You are not here by accident

We make a multitude of choices in every moment, so much so that we simply don’t recognize all of these choices in each moment. To process all these choices, the mind abbreviates, habitualizes, shortens or otherwise discards data to help smooth the process of making choices a bit easier and less overwhelming. Nevertheless, you are at where you are at as a function of all the choices you’ve made in your life.

This requires each of us to radically accept responsibility for exactly where we are at in this moment as a function of our choices. Even if bad things have occurred, our reaction is a choice. Even in loose-loose situations, you make a choice. Not to act is to make a choice.

The implication in this acceptance of responsibility is that our next moment is an opportunity of choice. Simply put, you can choose to stay in the same track, or you can choose to do something else. Yes it may be hard, yes you will fail, yes you will struggle, yes you will not know what to do, yes you will want to stop, all of which reflect a choice in the subsequent moment.

What do you choose now?

Choose.

What are you keeping secret?

In my therapy approach, I often ask, “What are you not talking about?” In my opinion, this is one warning flag associated with a possible treatment issue. If there is any historical or current event, topic, behavior or concern that a person isn’t talking about, it’s something that needs to be investigated.

Without a doubt, the key in a therapy process is the application of wisdom to discern who are your support people, as well as timing of a disclosure, etc. But, I have concerns when I hear clients say, “No one can find out.” or “I wouldn’t want _______ to know about this.” I also use those statements to help clients identify boundaries. If you say those things regarding something, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. In the end, responsibility is about taking on the ownership of your behaviors and interests and sharing them with others.

Sexual Health and Covey’s 7 Habits

My approach to sexual health integrates other helpful tools. Sometimes these tools are implicit such as the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. You can read more at Wikipedia, but a super-brief summary is here with an application to sexual health.

Habit 1: Be Proactive
Your choices are the primary determining factor for effectiveness in your life. Take responsibility for your choices and the subsequent consequences that follow. In the sexual health workbooks, I highlight this concept as assertiveness, integrity, and responsibility. You are where you are at because of choices you’ve made. It is no accident.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
Clarify your values and life goals. I ask you to think about how a sexually healthy life would look, and help you put in place the values that reflect the sexual health.

Habit 3: Put First Things First
Review and assess if your behaviors reflect your values, and move you toward your goals. This is an ongoing task. Simply working through the workbook is the first part; reviewing the progress in response in the workbook is an ongoing task.

Habit 4: Think Win-Win
Valuing and respecting people by understanding a "win" for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution. Your work in the workbook is done in the community of your support group including your partner. Sexual health isn’t a free-for-all, but sexual health may require difficult choices.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood
Talking about sexual health leads to a deeper understanding of yourself and others. Engaging in respectful conversations can create amazing intimacy, and profound transformation. Your primary source of information occurs when you understand other’s journeys are a reflection of your journey.

Habit 6: Synergize
Long-term recovery in sexual health can only be done in a network. One of the first and one of the last assignments both address developing and confirming your support network. It is often the task people avoid.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
I concur with Covey’s importance of maintaining a balanced program in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual. I obviously add a fifth area of sexuality.

Habit 8: Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs.
In a later book, Covey adds an 8th Habit. This habit isn’t too different from the 12th step. By finding your truth in sexual health, you attract and promote sexual health in others. Simply standing in your truth allows others to seek their truth.


To your good sexual health!

Yoga lessons and sexuality, day 2.

In Yoga, you’re not a victim. You can modify, stop, or further enter into the position. This is the basic premise of any position. If a certain position doesn’t work, multiple modifications are possible to make it easier or more difficult depending on your skill. The same is true if the position is untenable. In some cases, you simply stop. And yet, some of the most growth occurs by entering further into the position. As the instructor says, “breath into the movement.”

So it is in sexuality. Sometimes we need to modify or change our sexual health concerns (such as our values, beliefs, cultures), or end something (perhaps a behavior, or bad relationship), or enter into some event and see it as an opportunity (conflict, sexual expression, desires, etc).