One of the foundational beliefs/approaches in my work is the assumption that we are simultaneously the source of our own pain and joy. Often an individual experiences pain as a result of attachments, expectations, desires or other thoughts where I think either I need “this thing” or “this needs to be a certain way.” Different traditions/theories have different words for essentially the same thing. I use the concept of “thoughts” to integrate many of these approaches. These thoughts often are unconscious, hidden, or habitual patterns of thinking. They are always occurring, and individuals/society knows how to manipulate these thoughts.
The economic field of marketing is about creating thoughts of desire that feed consumption. In other posts, I talk about the primary thinking error that is simply an elaborate illusion personalizing the existential fear we all experience. Assumptions are other examples of these thoughts. In my experience working in chemical dependency and sexual health, our thoughts around sex, body image, relationships, and success are examples of these thoughts.
The pattern goes something like this. On some level, we have a thought that having these desires fulfilled will lead to happiness. When unmet, we experience the pain. An individual might feel sad, fear, anger, hurt, lonely, disappointed and so on as a result of these thoughts/desires. It is easy to see how these thoughts are the source of our pain. When met, we may feel a type of happiness that is often temporary.
Recognizing these thoughts for what they are, that is, “thoughts,” allows us to reshape our view of the world and respond in different ways. The dilemma is that I don’t know what is a different way for you to respond. Your response to thoughts/pain needs to be your response. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for others. This is often an individual approach and reflects our personal journey toward meaning in life. One direction to consider however is the wisdom of service. All of the major religious traditions focus on service. The 12th step emphasizes service.
The type of service is more than simply doing things for others. In my opinion, we each experience moments of transforming joy. Reflect on those moments when you felt most alive, experienced timelessness, and/or transcended your own self-imposed limits. Finding the key elements underlying these experiences is the key to finding your expression of service. I label these key elements values/virtues. When we live a life that connects us to these values, we experience the transformation of pain into joy.
Showing posts with label primary thinking error. Show all posts
Showing posts with label primary thinking error. Show all posts
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Interpreting a Fantasy
I believe fantasies are amazingly powerful in helping an individual uncover/reveal parts of his/her deepest core. Jack Morin, in Erotic Mind highlights much of the academic material that is the source for this assignment. The following is a helpful tool in examining the core of a person’s fantasy(ies). By the way, some individuals suggest they don’t fantasize. If the word "fantasy" gets in the way, I will talk about daydreams, or hopes, or wants, or desires. (If you find the comparison helpful, fantasy analysis might be compared to dream analysis.)
The first step is to have a “solid” fantasy to work with. This occurs when an individual writes his/her fantasy. I ask clients to write the fantasy as if a reader could enact the fantasy based simply on what is written. For some people this might be the equivalent to a screenplay or script. I’m not expecting material that is “word for word,” but enough detail to have a pretty good sense of the actions/motivations of the individuals. The content of the fantasy can be anything, including relationship, dating, wants, joys, fears, the search, hunt, etc. I do encourage the individual to include sexual contact as well.
Second, I remind the individual this is a process of inquiry. The client is the one who makes the determination if something “fits.” I (or a group) may provide suggestions, but ultimately the client says, “This fits the bets.” There isn’t a right answer, simply today’s better answer. Future reflection might nuance what is uncovered. Within inquiry, it is important to brainstorm different thoughts about the underlying motivations. In another blog post, I ask, “Why does a person stop at a stop sign?” As I asked in the blog, “And why else, and why else, etc.” There are many reasons a person stops at a stop sign. So too there are many influences in the fantasy.
Third, remember that many conflicting answers can be applicable at the same time. This reflects the tension within the individual. The concept of layers within the individual is important.
Fourth, when possible, look for an expression of the primary thinking error. Often in the fantasy, the primary thinking error looses its power or is somehow addressed/resolved. You may also get a sense of the primary values. In philosophy, we talk about positive and negative arguments. The absence of something can affirm the presence of the same thing.
Fifth, I use a process that is helpful to me. Feel free to adapt. In my process, I have the client read through the entire fantasy without interruption. The goal for me is to understand the fantasy in context, length, and direction. Then, I have the client reread the fantasy. In the second time through, I will stop at places (usually a clause, or each sentence) and complete a literary analysis on that small piece. With some clients, I will revisit the fantasy 1-week, or 1-month later.
Sixth, use open-ended questions for each section. After you ask each question, engage in basic reflection of content/feeling, and ask, “What else?” Here are some basic questions that I start with. Feel free to adapt/add.
1) Tell me about the motivation that is going on in that moment.
2) Describe anything from your history reflected in that moment?
a. Describe how you felt or what you thought?
b. How is this important to you today?
3) What would happen if it were to come true?
4) Describe your fears if this was to happen?
5) Describe your hopes if this this was to happen?
6) How would you feel if this was to happen?
7) What would you think if this was to happen?
The academic material:
The first step is to have a “solid” fantasy to work with. This occurs when an individual writes his/her fantasy. I ask clients to write the fantasy as if a reader could enact the fantasy based simply on what is written. For some people this might be the equivalent to a screenplay or script. I’m not expecting material that is “word for word,” but enough detail to have a pretty good sense of the actions/motivations of the individuals. The content of the fantasy can be anything, including relationship, dating, wants, joys, fears, the search, hunt, etc. I do encourage the individual to include sexual contact as well.
Second, I remind the individual this is a process of inquiry. The client is the one who makes the determination if something “fits.” I (or a group) may provide suggestions, but ultimately the client says, “This fits the bets.” There isn’t a right answer, simply today’s better answer. Future reflection might nuance what is uncovered. Within inquiry, it is important to brainstorm different thoughts about the underlying motivations. In another blog post, I ask, “Why does a person stop at a stop sign?” As I asked in the blog, “And why else, and why else, etc.” There are many reasons a person stops at a stop sign. So too there are many influences in the fantasy.
Third, remember that many conflicting answers can be applicable at the same time. This reflects the tension within the individual. The concept of layers within the individual is important.
Fourth, when possible, look for an expression of the primary thinking error. Often in the fantasy, the primary thinking error looses its power or is somehow addressed/resolved. You may also get a sense of the primary values. In philosophy, we talk about positive and negative arguments. The absence of something can affirm the presence of the same thing.
Fifth, I use a process that is helpful to me. Feel free to adapt. In my process, I have the client read through the entire fantasy without interruption. The goal for me is to understand the fantasy in context, length, and direction. Then, I have the client reread the fantasy. In the second time through, I will stop at places (usually a clause, or each sentence) and complete a literary analysis on that small piece. With some clients, I will revisit the fantasy 1-week, or 1-month later.
Sixth, use open-ended questions for each section. After you ask each question, engage in basic reflection of content/feeling, and ask, “What else?” Here are some basic questions that I start with. Feel free to adapt/add.
1) Tell me about the motivation that is going on in that moment.
2) Describe anything from your history reflected in that moment?
a. Describe how you felt or what you thought?
b. How is this important to you today?
3) What would happen if it were to come true?
4) Describe your fears if this was to happen?
5) Describe your hopes if this this was to happen?
6) How would you feel if this was to happen?
7) What would you think if this was to happen?
The academic material:
Thursday, April 14, 2011
What I say is not what I mean
One the of the applications in understanding the power of the primary thinking error is the recognition of hidden or unspoken motivations that subconsciously shape our reactions to others. Frequently we are often saying two (or more) things at the same time. It is not surprising that in the end, we get exactly what we mean and not what we say. I have two examples.
Often people say, “I want to be connected to people.” A subconscious thought might be, “I don’t want to be hurt. “ As a result, the hidden thought shapes the behaviors with others. These behaviors might include hiding information, looking for ulterior motives, or otherwise not trusting people. After a while, the fear of being hurt grows in intensity to the point the individual sabotages the relationships confirming how he/she is hurt in relationships. It is an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The self-fulfilling prophecy reflects the title of the post: What I say (I want to be close to people) is not what I mean (don’t hurt me).
The second example is similar. “I want us to be connected” is the statement, but often underneath is a statement, “but I don't want to fight.” In this second case, the relationship is set up to have conflict simply because of the fear of conflict. It’s as if you look for the conflict in an attempt to avoid it. As a result, the potential of conflict has more power than the statement “I want us to be connected.”
The primary thinking error shapes our behaviors at a fundamental level. In my opinion, one way to step outside of the struggle is to simply not struggle. Somewhere along the line I heard the term, “non-change.” You can’t change the primary thinking error, but simply placing awareness on the primary thinking error transforms it. It is paradoxical. It is about naming and expressing what you mean, and not emphasize what you’re saying. Talking about the amount of fear of being hurt in the first example, and the fear of conflict in the second example is the way to step out of the cycle. Another analogy, “I can’t consciously change my breathing until I am conscious of my breath. “ As the saying goes, “you get what you ask for.” The key to transformation is awareness that the primary thinking error is often expressing what you are asking for. By placing awareness on when we use the primary thinking error (what we mean) to shape our behavior, we can truly choose something else to shape our next action.
Often people say, “I want to be connected to people.” A subconscious thought might be, “I don’t want to be hurt. “ As a result, the hidden thought shapes the behaviors with others. These behaviors might include hiding information, looking for ulterior motives, or otherwise not trusting people. After a while, the fear of being hurt grows in intensity to the point the individual sabotages the relationships confirming how he/she is hurt in relationships. It is an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The self-fulfilling prophecy reflects the title of the post: What I say (I want to be close to people) is not what I mean (don’t hurt me).
The second example is similar. “I want us to be connected” is the statement, but often underneath is a statement, “but I don't want to fight.” In this second case, the relationship is set up to have conflict simply because of the fear of conflict. It’s as if you look for the conflict in an attempt to avoid it. As a result, the potential of conflict has more power than the statement “I want us to be connected.”
The primary thinking error shapes our behaviors at a fundamental level. In my opinion, one way to step outside of the struggle is to simply not struggle. Somewhere along the line I heard the term, “non-change.” You can’t change the primary thinking error, but simply placing awareness on the primary thinking error transforms it. It is paradoxical. It is about naming and expressing what you mean, and not emphasize what you’re saying. Talking about the amount of fear of being hurt in the first example, and the fear of conflict in the second example is the way to step out of the cycle. Another analogy, “I can’t consciously change my breathing until I am conscious of my breath. “ As the saying goes, “you get what you ask for.” The key to transformation is awareness that the primary thinking error is often expressing what you are asking for. By placing awareness on when we use the primary thinking error (what we mean) to shape our behavior, we can truly choose something else to shape our next action.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Drugs, Sex and Thinking Errors.
In the last week, I’ve been working with a number of clients struggling with integrating the power of thought and the primary thinking error. An example of a primary thinking error might be “I can’t do that.” In recognizing this thinking error, you might see when either you or another person responds to limits in their life when they believe others say “You can’t do that.”
In one scenario, a client will sometimes project as coming from others the message that he or she can’t do something. One example is a client who knows that he is gay. This person might project as coming from others the thought that “I can’t be gay.” Later, they may project that “I can’t do this or that because I will be rejected” which they use as justification for many types of behaviors. To cope with these perceived external limitations, a client will use alcohol and/or drugs as a way to cope with being gay in response to the perceived limitations. Next while under the influence, these external restrictions lose their controlling influence leading to out of control sexual behaviors. (In a similar way, it is possible to map the opposite direction --sexual behavior leading to chemical use.) As a consequence of the sexual behavior and chemical use, the client experiences feelings of shame and guilt. In one example, I saw a client use the relapse on sex and drugs as proof that “they couldn’t do” anything right. In a way, they set themselves up to repeat the cycle using a version of a primary thinking error “I can’t be sober”
In reviewing the power of thought and the idea of the primary thinking error, it might be helpful to review the post I wrote in July. I’ve cleaned up the language since the first draft. In this post, the concepts of the primary thinking error and core thought are the same.
http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com/2008/07/topic-14-primary-thinking-error.html
In one scenario, a client will sometimes project as coming from others the message that he or she can’t do something. One example is a client who knows that he is gay. This person might project as coming from others the thought that “I can’t be gay.” Later, they may project that “I can’t do this or that because I will be rejected” which they use as justification for many types of behaviors. To cope with these perceived external limitations, a client will use alcohol and/or drugs as a way to cope with being gay in response to the perceived limitations. Next while under the influence, these external restrictions lose their controlling influence leading to out of control sexual behaviors. (In a similar way, it is possible to map the opposite direction --sexual behavior leading to chemical use.) As a consequence of the sexual behavior and chemical use, the client experiences feelings of shame and guilt. In one example, I saw a client use the relapse on sex and drugs as proof that “they couldn’t do” anything right. In a way, they set themselves up to repeat the cycle using a version of a primary thinking error “I can’t be sober”
In reviewing the power of thought and the idea of the primary thinking error, it might be helpful to review the post I wrote in July. I’ve cleaned up the language since the first draft. In this post, the concepts of the primary thinking error and core thought are the same.
http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com/2008/07/topic-14-primary-thinking-error.html
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