Three Minute Game

A new piece from the workbook. 

(Harry Faddis of Easton Mountain Created this Game.  Used with permission.)

Info about Harry Faddis 

The Three Minute game is an exercise you complete with a sexual partner. It is a safe and playful way to sexually experiment with your partner. The goal is to learn to ask for what you want. It builds on the Assertive Communication exercise (page 60). We often believe we don’t have permission, or we don’t know how to ask our partner for what we want. The three minutes per turn is helpful since you can try anything for three minutes at least once. Be creative and explorative. Be the adult kid in the adult candy shop! If you don’t like it, you will have at least tried a different activity. There are two rounds, with each person having a turn in each round, for a total of 12 minutes. Determine who will go first.

Round 1: Round one has you ask your partner to do something to you.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The second person responds “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The first person responds “yes,” “no,” or “negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The first person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Round 2: Round two focuses on what you want to do to your partner.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The second person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The first person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

After you complete the two rounds, debrief with your partner. Consider what you liked, disliked, what you felt, thought or experienced. What would you do again, ask for differently, and so on.

4 Deadly Horseman in relationships

Dr. John Gottman is a researcher on couples therapy. He is well known and respected for his work at pinpointing factors that contribute to long-term relationships as well as behaviors that facilitate the demise of relationships. One of his metaphors that he identified was the 4 deadly horsemen in relationships; those behaviors that that bring about an end of a relationship (playing on the theme of the 4 deadly horseman of the Apocalypse, the end of the world.)

Criticism
Criticism is focusing or otherwise only seeing the negative components of a partner. We all understand the basic negative impact of negative criticism. The non-verbal forms of negative criticism are sometimes as equally difficult to address. Ever get that “look” from your partner? Assertive communication is the path out of criticism. The difference appears small, but the implication is significant.

Defensiveness
Defensiveness focuses everything on your partner’s mistakes. The defensiveness creates a barrier to admitting your own part of the conflict or struggle. This approach reflects the saying, “The best defense is a strong offense.” By avoiding your role in conflict, you project onto the partner all of the problems. Owning your behaviors, and taking responsibility for your part of the conversation is one helpful strategy.

Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to the avoidance of the partner, or passive-aggressive behaviors. In Minnesota, we call this “Minnesota Nice” where your words don’t match your attitudes/behaviors. Assertiveness is again a strategy to help you here. So too integrity is helpful, “saying what you mean and meaning what you say.” Uncovering or otherwise revealing your hidden/secret thoughts and feelings is necessary.

Contempt
Contempt is the judgment that occurs in a relationship. Much of Gottman’s research has focused on the subtleties of how contempt shows up. It usually serves to demean the individual. Finding healthy ways to address the underlying issues is important. Taking responsibility for your thoughts/feelings, as well as developing assertive ways to communicate them is necessary. Being mindful of your judgment is necessary.

If you notice any of the behaviors in your relationship, seek help. Often one of these sets of behaviors is linked with others leading to a flood of issues to be addressed. As the saying goes, the 4 deadly horsemen don’t travel alone.

Sexual Health and Covey’s 7 Habits

My approach to sexual health integrates other helpful tools. Sometimes these tools are implicit such as the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. You can read more at Wikipedia, but a super-brief summary is here with an application to sexual health.

Habit 1: Be Proactive
Your choices are the primary determining factor for effectiveness in your life. Take responsibility for your choices and the subsequent consequences that follow. In the sexual health workbooks, I highlight this concept as assertiveness, integrity, and responsibility. You are where you are at because of choices you’ve made. It is no accident.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
Clarify your values and life goals. I ask you to think about how a sexually healthy life would look, and help you put in place the values that reflect the sexual health.

Habit 3: Put First Things First
Review and assess if your behaviors reflect your values, and move you toward your goals. This is an ongoing task. Simply working through the workbook is the first part; reviewing the progress in response in the workbook is an ongoing task.

Habit 4: Think Win-Win
Valuing and respecting people by understanding a "win" for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution. Your work in the workbook is done in the community of your support group including your partner. Sexual health isn’t a free-for-all, but sexual health may require difficult choices.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood
Talking about sexual health leads to a deeper understanding of yourself and others. Engaging in respectful conversations can create amazing intimacy, and profound transformation. Your primary source of information occurs when you understand other’s journeys are a reflection of your journey.

Habit 6: Synergize
Long-term recovery in sexual health can only be done in a network. One of the first and one of the last assignments both address developing and confirming your support network. It is often the task people avoid.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
I concur with Covey’s importance of maintaining a balanced program in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual. I obviously add a fifth area of sexuality.

Habit 8: Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs.
In a later book, Covey adds an 8th Habit. This habit isn’t too different from the 12th step. By finding your truth in sexual health, you attract and promote sexual health in others. Simply standing in your truth allows others to seek their truth.


To your good sexual health!

Integrity and Sexual Health

Integrity (Merriam-Webster): The quality or state of being complete or undivided.

One of my major goals in fostering sexual health is to help individuals move toward integrity in the realm of sexuality. A number of important characteristics are identifiable by a person living in integrity.

1) HONESTY. You speak what you mean and you mean what you speak. In other words, if you relapse or act out, you're honest about what happened. Everyone who needs to know, knows. In terms of your sex history/timeline, everything is on the table.

2) COMPELTE. When something happens, you are completely thorough about what occurred. You actively volunteer all information versus playing a cat and mouse game about not disclosing information. Remember, your support network is on YOUR side; it isn’t a game of gothca!

3) ASSERTIVE. Ultimately, integrity requires you to speak your opinion and beliefs. If your partner, support network, group or even your therapist wants you to do something, but you don’t want to, the key is to say so and be assertive in your communication. As you finish your personal definition of sexual health, it reflects YOUR needs, wants and desires communicated to your support network.

4) BALANCE. On a philosophical level, I believe integrity reflects balance. If something feels out of wack, say so. When you ride a bicycle, for example, you know when you are in balance. The same is true for integrity. You know when you are in balance in the realm of sexuality.

5) COMMITMENT. The classic saying, “When you fall off a horse, get back on.” applies to this characteristic. Are you willing to continue doing the work when a problem occurs?

6) ENDURANCE. The going will be tough; it will require energy to keep going when you feel like giving up. When in conflict, a desire to run away is normal but endurance requires us to stay in the conversation even when anxious or fearful.



Have a question? Or an opinion? Please email or post to http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com

Assertive Communication

In the process of moving toward sexual health, it is important to develop assertiveness communication skills. Not only is this relevant to expressing thoughts and feelings but it is relevant to sexual expression. It is important to communicate with your partners what you like and need sexually. At first, this style of communication may feel artificial. It should be seen as a template and helpful tool. It is not the only way to communicate, but it is a start. There are many formulas that can be helpful in learning assertive communication. The formula I like has three parts. “I feel __________Because __________I need ___________.”

I’ve expanded this to include

I think/I feel ______(state your thought or feeling) ____

Because _______(explain what triggered the thought or feeling)______

I need/want/would like _____( express the request) ________

I expanded the formula because it allows for robust application. For example, I will often ask people what they are present to. This is my way of asking “what’s going on inside.” It may be a thought, a feeling, a memory, or trigger, connected to the current moment. The “because” is a simple explanation of the moment. It should be “short” and “sweet” and explicitly connected to the moment. Finally, it is important to explain the request. The key is to be clear, specific and measurable. Note that the expansion reflects the distinctions between “needs,” “wants” and “likes.” Too often we confuse the level of importance by our language. Someone might say, I “need” a cell phone, but the reality a need is a basic requirement. I need food, or I need to be treated with respect or I need you to stop touching me etc. To be accurate, the term that should be used is “I want” or “I would like” a cell phone.

Some pitfalls to avoid is the passive approach toward communication. A classic example is “Would you like to . . .” which is often used in place of “I would like. . .” Other dangerous forms to be avoided are “We” statements. Use “I” statements instead. Also, on the other end “You” statements are often more aggressive. “You should . . .” is better replaced “I want” or “I need.”

In applying this to concept to sexual health, being able to assertively express your requests is a significant component of sexual health. Also, setting boundaries and limits become a major related issue as well. In expressing feelings, sexual desires, assertiveness is a major skill. This is only a brief introduction to the concept. If it relevant, please follow-up with your therapist.

Examine your sexual history. How has the lack of assertiveness related to your behaviors? What is the role of thoughts in your ability to be assertive? Often, shame for example, is a belief that I’m not worth anything. If I’m not worth anything, I might be hesitant to ask for what I want and/or need. I may also fail to set limits when someone asks me to do something that I don’t want to do.

Boundaries

The purpose in this topic is to start helping you clarify what your boundaries are. This topic should be seen as a complement to the topics on sexual expression, sexual competency and assertiveness. The concept of boundaries refers to the limits we choose to have in our life. It is the process of defining what is and isn’t acceptable. Boundaries are defined by you and can vary between individuals.

Typically we talk about boundaries are healthy, rigid or blurred. Healthy boundaries are well defined, clearly communicated (see topic on assertiveness) and respectful to self and others. In clarifying healthy boundaries, we each can set the boundary as an expression of our identity. Healthy boundaries can change, but generally are stable across time and situations. Changes in boundaries will occur in response to the unique situations and/or circumstances. The environment, people, our development, and the circumstances can lead to healthy expansion or restriction of a boundary. For example, if I’m tired and lonely, a boundary may be that I won’t have sex. For the sake of the example, once I’m in a relationship, given the same circumstances I may choose to have sex with my partner because of the adult play aspect. While boundaries can change, and flexible, rapid changes in your boundaries and limits is a warning sign.

Two type of unhealthy Boundaries are blurred and rigid boundaries. They represent the opposite extremes on a continuum (with healthy boundaries in the middle). Blurred boundaries are too flexible and too changeable. With blurred boundaries, we tend to let the outside environment or other individuals dictate our beliefs, values and limits. In this situation, we may feel used, violated, exposed, and hurt. Our identity is lost. The other extreme are rigid boundaries. In the introduction to the workbook, I talked about the emphasis on rigorousness. When taken too far, rigorousness can lead to rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries often appear to be extreme stances as well. In substance abuse treatment, we talk about an all or nothing way of thinking or a take no prisoners mentality. These are two examples of rigid boundaries. The consequences of the rigid boundaries is often isolation, loneliness and judgementalism.

Boundaries can be applied to a number of settings. This brief review is provided to help you think about what your boundaries are.

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to the space around us. When I worked with children, I talked about the “bubble space” around us which intuitively helps us understand how close I can get to another person. And the concept of a bubble space affirms healthy understanding of the fact that boundaries are flexible. Depending on the circumstances, the size of the bubble space can change. For example, as the number of people in a room increases, we are more comfortable if some sits in the chair next to us as compared to when there are only two people in a room. Depending on the person, the bubble space changes. With friends and family members, our bubble space is smaller versus the amount of space with a stranger.

Emotional and intellectual boundaries

These two types of boundaries essentially reflect your right to your feelings and thoughts. As individuals, we have the right to feel and believe based on values, spirituality, education or any cultural affiliation. More so than physical boundaries, it is our emotional and intellectual boundaries that define our personality and identity. It is these boundaries that form a major basis of sexual health. They key is to examine how your boundaries will shape your sexual behaviors.

Boundary Violations

A boundary violation occurs when someone crosses the boundaries. The reasons for boundary violations are varied. It may be deliberately or accidentally. It may be done to hurt you or help you. Never ending criticism is a major violation. Reading people’s mail or email is another example. Someone telling us what we should feel or think is yet another. The importance of assertive communication helps set and maintain boundaries.

One of the things to highlight are symptoms of unhealthy boundaries as boundaries relate to sexual health. These are but examples, but highlight the impact of unhealthy boundaries.

SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

· When you don’t want sexual contact, but go along with it anyway so the person will like you.

· Saying you want to go on a date but going over to a person’s house.

· Telling someone you like to so a behavior but don’t.

· Saying you want to get together with someone but don’t’

· Using drugs in a sexual setting when you don’t want to.

· Not expressing your sexual desires or preferences with a partner and simply going along with what they want.

· Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to you

· Acting on first sexual impulse when you say you’ll wait for knowing the person first.

· Using sex to express anger or loneliness; being sexual for your partner, not yourself

· Going against personal values or rights to please others

· Not noticing when someone else shows poor boundaries

· Touching a person without asking

· Letting others tell you what you should or should do

· Letting others tell you what is and isn’t healthy sexual behavior.

· Expecting others to automatically know what you want

· Having unsafe sex when you say you wont