Coping with Grief in a Relationship

The responses on my recent articles "Do all gay men cheat?" and "Are you really over your ex?" brought to light a level of hurt and grief many people experience but may not understand. As you looking toward the future and new relationships, it may be helpful to address feelings of grief and loss.

I like using analogies in my work because they can help make things easier to understand. Consider the analogy of the relationship between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader in the Star War movies Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi as a way to highlight how people cope with grief. (I realize I may be starting to date myself by picking the analogy!)

For a brief reminder, in the series the enemy, Darth Vader, says to Luke those famous words "Luke, I am your father." Luke's response is "NOOOOOOOOO" and rather than surrendering to Darth Vader he falls to what he thinks is his death only to be rescued at the last moment. The pain in Luke's yell and the desperation that leads to the fall highlights the power of denial in grief and loss. When a relationship ends, the loss leads to the emotional fall. Rather than deal with the truth, we may run away and avoid the reality of the loss.

A few scenes later, Luke is talking to Obi Wan Kenobi saying, "Why didn't you tell me?" The tone of his voice is clearly anger. In this case, the anger is not "explosive yelling" but "cold simmering." The "how dare you look" that can send shivers down a person's spine. In my opinion, the cold simmering is a scarier expression of anger than explosive reactions.

In that same scene, Obi Wan responds to some of the questions by saying "from a certain point of view" the good person of your father died when he became the bad guy. He is introducing the concept of bargaining in coping with the grief of relationships.

As you look at your last relationship, from a certain point of view, it may be better to be out of the unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we may want to avoid the unhealthy aspects of the old relationship simply because we don't want to feel the grief. Moving toward health is to recognize that sometimes the end of a relationship might be healthy.

Near the end of the 3rd movie, Return of the Jedi, Leah asks, "What's wrong?" Luke's response is "Ask me later." Sometimes in the grief process, we simply don't want to talk about it. It may be too painful or take too much energy.

Luke also exhibits the final stage of grief, acceptance in the Return of the Jedi. Luke has come to acknowledge Darth Vader as his father. The acceptance doesn't lead to paralysis but instead turns into action to save the good guys from the evil Emperor. Luke's grief has even been transformed into action to save his father. In the same way, once we have addressed the grief, we get to the point where we can live a full life. We are also able to relate to others in a healthy way. And the past relationship isn't necessarily in the way of our next relationship. We may even be ready to reach out to our ex from a place of love and concern.

If you are coping with grief regarding a previous relationship, where do you see yourself? What can you do to move forward? Oh, and may the Force be with you!

Are you really over your ex?

She's packed her bags, gotten a new apartment and you've both moved on with your lives but have you really gotten "over" your ex? Many people think they have but if you read the comments to my last article "Do All Gay Men Cheat?" you quickly see an enormous amount of pain and anger people in the responses.

When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, there is going to be some amount of 
"garbage" of hurt and anger that needs to be actively dealt with. If you don't clear it away many of you will find some major barriers to having successful future relationships.

Impact Today
First thing you need to do is to take a good look at your current situation and try to figure out how the relationship relates to your life today. Specifically you're looking to identify how your past relationships impact your sexual behavior and also how your sexual behavior impacts your relationships.

Ask yourself the following questions:

* Do you do things you know are wrong because of something your partner did? Why?
* Was your partner’s behavior a response to something you did? Why?
* Are you avoiding relationships? Why?

Identifying Barriers

When a dog bites a child, there is a very good chance the child will have a negative reaction to dogs in the future. This is an example of transference. When you have a reaction to a current partner, it is often based on your past experiences. When these experiences are positive, your reactions are typically helpful. However, when they are negative they can create a barrier that may possibly doom a new relationship. What barriers are you experiencing today?

Unresolved Issues

Then there may be some "unresolved issues" affecting you that are a result of past relationships. Some of these include depression, abuse (physical, mental, verbal), the coming out process or feelings of shame and guilt. Sometimes the feelings of grief and hurt are so strong, some type of grief therapy may be needed to move past them. Until these are addressed you may be stuck on an escalator trying to go the wrong way.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is NOT about forgetting.

Forgiveness is NOT about letting the other person off the hook.

Forgiveness is about YOUR healing.



Forgiveness includes helping you heal from negative thoughts while at the same time helping you let go of painful feelings. It's an extreme act of compassion when you can forgive the person who hurt you. In some religious traditions, an example of raising forgiveness to a radical expression is offering compassion to your ex. This brings about YOUR radical transformation.

Ways to Move Forward

* Write a goodbye letter. You can be totally honest and open with your feelings because you aren't going to be mailing this letter. When you're finished show the letter to a number of close friends and family who can act as your "support network." Listen to what they have to say about it then put that letter aside and write a new one. Don't edit your existing letter but write out a brand new one. Then share this letter with your support group. Repeat writing the letter and sharing again. Repeat again. After you have done this about 10 times go back and review each version of your letter. By doing this you have really begun the healing process. If you choose, send the 10th version of the letter.

* Reach out to friends, family and professionals for the support you need.
* Establish a boundary. Your ex’s behavior is about your ex, despite what he/she may say. This is important to remember. Remind yourself of this mantra. 

* Complete an inventory and honestly assess your role in the break-up. You will need to step out of the victim role to recognize it takes two to dance.

Depression and Acting Out

Without a doubt, a major issue that contributes to an individual’s acting out cycle is depression. The various ways depression is identified in daily living is through recognizing a variety of symptoms. In non-technical terms, depression might be expressed in statements such as “I’m sad” or “I don’t have any energy.” Some behavioral indicators might be simply not eating or getting out of bed. It is easy to see how sexual compulsive behavior can occur in response to feeling depressed.

Professionals talk about depression in a formal manner. The standard language is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revised. If you are interested in learning more about the details, please feel free to search online for more information. The goal in this topic is to review depression in such a way that you might recognize how depression and sexual compulsivity are related in your life. You may recognize that it is an issue; at that point I strongly recommend that you seek additional support.

Depression also exists on a continuum. Professionals use multiple terms to describe the continuum. I offer these terms for your review. If you hear these terms, please ask your provider to identify additional informatiPublish Poston.

This range of depression diagnoses include the following:

• Major Depressive Disorder
• Major Depressive Episode
• Dysthymia (aka Dysthymic) disorder
• Minor Depressive Episode
• Adjustment Disorder with Depressed mood.
• Bereavement
• Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

One of the difficulties in recognizing the presence of depression is that sometimes depression may be part of a bigger issue. For example, in later topics I will cover bi-polar disorder, manic episodes and post-traumatic stress disorders. In each of these issues, depression is present as well. It may take some time for an accurate assessment of the right label that describes all of your symptoms. I’ve listed a number of symptoms below which are listed according to what is my opinion of the most severe symptoms. In my opinion, I’d suggest that if 3-5 of these symptoms are present, I strongly request that you seek additional help to help you to get a more accurate understanding.

Please note, that if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, or feelings, I want you to get immediate help. You can get help at http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm or call 1-800-273-TALK or call 911 or visit your local emergency room. Suicidal thoughts are the most severe symptoms are all clinicians are trained to respond respectively and immediately.

MOST SEVERE SYMPTOMS AT THE TOP

• A suicide attempt
• A specific plan for committing suicide
• Recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan
• Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying).
• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
• People reporting to you that you look depressed .
• Expression of feelings of irritability
• Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
• Loss of pleasure or interest in daily activities.
• Significant weight loss when not dieting (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month),
• Decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
• Sleeping too much (can’t get out of bed)
• Sleeping too little (can’t fall asleep)
• Feelings of agitation/body is restless
• No energy/Body feels weary.
• Difficulty making decisions
• Difficulty thinking or concentrating

LEAST SEVERE SYMPTOMS AT THE BOTTOM

Now there are some issues that are disqualifiers of a mental health diagnosis. Sometimes a more important/severe diagnosis takes priority. Or, if you’ve taken drugs or chemicals (i.e., alcohol) you might have a different diagnosis. In some cases, a medical condition might be a cause of some of the symptoms. In my opinion, the key is to seek the advice of a professional if 3-5 of these symptoms are present.

Treatment for depression can vary. I’d encourage you to go online as review what suggests exist. Here a few possible treatment approaches. If you are working with a counselor, please talk with him and her regarding their expertise and comfort with these types of therapy. If you want to try something on the list before, it is your right to ask for a referral if your primary counselor cannot provide those resources.

Medication Management.

The number and type of medications are constantly changing. I am not an expert in this area, please consult with a trained professional. Many individuals are not interested in this treatment approach because of fears and stigma regarding medications. I use a metaphor to help explain how medications might be helpful is the following. Consider that you broke your leg, for a while you will need crutches as you heal. In the same way, medications can be a support while you address the issues related to the depression. In another way, some people manage diabetes through diet and exercise, but for some, long term insulin is required to stay healthy. In some cases, long-term use of depression medications is needed for health.

Talk Therapy

• Talk therapy takes a range of approaches. The number and type of interventions are simply too many to list. But some of these include:
• Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
• Dialectical and Behavioral Therapy (DBT) Skills
• Supportive and Affirming Talk Therapy.
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
• Relationship Therapy
  

Alternative Therapies (a catch all category)

• Exercise and Diet Plans
• Recreational Therapy Activities (Challenge Courses, Outward Bound, etc)
• Easter approaches such as Acupuncture, Yoga, and Massage.

Healthy Daily Activities

• Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you.
• Spend time with people who aren't depressed. This can lift you up and make you feel better.
• Wait until you are feeling better before doing t hings you find difficult or unpleasant.
• Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what.
• Don't skip meals
• Get at least eight hours of sleep each night.
• Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30-minutes a day.
• Make time for things that bring you joy.

(adapted from helpguide.org located at http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm)