Neither Gay Nor Bi: Understanding men who have sex with men (MSM)

I finished my second power point for a second presentation tomorrow at the University of Minnesota "Beyond the Boxes" Conference. If you would like a copy of the pdf handout, please contact nsimon@pride-institute.com.

The first power point on Internet Sexual Compulsivity is also available.

Do I have to be out

How does coming out fit into our identity? The question of coming out raises the issue of private and public personas. How much of our life is private and how much is public. This public side of our identity is the stuff we show with most people. Obviously, the private side is the part of our self that we keep "close to our chest."

There are many reasons for not disclosing sexual identity. For some people it's about safety. I've worked with people in the corrections field who suggest that coming out in prison is not a safe place. Then there is the current military policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" which highlights the consequences of coming out. And still today, in some countries, coming out risks a death sentence.

Some people choose not to be out for other reasons such as privacy, financial or familial. Others believe we have arrived at point in history were the need to be out simply doesn't matter anymore. We've made so much progress as a group that we simply don't need to push the issue any further.

On the other hand, there are people who encourage everyone to be out. There is often an implicit assumption that being out is a healthy expression of a LGBT identity. The assumption is you need to "embrace" your sexuality. Being out is a statement that being gay is OK. A major step toward personal growth is the affirmation of all aspects of a person's life.

Then there is the idea that being visibly out is a public statement and as a result helps to encourage public acceptance thus creating a safer environment for those who come out later. The modeling behavior attempts to provide support and encouragement of this aspect. In my opinion, the stories shared over the last few similar articles highlight the benefits of coming out. In those stories others found support and encouragement for their process.

Being out is also a political statement. Since at least the 1950s, individuals have stressed the political aspect of being out as a confrontation to the straight world. Stonewall and the subsequent 30+ years of Pride Celebrations reflect coming out as a political claim. Harvey Milk and the 2008 movie is a recent expression of the political impact of coming out; his witness transformed the political reality of both San Francisco, and eventually the world. Obviously we're not done with the political nature of equality; coming out is a contribution in small and large ways to ongoing political discourse. As a group, the more visible we are, the less they can ignore us.

This post is a start of the conversation. What are your thoughts? Should a person be out and why?

How do I know I'm straight or Sexual Identity Development for all.

Identity is a statement “this is who I am.” In the process of clarifying identity, individuals go through a process of reviewing aspects of their lives sorting through events responding “like-me/not like me.” While this is an oversimplification, identify development is the attempt to both define and understand who we are. Obviously this also occurs in the area of sexuality. Previous blog entries highlight the sexual identity development for LGBT individuals, but there an interactive process that everyone goes through in forming their understanding of their sexual self. The purpose of this entry is to summarize this process and the tasks that everyone addresses in forming sexual identity.

The process consists of five dimensions.
1) Unexplored commitment reflects the fact that many people simply don’t think about the topic of sexuality.
2) Active exploration refers to the process of seeking information regarding sexuality. This dimension addresses the six tasks below. The person actively seeks information via the Internet, therapy, friends, family, society, etc.
3) Diffusion reflects a time of struggle and confusion. “What I thought I know is no longer the case.” This is a time of rejecting social norms about what I should be, and a time of exploration sometimes through trial and error.
4) Deepening and commitment of the identification of the individual’s likes and dislikes and an increased level of comfort with the self. For many people who identify of “straight” this may be occur without the exploration and diffusion dimensions.
5) Synthesis is a process of integration of all aspects of the self. There is an internal congruence between the self, values, behaviors, likes and dislikes. There is also an integration of the sexual identity with all other aspects of the person’s life including gender, racial, religious, and familial.

During the process, all individuals need to address the following 6 tasks.

1) What are my sexual needs?
Sexual needs are defined as a desire, appetite, biological necessity, impulses, interest, and/or libido with respect to sex. How much sex do I want, what are my levels of interest, etc.
2) What are my sexual values?
Sexual values are defined as moral evaluations, judgments, and/or standards about what is appropriate, acceptable, desirable, and innate sexual behavior.
3) What do I like?
I need to know what behaviors I like to engage in relating to or based on sexual attraction, sexual arousal, sexual gratification, or reproduction (e.g., fantasy, holding hands, kissing, masturbation, sexual intercourse).
4) Who do I like?
I need to figure out what are the physical, emotional, intellectual, interpersonal, economic, spiritual, or other attributes of a sexual partner.
5) How do I let others know?
This involves my skills in letting others know I’m interested. This can include verbal or nonverbal communication, and direct and indirect signals (e.g., flirting, eye contact, touching, vocal quality, compliments, suggestive body movements or postures).
6) How do I label myself.?
This is related, but different from “who do I like.” “Who do I like” refers to the attractions, but sexual orientation identity is how I define myself. This is self-defined, whether or not it is shared with others. Examples include heterosexual, straight, bicurious, bi/straight, heteroflexible, pansexual, kink, questioning, bisexual, gay, lesbian, and queer, among others.




For more information see:
Worthington R., Bielstein Savoy, H., Dillon F., & Vernaglia, E. (2002) Heterosexual Identity Development: A Multidimensional Model of Individual and Social Identity The Counseling Psychologist 30; 496 DOI: 10.1177/00100002030004002

Bisexuality

Yes Virginia, there really is bisexuality.*

The recent opinion editorials and responses highlight how much of a flashpoint this topic is in the LGBT community. As fun as it is to banter about, what does the research suggest? In the case of bisexuality, the picture is “Yes, there is bisexuality.”*

Every once in a while the research makes the picture more confusing. The “*” requires us to look at the fine print. The fine print almost always requires a clarification of what we mean by the term “bisexual.” The lack of precision in understanding the term is the source of much of the confusion.

Starting with the granddaddy of psychology, Sigmund Freud defined bisexuality as the ability to get sexual pleasure from a male or female. Strictly speaking, he emphasized genital satisfaction and suggested since all of us can be sexually stimulated by anyone we are all bisexual. Obviously, this view has significant limitations.

The concept of “situational sexuality” applies Freud’s theory. This is behavior where a “straight” guy engages in same-sex behavior. This type of behavior is often present in prisons, same-same sex institutions and other times when the only available partner is the same sex. Other times include when a person is under the influence of chemicals or is engaging in compulsive sexual behavior. Joe Kort, a noted gay author, talks about 12 types of situations where this can occur. You can read more at http://www.straightguise.com/.

In a similar way, a “gay-guy” can engage in genital contact with a woman. Men who consider themselves gay have sex with women for any number of reasons, ranging from wanting children, denial of their orientation, social pressure or various other reasons. This is why researchers emphasize same-sexual behavior versus same-sex identity. Behavior is what I “do” whereas identity is how I see/label myself.

The fact that we perform sexually with anyone raises a problem. Using an analogy, simply because it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck doesn’t mean it’s a duck. If it is not a duck, what else could it be?

Many people in the coming out process misuse the term bisexual. It's their way of attempting to minimize their gay identity as they come to terms with a same-sex identity (see “identity tolerance” in the coming out process: This part of the coming out process is where I think the most damage is done to those who have a true bisexual orientation. I wonder if the reaction to the question of bisexuality is a projection of “been there, done that” assuming that anyone who says they are “bi” is “doing that” as well.

Moving away from a view of sexual orientation as an "either/or" idea, the “granddaddy” of sexuality research, Alfred Kinsey developed the “Kinsey” continuum to highlight attraction on a scale of 1-6. Typically “straights” score themselves 1-2 and “gay/lesbians” score themselves 5-6. In the middle are those who are attracted to the both sexes, the “bisexuals.” Kinsey’s research estimates about 4.1% of women and 9.6% of men are bisexual. Another major study (National Health and Social Life Study) estimates 3.3% of women and 5.8% of men identify as bisexual.

Another way to confuse the picture is to think about sexual orientation beyond simply genital expression, and look at many different variables. One researcher uses 7 different variables to define sexual orientation such as genital behavior, attractions, emotional attraction, etc. An extended conversation of the seven variables probably isn’t helpful, but you get the idea that the answer to bisexuality will “depend” on how you ask the question.

So, yes, Virginia there really is bisexuality.* But this is just the start of the conversation. It is important to read the small print.

Additional reading: For those who want to get into the details, a great summary of the research is: Rust, Paula C. Rodríguez (2002) Bisexuality: The state of the union. Annual Review of Sex Research, 13. 180-240.