Adapted from: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Sexual Health
Weston Edwards, PhD, LP
Much of couples therapy focuses on communication skills. Using the helpful metaphor of language, “undoing the assumption that we all speak the same language” is often the first place of intervention. Consider the following examples. English is the predominant language in the United States, and the assumption is that we all speak English. Yet, even within the United States, different words are used to describe the same concept. For example, New Yorkers enjoying a cola drink might be drinking soda, but Midwesterners enjoying the same drink would be drinking pop. The same holds true in other English speaking countries, like England. Americans on a road trip store their luggage in the trunk of their car, but the English store it in the boot. And when the Americans arrive at their destination, they might take the elevator up to their desired floor, but the Australians might take the lift. Likewise, there are significant differences between Spanish in Latin America and Spanish in Spain. Even Arabic has multiple dialects, and these differences are barriers to communication. So even though people may speak one common language, it is crucial to be aware of differences present in that one common language. Here, we refer to those differences as “dialects.” It is important to learn how to understand and translate those dialects.
Similarly, in relationships, it is important to remember that we all have different dialects of communication. These dialects are informed and shaped by the multiple cultures we belong to (age, race/ethnicity, religion, gender, etc.), our family of origin, and our life history. Often, there is enough commonality to be able to communicate with a partner. Most relationship problems stem from communication problems that show up in the guise of unmet expectations and assumptions, hidden wants and needs, past hurts and pains, and hoped for joys and goals.
A classic example is fighting. In some families, conflict is forbidden. A partner learns that anger cannot be expressed. Another partner may come from a family where conflict is resolved quickly and respectfully. When two partners come together, the dialect of conflict is an obstacle to be resolved. The resolution is often as simple as teaching each other their respective dialects. The same idea can be applied to mundane things, like the level of cleanliness in the house, or difficult areas, such as sexual expression, needs and values.
The difficulty in this process is that much of our dialect regarding relationships is automatic and habitual. We assume everyone has the same language, mannerisms, assumptions, and expectations in a relationship. That assumption is often the source of the relationship problems. Teaching each other your individual dialects, and learning to translate your partner’s dialect is a necessary skill for building powerful and strong relationships.
Consider the following questions, first for yourself and then your partner. The key is to focus on your language beyond verbal words. What are the non-verbal’s that you use?
• How do you express anger?
• How do you know if your partner is angry?
• How do you express happiness?
• How do you express that you are horny?
• How do you express sadness?
• Identify 5-6 pet-peeves in your relationship. What do they mean to you?
• What are additional feelings, or issues important to you? Why?
• How does your partner express anger?
• How does your partner know if you are angry?
• How does your partner express happiness?
• How does your partner express that he/she is horny?
• How does your partner express sadness?
• Identify 5-6 pet-peeves your partner has in the relationship. What does it mean to him/her?
• What are additional feelings, or issues important to your partner? Why?
Assignment:
1) Review your responses to the lists above.
2) How do you react (healthy or unhealthy) when you see your partner communicating on these levels?
3) What is a positive response I can do to clarify the non-verbal communication?
For example.
A subtle sign that my partner is angry is her jaw locks up. Her tone of voice is “fine” and her body language is “fine,” but I can see a difference in her face/jaw. As a result, I get defensive, thinking I did something wrong. One of my non-verbal behaviors is to leave the room and go watch TV creating distances. This starts the dance of a conflict that culminates in a verbal argument. What can I do differently?
Showing posts with label open relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label open relationship. Show all posts
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Importance and Difficulty of Integrity in Sexual Health
Link to Dan Savage and Mistermix
The above link describes another public scandal regarding sexuality. What both Dan Savage and Mistermix highlight is the importance of sexuality in a person's life, the desire for sexual satisfaction, and the danger when you're not able to resolve these difficulties in your relationship. Integrity in sexual health requires personal responsibility to declare your personal definition of sexual health. Sometimes this requires challenging the stereotypes of what others think you should want, and choosing your path toward sexual health.
The above link describes another public scandal regarding sexuality. What both Dan Savage and Mistermix highlight is the importance of sexuality in a person's life, the desire for sexual satisfaction, and the danger when you're not able to resolve these difficulties in your relationship. Integrity in sexual health requires personal responsibility to declare your personal definition of sexual health. Sometimes this requires challenging the stereotypes of what others think you should want, and choosing your path toward sexual health.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Types of Relationships
Culture is very powerful in shaping our view of what is a healthy relationship. Our current culture emphasizes that sexual behavior should occur within a monogamous relationship, and that only monogamous relationships are healthy. How much do you agree with this expectation? In fact, there are a multitude of different types of relationships. Sexual health requires that you clarify the type of relationship you want. This is a controversial opinion where other clinicians may legitimately differ. The primary approach taken in this book is that you have the responsibility to choose the type of life you want to live regarding sexual expression.
As a summary, I highlight three types of sexual relationships:
Celibacy
Celibacy is a choice to not engage in any sexual contact with anyone. How people define celibacy varies. There are opinions saying that any sexual expression including masturbation, fantasy and use of sexually explicit material would be unhealthy. Other opinions focus celibacy as not allowing any genital contact with another person. Some religious traditions impose celibacy as the only form of sexual expression for groups of people (usually LGBT individuals or non-married straight couples). Also, some religious traditions impose celibacy as a discipline in order to for a person to qualify to be a minister in that tradition.
Rightfully understood, however, celibacy is less about telling yourself “you can’t do that” and instead emphasizing something greater in a person’s life. Celibacy allows a greater commitment to the major focus in a person’s life. In this approach, celibacy is believed to facilitate other types of intimate relationships. Many religious traditions have identified celibacy as a “gift of the Spirit” referring to it as a gift from God. In my opinion, a healthy expression of celibacy is possible. It does take a bit of work and self-understanding. And celibacy doesn’t “turn-off” the sexual energy within a person. If you choose this, you must find healthy ways to channel your sexual energy. It is very important for celibacy to be chosen for the right reason. In my experience, I’ve run into many individuals who “choose” celibacy out of fear, a history of abuse, or low self-esteem. If these are the motivating factors for choosing celibacy, it is only a matter of time that any commitment to or vow of celibacy will be broken.
Monogamy
Most of this workbook is built on the assumption of monogamy that is typically defined as sexual contact exclusively between two individuals within some type of committed relationship. Even this definition has different interpretations resulting in confusion and conflict. For some people, monogamy is expanded to prevent any emotional relationships with anyone but the primary partner. Some opinions of monogamy also see any use of sexually explicit material as a violation of the monogamy rule. As expected, in these examples monogamy is less about an expression of love but an expression of fear and attempts to control the partner. There is a decided lack of trust.
Healthy monogamy, in my opinion, is about trust and commitment. It’s working with your partner to put the other first. And paradoxically, in putting the other first, your needs are simultaneously met (partially because the other is putting you first). Monogamy isn’t passive, but requires tremendous amounts of work. The workbook is designed to start the necessary conversations regarding healthy monogamy.
Open Relationships
A final type of relationship discussed here is open relationships (typically defined as a relationship where there exists a primary sexual and emotional partner followed by a secondary partner or partners). Even within this concept there is a variety of definitions and expressions. If you choose an open relationship it is important for you and your primary partner to clarify ground rules and expectations. When, where, with whom and how often are all topics to be addressed. What are the plans for communicating and coping with fear, jealousy and insecurity? What are the safer-sex rules?
If you want an open relationship, examine what unmet needs (if any) exist within your primary relationship. Significant reflection should occur within your support network to clarify the reasons you want an open relationship. In particular, be careful that you are not simply trying to get out of the primary relationship. If the primary relationship is not healthy, it is important to address the issues first. If it should end, do this with integrity instead of forcing a rift that ends the relationship. One requirement is that all partners be open and honest in the conversation. Both partners must agree with a sense of internal integrity with any decision. It might be better to end a relationship than agree to a type of relationship that is inconsistent with your values.
Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.
As a summary, I highlight three types of sexual relationships:
Celibacy
Celibacy is a choice to not engage in any sexual contact with anyone. How people define celibacy varies. There are opinions saying that any sexual expression including masturbation, fantasy and use of sexually explicit material would be unhealthy. Other opinions focus celibacy as not allowing any genital contact with another person. Some religious traditions impose celibacy as the only form of sexual expression for groups of people (usually LGBT individuals or non-married straight couples). Also, some religious traditions impose celibacy as a discipline in order to for a person to qualify to be a minister in that tradition.
Rightfully understood, however, celibacy is less about telling yourself “you can’t do that” and instead emphasizing something greater in a person’s life. Celibacy allows a greater commitment to the major focus in a person’s life. In this approach, celibacy is believed to facilitate other types of intimate relationships. Many religious traditions have identified celibacy as a “gift of the Spirit” referring to it as a gift from God. In my opinion, a healthy expression of celibacy is possible. It does take a bit of work and self-understanding. And celibacy doesn’t “turn-off” the sexual energy within a person. If you choose this, you must find healthy ways to channel your sexual energy. It is very important for celibacy to be chosen for the right reason. In my experience, I’ve run into many individuals who “choose” celibacy out of fear, a history of abuse, or low self-esteem. If these are the motivating factors for choosing celibacy, it is only a matter of time that any commitment to or vow of celibacy will be broken.
Monogamy
Most of this workbook is built on the assumption of monogamy that is typically defined as sexual contact exclusively between two individuals within some type of committed relationship. Even this definition has different interpretations resulting in confusion and conflict. For some people, monogamy is expanded to prevent any emotional relationships with anyone but the primary partner. Some opinions of monogamy also see any use of sexually explicit material as a violation of the monogamy rule. As expected, in these examples monogamy is less about an expression of love but an expression of fear and attempts to control the partner. There is a decided lack of trust.
Healthy monogamy, in my opinion, is about trust and commitment. It’s working with your partner to put the other first. And paradoxically, in putting the other first, your needs are simultaneously met (partially because the other is putting you first). Monogamy isn’t passive, but requires tremendous amounts of work. The workbook is designed to start the necessary conversations regarding healthy monogamy.
Open Relationships
A final type of relationship discussed here is open relationships (typically defined as a relationship where there exists a primary sexual and emotional partner followed by a secondary partner or partners). Even within this concept there is a variety of definitions and expressions. If you choose an open relationship it is important for you and your primary partner to clarify ground rules and expectations. When, where, with whom and how often are all topics to be addressed. What are the plans for communicating and coping with fear, jealousy and insecurity? What are the safer-sex rules?
If you want an open relationship, examine what unmet needs (if any) exist within your primary relationship. Significant reflection should occur within your support network to clarify the reasons you want an open relationship. In particular, be careful that you are not simply trying to get out of the primary relationship. If the primary relationship is not healthy, it is important to address the issues first. If it should end, do this with integrity instead of forcing a rift that ends the relationship. One requirement is that all partners be open and honest in the conversation. Both partners must agree with a sense of internal integrity with any decision. It might be better to end a relationship than agree to a type of relationship that is inconsistent with your values.
Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.
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