Three Minute Game

A new piece from the workbook. 

(Harry Faddis of Easton Mountain Created this Game.  Used with permission.)

Info about Harry Faddis 

The Three Minute game is an exercise you complete with a sexual partner. It is a safe and playful way to sexually experiment with your partner. The goal is to learn to ask for what you want. It builds on the Assertive Communication exercise (page 60). We often believe we don’t have permission, or we don’t know how to ask our partner for what we want. The three minutes per turn is helpful since you can try anything for three minutes at least once. Be creative and explorative. Be the adult kid in the adult candy shop! If you don’t like it, you will have at least tried a different activity. There are two rounds, with each person having a turn in each round, for a total of 12 minutes. Determine who will go first.

Round 1: Round one has you ask your partner to do something to you.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The second person responds “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The first person responds “yes,” “no,” or “negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The first person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Round 2: Round two focuses on what you want to do to your partner.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The second person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The first person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

After you complete the two rounds, debrief with your partner. Consider what you liked, disliked, what you felt, thought or experienced. What would you do again, ask for differently, and so on.

Disclosure in the therapy process

How to talk about therapy without talking about therapy.

In other discussions, I emphasized the importance of full disclosure. I recognize the importance, however, of full disclosure occurring in a meaningful way usually near the end of the therapy process. It is also important for some type of ongoing disclosure to occur along the way that fosters healing and trust in the relationship. Below are a few ideas on how to talk about the therapy process without getting bogged down in the details of the history. Eventually the history will be shared.

1) Both individuals in the relationship have to agree to this process. I typically meet with the client and partner near the beginning of therapy to talk the process through, and clarify the guidelines.

2) Clients are encouraged to talk about their internal process, without necessarily disclosing the content. This is where the client can share feeling statements from therapy. As an example, “I realized I fell sad which is a trigger in my acting out cycle…”

3) Clients are encouraged to talk about the “lessons learned” from therapy. For example, “Today’s topic was on intimacy, and I realize I need to develop my skills in emotional intimacy.”

4) Clients are encouraged to develop assertive communication skills to express needs, desires and requests. All behavior is goal focused, including sexual compulsivity. Identifying healthy ways to get needs meet reduces the future risk of acting out.

My experience is when the client learns how to engage in these smaller disclosures, the relationship experiences healing. Occasional intermediate sessions with the partner can foster this process. It is this healing that allows the full disclosure to occur. Yes, couples therapy will still be necessary but much of that work is helped by the ongoing disclosure.