One component of sexual health is body image. One critique of sexually explicit material is that it sets unrealistic expectations for men and women regarding body image as well as genital image. Without a doubt, mainstream American culture worships the perfect body and sets unrealistic expectations for both men and women.
Researchers continue to examine contributing factors to struggles regarding body image. Research suggests that a person’s self-image is linked to the partner’s response. As one could guess, individual who struggle with body image issues have a better response to treatment progress with the support of a primary romantic partner. Individuals who receive this support have less stress and anxiety. Negative reactions from partners led to increased struggles with body image.
There are three implications that I think are important. First, for individuals who struggle with body image issues, the key is to gain support from the primary partner. Second, if the partner isn’t supportive, I think it is important to address the negative impact of the partner’s behavior. As you could guess, hearing “Your fat.” isn’t going to help individuals address body image. Third, as one could guess, partners are also pummeled by the same cultural messages. Partners may need training and education as well as feedback regarding providing the necessary support.
Much of this appears to be common sense. Explicit positive and negative messages about a person’s body can easily be recognized for the. The difficulty, however, lies is recognizing implicit, hidden, or subtle positive and/or negative messages. For individuals struggling with sexual health concerns, assessing the messages is important.
Reference:
Weller, J & Dziegielewski S. (2004) The Relationship Between Romantic Partner Support Styles and Body Image Disturbance Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 10(2) DOI: 10.1300/J137v10n02_04
Showing posts with label partners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label partners. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Disclosure of Sexual Compulsivity to Partners
Over the last year, I've been updating the previous workbook for a new workbook to be released this summer. Here is one of the last articles that have been rewritten. Check out the website LIVINGALIFEILOVEBOOKS.COM for more information about CYBERSEX UNPLUGGEG
We recommend sharing this section with your partner sooner than later.
When a person is addressing sexual compulsive behavior, one person it impacts is the partner. For a partner, a variety of issues need to be addressed, including emotional, physical and sexual issues. It is our recommendation that the partner obtain therapy/support for himself or herself. Through individual therapy, we recommend each partner clarify his or her commitment to the future of the relationship before disclosure occurs. Coping with a partner’s disclosure has a parallel process for the partner. Treatment issues include getting information, including “understanding” the language of people in the field. Therapists and those involved in the 12-step movement often use a jargon for shorthand communication. Learning the meaning of these terms is important. As you move away from crisis/shock, it is important to stay focused on your emotional and physical health. Incidentally, family members may have access to pornography because of another member’s behavior. Addressing basic safety issues and setting boundaries to maintain safety of others is important. As you cope with your partner’s compulsive behavior, you need to identify how you will take care of yourself. It is important to identify what you need to do today, what you can do in the next month, next three months, or the next year. Partners typically may have feelings of despair, hopelessness, confusion, and anger. Additional feelings of shock, depression and grief may be present. Sometimes the individual blames himself/herself, either due to ignoring signs or simply not knowing. Part of the healing process is to gain support from professionals, peer networks (groups) and family or spiritual support.
When an individual has multiple sexual contacts, the partner is also at increased risk for HIV/STIs. It is my recommendation that you be completely open and honest about the purpose of the visit with your healthcare provider. Some providers will assume that since you are in a relationship, you are not at risk. You will need to be explicit and say, “I found out my partner has multiple sex partners and I’m worried about being infected with a sexually transmitted infection.” A partnership will need to determine safer-sex guidelines in light of the risky behaviors.
Once both individuals address their respective issues, couples therapy can facilitate the healing of the relationship. Relationship issues can include addressing blaming statements by the partner. Often there is a sense of powerlessness that comes with not knowing what to do and how to get your partner to stop the behaviors. Treatment for the individual and the partner includes clarifying what you both need and want in a relationship and assessing honestly where the current relationship is going. This is a chance for you to clarify your boundaries and develop the skills to protect those boundaries. Some partners may feel pressured by their support network to leave the relationship. Unfortunately, no guidelines are available for the decision you and your partner may need to address. Some relationships can continue while others should end. In some cases, this is an appropriate response. If you know you are not going to stay in the relationship, disclosure is not necessary. If you know you want to stay in the relationship, disclosure can occur. I will not work with couples who use the process of disclosure as ammunition against each other. In my approach, disclosure is about repairing, reconciling and taking full responsibility in order to foster an ongoing relationship.
One issue rarely addressed is the disclosure of your history to any future partners. The timing and level of detail in regard to your future disclosures are important to consider. Again, I have the bias of full disclosure. You wouldn’t necessarily avoid disclosure of a chemical addiction or health issue, and I see the issue of sexual history as similar. I also recommend working with a couple’s therapist to help you and your partner through the process.
What do you share?
After discovering that his partner was engaging in sexual behavior outside of the relationship, a client commented that coping with identity theft was easier than coping with the loss of his image of the relationship. He reported that he felt like a part of his identity was ripped away. I think the metaphor is accurate. One of the biggest issues in addressing sexual health is the question of disclosure to the partner. Not everyone agrees, but my bias is toward full disclosure or at least giving the partner the right to set how much disclosure he or she would like. I do not recommend that disclosure happen outside a couple’s therapy process. Again, we recommend sharing this with the partner sooner than later. Your treatment process is designed to help you respond to the needs of your partner as identified in this section.
Assignment
• These questions are for your partner to answer.
• Who is your primary support network? What is your plan to reach out for support when disclosure is complete?
• What work have you done to address your treatment issues triggered by the partner’s acting out behavior?
• What are your feelings and thoughts about disclosure?
• Are you committed to staying in the relationship? If not, we do not recommend disclosure. If you are ambivalent, why do you want disclosure at this time? What work do you need to complete in order to strengthen your commitment to the relationship before disclosure?
• What is your goal of disclosure?
• How much detail do you want to receive? Consider the following:
o Your partner completed a sex history and timeline? Review the questions. Which of these questions would you like answered? The sex history is very detailed (about 4 pages) and includes questions addressing frequency, intensity, consequences (legal, medical, financial), duration, location, types of behaviors, number of partners, online behaviors, etc.
o Your partner completed a timeline? Would you like to see this timeline? At what time in your partner’s history do you want him to start (Since dating? Last disclosure? Lifetime?)
o Often there are additional acting out behaviors, would you like to know about these compulsive/addictive behaviors?
o Is there any information you DON’T want disclosed to you?
o Your partner has identified a continuing care plan addressing the major high-risk situations, thinking errors, and feeling triggers related to his/her acting out behaviors. Would you like your partner to share this plan?
• Are you prepared to respond to your partner with your own disclosures? Why or why not?
We recommend sharing this section with your partner sooner than later.
When a person is addressing sexual compulsive behavior, one person it impacts is the partner. For a partner, a variety of issues need to be addressed, including emotional, physical and sexual issues. It is our recommendation that the partner obtain therapy/support for himself or herself. Through individual therapy, we recommend each partner clarify his or her commitment to the future of the relationship before disclosure occurs. Coping with a partner’s disclosure has a parallel process for the partner. Treatment issues include getting information, including “understanding” the language of people in the field. Therapists and those involved in the 12-step movement often use a jargon for shorthand communication. Learning the meaning of these terms is important. As you move away from crisis/shock, it is important to stay focused on your emotional and physical health. Incidentally, family members may have access to pornography because of another member’s behavior. Addressing basic safety issues and setting boundaries to maintain safety of others is important. As you cope with your partner’s compulsive behavior, you need to identify how you will take care of yourself. It is important to identify what you need to do today, what you can do in the next month, next three months, or the next year. Partners typically may have feelings of despair, hopelessness, confusion, and anger. Additional feelings of shock, depression and grief may be present. Sometimes the individual blames himself/herself, either due to ignoring signs or simply not knowing. Part of the healing process is to gain support from professionals, peer networks (groups) and family or spiritual support.
When an individual has multiple sexual contacts, the partner is also at increased risk for HIV/STIs. It is my recommendation that you be completely open and honest about the purpose of the visit with your healthcare provider. Some providers will assume that since you are in a relationship, you are not at risk. You will need to be explicit and say, “I found out my partner has multiple sex partners and I’m worried about being infected with a sexually transmitted infection.” A partnership will need to determine safer-sex guidelines in light of the risky behaviors.
Once both individuals address their respective issues, couples therapy can facilitate the healing of the relationship. Relationship issues can include addressing blaming statements by the partner. Often there is a sense of powerlessness that comes with not knowing what to do and how to get your partner to stop the behaviors. Treatment for the individual and the partner includes clarifying what you both need and want in a relationship and assessing honestly where the current relationship is going. This is a chance for you to clarify your boundaries and develop the skills to protect those boundaries. Some partners may feel pressured by their support network to leave the relationship. Unfortunately, no guidelines are available for the decision you and your partner may need to address. Some relationships can continue while others should end. In some cases, this is an appropriate response. If you know you are not going to stay in the relationship, disclosure is not necessary. If you know you want to stay in the relationship, disclosure can occur. I will not work with couples who use the process of disclosure as ammunition against each other. In my approach, disclosure is about repairing, reconciling and taking full responsibility in order to foster an ongoing relationship.
One issue rarely addressed is the disclosure of your history to any future partners. The timing and level of detail in regard to your future disclosures are important to consider. Again, I have the bias of full disclosure. You wouldn’t necessarily avoid disclosure of a chemical addiction or health issue, and I see the issue of sexual history as similar. I also recommend working with a couple’s therapist to help you and your partner through the process.
What do you share?
After discovering that his partner was engaging in sexual behavior outside of the relationship, a client commented that coping with identity theft was easier than coping with the loss of his image of the relationship. He reported that he felt like a part of his identity was ripped away. I think the metaphor is accurate. One of the biggest issues in addressing sexual health is the question of disclosure to the partner. Not everyone agrees, but my bias is toward full disclosure or at least giving the partner the right to set how much disclosure he or she would like. I do not recommend that disclosure happen outside a couple’s therapy process. Again, we recommend sharing this with the partner sooner than later. Your treatment process is designed to help you respond to the needs of your partner as identified in this section.
Assignment
• These questions are for your partner to answer.
• Who is your primary support network? What is your plan to reach out for support when disclosure is complete?
• What work have you done to address your treatment issues triggered by the partner’s acting out behavior?
• What are your feelings and thoughts about disclosure?
• Are you committed to staying in the relationship? If not, we do not recommend disclosure. If you are ambivalent, why do you want disclosure at this time? What work do you need to complete in order to strengthen your commitment to the relationship before disclosure?
• What is your goal of disclosure?
• How much detail do you want to receive? Consider the following:
o Your partner completed a sex history and timeline? Review the questions. Which of these questions would you like answered? The sex history is very detailed (about 4 pages) and includes questions addressing frequency, intensity, consequences (legal, medical, financial), duration, location, types of behaviors, number of partners, online behaviors, etc.
o Your partner completed a timeline? Would you like to see this timeline? At what time in your partner’s history do you want him to start (Since dating? Last disclosure? Lifetime?)
o Often there are additional acting out behaviors, would you like to know about these compulsive/addictive behaviors?
o Is there any information you DON’T want disclosed to you?
o Your partner has identified a continuing care plan addressing the major high-risk situations, thinking errors, and feeling triggers related to his/her acting out behaviors. Would you like your partner to share this plan?
• Are you prepared to respond to your partner with your own disclosures? Why or why not?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Partners of individuals struggling with sexual compulsivity
As a new blog, it is important to recognize a gift when something occurs. Today, I received such a gift via a phone call from a woman who is the partner of a person with sexual compulsivity. (The gift is that her struggle became today’s topic. As a resource, my goal is to respond to particular needs. Feel free to suggest topics and review the list of upcoming topics.) “Jill” (not her real name) is struggling with a partner in denial about his behavior. She is frustrated, angry and confused about what to do. In our conversation, my assessment is that she came across as assertive in her search for information on how she can cope with his behavior. To a degree, she knows what she wants and needs to do. Her goal is find information in her journey to facilitate the process and avoid obstacles. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find much information.
After completing a search, I agree with Jill that there is very little information. A few books exist, but not much is written about it from a scholarly point of view. One author that I found (Tripodi) affirms that little information exists. Tripodi’s experience is a good place to start understanding the experience of the individual whose partner is caught in the compulsive cycle. I summarize her findings here.
Tripodi highlights that it is typical to experience feelings of despair, hopelessness, confusion anger and sadness. The powerlessness that comes with not knowing what to do and how to get your partner to stop the behaviors is to be expected. Various forms of denial may occur. These forms may be blaming yourself, turning the other cheek, buying into the partner’s commitment to change by “giving him one more chance.” Eventually, the denial strategies fail, and the individual is faced with responding to the partner’s behavior. In some cases, the individual isn’t in denial; rather, he or she simply doesn’t know until some type of disclosure occurs by the partner that there is a pattern of compulsive behavior. I do disagree with Tripodi’s statement that the underlying theme in “all cases” (yes, her word, page 5) is the lack of a developed self leads to the individual undermining and second guessing themselves. In my opinion, this is the same as blaming the rape victim for being raped. In many, if not most cases, this theme might be present; in other cases it is absent particularly when the individual is unaware of the compulsive behavior and disclosure occurs unexpectedly. One such example is when the individual received a positive result for an HIV/STD test which requires a follow-up with the partner who then discloses a history and pattern of compulsive behavior.
While much of the blog will focus on treatment for the individual with sexual compulsivity, this entry is to address treatment issues for the partner. The following issues need to be addressed in your support network. Many times, they will need to be addressed more than once as future disclosures occur or choices made in response to the behaviors. I like Tripodi’s paradigm of early, middle and final phases of treatment. They parallel the stages of treatment that I use. I provide a summary of the issues to be addressed in treatment for the spouse.- Need for support. This can be through professional help, peer network (groups), family and spiritual. Feelings of shock, confusion, anger, hurt, sadness, depression and grief are but a few of the emotions that an individual will face.
- Need for information. The phone call from Jill reflects this need. She was seeking information on where to get support, who and what she needs to do to take care of herself, etc. What she and later I discovered, is there isn’t a lot of information available. Increasing familiarity with the language is also part of this goal. Those in the 12-step movement and therapists often use a jargon for short hand communication. Learning what these terms mean is important.
- Medical Health. When a partner has multiple sexual contacts, the individual is at increased risk for HIV/STIs. Tripodi recommends that the individual seek medical attention to assess any possible problems. It is my recommendation that you be completely open and honest about the purpose of the visit with your health care provider. Some providers will assume that since you are in a relationship, you’re not at risk. You will need to be explicit and say “I found out my partner has multiple sex partners and I’m worried about being infected with a sexually transmitted illness (STI).”
- Safety for Family. Sexual compulsivity is not the same as pedophilia. However, as Tripodi states, family members may have access to pornography. Setting boundaries to maintain safety of others is important.
- Triage. Identify what needs to be done today, and what can be done in one month, three months, or 1 year. Unfortunately, no guidelines are availabe. Tripodi identified how individuals may be pressured to leave the relationship. If possible, I recommend that you wait a period of time (the length of which, you decide) where you focus on the immediate concerns. This suggestion, however, is mute if your safety is at immediate risk.
- Focus on the self. As you move away from crisis/shock, it is important to stay focused on your emotional and physical health. As you cope with the partner’s compulsive behavior, you need to identify what you need to do for your self-care. This includes addressing the shadow aspects of your personality. It also includes clarifying what you need and want in a relationship and an honest assessment of where the current relationship is going. Some relationships can be saved, some should end. This is a chance for you to clarify your boundaries and develop the skills to enforce those boundaries.
- Life Purpose. Near the end of the treatment, it is important for you to step back and review where/how/what you want in life. This may mean developing the skills for new employment, coping with divorce, or reestablishing intimacy with your partner. Each goal will require different interventions.
The seven areas are great places to start. I’ve included additional references below to also help you in your journey. Good luck to Jill and to others in a similar spot.
Weston
Academic Resources:
Tripodi, C. (2006) Long Term Treatment of Partners of Sex Addicts: A Multi-Phase Approach. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13, 269-288.
Book Resources:
Schneider, J. (2005) Back From Betrayal, Third Edition, Chapin
Mellody, P., Wells-Miller, A., Miller, J. Keith (2003) Facing Co Dependency. HarperOne
Mellody, P., Wells-Miller, A., Miller, J. Keith (2003) Facing Love Addiction. HarperOne
Web Resources
Sex Addicts Recovery Resources http://www.sarr.org/coaddicts/default.htm
Support Groups
Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous (COSA) http://www.cosa-recovery.org/
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