CYBERSEX AND RECOVERY
The overlap between chemical health recovery, sexual health/sexual compulsivity and cybersex is well documented. Too often, clients and professionals don’t examine the role of the Internet as a relapse trigger for sex and drugs. This brief article provides a basic intro to addressing online behaviors.
What is Cybersex?
The term “cybersex” has become a catchall to describe a variety of computer based sex related behaviors. These behaviors can include accessing online pornography (audio, video, text), engaging in sexual chat with others, creating an avatar to engage in sexual acts or chat, using sex toys designed for the online world, or a combination of all the above. More variations of online behavior are being developed as the Internet changes.
When Does Cybersex Become Compulsivity?
It is important to understand that not everyone who engages in cybersex behavior has a problem with compulsivity. Research indicates about 85% of individuals who engage in cybersex behaviors do so without serious consequences. In thinking about your cybersex behavior and determining whether it is problematic or out of control in your life, there are two components.
Subjective – Realization that a Problem Exists
On some level you recognize your online sexual behavior is a problem. Cybersex compulsivity includes many sexual behaviors or thoughts that violate your personal values and boundaries. “I know I did something I didn’t want to do.” The vast majority of people seeking help realize they need help.
Objective – External Notification of a Problem
Some form of external feedback has presented itself to bring the situation to light. This feedback can come in the form of a legal consequence (such as an arrest), a financial consequence (such as money spent on the Internet, or termination from a job) or damage to a relationship because of the violation of boundaries. For some people, the objective component of sexual compulsivity may not always be present.
The basic premise is that you define healthy and unhealthy behaviors in dialogue with others. It will be most helpful for you to pay attention to whether there is a repetitive and consistent pattern to your behavior, and how the consequences of your behavior may be affecting your life and relationships.
Internet Sex Screening Test
One way to help determine if a behavior is problematic is to take a self administered screening test. The Internet Sex Screening Test has been taken by thousands of individuals and can be used to help gauge how problematic your online sexual behavior may be. This screening test is available at www.internetbehavior.com
Problematic Cybersex Users
Remember 85% of people don’t have a problem with online behaviors. People who exhibit problematic sexual behavior on the Internet tend to fall into one of the three groups:
Discovery Group
People in this group have no previous problem with online sex and no history of problematic offline sexual behavior. However they often begin using sex on the Internet as a recreational user and become completely carried away with online activities.
Predisposed Group
This group is made up of people who have never acted out sexually until they discovered cybersex. They might have fantasized about exposing themselves or had the urge to see a prostitute or go to a strip club. Until they discovered the world of cybersex, however, they were able to manage their fantasies and urges.
Lifelong Sexually Compulsive Group
People in this group have been involved in problematic sexual behavior throughout most of their lives. They might compulsively masturbate, compulsively use pornography, practice voyeurism or exhibitionism, or compulsively frequent strip clubs and prostitutes. For these people, cybersex simply provides a new option for acting out sexually that fits within their already existing patterns of problematic behavior.
A Primary Assignment to cope with Cybersex.
It is important to assess the specific Internet behaviors that contribute to high-risk situations, or relapse. The final assignment from the workbook follows. In this assignment, you create three circles where you address the following:
Outer Circle Are Acceptable Behaviors
These behaviors are any Internet behaviors that are healthy in your world. The key is that you have to define these behaviors. Others might provide feedback and suggestions, but in the end you MUST clarify and determine what are acceptable behaviors in YOUR world.
Middle Circle Are Cautious Behaviors
These behaviors often have a “depends” linked to them. Sometimes the same behavior at work is acceptable, but at home is unacceptable (or vice versa). Anything you can’t clarify as healthy/unhealthy, needs to go here. As appropriate, clarify the “depends” component of these behaviors as much as possible. One example was a client who could surf the Internet at home until 9 p.m. At 9 p.m., he started to get tired and moved into the trance often associated with compulsive online behaviors. Surfing the Internet until 9 was a cautious behavior, because he had to make sure his plans were in place to prevent surfing after 9 p.m.
Inner Circles are Unacceptable Behaviors
These are behaviors that you have determined are unhealthy in any and all cases. For some people, any explicit sexual online behavior at work is unhealthy. Surfing for porn at work or engaging in sexual chat conversations may fit here. Certain types of websites might fit here. The key is that YOU must agree to any behaviors that are defined as unacceptable.
Showing posts with label Cybersex Unplugged. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cybersex Unplugged. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Upcoming Trainings
March 25, 2011 New York City, New York. Realization Center. The overlap of sexual health concerns and chemical dependency. 3 hr workshop
8:30-noon
March 29, Assessment and Treatment Strategies for Cybersex Behaviors. 3 hr workshop
Location: 2110 Lyndale Ave S, Minneapolis
8:30-noon
May 5, 2011, Ft. Lauderdale, Assessment and Treatment Strategies for Cybersex Behaviors. 5 hr workshop.
To register, call Pride Fort Lauderdalte at 877-774-3346. For more info: http://www.prideinstituteflorida.com/
May 13, 2011, Atlanta, The overlap of sexual health concerns and chemical dependency. 3 hr workshop
Location: TBD
July 20, Texas Behavior Institute, The overlap of sexual health concerns and chemical dependency. 3 hr workshop
For more information: http://www.texinstitute.com/
Aug 1-7, Easton Mountain Retreat, New York. Recovery Camp Focus on Chemical Dependency and Sexual Health.
For more information: http://www.eastonmountain.com/programs/110801_recoverycamp.html
8:30-noon
March 29, Assessment and Treatment Strategies for Cybersex Behaviors. 3 hr workshop
Location: 2110 Lyndale Ave S, Minneapolis
8:30-noon
May 5, 2011, Ft. Lauderdale, Assessment and Treatment Strategies for Cybersex Behaviors. 5 hr workshop.
To register, call Pride Fort Lauderdalte at 877-774-3346. For more info: http://www.prideinstituteflorida.com/
May 13, 2011, Atlanta, The overlap of sexual health concerns and chemical dependency. 3 hr workshop
Location: TBD
July 20, Texas Behavior Institute, The overlap of sexual health concerns and chemical dependency. 3 hr workshop
For more information: http://www.texinstitute.com/
Aug 1-7, Easton Mountain Retreat, New York. Recovery Camp Focus on Chemical Dependency and Sexual Health.
For more information: http://www.eastonmountain.com/programs/110801_recoverycamp.html
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Cybersex Unplugged
Click the title to follow the link!
Yeah....It's "done" ---almost! Today I submitted the first full draft of Cybersex Unplugged to the editor! What remains is the final editing, and updating in response to editorial comments. However, the content is complete. The goal is to have the book published by the end of the year. Our goal was 6/30/10, and we only missed it by 6 months. I always underestimate the time necessary to complete these tasks.
Yeah....It's "done" ---almost! Today I submitted the first full draft of Cybersex Unplugged to the editor! What remains is the final editing, and updating in response to editorial comments. However, the content is complete. The goal is to have the book published by the end of the year. Our goal was 6/30/10, and we only missed it by 6 months. I always underestimate the time necessary to complete these tasks.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Your plan for sexual health in an electronic world
The last assignment of the up and coming workbook, Cybersex Unplugged is finished. All that remains is the editing. Coming soon!
Our final assignment is also about integration. Given the continuing care plan, it is also important to assess the specific internet behaviors that contribute to acting out situations, or otherwise cross personal boundaries. There are many variations of this assignment that follows. One way to complete this assignment is to create three circles where you address the following:
1) Inner Circle are Acceptable behaviors
These behaviors are any internet behaviors that are healthy in your world. The difficulty is that many individuals want us to tell them the answers to this question, but the key is that you have to define these. Others might provide feedback and suggestions, but in the end you MUST clarify and determine what are acceptable behaviors in YOUR world.
2) Middle Circle are Cautious behaviors
These behaviors often have a “depends” linked to them. Sometimes the same behavior at work is acceptable, but at home is unacceptable (or vice versa). Anything you can’t clarify as healthy/unhealthy, needs to go here. You might be able to use the “depends” to gain further insight into risk factors in your life. As appropriate, clarify the depends component of these behaviors as much as possible. One example was a client who could surf the internet at home until 9 pm. At 9 pm, he started to tired and moved into the trance often associated with compulsive online behaviors. Surfing the internet until 9 was cautious, because he had to make sure his plans were in place to prevent ongoing surfing after 9 pm.
3) Outer Circles are Unacceptable behaviors.
These are behaviors that you have determined are unhealthy in any and all cases. For some people, any explicit sexual online behavior at work is unhealthy. Surfing for porn or engaging in sexual chat conversations may fit here. Certain types of websites might fit here. The key is that YOU must agree to any behaviors that are defined as unacceptable.
Behaviors to consider include the following. It is also important to link these behaviors to any qualifiers.
• What devices can you use to access the internet (think computers, smart phones, iPads, etc.).
• How frequently can you use the internet? Can you use it for sexual content? Where can you access the internet (work, home, friends, relatives)?
• Who is with you, as appropriate?
• What types of websites are acceptable? Think typical web sites such as banks, but also a typical hookup site?
• What types of online sexual activity could be explored online,(e.g., certain ethnicities, feet, animals, diapers…)?
• Identify if engaging in sexually charged chat, online relationships, virtual sex, exhibitionism or voyeurism online?
• What email accounts can you use?
• Using the internet to arrange real-time hook ups.
• Posting online erotic or sexual pictures/videos of yourself or others (including via webcam).
• Masturbating to online sexual materials or activities?
• Have you ever used a sex toy that connects to your computer while online?
• What other sexual activities have you engaged while online that would be important to review?
Our final assignment is also about integration. Given the continuing care plan, it is also important to assess the specific internet behaviors that contribute to acting out situations, or otherwise cross personal boundaries. There are many variations of this assignment that follows. One way to complete this assignment is to create three circles where you address the following:
1) Inner Circle are Acceptable behaviors
These behaviors are any internet behaviors that are healthy in your world. The difficulty is that many individuals want us to tell them the answers to this question, but the key is that you have to define these. Others might provide feedback and suggestions, but in the end you MUST clarify and determine what are acceptable behaviors in YOUR world.
2) Middle Circle are Cautious behaviors
These behaviors often have a “depends” linked to them. Sometimes the same behavior at work is acceptable, but at home is unacceptable (or vice versa). Anything you can’t clarify as healthy/unhealthy, needs to go here. You might be able to use the “depends” to gain further insight into risk factors in your life. As appropriate, clarify the depends component of these behaviors as much as possible. One example was a client who could surf the internet at home until 9 pm. At 9 pm, he started to tired and moved into the trance often associated with compulsive online behaviors. Surfing the internet until 9 was cautious, because he had to make sure his plans were in place to prevent ongoing surfing after 9 pm.
3) Outer Circles are Unacceptable behaviors.
These are behaviors that you have determined are unhealthy in any and all cases. For some people, any explicit sexual online behavior at work is unhealthy. Surfing for porn or engaging in sexual chat conversations may fit here. Certain types of websites might fit here. The key is that YOU must agree to any behaviors that are defined as unacceptable.
Behaviors to consider include the following. It is also important to link these behaviors to any qualifiers.
• What devices can you use to access the internet (think computers, smart phones, iPads, etc.).
• How frequently can you use the internet? Can you use it for sexual content? Where can you access the internet (work, home, friends, relatives)?
• Who is with you, as appropriate?
• What types of websites are acceptable? Think typical web sites such as banks, but also a typical hookup site?
• What types of online sexual activity could be explored online,(e.g., certain ethnicities, feet, animals, diapers…)?
• Identify if engaging in sexually charged chat, online relationships, virtual sex, exhibitionism or voyeurism online?
• What email accounts can you use?
• Using the internet to arrange real-time hook ups.
• Posting online erotic or sexual pictures/videos of yourself or others (including via webcam).
• Masturbating to online sexual materials or activities?
• Have you ever used a sex toy that connects to your computer while online?
• What other sexual activities have you engaged while online that would be important to review?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Introduction to Cybersex Unplugged
We're getting close! Yes, progress is being made. An updated rough draft of the introduction to the new CYBERSEX UNPLUGGED. See LIVINGALIFEILOVEBOOKS.COM
Does anyone track what I’m doing online? We all wonder who knows what we do online. How do I hide what I’m doing from my partner? OMG, did she see what I was doing? I hope the person on the other side is as hot as they say they are. I get so tired of the online games. I’m only online because I can’t have sex with my partner. Boy that chat was great; is that cheating? I’d like to have sex with that person in the video. Is that pic legal?
We’ve all heard the stories of people getting caught doing online sexual stuff. Someone was fired, a relationship ended, a fight ensued, or someone was arrested. Perhaps one of the stories people talk about is you? Perhaps your just the next person they’ll talk about if you don’t stop what your doing.
This workbook resulted from conversations with individuals who struggle with their online sexual behavior. The consensus from these individuals and their therapists was a current workbook addressing the common issues for cybersex compulsivity was needed.
This book builds on our experience to focus on the nuances of Internet sexual compulsivity. We break down the complex elements into what we think are basic issues to addressed. We also highlight what we think are issues unique to cybersex including topics such as: psychology of the Internet, cybersex user categories, and understanding, assessing, and managing your Internet use. These topics highlight the nuances of cybersex. Sadly, not much research has been done in this area. Very little is truly known. Still, the three of us represent over 50 years of clinical and research work. Much of what we do write is based on our clinical experiences, research on related topics that we find are helpful in addressing cybersex, and in all honesty a bit of a “guess.” We hope you find this workbook useful as you strive to find sexual health in an electronic world.
This workbook focuses on cybersex; as such it is limited to cybersex. We believe cybersex is a subset of a larger field of sexual compulsivity. This workbook is not meant to address the larger topic of classic sexual compulsivity that is broad, with a variety of factors and addressed in the first book by Dr. Edwards (Living a Life I Love).
Does anyone track what I’m doing online? We all wonder who knows what we do online. How do I hide what I’m doing from my partner? OMG, did she see what I was doing? I hope the person on the other side is as hot as they say they are. I get so tired of the online games. I’m only online because I can’t have sex with my partner. Boy that chat was great; is that cheating? I’d like to have sex with that person in the video. Is that pic legal?
We’ve all heard the stories of people getting caught doing online sexual stuff. Someone was fired, a relationship ended, a fight ensued, or someone was arrested. Perhaps one of the stories people talk about is you? Perhaps your just the next person they’ll talk about if you don’t stop what your doing.
This workbook resulted from conversations with individuals who struggle with their online sexual behavior. The consensus from these individuals and their therapists was a current workbook addressing the common issues for cybersex compulsivity was needed.
This book builds on our experience to focus on the nuances of Internet sexual compulsivity. We break down the complex elements into what we think are basic issues to addressed. We also highlight what we think are issues unique to cybersex including topics such as: psychology of the Internet, cybersex user categories, and understanding, assessing, and managing your Internet use. These topics highlight the nuances of cybersex. Sadly, not much research has been done in this area. Very little is truly known. Still, the three of us represent over 50 years of clinical and research work. Much of what we do write is based on our clinical experiences, research on related topics that we find are helpful in addressing cybersex, and in all honesty a bit of a “guess.” We hope you find this workbook useful as you strive to find sexual health in an electronic world.
This workbook focuses on cybersex; as such it is limited to cybersex. We believe cybersex is a subset of a larger field of sexual compulsivity. This workbook is not meant to address the larger topic of classic sexual compulsivity that is broad, with a variety of factors and addressed in the first book by Dr. Edwards (Living a Life I Love).
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