Healthy Masturbation Exercise

Moving toward integrating masturbation into healthy sexuality means moving away from the typical form of masturbation. It is also about moving from shame to self-exploration and discovery. To do so, the following exercise will help expand your experience of masturbation from a quick and dirty activity (on average, lasting 3-5 minutes) to a sensual self-affirming opportunity. This applies to both men and women.

Make sure you have the time for the following exercise. What follows is one example, but you can adapt to your personal interests. For this example, I assume you are in your bed (but experiment with other locations/positions). Start by making sure you’re comfortable, including any music, candles, aromatherapy, oils, bath, or any activity that can help you relax. The fun is in the experimenting.

First, start by being aware of your breath. Breathe in-and-out, slowly and steadily. As you move through the experience, it is important to maintain your breathing. Sometimes as a person becomes aroused, he/she may forget to breathe. When you sense that you are holding your breath, gently remind yourself to keep breathing.

Next, continue by touching your body with your hands (without lubricants). At this point, don’t focus on your genitalia. Touch your face, ears, massage your neck, arms, fingers. Feel your chest, moving to your stomach. Massage your thighs, and include your legs and feet (and toes!). The slower you move through ALL of your body parts, the better. Vary the intensity, and type of touch. You can use your thumbs, palms, fingernails, back of the hand, tips of the fingers, back of the fingers, etc. Repeat the touch and be mindful of what you enjoy. Perhaps gently tug at your hair, or pinch your skin. Each of us has erogenous zones that vary in sensitivity. Find the zones and types of touch that are most pleasurable to you.

As you continue touching your body in different ways, include touching your genitalia, nipples, and buttocks. Continue varying the touch. Move back and forth between all your body parts. You may find that your genitalia will change in the level of arousal throughout the experience.

Optional activities might include using other pieces of clothing or items. Various items might be different fabrics, cold/hot items (not too hot!), feathers, or sticks (such as a dowel). The key here is to experience a range of touch.

As you go through the experience, vary the type of touch of your genitalia (for example, the grips of the penis, or the massage of the clitoris, etc.). Each type of touch will lead to different experiences. Experiment and enjoy. If you don’t like something, or it feels unpleasant, do something else.

Remember to breath.

After you’ve felt your body, repeat the full body touch but this time you might consider the possibility of adding lubricants such as oils, waters, water based or silicon-based lubricants. Each will create different experiences. Some might be sticky, slick, sensual, etc.

Continue to breath.

Your body will increase in excitement simply due to the stimulation. Depending on how long your want to prolong it, you will notice that if you are very genitally stimulated moving the touch to other body parts will extend and slightly decrease the overall stimulation thereby prolonging the experience.

At some point in the experience, particularly if you are focusing your touch on the genitalia, you may get to the point where you might experience an orgasm. Continue to breathe. But remember that orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal. Understanding what you like and providing self-pleasure is the goal.

Practice and repeat.

After your experience, review how you felt, what you liked, and talk about the experience with your support network. Often in the struggle with sexual compulsivity, we have to UNLEARN unhealthy patterns of masturbation (often associated with shame, guilt and frequently linked with problematic behaviors)

Masturbation, Internet and Sexual Health

One of the major concerns in assessing the internet is the linkage between sexual media and masturbation. Often partners will have different opinions in addressing masturbation. In some opinions, masturbation is a healthy outlet within a relationship and should be incorporated into an individual’s relationship with him or her self as well as his or her partner. Masturbation can be a way to discover what you like sexually, as well as what parts of you body are most arousing or sensitive. In this example, masturbation can lead to a heightened awareness of self that can be shared with your partner. In other opinions, masturbation is a form of settling when the primary partner isn’t available. One example is a guideline within a relationship where you ask the partner if he/she is available for sexual behavior contact before you masturbate. If the partner says, “no” masturbation is allowed. Still other opinions view masturbation as a sin.
The key to the following questions is to clarify your opinions, beliefs and values about masturbation. Consider how the internet has impacted these values. Think about the role of masturbation in your definition of sexual health.

• Under what circumstances are masturbatory behaviors unhealthy for you?
• Under what circumstances are masturbatory behaviors healthy for you?
• What are my current values toward masturbation and fantasy?
• What are my current appropriate masturbation behaviors? (Where, when, how often?)
• What are my guidelines about disclosing my masturbation behaviors to my partner?
• What are my guidelines about disclosing my fantasies to my partner?
• What are my partner’s reaction to these guidelines?

Healthy Solo-sex

"Can you tell me how to masturbate longer than 10 minutes that includes using a dildo?"

Here are eight ideas to prolong things -- in a good way, that is.

Be the turtle
Jacking off is not a race to see who can finish first, although that can be fun, too. Often, a j/o session is a fill-in behavior to boredom, or simply a spontaneous reaction to feeling horny. Think about when you can "schedule" the time and you'll find your j/o sessions will get more intense and powerful.

Not all dildos are created equal
If you are planning on using a dildo, make sure you have a size realistic for you. Anal play requires a lot of lubrication and time to loosen up, so before you grab the dildo modeled after your favorite well-endowed porn star, you might want to think about starting with something smaller. Dildo novices! This means don't just push in the largest thing you can find. Make sure you follow good dildo care by using a condom (condoms can help keep the dildo clean, make them last longer as well as help with clean up).

You might also want to consider trying a butt plug instead. Given the solo process, your hands might be busy with other things, making it difficult to keep the dildo in your body.

Go for the fantasy
Think about your favorite sexual fantasy. Perhaps writing your fantasy out can help expand the fantasy. Identify who, what, when, where, paying attention to the surroundings, smells, sounds, circumstances and details. By identifying your fantasies, you can integrate them into your solo-sex sessions

Really get to know your body
Part of making a solo j/o session fun is the process of discovering which parts of your body are most arousing. Since there are a number of known erogenous parts of your body, go exploring and pay attention to those that are most erogenous for you. Some guys find their nipples arousing. Others find their legs, balls, or neck arousing. Don't forget the anus and the area between the balls and anus. Play, rub, and otherwise stimulate these areas. Move to massaging and playing with the various parts of your body.

Give him a hand
When you stimulate your penis, pay attention to the various ways you can hold your penis. Different grips lead to different experiences. Discover what you like the most, and try other ways, as opposed to simply doing it the same way every time.

Edged out
The typical guy has a time of increasing arousal, a period of time of erection, and then a point where no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop the orgasm. Edge play is the process of approaching this point and then backing down again.

Two's company
One sign of a healthy relationship is the ability to talk about sex, including fantasy and masturbation. Mutual masturbation, dildo play and many of the ideas above can easily be integrated into your relationship. Talk with your partner about what he likes and incorporate them as well. Healthy sexual relationships can include solo masturbation, mutual masturbation and multiple forms of play.

Review and repeat
This is perhaps a task that is great to practice and repeat. Use different positions, body parts, hand holds or other things, such as fabric, or types of lubricants. Try different fantasies and scenarios. In other words, keep changing things up to keep things lively.

Fantasy and Sexual Health

1. R. If I fantasize about sex, I will become obsessed about sexual thoughts.

2. R. It is difficult for me to share my sexual fantasies with a sexual partner(s).

3. Sharing a sexual fantasy with a sexual partner(s) enriches my sex life.

4. Sexual fantasy helps me learn about what I like and don’t like sexually.

5. Sharing a sexual fantasy is a good way to get to know what a sexual partner likes.

6. I enjoy fantasizing about sex.

7. R. I feel guilty when I fantasize about sex.

8. I enjoy hearing about my sexual partner’s sexual fantasies.

9. Sexual fantasy helps me express my sexual desires.

10. Sexual fantasy is safe outlet for behavior I choose not to act upon.

Score 1 point for each yes response for questions 3-6, 9-10
Score 1 point for each no response for questions 1,2 and 8
The higher your score, the more comfortable you are with sexual fantasies

Sexualizations and Sexual Fantasies.

The idea of sexual fantasies is a topic that also has many negative societal biases and messages that need to be addressed. To begin with, I make a distinction between a sexualization and a sexual fantasy by using a “3-second rule.” This rule is simply based on clinical experience and not necessarily based on any hard and fast research. Nor does it have to be 3-seconds: it could be 2 or 4 seconds as well. As a clinician, I hold that sexualizations are normal, happen outside our realm of control and are part of the sexual drive. In this approach, sexualizations simply happen. They just are. A sexualization is recognition that someone is attractive to you. Often sexualizations can occur outside of one’s primary sexual partner template. A “straight” man can recognize a handsome guy just as a gay man can recognize a beautiful woman. In these situations, there is simply a recognition of the sexuality and sensuality of another person.

What moves a sexualization to the level of a sexual fantasy is the ongoing thought and/or fixation on a particular person, thought or object. That was how the three second rule was created; it was in response to clients asking for a ruler on when that process switches from a sexualizaiton to a fantasy. Throughout the day, many sexualizations occur. It is how a person responds to the sexualization that raises the issue to be addressed.

Fantasies are normal.

Generally speaking, the reality is that fantasies are simply normal aspects of our sexuality. Everybody has fantasies and daydreams. In and of themselves, fantasies are neutral. To be clear, the key concept in this section is that fantasies are normal and healthy. At the same time, it is important to highlight that some fantasies are risky or unhealthy. The content, frequency, intensity and focus of the fantasy may raise some issues to be addressed. This may require you to address your thoughts about fantasies and to examine the content of the fantasies.

Fantasies can be helpful in understanding ourselves and our sexuality. Through examining our fantasies, we can get a sense of what we find arousing. We can understand our needs and share with our partner and support network. Sometimes we can channel our energy into sexual fantasies to allow a healthy release. Sharing our fantasies is difficult for some people, yet the process of sharing these fantasies can create positive intimacy with the other person. And we can experience fantasies about things we would never choose to act upon.

Misperceptions of fantasies.

In moving toward sexual health, it is important to highlight and clarify misperceptions that exist about fantasies. Having fantasies does not mean you are over-sexed even if you fantasize about sex or think about sex often. Sexual fantasies are thoughts and feelings about sexual behaviors and ideas that we find sexually arousing. Sexual fantasies may represent what turns us on. Sexual fantasies are also a form of self-stimulation. Simply having a fantasy does not mean we have to act on that fantasy. Having a fantasy does not mean that we will automatically follow through with the behavior in the fantasy. Fantasies exist only in thoughts and the subsequent feelings; they are not themselves real. That also means that when we have a fantasy of a negative traumatic event, the fantasy is also real.

Application of the primary thinking error and fantasies.

Morin identified the concept of “core erotic thought” which he used to highlight how our thoughts also shape our sexual fantasies. And by examining our most powerful fantasies, we can gain insight into how we see our basic self. In his work, Erotic Mind, he highlighted how fantasies changed in light of the therapeutic process. Specifically, he highlighted how negative and damaging fantasies slowly decreased as the clients addressed the underlying issues. As they moved toward health, Morin argues that the fantasies changed. The application for this section is to emphasize the importance of not only acknowledging the fantasies, but to study them for insights into your underlying patterns of thinking.

Unhealthy Fantasies.

Occasionally, thoughts of inappropriate or unhealthy sexual behaviors may occur as themes in your fantasies. This is important issue for individuals with a pattern of sexually offending behavior. It is also true for individuals in chemical dependency recovery when the fantasies including drug use and sexual behavior mixed together. To a degree, this is simply normal. How you respond to the unhealthy fantasies when you notice they are occurring is the key step toward sexual health. To the degree that you can, it is important that you stop the fantasy or actively encouraging it. This can be done by changing your environment, talking with your network, etc. It is important that you do not masturbate to these fantasies because you might make them stronger or more frequent. An escalation of unhealthy behaviors may occur if you do not interrupt the fantasy cycle. If you recognize the unhealthy fantasies are increasing either in frequency, intensity or content, it might be a warning sign or high risk behavior. Letting your support system know that you are having unhealthy or risky fantasies can be a part of your prevention plan.

If sexual fantasies are used to avoid and/or escape from reality or are the only form of sexual expression, then I would also express concern. Also, some clients have used fantasies as a form of escape from unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Finally, for some people, particular fantasies can start the acting out cycle. Taken together, these types of fantasies should be avoided. They key is for you to figure out which fantasies are healthy and unhealthy.

Creating Healthy Fantasies

We can use sexual fantasies to move toward sexual health. This can be through harm reduction techniques, as well as positive sexuality. In our fantasies, we can create and clarify our values toward sexuality and toward others. One assignment I provide was listed in the sexual history. Identify three favorite fantasies. I’d encourage you to write these out and be as detailed and specific as possible. As you review the responses to those questions, consider the following questions:

What is the content of the fantasy? Explain the 5 Ws: who, what, when, why, when. As you answer these questions, think about how the content fits in with your components of sexual health. What, if any, risk factors or forms of acting out are present? If they are present, how do you change and/or slowly move the plot line of the fantasy toward something that is healthy for you. In this sense, you can shape the outcome of the fantasy. If this fantasy was to occur, what would you think and feel as a result?