A list of Virtues

One of the approaches I use in the treatment of sexual compulsivity is a list of virtues. See the link for a list of more than 100. Which words inspire you to learn more?

Daily Living a Life I Love

--turns out this is my 200th post.

As the saying goes, “Death by a thousand paper cuts.” Life, then, is created by a thousand moments of transformation. Living a life you live is based on a transformation of your daily life.

One of the assignments from the workbook is identifying values or virtues important in your life. These values are selected from moments where you feel inspired, reflecting on why you admire certain people, and a few additional strategies (see the blogs on pivot points, values, creating your future).

The current paradigm I emphasize is based on helping an individual make a choice between acting out or choosing something he/she finds important. Today’s blog is to also emphasize how you can cultivate the virtues on a daily basis outside of the crisis moments. The key in cultivating a life you love is to identify values to shape your behavior at all times. By cultivating these experiences on a daily basis, an individual will be able to move toward the type of life he/she desires.

For example, take the principle/virtue of courage. Courage has many definitions, and the one I like is, “Courage isn’t acting without fear, it is acting in spit of feeling fear.” This definition is helpful in shaping ALL of your behaviors moving forward. Asking yourself, “What is the courageous thing to do in this moment?” can help you overcome the small little fears in daily living. It might be as simple as assertively communicating your requests, saying yes when you mean yes, being honest about how you think/feel, being proactive (vs. passive), and a multitude of other behaviors. Courage may strangely be the opposite, depending on the circumstances. Courage might be simply waiting for the situation to naturally unfold, trusting others in their statements, or giving up control.

The value of expressing courage is to address the infinite times where you might feel the anxiety/fear/hesitation in your DAILY life. It is in the daily moments where we are fully alive. It is also the daily moments that become the building blocks for the times when we experience a major trigger/risk of relapse. The daily practice can help us respond to the larger events is a courageous manner.

Triggers as opportunities

Much of the fear in recovery is around the fear of relapse and the fear of triggers contributing to relapse. Fear is a powerful feeling. It often sets up paralysis, anxiety, and retrenchment. When faced with any fear, individuals will sometimes literally shrink physically and emotionally.

Rather than focus on the fear, I ask you to think of the triggers as opportunities. (And no, this doesn’t mean you have to search out triggers; there are enough that will simply show up in your daily journey!). As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

When faced with a trigger, implementing a pre-identified plan is always helpful (hence the continuing care plan). On a larger level, your response also gives insight into your overall worldview. You “get” the opportunity to examine how show up in the world. For example, are you hopeful? fearful? careless? planful? Are you playing a victim? Are you acting from integrity? Isolating? Or are you reaching out for support?

All of the worldviews are available when faced with a trigger. As your recovery grows, you can sometimes answer these questions in the moment. Other times it may be after the fact that you recognize the patterns in your response. Reviewing your response is a way to continue the journey in recovery.

Creating your future and Transcending the Fear

It’s always great when I find someone reading my blog. I was asked a follow-up question regarding breaking the cycle of fear described in the “Illusion of Fear” blog (dated: 1/29/11). I start with the material from the blog and expand it further.

Step 1: Don’t play the game. The fear is not real.

Remember the fear isn’t real. It may feel real, but it isn’t. Again, very little of the fear we experience is in reality. While it may hurt if someone leaves, or is angry, or doesn’t like us, or we loose our job, or whatever, our actual existence is not called into question.

If you catch yourself playing the game, stop. In this case the game is the various roles of the triangle. Simply stop. No matter how you try, you can’t win at a game of fear. I love the line for the 1980’s move Wargames, “The only winning move is not to play.”” (To watch the scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHWjlCaIrQo)

Step 2: Transcend the Fear --Find a bigger goal.

Transcending this fear is possible. One way to do this is to identify values that express what inspires you at your core. It is essential to step outside of the fear and take responsibility for the subsequent choices. I know this is easier said than done. In another blog entry, I highlighted the Litany of Fear.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. (Dune, Herbert)

To me, this litany of fear reminds me that the fear is not real, and that if I stand through the fear, only I remain. In that moment I have an opportunity where I can make a choice that expresses my true identity.

Courage is not acting without of fear, it is acting in spite of fear. Continuing the metaphor of the game, the way out of the game of fear is to play a completely different game. The “fun” part of this process is that you get to decide what “new game” you want to play. Instead of fear, play a game of love. Or, play a game of healing, or play a game of wisdom. Every experience becomes an opportunity to express or learn something greater in your life. In other blog entries, I’ve called this “Creating your future.” This concept is not original to me, but has it’s root in viture ethics. Mark Vernon summarizes virtue ethics as:

Virtue ethics begins by asking what it is to be human, and proceeds by asking what virtues — or characteristics, habits and skills — we need in order to become all that we might be as humans. It’s much associated with the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, who discussed the meaning of friendship as a way to illustrate his approach to ethics. … The virtue ethics approach is not individualistic. It tells us that to become all we might be as humans we need others. And we need others in a number of ways. One is highlighted by Aristotle’s focus on friendship. Social animals, like ourselves, are fulfilled by being with others: we discover who we are by discovering who others are — those to whom we are connected by way of family, affection, community, and society. They shape us, and we shape them, and so we need to have a concern for them all. (Link: http://tinyurl.com/66f26ne)

Step 3: Other’s as a reflection of your goals

Our task is to define the virtues by which we want to live our life. It is done in community/connection with others. The struggle with virtue ethics is most people don’t know what they are, or are caught up in a dilemma of having to use other people’s opinions of the important virtues. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is the experience of discovering YOUR truth. My experience suggests a client is much more successful when their life that reflects their truth.

Paradoxically, others are the source of the primary values in our life. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. This is a classic psychological principle that also applies to transcending the fear. That which we are drawn to reflects an inner craving that we must address. That which we reject reflects an inner craving that we must address. Whatever we fear is an opportunity to personal growth, discovery and transformation. An open, honest and fearless examination of those reactions is necessary for this discovery. It is then that new possibilities of a transformed life become possible.

We can recognize these values by identifying various pivot points in our life (see blog date: 1/22/11) It is in these pivot points where we get a sense of something more in our life. The experience is rewarding, but isn’t always easy. Sometimes these are values that we have and want to express more; or, it may be values we don’t have and want to obtain.

Step 4: Identifying your values by completing the following assignments.

To begin this process, I give my clients a number of assignments to identify pivot points that can be useful in identifying the values in your life. This assignment will help you to start thinking about something greater in your life. Think “big” about your future. What would a “life you love” look like?. You need to step forward to identify and claim the values that you find important, the values that you will use to shape your life. What works for some people person will not necessarily work for you. We may learn from each other, but our path is uniquely our own.

• Identify three people who inspire you. These people may be real or fictional, living or dead, someone you know, or simply someone you’ve read about. For each person, identify why this person is an inspiration to you. Examine two or three values this person has expressed through their life. As you think about each person, you may start to identify themes that are important to you.

• Name three times when you experienced a sense of timelessness. Some authors describe this as “being in the flow.” In this context, “timelessness” is the experience of time passing without your awareness. Think of a young child playing outside all day. You say to the child “Come in for bed.” To the child, the day passed with a sense of timelessness. They simply were completely in the moment. Describe the settings in which you experienced timelessness, focusing on who, what, when, and where. What words do you use to summarize how these experiences inspire you?

• As you examine the individuals and experiences in your life that are important, make note of common themes, values and experiences. These themes are expressions of your experience of God in your daily life.

• After listing the themes, review each word in a dictionary or Wikipedia. Learn the depth of meaning of these words. Summarize what you learn.

Step 5: Choose

The challenge is to ask yourself, “How willing am I to do whatever it takes to express my values in living?” Our inspirations are often people who, despite their fear, choose actions that express their values. Think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and Mother Theresa. They expressed their values in their daily lives to the degree that the world recognized them as inspiring. You can use your values to shape your choices in a profound way. The key questions are, “Will this behavior protect my values?” and “How do my values shape the next step for me?”

In each moment you face fear, you can succumb to fear and fall into the triangle roles of persecutor, victimizer, or rescuer, or you can choose to engage in behaviors that express your values. When you succeed, life will be amazing. And yes you will fail, and life will be amazing. Perfection is not required, but integrity to YOUR values and truth is how a person lives a life they love. Each moment is an opportunity. Choose.

Books referenced in this text.

Small Gifts and the Persistence of Recovery

My office away from my office away from my home is Bruegger's Bagels in Uptown Minnesota on Lake and Humboldt. I'm "well-known" by the staff, who often treat me like "Norm" from the sit-com "Cheers." My Diet Coke is poured and ready by the time I make it to the register! (Thanks Guys!)

While working on a presentation (which I will post on Thursday), a client I haven't seen in nearly two years stopped by out of the blue and said hi. I had heard bad things --bad relapse, bad consequences, and the like. He filled in the missing blanks and acknowledges significant recovery --the longest in a while.

I took away from the conversation two important things.

First, the power of awakening. Whether you use spirituality, 12 steps, religion, or CBT, there is a moment of choice. In that moment, I choose "A" or I choose "B." And these moments are often small (I call them pivot points), but the long-term impact is significant. I heard in his story the moment of choice. I heard in that moment a choice to live. He started to create a new future.

Second, often in my role as a clinician, I never hear about the long-term impact of my work. I am humbled to hear and accept his gratitude for our work together. When clients "disappear" I do find myself concerned; I'm also constrained that I'm not able to follow-up. The update is appreciated. In his update, I'm re-affirmed in my comment to sexual health and the work I choose to do.

Examples of Values for Creating your future

In reviewing the assignments in the workbook, I was asked to update and provide examples of certain values that could be used to shape your future behaviors. The original assignment was posted on Tuesday, August 5, 2008. The following examples are descriptive values.

Justice is often thought of as holding people accountable, sort of like a punishment. This is a start, but justice is also about restoring a sense of harmony and connectedness. Justice is more that just fairness, but also about the common good for all.

Peace is the absence of conflict, but it also includes the ideas of harmony, connectedness and common purpose. Peace also refers to a sense of internal purpose, groundedness, and a sense of internal acceptance. Within the concept of peace is a connection to justice.

Generosity is often seen as giving toward others on a monetary level. Beyond money, generosity can include giving of talent and time. Generosity also includes the concept of focusing on others and the common good. Generosity is giving someone the benefit of the doubt by interpreting comments and statements from a view toward growth versus failures.

Love often focuses on a strong emotional attachment. The English understanding of Love is based on the term “charity” which can include a sense of unconditional acceptance of another person. Much of current Christianity uses the concept of Love without fully understanding the history.

Wisdom is more than intelligence, but the application of experience with knowledge. Within the concept is a sense of integrity and groundedness. Applying wisdom creates justice. Justice can also include leading by experience.