” topics. They are the one’s you might modify with “It depends.” The yellow topics could also represent what is getting better (a red moving toward green) or getting worse (green moving toward the red). Also, the yellow circle might represent issues you will address later. Finally, they yellow circle may represent issues that you simply never thought about before, but you recognize as important for you.

The inner circle represents the “green” topics. These are the topics that you have a lot of satisfaction with in your life. They are topics that reflect the joys, hopes and desires that are in agreement with your values and what you want.

What follows are a number of topics that you will graph into one of the circles. Chart any/all of the following as appropriate. Focus on how you perceive the topic, and not on how you think you should perceive it. This is YOUR list, not your partner’s list. Your partner will be invited to do his/her own list. If not a concern or issue, simply cross it out and leave it off the graph. Remember:

RED: Unhappy, problem, concern
YELLOW: Depends, sometimes, getting better/worse/Don’t know but should.
GREEN: Strengths, likes, happy about.

First, let’s address your frame of reference.

Your comfort in talking about sex.
Disclosing your sex history
Your cultural values regarding relationships
Your feelings of shame
Your feelings of guilt
Your sexual identity/sexual orientation
Your sexual functioning
Your sexual skills
The types of sexual contact with your partner
The frequency of sexual contact
Your safer-sex behaviors (risk for pregnancy/HIV/STI)
Your sexual compulsivity behaviors.
Your sexual avoidance behaviors
Your Alcohol Use
Your other chemical Use.
Your eating behaviors
Your spending behaviors
Your mental health diagnosis(es)
Your experience of sexual, physical or emotional abuse.
Your level of internet/technology use.
Your level of online sexual behavior
Your types of online sexual behavior.
Your body image.
Your partner’s view of your body
Your frequency of Masturbation
Your ability to engage in assertive communication
Your personal boundaries
Your Desire for intimacy
Your most important types of intimacy
The type of Touch/physical intimacy
The frequency of touch/physical intimacy.
Your ability to talk to your partner
Your spiritual values
Your religious beliefs


Next, let’s address your partner’s frame of reference. Chart YOUR view of the following. Again, this is what YOU think, not what you think your partner thinks you should think. Your partner will graph his/her perception of you.

Your partner’s comfort in talking about sex.
Disclosure of our partner’s sex history
Your partner’s cultural values regarding relationships
Your partner’s feelings of shame
Your partner’s feelings of guilt
Your partner’s sexual identity/sexual orientation
Your partner’s sexual functioning
Your partner’s sexual skills
Your partner’s desired types of sexual contact
Your partner’s desired frequency of sexual contact
Your partner’s safer-sex behaviors (risk for pregnancy/HIV/STI)
Your partner’s sexual compulsivity behaviors.
Your partner’s sexual avoidance behaviors
Your partner’s Alcohol Use
Your partner’s other chemical Use.
Your partner’s eating behaviors
Your partner’s spending behaviors
Your partner’s mental health diagnosis(es)
Your partner’s experience of sexual, physical or emotional abuse.
Your partner’s level of internet/technology use.
Your partner’s level of online sexual behavior
Your partner’s types of online sexual behavior.
Your partner’s body image.
Your partner’s view of your body.
Your partner’s frequency of Masturbation
Your partner’s ability to engage in assertive communication
Your partner’s personal boundaries
Your partner’s desire for intimacy
Your partner’s most important types of intimacy
Your partner’s type of Touch/physical intimacy
Your partner’s frequency of touch/physical intimacy.
Your partner’s ability to talk to you.
Your partner’s spiritual values
Your partner’s religious beliefs

The list is far from exhaustive (although it is long). Are there any topics you’re happy about that are not on the list? What about any topics you’re worried about, or are a major concern. Add them to your chart.


What’s next?
You can use this list to highlight treatment issues for your progress. After you complete your project, you might review your target with your partner and vice-versa. You can learn a lot about each other by recognizing similarities and differences in the perception of the topics. Discuss the areas where you are different in respectful ways. The differences may trigger additional reactions for additional therapy. By the way, where you are in agreement with positive aspects, congrats and enjoy.

Disclosure of Sexual Compulsivity to Partners

Over the last year, I've been updating the previous workbook for a new workbook to be released this summer. Here is one of the last articles that have been rewritten. Check out the website LIVINGALIFEILOVEBOOKS.COM for more information about CYBERSEX UNPLUGGEG

We recommend sharing this section with your partner sooner than later.

When a person is addressing sexual compulsive behavior, one person it impacts is the partner. For a partner, a variety of issues need to be addressed, including emotional, physical and sexual issues. It is our recommendation that the partner obtain therapy/support for himself or herself. Through individual therapy, we recommend each partner clarify his or her commitment to the future of the relationship before disclosure occurs. Coping with a partner’s disclosure has a parallel process for the partner. Treatment issues include getting information, including “understanding” the language of people in the field. Therapists and those involved in the 12-step movement often use a jargon for shorthand communication. Learning the meaning of these terms is important. As you move away from crisis/shock, it is important to stay focused on your emotional and physical health. Incidentally, family members may have access to pornography because of another member’s behavior. Addressing basic safety issues and setting boundaries to maintain safety of others is important. As you cope with your partner’s compulsive behavior, you need to identify how you will take care of yourself. It is important to identify what you need to do today, what you can do in the next month, next three months, or the next year. Partners typically may have feelings of despair, hopelessness, confusion, and anger. Additional feelings of shock, depression and grief may be present. Sometimes the individual blames himself/herself, either due to ignoring signs or simply not knowing. Part of the healing process is to gain support from professionals, peer networks (groups) and family or spiritual support.

When an individual has multiple sexual contacts, the partner is also at increased risk for HIV/STIs. It is my recommendation that you be completely open and honest about the purpose of the visit with your healthcare provider. Some providers will assume that since you are in a relationship, you are not at risk. You will need to be explicit and say, “I found out my partner has multiple sex partners and I’m worried about being infected with a sexually transmitted infection.” A partnership will need to determine safer-sex guidelines in light of the risky behaviors.

Once both individuals address their respective issues, couples therapy can facilitate the healing of the relationship. Relationship issues can include addressing blaming statements by the partner. Often there is a sense of powerlessness that comes with not knowing what to do and how to get your partner to stop the behaviors. Treatment for the individual and the partner includes clarifying what you both need and want in a relationship and assessing honestly where the current relationship is going. This is a chance for you to clarify your boundaries and develop the skills to protect those boundaries. Some partners may feel pressured by their support network to leave the relationship. Unfortunately, no guidelines are available for the decision you and your partner may need to address. Some relationships can continue while others should end. In some cases, this is an appropriate response. If you know you are not going to stay in the relationship, disclosure is not necessary. If you know you want to stay in the relationship, disclosure can occur. I will not work with couples who use the process of disclosure as ammunition against each other. In my approach, disclosure is about repairing, reconciling and taking full responsibility in order to foster an ongoing relationship.
One issue rarely addressed is the disclosure of your history to any future partners. The timing and level of detail in regard to your future disclosures are important to consider. Again, I have the bias of full disclosure. You wouldn’t necessarily avoid disclosure of a chemical addiction or health issue, and I see the issue of sexual history as similar. I also recommend working with a couple’s therapist to help you and your partner through the process.

What do you share?

After discovering that his partner was engaging in sexual behavior outside of the relationship, a client commented that coping with identity theft was easier than coping with the loss of his image of the relationship. He reported that he felt like a part of his identity was ripped away. I think the metaphor is accurate. One of the biggest issues in addressing sexual health is the question of disclosure to the partner. Not everyone agrees, but my bias is toward full disclosure or at least giving the partner the right to set how much disclosure he or she would like. I do not recommend that disclosure happen outside a couple’s therapy process. Again, we recommend sharing this with the partner sooner than later. Your treatment process is designed to help you respond to the needs of your partner as identified in this section.

Assignment
• These questions are for your partner to answer.
• Who is your primary support network? What is your plan to reach out for support when disclosure is complete?
• What work have you done to address your treatment issues triggered by the partner’s acting out behavior?
• What are your feelings and thoughts about disclosure?
• Are you committed to staying in the relationship? If not, we do not recommend disclosure. If you are ambivalent, why do you want disclosure at this time? What work do you need to complete in order to strengthen your commitment to the relationship before disclosure?
• What is your goal of disclosure?
• How much detail do you want to receive? Consider the following:
o Your partner completed a sex history and timeline? Review the questions. Which of these questions would you like answered? The sex history is very detailed (about 4 pages) and includes questions addressing frequency, intensity, consequences (legal, medical, financial), duration, location, types of behaviors, number of partners, online behaviors, etc.
o Your partner completed a timeline? Would you like to see this timeline? At what time in your partner’s history do you want him to start (Since dating? Last disclosure? Lifetime?)
o Often there are additional acting out behaviors, would you like to know about these compulsive/addictive behaviors?
o Is there any information you DON’T want disclosed to you?
o Your partner has identified a continuing care plan addressing the major high-risk situations, thinking errors, and feeling triggers related to his/her acting out behaviors. Would you like your partner to share this plan?
• Are you prepared to respond to your partner with your own disclosures? Why or why not?

The language of relationships

Much of couples therapy focuses on communication skills. A metaphor I use in working in couples therapy is based on language. Undoing the assumption that we all speak the same language is often the first place of intervention. Consider the following examples. English is the predominant language in the United States. “We all speak English” is the assumption. Yet, within the United States, words are used differently and take on special meaning as a result. Travel across the world, and different English speaking countries have different words for the same concept. For example, in the US, we use the word trunk for where we put luggage in a car on a car-trip, while in England they use the word boot. England uses the term lift to talk about elevators. Another example is the significant difference between Latin America Spanish and Castilian Spanish in Spain. Even Arabic has multiple dialects. While there are major commonalities between the dialects, important differences remain that are barriers to communication. Learning to understand and translate these differences can be helpful but difficult.

Applying the metaphor to relationships, it is important to remember that we all have different dialects of communication in relationships. These dialects are informed and shaped by the multiple cultures we belong to (age, race/ethnicity, religion, gender, etc), our family of origin, and our life history. Often there is enough commonality to be able to communicate with a partner. In my work, the majority of relationship problems are about communication problems that show up in the guise of unmet expectations and assumptions, hidden wants and needs, past hurts and pains, and hoped for joys and goals.

A classic example is around fighting. In some families, conflict is forbidden. A partner learns that anger cannot be expressed. Another partner may come from a family where conflict is resolved quickly and respectfully. When two partners come together, the dialect of conflict is an obstacle to be resolved. The resolution is often as simple as teaching each other the respective dialects. We can apply the metaphor to smaller things. The dialect around the level of cleanliness in the house comes to mind. The application of the dialect can be applied to very difficult areas, such as sexual expression, needs and values.

The difficulty in this process is much of our dialect regarding relationships is automatic and habitual. We assume everyone has the same language, mannerisms, assumptions, and expectations in a relationship that is often the source of the relationships problems. Teaching each other your individual dialects, and learning to translate your partner’s dialect is a necessary skill toward powerful and strong relationships.

Finding a relationship therapist

A few weeks ago I highlighted a few strategies for finding a sex therapist. When looking for a relationship therapist, a few adjustments to the strategies are important.

1) What is your Goal?
Before you start, to the best of your ability clarify your goal. While it might be hard to acknowledge, if you know you don’t want to stay in the relationship, be honest and up front for the sanity of everyone.

2) Provide a time commitment.
Many times the individuals in the relationship will start therapy during a rocky period. If either one of the individuals is unsure about the future of the relationship, I ask for a time commitment from both of them to discern and work on the relationship.

3) Finding Referrals
Ask your friends and current therapist for referrals for individual therapy. Not everyone has training in relationship therapy. Questions such as "Who did you see?" or "Who do you recommend?" are helpful.

4) Who is the client?
Remember that the RELATIONSHIP is the client, not the individuals. Most individual therapists will NOT do relationship therapy when working with one person of the relationship. There are appropriate exceptions, so this is not an absolute rule. Check with the therapist.

5) Put everything on the table.
During the intake session, put everything on the table. Whether it is sexual issues, insecurity, jealousy, communication, respect, or whatever, put it on the table. In my work, my 2nd and 3rd session are individual meetings with each individual of the relationship to provide an opportunity to put additional issues on the table that may be too difficult in the first session.

6) Share the secrets.
This is a bit different than #5 simply because there might be things you don’t think are related. If you engage in alternative sexual behaviors, or had a sexual contact outside the relationship, say so. In some cases, external family pressure or fertility issues might be a secret.

7) Be realistic.
I use a juggling metaphor in relationship therapy. When starting relationships therapy, there are three balls to juggle: Person A, Person B, and the Relationship. This means it is more difficult than individual therapy to create change in the relationship.

When should I get into a relationship?

I was asked a question about the right time to get in a relationship for someone who struggles with sexual compulsivity. Obviously the only answer I can give is depends. I do have some benchmarks that I want a client to consider: if you answer “no,” or “maybe” to any of the benchmarks below, I don’t think you’re ready. Ultimately it is up to the you, the client, to consider when it is the right time to get into a relationship.

Benchmarks to consider:

1) Are you aware of your acting out cycle? This requires you to understand the components of the acting out cycle, different ways you act out, and the underlying factors associated with the acting out cycle. If you don’t understand the words in this benchmark, I don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship. (An example as a HINT: You’re aware of the thinking errors and subsequent feelings of shame that result from a history of sexual abuse and how they contribute to your chemical use and/or sexual acting out.)

2) You’ve addressed the major issues contributing to the acting out cycles in #1. My workbook has a list of 22 major issues that often need to be addressed. These are listed elsewhere in the blog or at the website for the workbook. (See table of contents). While I don’t think these issues have to be completely resolved, I do recommend that you have a basic understanding of how they impact your life.

3) Do you have prevention plans to address the topics in #1? Each feeling, thinking error and high-risk situation needs a basic prevention plan.

4) Are you open to a conversation about your history with your potential partner? If you’re not willing to share your history with him/her, you risk setting up the trap of secrecy and the subsequent trust issues. Repeatedly I’ve shared that my bias is full disclosure. Timing and support (usually in couples therapy) is important at this point.

5) Are you aware of your sexual interests, relationship needs, intimacy goals, and able to communicate these to your partner? Is this sharing mutual?

6) Are you talking about all of these benchmarks with your support network and your potential partner?

While these may seem easy benchmarks to read, I know that the underlying work is substantial. Perfection isn’t required, but in the end understanding the substance of these benchmarks will help you strengthen the relationship.