Desire as Sacred

Even when it degenerates into addiction, there is something salvageable from the original impulse that can only be described as sacred.

Epstein, Mark (2006-01-05). Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught (Kindle Locations 161-162). Penguin Group. Kindle Edition. 

One of my areas of specialty is Sex, Drugs and Recovery (sounds like a great book title).  I am struck by Epstein’s affirming the core energy of desire as healthy and sacred.  In my opinion, the goal of therapy for those in recovery for substance use and sexual compulsivity is the task of rediscovering the sacredness of desire.  It is good.  It is VERY good!

http://livingalifeilovebooks.com/Living_a_Life_I_Love_Books/Drugs,_Sex_and_Recovery.html

The Big “O”rgasm

The Big “O”rgasm

One of the difficulties in sexual functioning and sexual expression is the cultural emphasis and priority on orgasm. The belief that every sex act must result in an orgasm can be a barrier to sexual health. This belief can create performance anxiety inhibiting functioning. You may have the thoughts, “It isn’t good sex unless I had an orgasm.” or, “My partner didn’t enjoy the encounter since she didn’t orgasm.” Undoing the mis-perceptions of orgasm are important. (for example, in men, orgasm and ejaculation are different processes. You may not have both occur at the same time.” 

There are alternatives to emphasizing orgasm. The “Tantric” approach to sexuality is an example of an approach to sexuality that often emphasizes the entire sexual experience and not orgasm. Many of the exercises in the workbook are designed to create pleasurable experiences without an emphasis on orgasm. Yes, you can move any experience toward orgasm, but you don’t have to. The development of sexual skills exercise highlights how orgasm is only one part of the process. All the other skills can be very pleasurable. The exercises on sensual touch and erotic touch are examples of the process. It is possible to have an amazing sexual experience without orgasm.

As you move forward in your sexual health, pay attention to the messages you’ve heard about orgasms. Consider how these messages relate to your chemical use and sexual satisfaction.  One quick way to identify your feelings is to reflect on what you feel when a sexual partner doesn’t orgasm in your presence.  

Your body and sexual health.

In moving toward sexual health and recovery, it is important to engage not only your thoughts and feelings in the process, but also your body. Sexual health will include the integration of your body with your thoughts and feelings. There are a number of items to consider as you gain awareness of your body. Pay attention to the touch. How soft/hard is the experience? What is the level of pressure? Where is the touch occurring? Notice the temperature; is it warm cold? What sounds are present? How comfortable do you feel in your body? Does it appear fluid or stiff? What smells are present? Any tastes? What do you see? These are questions to help you discover your body in the experience of sexual health.

What is sexual health?

“You simply remain authentic: you don’t know what is good and what is bad, you don’t know what is positive and what is negative. You are simply authentic. This authenticity will allow you to have a glimpse of the real.” OSHO

What is sexual health?

There are an abundance of formal definitions of sexual health. And still, what is sexual health? The quote reflects the key to sexual health in my opinion. It is simply authenticity. It is neither good, nor bad, simply authentic. And it is YOUR authenticity, not what you think others think should be authentic to you. Yes, that reads awkwardly, but the key is to focus on your authenticity. Clients will often worry about what family, friends, partners, and others think is important that they loose their voice.

Authenticity is more than simply doing what you want when it comes to sexuality; it is engaging in behaviors that express the core of who you are. The key for me is the core; your heart of hearts. From that core, sexual health is authentic.


OSHO (1999) Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear. OSHO International: New York.

This is currently available as a free kindle ebook on Amazon. (The kindle version is no longer free, updated 11/16)

Sex and Ice Cream

Sometimes it is easier to explore sexual health issues through a use of a metaphor. A metaphor I like regarding sexual expression is ice cream.

Who doesn’t like ice cream, one of god’s primary gifts to humanity! Imagine, if you will, sitting down with a serving of vanilla ice cream. Think of the creamy feeling, and the taste of vanilla as you eat the first spoonful. Even the frozen Vanilla Yogurts are good. The soft-serve ice creams are great when you want something in a hurry. Some of the premium brands have done a great job making vanilla ice cream almost a spiritual experience! The extra cream makes the texture extra smooth. Using real vanilla, perhaps with pieces of vanilla beans creates an amazing experience.

Because vanilla ice cream is so good, and so many people like it, I have decided to impose a new rule. Vanilla ice cream in all its variation is the ONLY form of ice cream that is good/holy/sacred. Only vanilla ice cream can be created, served, and sold. I have declared this, so it is so.

Absurd, isn’t it!

But that is what we’ve done with sexual expression. Individuals in power eloquently describe why a particular form of sexual expression is good/holy/sacred. Then they impose on everyone else this value.

Absurd, isn’t it!

Sexual health requires you to make a choice about what is good/holy/sacred in your life. Yes, you might like “vanilla” but “vanilla” is far from the only flavor of sexual expression. What do you like? Choose.

When should I get into a relationship?

I was asked a question about the right time to get in a relationship for someone who struggles with sexual compulsivity. Obviously the only answer I can give is depends. I do have some benchmarks that I want a client to consider: if you answer “no,” or “maybe” to any of the benchmarks below, I don’t think you’re ready. Ultimately it is up to the you, the client, to consider when it is the right time to get into a relationship.

Benchmarks to consider:

1) Are you aware of your acting out cycle? This requires you to understand the components of the acting out cycle, different ways you act out, and the underlying factors associated with the acting out cycle. If you don’t understand the words in this benchmark, I don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship. (An example as a HINT: You’re aware of the thinking errors and subsequent feelings of shame that result from a history of sexual abuse and how they contribute to your chemical use and/or sexual acting out.)

2) You’ve addressed the major issues contributing to the acting out cycles in #1. My workbook has a list of 22 major issues that often need to be addressed. These are listed elsewhere in the blog or at the website for the workbook. (See table of contents). While I don’t think these issues have to be completely resolved, I do recommend that you have a basic understanding of how they impact your life.

3) Do you have prevention plans to address the topics in #1? Each feeling, thinking error and high-risk situation needs a basic prevention plan.

4) Are you open to a conversation about your history with your potential partner? If you’re not willing to share your history with him/her, you risk setting up the trap of secrecy and the subsequent trust issues. Repeatedly I’ve shared that my bias is full disclosure. Timing and support (usually in couples therapy) is important at this point.

5) Are you aware of your sexual interests, relationship needs, intimacy goals, and able to communicate these to your partner? Is this sharing mutual?

6) Are you talking about all of these benchmarks with your support network and your potential partner?

While these may seem easy benchmarks to read, I know that the underlying work is substantial. Perfection isn’t required, but in the end understanding the substance of these benchmarks will help you strengthen the relationship.

Dating and Sexual Health Recovery

As a person starts to address sexually compulsive behaviors, they sooner or later start the process of moving toward meeting others including dating and eventually courtship. The suggestions below aren’t the “how-to-date” suggestions. For those tips, I refer you to other resources (Dating for Dummies). Instead, I want to focus on the bigger question of how does dating fit into your recovery process. The 8 questions are designed to help frame the desire to date as progress, and a tool for your ongoing recovery. While perfection isn’t required (or possible), addressing these concerns will increase your chance of positive experiences.

1. Clarify if you are ready to date. Dating requires that you have a sense of self, and that you are comfortable in your overall progress. Dating requires assertive communication. It requires that you’ve defined your basic boundaries including level of disclosure, when disclosure will occur, and a multitude of desires and wants. Examining past dating experiences and addressing triggers that led to relapses is important. Talking with your support network and addressing their feedback is also important.
2. Clarify your boundaries about what behaviors would be acceptable. Set up explicit boundaries about the type of sexual behavior that can/won’t occur. This needs to be clarified before you start dating.
3. Identify your goals. Be honest with yourself and your support network about what you are looking for in your desire to start dating. Are you looking for friendship? sex? relationship? children? None of these is better than any other; but the key is to be honest. Develop the skills to effectively communicate these goals with your potential partners. Communicate and get feedback from your support network.
4. Clarify the types of “date” you want. Sometimes starting small is a better plan. You might go on a “coffee-date” on a Saturday morning. You might do a lunch-date. Instead of calling it a date, describe it as a social chat or a meet-and-great. Taking the word “date” off the table, and focusing on the social interaction can reduce stress and anxiety. Scheduling it during the day, or mornings (versus Friday evening) can create clarity regarding your goals.
5. Identify activities that you want to do. In identifying your activities, use it to start conversations about what your potential dating partner likes to do. Think outside the box. Review the suggestions on intimacy to consider alternatives to the classic date. You might go to church, go to a museum, go to lecture, etc. Consider volunteering to channel the energy, but also focus outside of yourself.
6. Create safety plans. Before you go, make sure you schedule an out. If you’re going for coffee-date, set up an out at 1 pm by saying I have a meeting with a friend at 1. And, set up a meeting with a person from your support network for 1 pm to talk about the experience.
7. Remember dating for what dating is. It’s a chance to meet and interact with others. You’re not making a lifetime commitment to the person on a single date. By addressing the expectations and assumptions you bring to the conversation, you can maintain your focus.
8. Address known concerns before hand. For example, if you’re an introvert develop topics you feel comfortable sharing and asking about. Make sure you are asking questions versus letting the other person set the agenda. If you’re the classic extrovert, make sure you listen as well.

Unlinking Sex and Drugs

Yesterday I posted a strategy for addressing sexual health issues. Today, I wanted to highlight the strategy can be useful for unlinking sex and drugs.

It is important to be aware how the linkage between sex and drug shows up. For some people, they need a drug to help them with sex. A number of people might use alcohol or pot, or other “downer” to help them address the anxiety they feel around sex. To help move toward sexual behavior, they ingest the drug to calm down.

For others, particularly meth users, the power they feel as a result of the drug creates such (false) feelings of self-esteem that they go overboard in the realm of sexual behavior. Meth as a sex drug has been documented elsewhere; what hasn’t been talked about is struggle with unlinking sex and drugs. I’ve worked with enough people who struggle and describe stories where months and years after their last use, any sexual behavior triggers euphoric recall on drugs. Many of their fantasies include drug use. When masturbating, the only way they “get-off” is by including chemical use in their thoughts. This is a major issue regarding recovery and sexual health

In all the examples above, the desire is to unlink the relationship between sex and drugs. In many ways, the strategy highlighted yesterday (SEE BLOG, 12/29/09) is the same strategy. I provide a few nuances here to clarify the process.

1) Start slow as well. Review the process as described.
2) When you move through the process, it is important to “tell on yourself” when you experience the linkage of sex and drugs. This will not be a quick process, but it is a matter of talking through the experiences as they occur. With your support system, be as descriptive, thorough, and honest as possible. The goal is to put everything on the table. In the process, you might discover something you need to address in your overall recovery.
3) As you move through the various stages, when you experience the linkage I would encourage you to take a break. For example, perhaps when you are making out with someone, and you experience the linkage of sex and drugs, it would be helpful to stop for a while. The experience may seem frustrating, and it probably will be. The key is to talk it through, including talking how you are experiencing the linkage. This also includes talking with your partner BEFORE the process as well. As I mentioned yesterday, couples therapy and support group for both you and your partner may be necessary.

Sexual Functioning and Development of Sexual Skills

When asked to define healthy sexual expression, many individuals first respond with the idea of sexual intercourse. They envision a typical explicit movie and assume that he/she needs to have sex “like them.” For many individuals, this is unrealistic.

A number of sexual functioning problems exist (See the topic on Sexual Functioning). In addition, many individuals struggle with sexual shame that they simply shut down any sexual energy. Individuals who struggle with sexual anorexia/sexual avoidance may believe they lack a level of competence in the skills to engage in sexual behavior. For individuals who struggle with sexual anxiety, the necessary skills evoke such anxiety that his/her performance results in unpleasurable experiences creating a cycle that leads to additional anxiety. Individuals who are sexually compulsive will sometimes focus on one type of sexual experience at the expense of all other types of sexual intimacy. In these examples, one goal of sexual health is the development of the knowledge, comfort, and skills to engage in a variety of forms of sexual expression.

Sexual Health requires self-knowledge, and the awareness to assertively communicate what you want. I’ve heard stories from individuals about how they were looking for one type of sexual intimacy, but didn’t know how to ask for it, or how to maintain the boundary if they knew what they were looking for. Many times, the individual and the partner don’t feel comfortable talking about the different types of sexual intimacy.

Below is a list of different types of sexual intimacy. They are listed, in my opinion, on increasing levels of intensity. Other clinicians may have a different order. While we may have different orders, it is generally believed that clients need to develop the skills at each level, moving toward increasingly complex skills. I use the metaphor of math skills. You start with addition and subtraction, moving to multiplication and division before learning about algebra and calculus. Only then would you teach statistics. My goal with this post is to highlight some basic skills and help you eventually move toward increasingly complex forms of sexual expression.

Instructions for the process:
Start with each step. Make sure you absolutely comfortable before you move to the next step. This process can be time consuming (think months). Some steps may be easier than others. It is important to develop and maintain open communication with your partner and his/her willingness to participate; this may require couples therapy. Obviously if you are struggling with this process, quickies or one-time encounters will interfere with this process. The key is to move slowly. When you feel anxiety or uncomfortable, say so, slow down and stop, if necessary. Comfort at each level is necessary before moving to the next step. After each experience, reflecting and talking about the experience is necessary. The debriefing can give you insight about what was easy, difficult, liked, disliked and whether or not you think you are ready to move toward the next step. If something is too uncomfortable or too anxiety producing, you may have to stay at that step for a while, or even move to an earlier step.

1) Looking
Often the first place to start is an awareness to whom you are attracted. What kind of person do you find attractive? What characteristics do you like? And the characteristics you don’t like. Focus beyond just the physical. If you can, think about why you answered the questions the way you did. Share your responses with your support system. Provide them with examples. Recognizing your attractions leads to the next step.

2) Flirting
Once you start to recognize your attractions, the next step is disclosure with the person to whom you are attracted. Often this is where people get stopped. This step requires addressing fears of rejection. In some cases, rather than dealing with rejection, people either shut down their attractions or settle for someone else.

3) Spending time together
Learning how to spend time together is the next step. Sometimes this may be simply going out to coffee or dinner, or a more formal type of date. Review the (future) topic on dating. Many of these activities can be integrated into this section.

4) Touching
Learning healthy, safe and respectful touch is a next step. This can involve simply holding hands, perhaps dancing or even light kissing. Being able to express what you like and don’t like is a part of this process. At this part of the development, the assumption is that you are “clothes on.” Future steps will introduce the experience of clothes off. At this point, the goal is to simply be comfortable with touch.

5) Kissing and Touching
At this step, you move toward increased physical touch. It is assumed that the clothes are still on, and that the touch focuses on areas other then genitalia and breasts. You might focus on touching parts of the face, hands, head, etc. Once you feel comfortable with types of touch in this area, moving toward touching breasts and genitalia over the clothes is the next step. As with all other steps, it is important to be aware of what you like/dislike and what feels comfortable/uncomfortable. Ongoing communication with your partner and support system is also assumed.

6) Nurturing and Full Body Touch.
In this stage, you still have your clothes on, but the level of touch has increased to the point where multiple parts of the body are touching. You may also be sitting next to each other on a couch, etc, or lying next to each other. This level of touch is sometimes described as “spooning” or laying front to back. As with the previous two steps, starting with touching non-genital parts of the body, moving toward eventual touching the genitals/breasts over the clothes.

7) Nudity
Moving up scale, the next level is being next to each other naked. This may have to start slowly, for example, simply being in undergarments before being naked. Again, starting off touching parts of the body other then breasts and genitalia is important. Once the touch is comfortable, move toward touching your partner’s genitalia as well as being comfortable with your partner’s touch is the next step.

8) Masturbation and Mutual Masturbation
Continuing up the scale of intensity, masturbating yourself in front of your partner and watching your partner masturbate is the next step. Many individuals struggle with shame, guilt, and embarrassment around masturbation. Reviewing the topic on masturbation may be helpful to help you increase self-awareness on this issue. Mutual masturbation (you masturbating your partner and your partner masturbating you) is the next step. At this point, orgasm isn’t the goal, simply being comfortable with the level of touch and sexual intimacy is the key. Perhaps when you are comfortable with the touch, orgasm through masturbation can be introduced at this level. Orgasm may be also be introduced at the later stages as well.

9) Fantasy
I believe fantasies are extremely powerful. I place them this far up the scale because I think they give others a views to the inner most part of the person. It takes a lot of trust to share your fantasy with your partner. This is where reviewing the topic on fantasy as well as your fantasies with your therapist may be helpful before sharing your fantasy with your partner.

10) Penetration
The next step is developing comfort with sexual intercourse. The first step at this point is feeling comfortable with penetration. Understanding what you like/dislike, and what feels comfortable/uncomfortable is the key. Learning strategies and positions for penetration are required as well. Some people struggle with penetration due to pain, shame, or fear. As with all stages, ongoing reflection and conversation in this step is important with your support system and your partner.

11) Orgasm
Clinicians disagree whether orgasm is required in the final stage. I place it at the end because many individuals do see it as the goal and they struggle with experiencing an orgasm. And, obviously, orgasm feels great. Orgasm isn’t always required or needed. It is included, however, because my goal is to help you develop the skills, comfort, and self-awareness to experience orgasm. At this step, all of what you learned in the previous steps is used to facilitate success at this step. It is difficult to provide universal instructions, so working with your support system and your partner is very important.


ASSIGNMENT
1) Review your sex timeline. What parts of the above process do you need to address?
2) What do you need to discuss with your partner?
3) Develop a plan to build your sexual experience and skills.

Do all men cheat

"I met a guy online and we have "played" many times during his lunch break. He is partnered and I am single "in the closet". I have asked him whether he feels bad that he is cheating on his BF. He has mentioned that we do sex acts that his lover does not. I have barebacked him a few times and he doesn't seem to worry that I might give him HIV or an STD. Are all gay relationships like this?"

In short, this guy is playing you. He’s using you and his partner and is putting all of you at risk for HIV/STDs (but frankly, so are you). The lack of honesty in his relationship is a major concern for me.

The fact is, not all gay relationships are like the example you mention. Gay relationships cover the entire spectrum from monogamous partnered relationships to no-strings casual sex relationships. In between are negotiated rules, modified relationships and just about everything else.

What works for me as a healthy relationship includes at least these four values:

Generativity
This is the experience when any sexual behavior makes you feel alive and energized as part of the experience. Your personal identity (and your partner’s) is affirmed, created and even expanded. You can walk away from the experience with your head held high. Sexual behavior is sometimes referred to as “adult play” suggesting a sense of fun and playfulness.

Open and Honest
Healthy sexuality is above board, open, and honest. While you may not talk about the incident with everyone because of discretion, you could disclose the activity. The sexual behavior is consistent with your values.

Consent
Full consent and awareness are present. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. Consent also implies respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e., stop, no, I do not want to), the behavior must stop. Any person can remove consent at any time for any reason.

Responsibility
This value requires you to ultimately assert fully your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. It is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of your values.

I don’t think the situation you describe is open and honest as well as consensual for all involved. I challenge you to think about whether or not having sex with this guy is consistent with YOUR values. I named 4 values above, but you may have additional values that may guide your decision.

Negotiating Sex with your partner part 2

Last week I saw a tremendous response to Negotiating Sex With Your Partner. Many of you emailed me saying you have tried everything I mentioned in my first article but are still having problems. So if you're like many others who've tried to talk to their partner and still have issues, this article is for you.

That first article was an introduction into the basics of negotiating sex in your relationship. If you have shared your likes and dislikes and are still having problems, the next step requires a bit of hard work and honest discussions with your partner and also with yourself.

Prioritizing
Some relationships are not focused on sex because they are rich in other ways, such as shared values or emotional connections. Consider the importance of your sexual request. Are you willing to live without it? In looking at the whole picture you might have to agree not to engage in the behavior. This is often the case in 'kinkier' types of sexual behavior. If you absolutely are unwilling to live without the type of sexual behavior, consider the next two ideas.

Substituting
If your need or desire is important enough that you choose to not live without it, you and your partner need to negotiate an alternative way to get your sexual needs met. This can be difficult and elicit significant fear, jealousy and raise other issues. It may or may not require changes in the type of your relationship. For example, if your partner loves BDSM and you don't, would you be comfortable if your partner visited these kinds of websites in order for him to chat with others so he can indulge in the fantasy? Or, if you are both "bottoms" you may have to incorporate "toys" into the relationship.

Transitioning
In my experience, ongoing and significant issues regarding sex can be symptoms of underlying problems with the relationship. While no one likes to hear it, the failure to arrive at a solution might suggest the relationship may not be a healthy one. A hard and honest look at your relationship may reveal it isn't healthy and may need to end. An example of behavior in an unhealthy relationship might include saying things like “Yes I’ll do it” but never intending to follow through. Or constantly trying to persuade your partner to engage in a behavior is also manipulation and not a healthy sign. If you are both stuck in this area and don't see a solution, seeking outside professional help may be the best and possibly the last option for you.

Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.

Negotiating Sex with your partner part 1

"My partner wants me to talk dirty to him, be rough and call him names. I have a real hard time with any of that even though he's asked me to on more than one occasion."

One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof.

The main goal in any couples counseling relationship is open and honest communication about what you want, what makes you happy, and what you don’t want. A key component of sexual health is a similarity between your values and your behaviors. It's your responsibility to communicate these values with your partner(s). The decision about the degree to which any behavior is consistent with your values ultimately rests with you.

As you think about sex with your partner, there are four general subjects that are important to address.

1) Tell him – Have you communicated what you like and don’t like with your partner? Too many times I’ve run into couples saying to one another “I didn’t know that.” For any number of reasons (shame, self-esteem, fear of being judged, not wanting to upset their partner), clients won’t talk about their likes and dislikes. Now is not the time to be bashful.

2) Ask him – Once you know what you like, do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? It's important not only to know what but why he or she has these interests. For example, I worked with a couple where one guy wouldn’t bottom because it physically hurt. It turned out the pain was due to anal warts, and once those were addressed, the problem went away.

3) Learn – Don't be shy if you don't know how to do something. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you need to learn some basics regarding foreplay, stretching the sphincter muscle, proper clean up and so on.

4) Get help – If after going through the first 3 steps you find you are still having problems, you may want to seek some outside help. This doesn't necessarily mean therapy or counseling, although professional help is a very good option for more challenging problems. Try having a frank, "out of the box" conversation in which you look at creative outlets and avenues to get your sexual needs met. These could include talking to your spiritual adviser, attending a body electric or similar sexuality workshop, or reading "The Joy of Gay Sex." Each of these interventions might be helpful in breaking the log jam in your relationship.

Topic 4: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan

Occasionally, I receive feedback from colleagues that leads to a new topic. A friend suggested that he has worked with clients who need an immediate behavior plan to help them radically interrupt the acting out cycle. Of course, I responded. While it was implicit in the workbook, the conversation lead to a new topic. For those who have the workbook, consider this assignment topic 3.5.


Topic 4: Immediate Short-Term Prevention Plan
Often what brings a person to therapy is the fact that there are immediate behaviors that are interfering in one’s life. These behaviors need to be stopped right away before any additional consequences (legal, emotional, relational) occur. This assignment is to help you clarify what your immediate problem behaviors and develop immediate plans. (By the end of the workbook, you will develop long-term sexual healthy behavior plans.)

To begin with, answer the following questions:
1) Review what brought you into treatment. What are the problematic behaviors?
2) Review the sexual timeline. What are the behaviors that are of immediate concern?
3) Think forward into the future, what current behaviors do you want to stop?

Your assignment is to identify which behaviors you want to stop and to develop the short-term plan to help you meet you goals. For this assignment, these are the most important behaviors that need to stop now. In medical triage, you treat the most important issues first. When someone is bleeding for example, you don’t worry about a temperature until after the bleeding has stopped. Now, think about the plan for the next week, 30 days, or even 90 days. This plan is short term and is meant to help you build on short-term successes. I’ve included some examples of interventions that might be helpful.

1) I will not go online to internet sex sites.
2) I will not go to public sex sites
3) I will not have sex outside my relationship.
4) I will not have sex for the next week (or the next 30 days).
5) I will not masturbate to unhealthy fantasies for the next week.
6) What do I need to put in place to help me succeed


There is a high probability that you might fail. Interrupting and stopping the cycle is difficult. If it was as easy as saying “I’m not going to do this anymore” you would have already stopped! The key is to keep trying and address the issues why you fail. If and when you fail, completing a behavioral analysis (discussed at the end of stage 1)is important. You will be able to use what you learn from the process to uncover your unique components to the acting out cycle (which is addressed next) and help you strengthen your plans.

Healthy Solo-sex

"Can you tell me how to masturbate longer than 10 minutes that includes using a dildo?"

Here are eight ideas to prolong things -- in a good way, that is.

Be the turtle
Jacking off is not a race to see who can finish first, although that can be fun, too. Often, a j/o session is a fill-in behavior to boredom, or simply a spontaneous reaction to feeling horny. Think about when you can "schedule" the time and you'll find your j/o sessions will get more intense and powerful.

Not all dildos are created equal
If you are planning on using a dildo, make sure you have a size realistic for you. Anal play requires a lot of lubrication and time to loosen up, so before you grab the dildo modeled after your favorite well-endowed porn star, you might want to think about starting with something smaller. Dildo novices! This means don't just push in the largest thing you can find. Make sure you follow good dildo care by using a condom (condoms can help keep the dildo clean, make them last longer as well as help with clean up).

You might also want to consider trying a butt plug instead. Given the solo process, your hands might be busy with other things, making it difficult to keep the dildo in your body.

Go for the fantasy
Think about your favorite sexual fantasy. Perhaps writing your fantasy out can help expand the fantasy. Identify who, what, when, where, paying attention to the surroundings, smells, sounds, circumstances and details. By identifying your fantasies, you can integrate them into your solo-sex sessions

Really get to know your body
Part of making a solo j/o session fun is the process of discovering which parts of your body are most arousing. Since there are a number of known erogenous parts of your body, go exploring and pay attention to those that are most erogenous for you. Some guys find their nipples arousing. Others find their legs, balls, or neck arousing. Don't forget the anus and the area between the balls and anus. Play, rub, and otherwise stimulate these areas. Move to massaging and playing with the various parts of your body.

Give him a hand
When you stimulate your penis, pay attention to the various ways you can hold your penis. Different grips lead to different experiences. Discover what you like the most, and try other ways, as opposed to simply doing it the same way every time.

Edged out
The typical guy has a time of increasing arousal, a period of time of erection, and then a point where no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop the orgasm. Edge play is the process of approaching this point and then backing down again.

Two's company
One sign of a healthy relationship is the ability to talk about sex, including fantasy and masturbation. Mutual masturbation, dildo play and many of the ideas above can easily be integrated into your relationship. Talk with your partner about what he likes and incorporate them as well. Healthy sexual relationships can include solo masturbation, mutual masturbation and multiple forms of play.

Review and repeat
This is perhaps a task that is great to practice and repeat. Use different positions, body parts, hand holds or other things, such as fabric, or types of lubricants. Try different fantasies and scenarios. In other words, keep changing things up to keep things lively.

Sexual Wellness at the PFLAG Conference

PFLAG Presentation: On Saturday 9/28, I'm presenting at the Northern Plains Regional PFLAG Conference. Their web site is: http://www.pflagtc.org/

As part of the submission/clarification process, I was asked to integrate a sexual health approach that could apply to everyone, and not just those who struggle with sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction and/or sexual anorexia. I've included the basics of this workshop here. If you have read other blog entries, you'll see similarity between this post and previous posts. The biggest similarity is with the blog "creating your personal definition of sexual health." This post reflects some further development in the past few months.

Toward a Personal Definition of Sexual Health.

To start with, it is important to define sexual health. The definition of sexual health that I like is published by the World Health Organization. They define sexual health as a . . .
“. . . state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled” (WHO, 2002).

The definition is complex and represents nearly 30 years of scholarship and development. Sexual health is more a process than a dichotomy answered by a yes/no response. As treatment continues, the key is to help the client develop and improve his or her sexual health. The theoretical model within this workbook is based on Robinson et al (2002) who provides a model consisting of 10 components and highlights the necessary components of defining healthy sexual behaviors. Integrated into the treatment philosophy is an explicit goal of helping the client clarify his or her appropriate sexual behaviors.

1. Talking About Sex
I ask people to identify (or develop) 5 confidants. This means selecting individuals where they understand all aspects of your responses to the questions below. A common theme is the struggle to be open and honest with the important people in your life. I consistently see how people avoid talking with others, disclosing their sex history, or reaching out for help, or breaking the isolation because of fear and shame. A relevant 12-step tradition is "Our secrets keep us sick." Anything you're not talking with these individuals about is an issue to be addressed.

2. Culture and Sexual Identity

• What are my values I learned about sexuality from my culture, be it in a religious tradition, racial culture, social economic status, or sexual minority culture
• To what degree have these values shaped my thoughts about men and women?
• Do I agree with these values?
• In what way do I disagree?
• When values from different cultures are in conflict, how do I resolve this conflict?
• The five primary values that shape my behavior are?

3. Sexual Anatomy and Functioning
• What questions do I have about sexual anatomy and functioning?
• As I age, I have the following sexual functioning concerns?
• What do I need to learn about my primary partner to help him or her experience sexual health?

4. Sexual Health Care and Safer Sex
• Who is my primary physician? Do I have a relationship with my medical provider where I can talk with him/her regarding my sexual behaviors and questions regarding health issues?
• Identify your safer sex rules?
• Why do I have these boundaries?
• Think about your safer sex behaviors and risky sex behaviors. If I engage in unsafe sexual behaviors or if I place myself at risk for HIV, STD and/or pregnancy risk, my plans to address this are:
• If you are HIV+ what are your rules regarding disclosure of your status to your sexual partners?

5. Challenges and Barriers to Sexual Health
• Chemical Use
• Mental Health
• History of Abuse

6. Body Image
• What are three messages you have about your body?
• What are your plans to create a healthy body image?

7. Masturbation and Fantasy
• Identify three favorite fantasies. Write these out and be as detailed and specific as possible.
• What are my unhealthy fantasies, or fantasies I want to avoid?
• What are my current values toward masturbation and fantasy?
• What are my current appropriate masturbation behaviors? (Where, when how often?)
• What are my rules toward disclosure to my partner of my masturbation behaviors?
• What are my rules toward disclosure of fantasies to your partner?
• Have you reviewed these with your partner? Does he/she agree with these values? If there is disagreement, what is your plan to address the disagreement?
• What are my current values toward sexually explicit material?
• What sexually explicit material is acceptable? Why?
• What sexually explicit material is not acceptable? Why?
• What are the rules in your relationship regarding disclosure of your use of sexually explicit material?

8. Positive Sexuality
• Sexuality is a major focus of energy in your life. The following questions reflect that your sexual energy is healthy and when channeled in healthy ways can bring new life, energy and strengthen relationships both with your partner and with others in your life. The following questions are designed to be integrative. You should have a sense of harmony in your definition within these responses.
• How do you develop new ways of sexual expression?
• How do you express sensuality?
• Who is an appropriate sexual partner? (Age, sex, relationship, etc.)
• What types of sexual behaviors are healthy?
• What types of sexual behavior should be avoided?
• When is it appropriate to be sexually active?
• Where is it appropriate to be sexually active?
• What are healthy reasons to engage in sexual behavior?
• What are unhealthy reasons to engage in sexual behavior?
• What is the preferred level of physical touch?
• What kind of touch is acceptable?
• How will I ask to have my sexual needs met?

9. Intimacy and Relationships
• Identify the top three types of intimacy that are the most important for you.
• Identify 3–5 people who can help you meet those intimacy needs
• How satisfied are you with your level of intimacy in these three areas. If you aren’t satisfied, identify a plan to increase your level of satisfaction.

10. Spirituality
• Is anything listed in the previous 10 areas in conflict with your spiritual values? If so, reexamine and resolve this conflict. Are you living the life you love? To the degree that you are not, why not?
• What are your plans to resolve these differences?

Touch/Physical Intimacy

One form of intimacy as described in the Topic on Intimacy is physical intimacy. This expression of intimacy is sometimes referred to as touch intimacy or touch needs. The overlap between sexual intimacy and touch intimacy leads to significant confusion. It is important to ask in any given encounter what my intimacy needs are. And, specifically, what my touch needs are. Perhaps in a particular encounter you may be trying to get your touch needs met rather than sexual needs.

In this topic, the goal is to review healthy touch, and identify how you get these needs met. Some classic social psychology research has suggested that the failure to receive touch can have severe negative health, social and emotional impact on a person. The types of touch exists on a continuum. On the unhealthy end, exploitive touch is manipulative, forced, or unwanted. Nurturing touch is healthy and is expressive of a relationship. Touching someone is one way of reaching out and affirming them or being affirmed. And in fact, unhealthy touch is the opposite. It can be a way to express hurt, anger, or fear. Somewhere in the middle the grey area of touch occurs. In this confusing center are experiences of touch that appears healthy but leaves a person unsure about the intent. It may be the hug that includes a brush against breasts, buttocks or genitalia. Or the kiss that goes on too long. In moving toward sexual health, it is important to recognize healthy and unhealthy touch and to identify ways to get your touch needs met. You may also want to review the topic on sexual exploitation which describes forms of extreme unhealthy touch.

In developing ways to get your touch needs meet, it is also important to be clear about your motivation. In reviewing your sex history, how many times have you engaged in sexual contact when what you were looking for probably simply affirmation through touch? Perhaps there have been times when someone has said “hold” me but the encounter became unexpectedly sexual.

In the modern American Culture, there is a significant cultural barrier to touch. So much of the messages about touch actually sexualizes touch. Two guys holding hands is seen as a gay couple rather than two friend together s as in many Middle Eastern cultures. The misunderstanding of touch raises significant problems regarding sexual harassment claims. I’m not judging any particular claims as right/wrong, but in sexualizing touch, our culture has deprived us of healthy ways to get healthy needs met in appropriate ways.

The cultural fear of touch is often internalized in our lives. As a result, we may misinterpret the messages of another person. There are also gender differences. For many women, touch is culturally encouraged where as for men, touch is discouraged. The typical woman has a better understanding of touch needs than the typical man. This misunderstanding can lead to miscommunication, conflicts, and resentments in both sexual relationships as well as social and emotional relationships.

Sexual Health and Sexual Behavior/Expression

Throughout history, there have been attempts to define the range of sexually appropriate behavior. Within the Judeo-Christian Tradition, for example, the Holiness code of the early Israelite community was an attempt to define healthy sexual behavior which reflected their values, knowledge and community goals. As a small nomadic people, sexually healthy behavior reflected and emphasized procreation. As a patriarchal society, women were seen as property so most of the holiness code focused on male sexuality. As a society with limited information on current biology, the code attempted to identify sexually healthy behaviors as a function of blood and energy: loss of blood equals loss of energy and reflects a threat for survival. During the time of her period, women were to be avoided. Fast forward two thousand years and we have a Europe dominated by the Romans with a new religion slowly distinguishing itself from the pagan sexualities. Hence anything that reflected the pagan traditions was ultimately rejected. Fast forward another 2000 years, and we have a society that is unlike any previous society with its corresponding attempts toward defining sexual behavior. Our understanding of biology, genetics, and multi-cultural reality results in a variety of definitions of sexual health.

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the current debate in the field of sexual compulsivity is the same struggle that has occurred across time and is bound to fail. Many of the past attempts to define sexual health behaviors have emphasized actual sexual acts and condemned the behavior within the context of a religious statement. “This act is unhealthy, it is a sin.” As a result these definitions are culturally and time bound. Too often clients are stuck in the trap of asking the “expert” to define what he or she can do moving forward. Too often clinicians are readily open to defining what is and isn’t healthy based on their world view. These clinicians, in my opinion, fall into the same pitfalls of the historical attempts of defining healthy sexual behavior

In the last twenty-five to thirty years, experts in the field of human sexuality have also attempted to define sexual health. The definition of sexual health used in this book highlights the debate and development. While not reviewed here, the process of defining sexual health has experienced multiple revisions, discussions and bumps along the way. At one point, it was argued that a universal definition was not possible given the diversity of people, sexualities, cultures, and circumstances. The more recent attempts have attempted to facilitate an interaction between the individual and culture by incorporating a dynamic feedback process in clarifying sexually healthy behaviors.

What you won’t find in this book is a list of healthy/unhealthy behaviors. (In my opinion, there probably are very behaviors that are unhealthy. What few unhealthy behaviors are included below.) Rather than a list, my goal is to help you start thinking about the values that shape your life. In identifying these values, your responsibility is to assess the consistency between your values and your behaviors. The discussion below highlights a few critical values that I think are important. I recognize that these reflect my values. They are designed to help you start your conversation for yourself.

Unhealthy Sexual Behaviors

Generally speaking, the consensus among experts in a variety of fields (medicine, mental health, child welfare, and clergy) is that unhealthy sexual behaviors are defined as any behaviors that are exploitive or done without consent. For example, exploitation of children is one of the few universal consistent behaviors that have been condemned across time.

Problems with Identifying Unhealthy Sexual Behavior.

Yet, even this example has some problems. There are grey areas. In modern America, the definition of a child who can give legal consent for sexual contact ranges from ages 14 (Idaho) to 18. Centuries ago, it wasn’t uncommon for a 12-year old girl who just completed puberty (i.e., had a period) to be considered an adult. Today, our collective culture would define this as abuse. Another grey area is questions of exploitation. Many individuals against the pornography industry argue that the material exploits women. These grey areas highlight the ongoing danger and difficulty of universal declarations.

An example sure to raise hackles is the emphasis by a significant group of people in the world which suggests that only sexual behavior focused on procreation within a marriage relationship is the only form of healthy sex. Any sex act that isn’t open to procreation, even within a marriage, is a sin. This approach includes any masturbation and use of pornography as a sin. Some people have modified this approach to emphasize that sex within a marriage relationship is healthy. Others continue to modify this approach that consensual sex within a marriage is healthy recognizing that some traditions emphasize the wife’s religious duty to submit to her husband. Recently, there has been a push within the GLBT community to emphasis monogamy as the only form of healthy sex and the need for marriage rights as a validation of these healthy behaviors. Sadly, where the line of healthy/unhealthy sexual behavior is drawn seems to depend on what side of the line that you fall on. If you’re “outside” the line, you redraw the line to include your sexual behaviors.

Healthy Behaviors

The approach taken in this workbook and highlighted in the recent development of definition of sexual health is to emphasis a dynamic process between the community and the individual. Your values shape what behaviors are healthy for you. However, this is not a free-for all. Part of the process includes disclosure and community conversations via your support network and your prevention plan. This will be discussed below. The rest of this conversation is a process of presenting certain values that may be helpful in defining healthy sexual behaviors. As part of Stage three, you will be asked to identify both values and sexual behaviors that are congruent and reflect your personal definition of sexual health. This topic is designed to help you start that reflection process.

1) Generativity. Generativity is the experience that any sexual behaviors makes you alive and energized as part of the experience. In this value, your personal identity is affirmed, created and even expanded. You can walk away from the experience with your head held high. There is a sense of fulfillment and even pride in the experience. While life giving, generativity doesn’t necessarily mean the experience is “great sex” but rather the identity and personhood of those involved is enhanced. Sexual behavior is sometimes referred to as “adult play” suggesting a sense of fun, playfulness, and sense of timelessness. Review the topic “Reasons for having Sex.” The behaviors reflect healthy reasons for having sex.

2) Open and Honest. Healthy sexual behavior is above board, open, and honest. Full consent and awareness are present in the encounters. While you may not talk about the incident because of discretion, you could disclose the activity to your support network. And in the disclosure the support network would be able to conclude that the behavior is consistent with your declared values and prevention plan.

3) Consensual and Mutual. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. For consent to be present, this requires appropriate disclosures and considerations. This measure assumes that full disclosure has occurred with your partner, including risks for STIs, pregnancy, relationship status/availability or any number of measures. There is a decidedly lack of manipulation in the experience (i.e., if you love me, you’d have sex with me).

It is important to highlight that in some circumstances, consent is not possible. Children, for example are not able to give consent. Relationships with power differences (for example, student/teacher, boss/employee, therapist/client) are by definition non-consensual. Other circumstances exist where the ability for parties to give consent is questionable including impairment due to mental health issues, chemical use, and/or financial status (prostitution also known as survival sex). Another notion within consent is that all parties need to be aware of the experience, which is why exhibitionism and voyeurism are defined as unhealthy (as well as illegal).

Finally, within the concept of mutuality is the concept of respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e, stop, no, I don’t want to), the behavior must stop. Consent can be removed by any person in the experience at any time. The removal of consent does not require a reason; it simply is.

4) Responsibility. As a value, this requires you to fully assert your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. How are you protecting your values? It isn’t up to the other person, rather it is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of the values.

Assignment.

Review the topic Sex History.” As you look at all the behaviors you may have done, how many of these behaviors are consistent with the values above? If they aren’t, I’d encourage you to remove them from the list of sexually healthy behaviors. Anything that remains would be a candidate for a “healthy behavior.” The last task is to finish the Topic Defining your personal Definition of Sexual Health and Creating your Future. Again review the candidate list of healthy behaviors. Which behaviors remain? Review this list with the support network. What behaviors remain? This is the list of healthy behaviors to be included in your Personal Definition of Sexual Health.