The last assignment of the up and coming workbook, Cybersex Unplugged is finished. All that remains is the editing. Coming soon!
Our final assignment is also about integration. Given the continuing care plan, it is also important to assess the specific internet behaviors that contribute to acting out situations, or otherwise cross personal boundaries. There are many variations of this assignment that follows. One way to complete this assignment is to create three circles where you address the following:
1) Inner Circle are Acceptable behaviors
These behaviors are any internet behaviors that are healthy in your world. The difficulty is that many individuals want us to tell them the answers to this question, but the key is that you have to define these. Others might provide feedback and suggestions, but in the end you MUST clarify and determine what are acceptable behaviors in YOUR world.
2) Middle Circle are Cautious behaviors
These behaviors often have a “depends” linked to them. Sometimes the same behavior at work is acceptable, but at home is unacceptable (or vice versa). Anything you can’t clarify as healthy/unhealthy, needs to go here. You might be able to use the “depends” to gain further insight into risk factors in your life. As appropriate, clarify the depends component of these behaviors as much as possible. One example was a client who could surf the internet at home until 9 pm. At 9 pm, he started to tired and moved into the trance often associated with compulsive online behaviors. Surfing the internet until 9 was cautious, because he had to make sure his plans were in place to prevent ongoing surfing after 9 pm.
3) Outer Circles are Unacceptable behaviors.
These are behaviors that you have determined are unhealthy in any and all cases. For some people, any explicit sexual online behavior at work is unhealthy. Surfing for porn or engaging in sexual chat conversations may fit here. Certain types of websites might fit here. The key is that YOU must agree to any behaviors that are defined as unacceptable.
Behaviors to consider include the following. It is also important to link these behaviors to any qualifiers.
• What devices can you use to access the internet (think computers, smart phones, iPads, etc.).
• How frequently can you use the internet? Can you use it for sexual content? Where can you access the internet (work, home, friends, relatives)?
• Who is with you, as appropriate?
• What types of websites are acceptable? Think typical web sites such as banks, but also a typical hookup site?
• What types of online sexual activity could be explored online,(e.g., certain ethnicities, feet, animals, diapers…)?
• Identify if engaging in sexually charged chat, online relationships, virtual sex, exhibitionism or voyeurism online?
• What email accounts can you use?
• Using the internet to arrange real-time hook ups.
• Posting online erotic or sexual pictures/videos of yourself or others (including via webcam).
• Masturbating to online sexual materials or activities?
• Have you ever used a sex toy that connects to your computer while online?
• What other sexual activities have you engaged while online that would be important to review?
Showing posts with label internet sexual behavior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label internet sexual behavior. Show all posts
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
ADHD and Internet Behavior
A number of studies have reported an association between internet compulsivity and attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Unfortunately, this type of research focuses on relationship between two things versus whether or not one causes the other. It is difficult to truly understand what is going on in relational research. To use a metaphor, it’s like saying ice cream sales and crime rates are related (they are). Both are high at the same time, and both are low at the same. While they are related, people will sometimes try to say one causes the other. For example, a person might propose, “People are stealing money to buy ice cream.” Another response might be, “Eating ice cream leads to crime.” Neither is accurate, and often another explanation might be better. In this case, both ice cream sales and crime rates increase in warmer weather. More people are out when it is 85 degrees (and hence may be robbed), and also more people are willing to eat ice cream when it is 85 degrees versus when it is 30 degrees.
Most often ADHD is first recognized as a child or adolescent. Recently, more and more adults are being diagnosed with ADHD. The diagnosis isn’t without controversy. It isn’t clear if the diagnosis is the current “trendy” diagnosis or if it is a true problem with adults. Having an ADHD diagnosis is also open to misuse, particularly with providing an excuse for the behavior, “I go online because I have ADHD.” Without a doubt, the relationship between internet use and ADHD is present, but complex. The key in our work is to acknowledge the relationship, and provide a basic level of information for you to follow-up with your primary physician. In some cases, treating ADHD might reduce an individual’s problems with the internet.
To help you determine if you need follow-up, please review the following symptoms. If you see five or six of them as descriptive of you, please seek out and obtain the necessary support for further follow-up.
Symptoms of ADHD
Does not give close attention to details
Makes careless mistakes in work, or other activities.
Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks.
Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
Often does not follow through on instructions
Fails to finish duties in the workplace
Often has trouble organizing activities.
Doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort.
Often loses things
Is often easily distracted.
Is often forgetful in daily activities.
Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat when sitting still is expected.
Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.
Often feel very restless.
Often has trouble doing leisure activities quietly.
Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor".
Often talks excessively.
Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished.
Often has trouble waiting one's turn.
Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).
Most often ADHD is first recognized as a child or adolescent. Recently, more and more adults are being diagnosed with ADHD. The diagnosis isn’t without controversy. It isn’t clear if the diagnosis is the current “trendy” diagnosis or if it is a true problem with adults. Having an ADHD diagnosis is also open to misuse, particularly with providing an excuse for the behavior, “I go online because I have ADHD.” Without a doubt, the relationship between internet use and ADHD is present, but complex. The key in our work is to acknowledge the relationship, and provide a basic level of information for you to follow-up with your primary physician. In some cases, treating ADHD might reduce an individual’s problems with the internet.
To help you determine if you need follow-up, please review the following symptoms. If you see five or six of them as descriptive of you, please seek out and obtain the necessary support for further follow-up.
Symptoms of ADHD
Does not give close attention to details
Makes careless mistakes in work, or other activities.
Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks.
Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
Often does not follow through on instructions
Fails to finish duties in the workplace
Often has trouble organizing activities.
Doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort.
Often loses things
Is often easily distracted.
Is often forgetful in daily activities.
Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat when sitting still is expected.
Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.
Often feel very restless.
Often has trouble doing leisure activities quietly.
Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor".
Often talks excessively.
Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished.
Often has trouble waiting one's turn.
Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).
Friday, November 12, 2010
Masturbation, Internet and Sexual Health
One of the major concerns in assessing the internet is the linkage between sexual media and masturbation. Often partners will have different opinions in addressing masturbation. In some opinions, masturbation is a healthy outlet within a relationship and should be incorporated into an individual’s relationship with him or her self as well as his or her partner. Masturbation can be a way to discover what you like sexually, as well as what parts of you body are most arousing or sensitive. In this example, masturbation can lead to a heightened awareness of self that can be shared with your partner. In other opinions, masturbation is a form of settling when the primary partner isn’t available. One example is a guideline within a relationship where you ask the partner if he/she is available for sexual behavior contact before you masturbate. If the partner says, “no” masturbation is allowed. Still other opinions view masturbation as a sin.
The key to the following questions is to clarify your opinions, beliefs and values about masturbation. Consider how the internet has impacted these values. Think about the role of masturbation in your definition of sexual health.
• Under what circumstances are masturbatory behaviors unhealthy for you?
• Under what circumstances are masturbatory behaviors healthy for you?
• What are my current values toward masturbation and fantasy?
• What are my current appropriate masturbation behaviors? (Where, when, how often?)
• What are my guidelines about disclosing my masturbation behaviors to my partner?
• What are my guidelines about disclosing my fantasies to my partner?
• What are my partner’s reaction to these guidelines?
The key to the following questions is to clarify your opinions, beliefs and values about masturbation. Consider how the internet has impacted these values. Think about the role of masturbation in your definition of sexual health.
• Under what circumstances are masturbatory behaviors unhealthy for you?
• Under what circumstances are masturbatory behaviors healthy for you?
• What are my current values toward masturbation and fantasy?
• What are my current appropriate masturbation behaviors? (Where, when, how often?)
• What are my guidelines about disclosing my masturbation behaviors to my partner?
• What are my guidelines about disclosing my fantasies to my partner?
• What are my partner’s reaction to these guidelines?
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Back from the Abyss/Taping for BiCities
August was a bit of a vacation, while Sept was a lot of traveling for work. I'm now a bit more settled to start blogging. The most recent activity was taping a show for BiCities talking about Chem Dep, Sexual Compulsivity, and Internet Sexual Compulsivity. To be aired in Minneapolis on Channel 6 on Nov 9 and 23 at 7:30. Check the link for other times and cities
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sexual Compulsvity and Internet Sexual Compulsivity
I finished my power point for a presentation tomorrow at the University of Minnesota "Beyond the Boxes" Conference. If you would like a copy of the pdf handout, please contact nsimon@pride-institute.com.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Topic 12: Behavioral Analysis
--I apologize...the formatting didn't transfer from the table. Please feel to contact me via email for a copy of the document.
Clients often report they don’t know why they did what they did. And to a large degree, I believe them. I often challenge my clients to tell me the steps necessary to drive a car. As they do, I playfully trip them up by asking questions about this or that. What they come to realize is that driving a car is a remarkably complex task that calls for multiple thought processes and requires you need to pay attention to details. In psychology, this term is called “automaticity:” the ability to complete complex behaviors without active cognitive thinking –like a habit. Much of the ritual in Internet sexual compulsivity is automatic. People fall into a trance, and simply don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. A helpful tool in identifying thinking errors, feeling triggers and high-risk situations is the completion of a behavioral analysis. This is a step-by-step examination of what happens in an acting-out experience. The goal is to help you identify additional relevant issues, so you should examine all details, no matter how small you think they are. The behavioral analysis is a way to slow down and uncover the contributing factors. In the process of completing the analysis, you will identify a number of places to intervene and interrupt the cycle.
• You will learn to recognize and then contradict thinking errors. Challenging negative thinking through corrected thoughts or using affirmations (if you are familiar with the 12-step tradition) is a start.
• You will be able to address your feelings. Identifying ways you can connect with others in a healthy way, for example, allows you to help address feelings of loneliness. If your sadness and depression are significant and long lasting, medications or therapy might be helpful.
• High-risk situations are recognizable. Too much free time can make you vulnerable to a high-risk situation. Finding ways to engage in healthy fun is another way to intervene on the cycle.
In each of the behavioral analyses, I talk about an escalating pattern of behaviors that sets the stage for the next trip through the cycle. When working with clients, I call these trips “micro-cycles,” because you may experience multiple trips through the cycle within a given time period. The example below highlights multiple ways you may have failed to cope with the setups throughout a given time period. The key then is to identify ways you can interrupt any and all of the various parts of the cycle.
Assignment
• Using the template below, complete a behavioral analysis of an acting-out encounter. What feelings triggers (see page XX) thinking errors (see page xx) or high-risk situations (see page xx) did you identify? Update the current lists, as appropriate.
Instructions
To complete the analysis, it may be helpful to work backwards. Start with the acting-out incident. Answer the question “What happened?” Then ask, “What happened right before that” and so on. Stay focused on what happened while you work backward. Don’t give up to early, but you can always add more if you remember parts of the cycle. It’s like tracing the last domino’s fall back to the first domino. Once you have a good start at what happened, complete the other columns by adding the corresponding thinking errors/thoughts, feeling triggers and high-risk settings. Try to fill each column, but if you can’t you can always come back to it. At the end of the process, summarize the behavioral analysis. Every item in the analysis becomes a place to develop an intervention plan.
---Start Here---
What happened?
Include Payoffs or Consequences Thoughts
What was I thinking?
What reason did I use?
Feelings
What was I feeling? High-risk Situation
When, where, who, what?
I hooked up with someone I did it again. Shame.
Hopelessness. Isolation. Avoid my support network.
Late night
No support
I drove over to their place He/she is attractive. Sex will be great.
Why do I keep doing this? Excited, happy, numb, distracted. Going to other peoples house.
Not establishing boundaries.
No support network
Keeping secrets
I was chatting online Maybe I can connect with someone.
My partner is already asleep, no one will know.
My partner isn’t available Lonely, excited, aroused Cruising.
Online late
Online in “bad” places
I start looking at porn. No one will know
It’s only pictures
I earned it after how bad today was. Justified, entitled,
Bored No supervision online.
Porn sites
I was checking my email I have to see what else needs to be done on the project. Lonely, tired, sad. Working too late
Using work to give me an excuse to use the internet
“Work-aholic”
I was heading to bed Can’t talk to anyone.
I’m alone.
No one cares Sad, depressed, lonely, tired. Isolation.
Tired
Overworked
I had a fight I can’t do anything right.
My partner doesn’t understand.
It’s my fault Fear, sadness, shame, guilt. Seeing someone angry.
Conflict
Lack of assertive skills
I missed dinner My partner doesn’t care; he/she didn’t’ wait for me. Hungry Not eating well
Not keeping a schedule
Life not in balance
I come home late I had to get this project done.
Maybe my boss won’t be mad at me if I’m done.
It’s not a big deal. Stress
Guilt/Shame
Fear Working late
Not keeping a schedule
Trying to please others.
I had a project to complete at work. Oh no. I’m in trouble.
I should know better.
I have to do it myself.
No one will help.
It has to be done today.
I’m going to get fired. Worried, anxious.
Stress Made a mistake.
Not talking with others.
Not being honest.
Isolating.
Not asking for help.
Lots of conflict at work. Better be careful or my boss will turn on me.
I’d better not screw up. Worried/fearful that someone is angry.
Shame/Fear Someone is angry
Conflict
Consequences at work.
My boss yelled at me. I did it again
I’m in trouble
I can’t do anything right.
I told myself I wouldn’t do that again. Tired.
Fearful
Shame/Guilt Conflict
Doing things I said I wouldn’t
I came in late because I overslept Frustrated that I didn’t sleep well.
I did it again Tired. Hooking up the night before (complete and/or continue the analysis)
Summary of the analysis Catastrophizing.
Minimizing.
Justifying.
Blaming.
I can’t make a mistake.
I’m in trouble.
I can’t tell anyone.
I’m going to get fired.
I’m alone. Lonely.
Guilt.
Tired.
Worried.
Anxious.
Fearful.
Sad.
Depressed.
Lonely.
Shame.
Hopelessness.
Excited.
Stress. Not sleeping well.
Making a mistake.
Isolation.
Being online.
Working from home.
Working late.
Overwork.
Drinking.
Cruising.
Chatting online.
Looking at porn.
Conflict.
Clients often report they don’t know why they did what they did. And to a large degree, I believe them. I often challenge my clients to tell me the steps necessary to drive a car. As they do, I playfully trip them up by asking questions about this or that. What they come to realize is that driving a car is a remarkably complex task that calls for multiple thought processes and requires you need to pay attention to details. In psychology, this term is called “automaticity:” the ability to complete complex behaviors without active cognitive thinking –like a habit. Much of the ritual in Internet sexual compulsivity is automatic. People fall into a trance, and simply don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. A helpful tool in identifying thinking errors, feeling triggers and high-risk situations is the completion of a behavioral analysis. This is a step-by-step examination of what happens in an acting-out experience. The goal is to help you identify additional relevant issues, so you should examine all details, no matter how small you think they are. The behavioral analysis is a way to slow down and uncover the contributing factors. In the process of completing the analysis, you will identify a number of places to intervene and interrupt the cycle.
• You will learn to recognize and then contradict thinking errors. Challenging negative thinking through corrected thoughts or using affirmations (if you are familiar with the 12-step tradition) is a start.
• You will be able to address your feelings. Identifying ways you can connect with others in a healthy way, for example, allows you to help address feelings of loneliness. If your sadness and depression are significant and long lasting, medications or therapy might be helpful.
• High-risk situations are recognizable. Too much free time can make you vulnerable to a high-risk situation. Finding ways to engage in healthy fun is another way to intervene on the cycle.
In each of the behavioral analyses, I talk about an escalating pattern of behaviors that sets the stage for the next trip through the cycle. When working with clients, I call these trips “micro-cycles,” because you may experience multiple trips through the cycle within a given time period. The example below highlights multiple ways you may have failed to cope with the setups throughout a given time period. The key then is to identify ways you can interrupt any and all of the various parts of the cycle.
Assignment
• Using the template below, complete a behavioral analysis of an acting-out encounter. What feelings triggers (see page XX) thinking errors (see page xx) or high-risk situations (see page xx) did you identify? Update the current lists, as appropriate.
Instructions
To complete the analysis, it may be helpful to work backwards. Start with the acting-out incident. Answer the question “What happened?” Then ask, “What happened right before that” and so on. Stay focused on what happened while you work backward. Don’t give up to early, but you can always add more if you remember parts of the cycle. It’s like tracing the last domino’s fall back to the first domino. Once you have a good start at what happened, complete the other columns by adding the corresponding thinking errors/thoughts, feeling triggers and high-risk settings. Try to fill each column, but if you can’t you can always come back to it. At the end of the process, summarize the behavioral analysis. Every item in the analysis becomes a place to develop an intervention plan.
---Start Here---
What happened?
Include Payoffs or Consequences Thoughts
What was I thinking?
What reason did I use?
Feelings
What was I feeling? High-risk Situation
When, where, who, what?
I hooked up with someone I did it again. Shame.
Hopelessness. Isolation. Avoid my support network.
Late night
No support
I drove over to their place He/she is attractive. Sex will be great.
Why do I keep doing this? Excited, happy, numb, distracted. Going to other peoples house.
Not establishing boundaries.
No support network
Keeping secrets
I was chatting online Maybe I can connect with someone.
My partner is already asleep, no one will know.
My partner isn’t available Lonely, excited, aroused Cruising.
Online late
Online in “bad” places
I start looking at porn. No one will know
It’s only pictures
I earned it after how bad today was. Justified, entitled,
Bored No supervision online.
Porn sites
I was checking my email I have to see what else needs to be done on the project. Lonely, tired, sad. Working too late
Using work to give me an excuse to use the internet
“Work-aholic”
I was heading to bed Can’t talk to anyone.
I’m alone.
No one cares Sad, depressed, lonely, tired. Isolation.
Tired
Overworked
I had a fight I can’t do anything right.
My partner doesn’t understand.
It’s my fault Fear, sadness, shame, guilt. Seeing someone angry.
Conflict
Lack of assertive skills
I missed dinner My partner doesn’t care; he/she didn’t’ wait for me. Hungry Not eating well
Not keeping a schedule
Life not in balance
I come home late I had to get this project done.
Maybe my boss won’t be mad at me if I’m done.
It’s not a big deal. Stress
Guilt/Shame
Fear Working late
Not keeping a schedule
Trying to please others.
I had a project to complete at work. Oh no. I’m in trouble.
I should know better.
I have to do it myself.
No one will help.
It has to be done today.
I’m going to get fired. Worried, anxious.
Stress Made a mistake.
Not talking with others.
Not being honest.
Isolating.
Not asking for help.
Lots of conflict at work. Better be careful or my boss will turn on me.
I’d better not screw up. Worried/fearful that someone is angry.
Shame/Fear Someone is angry
Conflict
Consequences at work.
My boss yelled at me. I did it again
I’m in trouble
I can’t do anything right.
I told myself I wouldn’t do that again. Tired.
Fearful
Shame/Guilt Conflict
Doing things I said I wouldn’t
I came in late because I overslept Frustrated that I didn’t sleep well.
I did it again Tired. Hooking up the night before (complete and/or continue the analysis)
Summary of the analysis Catastrophizing.
Minimizing.
Justifying.
Blaming.
I can’t make a mistake.
I’m in trouble.
I can’t tell anyone.
I’m going to get fired.
I’m alone. Lonely.
Guilt.
Tired.
Worried.
Anxious.
Fearful.
Sad.
Depressed.
Lonely.
Shame.
Hopelessness.
Excited.
Stress. Not sleeping well.
Making a mistake.
Isolation.
Being online.
Working from home.
Working late.
Overwork.
Drinking.
Cruising.
Chatting online.
Looking at porn.
Conflict.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Topic 11: Payoffs—Why go-online for sex?
Interrupting the acting-out cycle requires awareness of the payoffs for online sexual behavior. This is essentially answering the question, “Why go online?” While the reasons for engaging in online sex may vary, it is important for you to uncover some of the reasons and payoffs that are important to you. It is our opinion that ALL behavior is goal focused. Your online behavior is seeking some type of payoff.
While we believe the payoffs are always present, our level of awareness of these payoffs varies. Some payoffs are direct: “I find someone to hook-up with and have sex.” Some of these payoffs may be “hopes” that something will happen: “If an attractive person says yes, I’ll be OK.” In some circumstances, the reasons for online sexual behavior may highlight clinical issues (depression), or patterns of the acting out cycle that you need to address. This is a much more difficult task than you may think. To put this in perspective, a recent journal article identified 237 reasons a person has sex separated into 13 factors. As you review your online sexual behavior, consider the following:
• Physical reasons for sex:
o Stress Reduction. “I am at work, and this gives me a distraction.”
o Pleasure. “Sex is fun.” “Having an orgasm is fun.”
o Physical Desirability. “I want that person.” “That person wants me.”
o Experience Seeking. “I’m bored and don’t have anything to do.” “I can do something online that I wouldn’t do in person.”
• Goal attainment for sex:
o Resources. “I will get money/drugs.”
o Social Status. “My reputation will get better.” “No body will know.”
o Revenge. “I will make that other person mad.”
o Utilitarian. “I will get a raise/promotion.”
• Emotional reasons for online sexual behavior:
o Love and Commitment. “I love you.” “I’m scared of my partner.”
o Expression of Feelings. “I’m sorry.” “I’m mad at my partner”
• Insecurity reasons for sex:
o Self-Esteem Boost. “Someone wants me, I feel better.”
o Duty/Pressure. “My partner won’t do what I want.”
o Mate Guarding. “I can’t have sex with my partner, so I’ll go online instead of. . . .”
Levels of Payoff
We think about three different types of payoffs: Primary, Secondary, and Indirect. Primary payoffs roughly (but not always) parallel biological or immediate emotional needs. These are often the focus of the behavior. Consider the following examples.
It’s been a long, hard day at work. I think I earned a break. I go online for stress release. While online, I start chatting with someone who wants to hook-up. I have great sex, feel great and get even more of a sense of relief from the stress. But I also feel shameful and guilty which reinforces why I need to work so hard to get a sense of affirmation thereby causing the stress.
Additional examples of primary payoffs include:
• Great Sex.
• Sense of connection/Intimacy
• I can find things online that I can’t find in person.
• Stress Reduction.
Secondary payoffs are pleasant outcomes of the behavior. While they aren’t the first goal, the outcome also is a pleasant payoff.
I realize I may be attracted to someone of the same-gender (gay/bi/lesbian). I’m scared of meeting people, or others finding out so I go online. This way I avoid the reaction of others; a preferable outcome versus my parents/partner finding out.
I’m horny, and my partner doesn’t want sex. I go online to look at sexually explicit material. While surfing, I go to a chat room and start to look at the pictures of other people and start chatting/video cam.
In some stereotypes, women are not seen as “sexual beings.” A woman might go online for a sexual encounter, but they also don’t have to cope with the reactions of others.
Examples of secondary payoffs might be:
• Sense of Affirmation.
• Addresses boredom with something to do.
• I get to be someone I’m not in real life.
• No one will find out.
• Not alone for an evening.
Indirect payoffs are very subtle and complex to identify. They may or may not be present all the time. Sometimes the negative consequence is actually what we are seeking. I find that some people will actually sabotage their goals out of a fear of success. These individuals might have a high level of shame, such that the only sense of any accomplishment comes through getting in the way of their own goals.
Examples might include.
• Reaffirms the negative feelings I have about myself.
• I can justify how I work to make up for the negative feelings.
Notice that what is a payoff depends on the person. While some of the payoffs may appear similar across individuals, each person has their own unique pattern of payoffs. Review your sexual timeline and history and times where you acted-out. Examine which reasons for sexual behavior may be relevant. As you reflect on the reasons, examine the thoughts and assumptions that are present. If, for example, a reason for sexual behavior is to increase self-esteem, examine what are the thoughts and feelings associated with the low esteem. Finding healthy ways to get these needs met will be done by stage 3 of the workbook.
Assignment
• Review your timeline. Identify the payoffs for your most recent acting-out encounter. Pay attention to both the primary and secondary payoffs and the indirect payoffs. Pick another acting-out encounter and repeat. Review with your support network.
• Analyze the timeline for the possible payoffs listed above.
• Share these with your support network. Do they agree? Disagree? Why?
• Which payoffs do they suggest might be present?
• What are your initial plans to help you get these payoffs in healthy ways?
• Return to the list and update as necessary.
Summary of Your Current Payoffs for Sexual Behavior
1.
My plans for coping:
•
•
2.
My plans for coping:
•
•
3.
My plans for coping:
•
•
While we believe the payoffs are always present, our level of awareness of these payoffs varies. Some payoffs are direct: “I find someone to hook-up with and have sex.” Some of these payoffs may be “hopes” that something will happen: “If an attractive person says yes, I’ll be OK.” In some circumstances, the reasons for online sexual behavior may highlight clinical issues (depression), or patterns of the acting out cycle that you need to address. This is a much more difficult task than you may think. To put this in perspective, a recent journal article identified 237 reasons a person has sex separated into 13 factors. As you review your online sexual behavior, consider the following:
• Physical reasons for sex:
o Stress Reduction. “I am at work, and this gives me a distraction.”
o Pleasure. “Sex is fun.” “Having an orgasm is fun.”
o Physical Desirability. “I want that person.” “That person wants me.”
o Experience Seeking. “I’m bored and don’t have anything to do.” “I can do something online that I wouldn’t do in person.”
• Goal attainment for sex:
o Resources. “I will get money/drugs.”
o Social Status. “My reputation will get better.” “No body will know.”
o Revenge. “I will make that other person mad.”
o Utilitarian. “I will get a raise/promotion.”
• Emotional reasons for online sexual behavior:
o Love and Commitment. “I love you.” “I’m scared of my partner.”
o Expression of Feelings. “I’m sorry.” “I’m mad at my partner”
• Insecurity reasons for sex:
o Self-Esteem Boost. “Someone wants me, I feel better.”
o Duty/Pressure. “My partner won’t do what I want.”
o Mate Guarding. “I can’t have sex with my partner, so I’ll go online instead of. . . .”
Levels of Payoff
We think about three different types of payoffs: Primary, Secondary, and Indirect. Primary payoffs roughly (but not always) parallel biological or immediate emotional needs. These are often the focus of the behavior. Consider the following examples.
It’s been a long, hard day at work. I think I earned a break. I go online for stress release. While online, I start chatting with someone who wants to hook-up. I have great sex, feel great and get even more of a sense of relief from the stress. But I also feel shameful and guilty which reinforces why I need to work so hard to get a sense of affirmation thereby causing the stress.
Additional examples of primary payoffs include:
• Great Sex.
• Sense of connection/Intimacy
• I can find things online that I can’t find in person.
• Stress Reduction.
Secondary payoffs are pleasant outcomes of the behavior. While they aren’t the first goal, the outcome also is a pleasant payoff.
I realize I may be attracted to someone of the same-gender (gay/bi/lesbian). I’m scared of meeting people, or others finding out so I go online. This way I avoid the reaction of others; a preferable outcome versus my parents/partner finding out.
I’m horny, and my partner doesn’t want sex. I go online to look at sexually explicit material. While surfing, I go to a chat room and start to look at the pictures of other people and start chatting/video cam.
In some stereotypes, women are not seen as “sexual beings.” A woman might go online for a sexual encounter, but they also don’t have to cope with the reactions of others.
Examples of secondary payoffs might be:
• Sense of Affirmation.
• Addresses boredom with something to do.
• I get to be someone I’m not in real life.
• No one will find out.
• Not alone for an evening.
Indirect payoffs are very subtle and complex to identify. They may or may not be present all the time. Sometimes the negative consequence is actually what we are seeking. I find that some people will actually sabotage their goals out of a fear of success. These individuals might have a high level of shame, such that the only sense of any accomplishment comes through getting in the way of their own goals.
Examples might include.
• Reaffirms the negative feelings I have about myself.
• I can justify how I work to make up for the negative feelings.
Notice that what is a payoff depends on the person. While some of the payoffs may appear similar across individuals, each person has their own unique pattern of payoffs. Review your sexual timeline and history and times where you acted-out. Examine which reasons for sexual behavior may be relevant. As you reflect on the reasons, examine the thoughts and assumptions that are present. If, for example, a reason for sexual behavior is to increase self-esteem, examine what are the thoughts and feelings associated with the low esteem. Finding healthy ways to get these needs met will be done by stage 3 of the workbook.
Assignment
• Review your timeline. Identify the payoffs for your most recent acting-out encounter. Pay attention to both the primary and secondary payoffs and the indirect payoffs. Pick another acting-out encounter and repeat. Review with your support network.
• Analyze the timeline for the possible payoffs listed above.
• Share these with your support network. Do they agree? Disagree? Why?
• Which payoffs do they suggest might be present?
• What are your initial plans to help you get these payoffs in healthy ways?
• Return to the list and update as necessary.
Summary of Your Current Payoffs for Sexual Behavior
1.
My plans for coping:
•
•
2.
My plans for coping:
•
•
3.
My plans for coping:
•
•
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Unique Focus of Cybersex Unplugged
by Weston Edwards
What’s different about this workbook?
Our collective clinical and research experience in addition to a multitude of requests from other providers highlights the need for a workbook addressing the unique issues of Internet sexual compulsivity. While classic sexual compulsivity is broad, with a variety of factors and addressed in the first book by Dr. Edwards, this book builds on our experience to focus on the nuances of Internet sexual compulsivity. The following topics highlight a few of the factors that will be addressed in the book that may be different from other expressions of compulsivity.
In classic sexual compulsivity, we see people engaging in high-risk behaviors that involve others in some form of public behavior. This might range from public sex, hiring a sex worker, spending money on lap dance, or hooking up with a casual partner. In each of these cases, some type of public activity has occurred. Within the context of Internet sexual compulsivity, there may be situations where the Internet is a venue to these activities. Often, however Internet compulsive behaviors occur in the realm of privacy and fantasy. The download of sexual explicit material can occur in the privacy of one’s home with the illusion that “no one knows.” The wasted time occurring while masturbating to streaming videos highlights the fact that the behavior often occurs in privacy with few public consequences. There are limited direct medical consequences from Internet sexual compulsivity.
Building on these differences, the treatment and intervention for Internet Sexual Compulsivity is also nuanced. While going “cold turkey” from the Internet sounds appealing, our clinical experience suggests that this isn’t as possible as we would like. The amount of legitimate business requiring the Internet has significantly increased. It is almost impossible for a person to “cut-off” the Internet in his or her life as it was 10 -15 years ago. We find many individuals can stop the Internet Access at home, only to be forced to use the Internet at work. Treatment therefore requires some type of Internet Use plan. These best comparison is the example of individuals recovering from an eating disorder who develop a safe-eating plan as part of the recovery process simply because eating is required for survival. The same analogy can be applied to sexual health in general and recovery from Internet sexual compulsivity in particular.
What’s different about this workbook?
Our collective clinical and research experience in addition to a multitude of requests from other providers highlights the need for a workbook addressing the unique issues of Internet sexual compulsivity. While classic sexual compulsivity is broad, with a variety of factors and addressed in the first book by Dr. Edwards, this book builds on our experience to focus on the nuances of Internet sexual compulsivity. The following topics highlight a few of the factors that will be addressed in the book that may be different from other expressions of compulsivity.
In classic sexual compulsivity, we see people engaging in high-risk behaviors that involve others in some form of public behavior. This might range from public sex, hiring a sex worker, spending money on lap dance, or hooking up with a casual partner. In each of these cases, some type of public activity has occurred. Within the context of Internet sexual compulsivity, there may be situations where the Internet is a venue to these activities. Often, however Internet compulsive behaviors occur in the realm of privacy and fantasy. The download of sexual explicit material can occur in the privacy of one’s home with the illusion that “no one knows.” The wasted time occurring while masturbating to streaming videos highlights the fact that the behavior often occurs in privacy with few public consequences. There are limited direct medical consequences from Internet sexual compulsivity.
Building on these differences, the treatment and intervention for Internet Sexual Compulsivity is also nuanced. While going “cold turkey” from the Internet sounds appealing, our clinical experience suggests that this isn’t as possible as we would like. The amount of legitimate business requiring the Internet has significantly increased. It is almost impossible for a person to “cut-off” the Internet in his or her life as it was 10 -15 years ago. We find many individuals can stop the Internet Access at home, only to be forced to use the Internet at work. Treatment therefore requires some type of Internet Use plan. These best comparison is the example of individuals recovering from an eating disorder who develop a safe-eating plan as part of the recovery process simply because eating is required for survival. The same analogy can be applied to sexual health in general and recovery from Internet sexual compulsivity in particular.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Internet Use and sexual compulsivity
In my opinion, there is no greater bane for individuals who struggle with sexual compulsivity than the internet. In the nearly 15 years since wide integration into all aspects of our life, the internet has provided easy access for all types of sexual content. The access has only increased the amount of unhealthy behavior and pushed those who struggle with it further from support networks. Cooper in a series of articles focused much of his later research on this topic. One citation is used below, but his work spanned about 8 years. He is easily the “grand daddy” of the internet research and sexuality. One key finding that I find helpful is the metric of how many hours a week are spent using the internet for online activity. His research suggests that 11 hours or more per week is the point that distinguishes those who many have a problem versus those who probably don’t. The number reflects not simply internet use, but specifically internet use for sexual content.
They types of internet sexual behaviors are too many too list here. As the internet has increased in sophistication, the types of behaviors have adapted. I expect the adaptation to continue as well. I use Cooper’s measure of 11 hours or more per week of online sexual behavior as a metric to suggest further review of the behavior. When you look at your internet use, consider the following behaviors:
- Looking at pictures of sexual explicit material
- Downloading or viewing streaming pornography material.
- Online chatting behavior focusing on sex.
- Searching for specific types of material (fetishes)
- Reviewing profiles on sex specific connection profiles
- Using free websites to set up meetings for sexual sites
- Using websites to review which public cruise sites are the focus of police stings.
- Using non-sex websites for sexual content (e.g. Craigslist).
Questions to consider:
- How many hours a week are you using the internet for online sexual behavior?
- Are you using the internet for sexual behaviors where if discovered would create serious consequences (i.e., work)?
- Have you attempted to cut back the amount of use and repeatedly used?
- Have you attempted to restrict your use through filters or other controls only to circumvent these controls?
- What devices have use used to access explicit material (phone, computer, etc?)
- How does there internet set up other problematic behaviors (internet to sex to drug use?)
In terms of the acting out cycle, it is important to examine how the internet is both a cause and effect in the cycle. I can be bored, sign online for chat that leads to a sense of desperation, which leads to a hook up. Or, I can get a text message that leads to a hook up and if drugs are present relapse on the chemicals. As a focus of treatment, it is important to identify specific and measurable plans that can facilitate healing. What are your plans?
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