Intimacy Wheel of Life

Today I worked with a tool labeled “The Wheel of Life.” It is essentially a pie chart that has a number of content areas such as financial, relationship, work, recreation, etc. The questions to ponder are about helping any one of us move a good life to a great life. After reviewing the Wheel of Life, I immediately thought of two additional versions/adaptions. First, I thought of the Sexual Health Wheel. I’ll save that idea for a future blog. The other one was the Intimacy Wheel. Here are the 12 types of intimacy based on a model I like.

1. Recreational intimacy (sharing fun, hobbies, recreation; leisure; refills my wells of energy)

2. Intellectual intimacy (sharing the world of ideas; a genuine touching of persons based on mutual respect for each other’s minds; e.g., reading, discussing, studying, learning)

3. Work intimacy (sharing common tasks, supporting each other in bearing responsibilities
e.g., raising family, house, yard chores)

4. Commitment intimacy (togetherness derived from dedication to a common cause; values; e.g., Working together for a political cause)

5. Aesthetic intimacy (sharing experiences of beauty; e.g., music, nature, art, theater)

6. Communication intimacy (being honest, trusting, truthful, loving; giving constructive feedback)

7. Emotional intimacy (sharing of significant feelings; touching of the innermost selves)

8. Creative intimacy (helping each other to grow, to be co-creators, not “reformers” of each other)

9. Sexual intimacy (sensual emotional satisfaction, experience of sharing and self-abandon in the physical merging of two persons, fantasies & desires)

10. Crisis intimacy (standing together in the major and minor tragedies of life; closeness in pain and
problems)

11. Spiritual intimacy (the Awe-ness of sharing intimate concerns, the meanings of life, philosophies and religious experience)

12. Conflict intimacy (standing up with/to each other; facing and struggling with differences together; ”fighting”

Answer the following questions

1) Rank each one on a 1-10 point scale. 1 Means you are not satisfied at all in this area. 10 Means you are completely satisfied in this area of intimacy.
2) As you look at the list, reflect on what you notice.
3) Pick one area that has the biggest energy or attraction for you. This should be the one that will have the biggest impact in your life if it was to improve dramatically. Avoiding picking the one you think you “should” pick, but the one that speaks to you.
4) Think about what would make this area a 10? (If you’re completely satisfied (already a 10), what would make it an 11?)
5) List 2-3 ideas that you could do to bring the 10 closer?
6) What is one of the things (or part of a thing) that you are willing to do this week?

The Reverse-Golden-Rule

We’ve all heard about the Golden-Rule: Treat other people as you would like to be treated. Pretty straight forward and most people get it.

Have you ever heard of the “Reverse Golden-Rule?” It simply states: Treat yourself the way you would treat others.

Many times in recovery, clients treat themselves so poorly that I’m bothered by the way they treat themselves. These individuals emotionally berate themselves, sometimes even expressing the self-hate and shame out loud. Statements such as “I’m so stupid, I’m a F***-up, and I deserve SH**” are not uncommon. When I hear this, I simply ask, “Would you treat others the way you treat yourself? Almost always, the response is No. Hence the Reverse-Golden-Rule: Treat yourself the way you would treat others. For individuals early in recovery, this is the only way to learn self-care, self-respect, and self-love. It isn’t the end of treatment, but it’s a start.

Be Gentle with yourself!

Weston



Have a question or topic of interest? Please email or post.

Part two of the intimacy series.

"I read your article on types of intimacy and that's all well and good, but what I need to know you didn't cover. I know what I'm looking for but how do I actually find guys who like the same things?"

The short answer is get busy in the activities you enjoy. Guys with similar interests will naturally attract each other. Looking for a specific type of intimacy in the wrong place will leave you disappointed, bitter and jaded. Be honest with yourself.

How often are you going to bars or spending time online when these aren’t the best places to get your intimacy needs met? Are you willing to do the work you need to do to get your needs met? The following suggestions are just a starting place and by no means a complete list. By the way, you also need to put yourself out there by introducing yourself and talking to people versus simply showing up!

Emotional intimacy is the sharing of significant experiences and feelings.

* Find a support group. Pick a topic that is important in your life such as AA or other another 12-step group. For some people, a coming out group may be helpful. A wide range of topics exist that may fit your individual concerns.
* Examine your life events through therapy that hinders your ability to be in a relationship. These issues might be grief, abuse, and/or fear.
* Read Self Help Book. Believe it or not, the general series “_______ for Dummies” does a pretty good job introducing the reader to the basics on any give topic. I use the “Anxiety for Dummies” a lot in my practice.
* Appropriately share you inner thoughts, feelings, desires and needs with other people in your life.

Sexual intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. It's also talking about the deepest and darkest sexual secrets.

* Attend a workshop on sexuality (for example Body Electric)
* Share your fantasies with your partner.
* Strategize with your partner about how to make a part or all of a fantasy come true (within the rules of your relationship).
* Read a book on sexuality (New Joy of Gay Sex) and share with your partner what you liked and disliked.

Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing ideas.

* Take a class. Check out community colleges, local art groups and area newspapers for classes that may interest you.
* Teach a course.
* Join a book club.
* Join a listserv on a topic of your choice.

Aesthetic intimacy relates to experiences of beauty.

* Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, so what do you find beautiful? After you've figured it out, seek it out.
* If you like art, some natural ideas are to visit a museum, art space, play or movie.
* Love nature? Check out local hiking or outdoor groups to join.
* Missed your shot at American Idol? How about joining a local gay men's chorus?
* Traditional art not your thing? Walk through your city and photograph graffiti you find interesting.

Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared discovery.

* Bring a friend with you to any activity on this list.
* Join an art class.
* Read a book on “possibility”, such as the “Power of Now” by Eckhart Toll.

Recreational intimacy refers to the experience of play.

* Go to the gym, walk or physical activity.
* Find a club/group to join. (For example, most cities have hobby groups such as bowling or volleyball.) Do what you enjoy regardless of what others think. You might be surprise how many share your interests.

Work intimacy occurs in the sharing of tasks.

* Volunteer for work events/tasks. Join a committee at work.
* Talk with your co-workers about what is going on. Ask them what they did last night or over the weekend. Start sharing the basics with them as well.
* Volunteer with organizations or events that are close to your heart. This could be community activities like a Pride Festival or a political organization.

Crisis intimacy occurs as a result of major and minor tragedies.

* Volunteer for whatever jobs need to be done. This could include rescue, food drives and clean-up.
* Learn from the crisis to develop future plans.

Commitment intimacy is the experience of hope and possibility in response to addressing an issue, cause or event bigger than one person.

* Identify a cause/value that means something to you. Once you do that volunteer your time, talent or treasure to it.

Spiritual intimacy develops through sharing the values, meaning for life, and the core of our being.

* Join a church. Many traditional churches have gay-affirming components. There are also many gay churches to join, such as Metropolitan Community Church.
* Join a 12-step group. This could be AA but it might also be a 12-step group for partners of AA, Sexaholics, debtors, eating, and even “Emotions Anonymous.”
* Read/join an online group that discusses life values

Communication intimacy is the process of full disclosure with another person.

* Simply say what you mean, and mean what you say. Too often an individual will say what they think the other person wants to hear.
* Learn how to be present and listen to other people by attending a listening training program.

Conflict intimacy is the process of connecting, and facing and struggling with differences with others.

* Recognize that healthy fighting is a normal part of a relationship
* Learn how to fight in healthy ways by reading a book on conflict management/resolution such as “The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution.”
* Attend an anger management course.
* Attend a problem-solving course or reading material online.
* Attend an assertiveness training program.

Intimacy doesn't only mean sex.

"Dear Dr. Edwards,
It seems sex has become an overwhelming preoccupation. How important is it and why? It appears sex is not viewed as an expression of love but has become a tool for self-satisfaction (me,me,me)?"

My whole reason for writing articles is to get people talking with their partners, friends, and family (yes, family as appropriate!). So I was thrilled with the number and diversity of responses from my articles Negotiating Sex with Your Partner, Part 1 and Part 2. Looking at these comments showed me that many people, both gay and straight, have a difficult time understanding what intimacy actually is.

Intimacy occurs with everyone we meet, everyday of the year. Friends, family and even strangers fulfill some part of our total intimacy needs. The husband and wife team of Howard and Charlotte Clinebell are counselors who identified 12 of these intimacy needs back in the 70s. If you boil down all their findings you'll discover something most people get confused about: one person can not meet all of our intimacy needs. In reality it would be unfair to expect them to.

I want you to try something. From the list below identify the three most important types of intimacy for you and then answer the following questions:

* How satisfied are you regarding this particular intimacy?
* Who in your life helps get these needs met?
* How am I helping others fulfill their intimacy needs?
* If I’m unsatisfied, how do I plan to address the needs?
* In my primary relationship, what type of intimacy do WE need to work on together?

Forms of intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the sharing of significant experiences and feelings. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of all other forms of intimacy. It is the ability to talk without fear. When fear is present, talking about that fear can facilitate a stronger and closer relationship. Emotional intimacy includes the ability to share one’s hopes and dreams.

Sexual intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. Talking about the deepest and darkest sexual secrets is a form of sexual intimacy. For some of my clients, I am the first person they talk to about sexuality.

Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing ideas. There is a genuine respect for each individual’s opinion. Agreement on the topic isn’t required for intellectual intimacy. It is the process of sharing, reflection and discussion that highlights the aspects of intellectual intimacy.

Aesthetic intimacy relates to experiences of beauty. This can include expressions of art such as music, plays and movies but also natural beauty such as sunrises, listening to a thunderstorm, and taking a day hike.

Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared vision. The key component is the process of co-creating with another person. Both you and the other person are growing in deeper ways as a result of the experience.

Recreational intimacy refers to the experience of play and stepping outside of the struggles of life, and simply spending time together. The types of play include sports, outdoor activities, and indoor activities. Sometimes other intimacies are incorporated into recreational activities such as going to a movie (aesthetic) and then talking about it afterward (intellectual).

Work intimacy occurs in the sharing of tasks. It can include projects, events, or the process of long-term commitment regarding work or family. These tasks vary in type, intensity and duration and could include completing a project at work, or finishing cleaning up the house. The feelings of satisfaction when completing a task with another person are examples of work intimacy.

Crisis intimacy occurs as a result of major and minor tragedies. Personal crises may be illness or accidents. Larger forms of crisis intimacy can be community experiences of a natural disaster. In these situations individuals step outside of their limits and connect. Strangers will go above and beyond typical behaviors. The long-term response of the gay community to HIV is a great example of this type of intimacy.

Commitment intimacy is the experience of hope and possibility in response to addressing an issue, cause or event bigger than one person. This can range from a short-term task (completing a social service project) to a never-ending task such as social justice, or providing HIV services. It is the process of transforming the world relative that is the source of intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy develops through sharing the most important areas of concerns including values, meaning for life, and the core of our being. It's an experience of possibility and transcendence beyond the daily experience of who we are. It can be connected to religious traditions and practices, but ultimately it is about how we connect with God (in whatever way we understand God).

Communication intimacy is the process of full disclosure with another person. It is the process of being open, honest and truthful. This includes giving difficult and constructive feedback even when it is difficult to do so.

Conflict intimacy is the process of connecting, respectful fighting and facing differences with others. Through the conflict there is a process of closeness that transcends the conflict ultimately leading to a closer relationship. The power of make-up sex highlights how conflict intimacy is so powerful.

Touch/Physical Intimacy

One form of intimacy as described in the Topic on Intimacy is physical intimacy. This expression of intimacy is sometimes referred to as touch intimacy or touch needs. The overlap between sexual intimacy and touch intimacy leads to significant confusion. It is important to ask in any given encounter what my intimacy needs are. And, specifically, what my touch needs are. Perhaps in a particular encounter you may be trying to get your touch needs met rather than sexual needs.

In this topic, the goal is to review healthy touch, and identify how you get these needs met. Some classic social psychology research has suggested that the failure to receive touch can have severe negative health, social and emotional impact on a person. The types of touch exists on a continuum. On the unhealthy end, exploitive touch is manipulative, forced, or unwanted. Nurturing touch is healthy and is expressive of a relationship. Touching someone is one way of reaching out and affirming them or being affirmed. And in fact, unhealthy touch is the opposite. It can be a way to express hurt, anger, or fear. Somewhere in the middle the grey area of touch occurs. In this confusing center are experiences of touch that appears healthy but leaves a person unsure about the intent. It may be the hug that includes a brush against breasts, buttocks or genitalia. Or the kiss that goes on too long. In moving toward sexual health, it is important to recognize healthy and unhealthy touch and to identify ways to get your touch needs met. You may also want to review the topic on sexual exploitation which describes forms of extreme unhealthy touch.

In developing ways to get your touch needs meet, it is also important to be clear about your motivation. In reviewing your sex history, how many times have you engaged in sexual contact when what you were looking for probably simply affirmation through touch? Perhaps there have been times when someone has said “hold” me but the encounter became unexpectedly sexual.

In the modern American Culture, there is a significant cultural barrier to touch. So much of the messages about touch actually sexualizes touch. Two guys holding hands is seen as a gay couple rather than two friend together s as in many Middle Eastern cultures. The misunderstanding of touch raises significant problems regarding sexual harassment claims. I’m not judging any particular claims as right/wrong, but in sexualizing touch, our culture has deprived us of healthy ways to get healthy needs met in appropriate ways.

The cultural fear of touch is often internalized in our lives. As a result, we may misinterpret the messages of another person. There are also gender differences. For many women, touch is culturally encouraged where as for men, touch is discouraged. The typical woman has a better understanding of touch needs than the typical man. This misunderstanding can lead to miscommunication, conflicts, and resentments in both sexual relationships as well as social and emotional relationships.