I’ve been reading Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein
(Described at www.sexualintelligence.org).
He defines sexual intelligence as “self-knowledge, self-acceptance and
communication.” I like much of what he
says. Whether we call it sexual health,
sexual wellness, or sexual intelligence, each individual needs to “know”
himself/herself including what we like, what we don’t like, how to talk to our
partner about what we like and don’t like. Knowing thyself is the key to my approach in the workbooks (www.livingalifeilovebooks.com). Too many individuals struggle in the realm of sexuality. In my professional work, I see many
individuals who link sex and drugs; drugs are often used to cope with the same
and guilt of sex.
Showing posts with label personal definition of sexual health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal definition of sexual health. Show all posts
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Monday, November 21, 2011
Identifying the transforming values of your life.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. (Gandhi)
A task toward sexual health is to define the values by which you want to live your life. It is done in community/connection with others. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is the experience of discovering your truth. My experience suggests an individual is much more successful when their life that reflects their truth. For some individuals, discovering or naming their internal truth is asking a blind man to describe a color. Due to shame, guilt, fear, failure, or any number of reasons, many individuals cannot name the most important values in their life that truly represent their core.
Paradoxically, others can be the source of the primary values in your life. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. Briefly, that to which we are drawn reflects an inner craving that we must address. That which we reject reflects an inner craving that we must address. Transference is a tool where you can recognize what is most important in your life. You can recognize these values by identifying various pivot points in your life. It is in these pivot points where we get a sense of something more in our life. In the pivot points a person experiences awe, amazement, horror, beauty which can be used to connect with others. The experience is rewarding, but isn’t always easy. Sometimes these are values that we have and want to express more; or, it may be values we don’t have and want to obtain.
A task toward sexual health is to define the values by which you want to live your life. It is done in community/connection with others. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is the experience of discovering your truth. My experience suggests an individual is much more successful when their life that reflects their truth. For some individuals, discovering or naming their internal truth is asking a blind man to describe a color. Due to shame, guilt, fear, failure, or any number of reasons, many individuals cannot name the most important values in their life that truly represent their core.
Paradoxically, others can be the source of the primary values in your life. What we like and dislike in others reflects our inner core. Briefly, that to which we are drawn reflects an inner craving that we must address. That which we reject reflects an inner craving that we must address. Transference is a tool where you can recognize what is most important in your life. You can recognize these values by identifying various pivot points in your life. It is in these pivot points where we get a sense of something more in our life. In the pivot points a person experiences awe, amazement, horror, beauty which can be used to connect with others. The experience is rewarding, but isn’t always easy. Sometimes these are values that we have and want to express more; or, it may be values we don’t have and want to obtain.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Sexual Health Life Coaching
Sexual Health Life Coaching addresses sexuality from a wellness approach. Sexual Health Life Coaching is an opportunity to focus integrating sexuality as part of your amazing life. The basic premise I bring to my work is that you are first and foremost a whole person. Yes, you are a person whose sexuality is sacred. In the area of sexuality, rarely do we start from the place of sacredness of sexuality. Even linking the term sacred and sexuality brings confusion, shame, fear, and suspicion. Our society shames sexuality. Many religious traditions link sexuality to sinfulness and brokenness. The domain of psychology often focuses on fixing the negative aspects in an individual’s life.
Perhaps along the way, you’ve stumbled. Heck, we all do. Nevertheless, I believe in the beginning you started in an honored place. This honored place included an integration of your sexuality as a positive energy in your life. In our current society, this may seem impossible to conceptualize. What would it look like to come back to the place of integration, wholeness, and yes, even sacredness of sexuality? What would it look like if for the next moment, you saw your sexuality as a profound gift? How would your life change if you embraced this energy? This is the focus of sexual health life coaching.
Perhaps along the way, you’ve stumbled. Heck, we all do. Nevertheless, I believe in the beginning you started in an honored place. This honored place included an integration of your sexuality as a positive energy in your life. In our current society, this may seem impossible to conceptualize. What would it look like to come back to the place of integration, wholeness, and yes, even sacredness of sexuality? What would it look like if for the next moment, you saw your sexuality as a profound gift? How would your life change if you embraced this energy? This is the focus of sexual health life coaching.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Healthy Masturbation Exercise
Moving toward integrating masturbation into healthy sexuality means moving away from the typical form of masturbation. It is also about moving from shame to self-exploration and discovery. To do so, the following exercise will help expand your experience of masturbation from a quick and dirty activity (on average, lasting 3-5 minutes) to a sensual self-affirming opportunity. This applies to both men and women.
Make sure you have the time for the following exercise. What follows is one example, but you can adapt to your personal interests. For this example, I assume you are in your bed (but experiment with other locations/positions). Start by making sure you’re comfortable, including any music, candles, aromatherapy, oils, bath, or any activity that can help you relax. The fun is in the experimenting.
First, start by being aware of your breath. Breathe in-and-out, slowly and steadily. As you move through the experience, it is important to maintain your breathing. Sometimes as a person becomes aroused, he/she may forget to breathe. When you sense that you are holding your breath, gently remind yourself to keep breathing.
Next, continue by touching your body with your hands (without lubricants). At this point, don’t focus on your genitalia. Touch your face, ears, massage your neck, arms, fingers. Feel your chest, moving to your stomach. Massage your thighs, and include your legs and feet (and toes!). The slower you move through ALL of your body parts, the better. Vary the intensity, and type of touch. You can use your thumbs, palms, fingernails, back of the hand, tips of the fingers, back of the fingers, etc. Repeat the touch and be mindful of what you enjoy. Perhaps gently tug at your hair, or pinch your skin. Each of us has erogenous zones that vary in sensitivity. Find the zones and types of touch that are most pleasurable to you.
As you continue touching your body in different ways, include touching your genitalia, nipples, and buttocks. Continue varying the touch. Move back and forth between all your body parts. You may find that your genitalia will change in the level of arousal throughout the experience.
Optional activities might include using other pieces of clothing or items. Various items might be different fabrics, cold/hot items (not too hot!), feathers, or sticks (such as a dowel). The key here is to experience a range of touch.
As you go through the experience, vary the type of touch of your genitalia (for example, the grips of the penis, or the massage of the clitoris, etc.). Each type of touch will lead to different experiences. Experiment and enjoy. If you don’t like something, or it feels unpleasant, do something else.
Remember to breath.
After you’ve felt your body, repeat the full body touch but this time you might consider the possibility of adding lubricants such as oils, waters, water based or silicon-based lubricants. Each will create different experiences. Some might be sticky, slick, sensual, etc.
Continue to breath.
Your body will increase in excitement simply due to the stimulation. Depending on how long your want to prolong it, you will notice that if you are very genitally stimulated moving the touch to other body parts will extend and slightly decrease the overall stimulation thereby prolonging the experience.
At some point in the experience, particularly if you are focusing your touch on the genitalia, you may get to the point where you might experience an orgasm. Continue to breathe. But remember that orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal. Understanding what you like and providing self-pleasure is the goal.
Practice and repeat.
After your experience, review how you felt, what you liked, and talk about the experience with your support network. Often in the struggle with sexual compulsivity, we have to UNLEARN unhealthy patterns of masturbation (often associated with shame, guilt and frequently linked with problematic behaviors)
Make sure you have the time for the following exercise. What follows is one example, but you can adapt to your personal interests. For this example, I assume you are in your bed (but experiment with other locations/positions). Start by making sure you’re comfortable, including any music, candles, aromatherapy, oils, bath, or any activity that can help you relax. The fun is in the experimenting.
First, start by being aware of your breath. Breathe in-and-out, slowly and steadily. As you move through the experience, it is important to maintain your breathing. Sometimes as a person becomes aroused, he/she may forget to breathe. When you sense that you are holding your breath, gently remind yourself to keep breathing.
Next, continue by touching your body with your hands (without lubricants). At this point, don’t focus on your genitalia. Touch your face, ears, massage your neck, arms, fingers. Feel your chest, moving to your stomach. Massage your thighs, and include your legs and feet (and toes!). The slower you move through ALL of your body parts, the better. Vary the intensity, and type of touch. You can use your thumbs, palms, fingernails, back of the hand, tips of the fingers, back of the fingers, etc. Repeat the touch and be mindful of what you enjoy. Perhaps gently tug at your hair, or pinch your skin. Each of us has erogenous zones that vary in sensitivity. Find the zones and types of touch that are most pleasurable to you.
As you continue touching your body in different ways, include touching your genitalia, nipples, and buttocks. Continue varying the touch. Move back and forth between all your body parts. You may find that your genitalia will change in the level of arousal throughout the experience.
Optional activities might include using other pieces of clothing or items. Various items might be different fabrics, cold/hot items (not too hot!), feathers, or sticks (such as a dowel). The key here is to experience a range of touch.
As you go through the experience, vary the type of touch of your genitalia (for example, the grips of the penis, or the massage of the clitoris, etc.). Each type of touch will lead to different experiences. Experiment and enjoy. If you don’t like something, or it feels unpleasant, do something else.
Remember to breath.
After you’ve felt your body, repeat the full body touch but this time you might consider the possibility of adding lubricants such as oils, waters, water based or silicon-based lubricants. Each will create different experiences. Some might be sticky, slick, sensual, etc.
Continue to breath.
Your body will increase in excitement simply due to the stimulation. Depending on how long your want to prolong it, you will notice that if you are very genitally stimulated moving the touch to other body parts will extend and slightly decrease the overall stimulation thereby prolonging the experience.
At some point in the experience, particularly if you are focusing your touch on the genitalia, you may get to the point where you might experience an orgasm. Continue to breathe. But remember that orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal. Understanding what you like and providing self-pleasure is the goal.
Practice and repeat.
After your experience, review how you felt, what you liked, and talk about the experience with your support network. Often in the struggle with sexual compulsivity, we have to UNLEARN unhealthy patterns of masturbation (often associated with shame, guilt and frequently linked with problematic behaviors)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Dan Savage as conservative, but not Repubican
I've been reading Dan Savage for years. Dan has a flair that is enjoyable to read. Generally speaking, I often concur with the responses from Dan Savage. Over the recent years, Dan Savage has "grown" in popularity, and is a regular on the cable shows and college campuses. As his popularity grows, more and more commentaries appear. An interesting dialogue in the past few weeks has been fun to watch. The title to this blog links to an extensive dialogue describing a Lutheran Pastor's reaction to Dan Savage. The author even compares Dan Savage to Ann Landers. I think the author does a good job placing Savage's approach in context, and highlights a number of ethical principles to guide sexual health choices. These are: Disclosure, Autonomy, Reciprocity, and minimum standards of performance.
I like these values; I would add responsibility (you can't get what you don't ask for), and integrity (consistency between your values and behaviors). My own approach to sexuality is similar, but decidedly toned down. I also integrate flavors of spirituality and psychology within my approach. In the end, I think we both would agree that each person is responsible to give voice to his or her desires, and communicate with partners in respectful ways.
Enjoy the article by following the link in the title.
I like these values; I would add responsibility (you can't get what you don't ask for), and integrity (consistency between your values and behaviors). My own approach to sexuality is similar, but decidedly toned down. I also integrate flavors of spirituality and psychology within my approach. In the end, I think we both would agree that each person is responsible to give voice to his or her desires, and communicate with partners in respectful ways.
Enjoy the article by following the link in the title.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Yoga, Individual, Integrity, Intelligently and Sexual Health
While in Puerto Valletta, Mexico, for a well-earned vacation, I take time to attend Yoga as part of the vacation. (And, no, blogging isn’t work; it’s a type of journaling for me!) Today’s lesson was about being in the moment, a great thing to do while on vacation. The instructor also talked about how yoga is an individual practice that needs to be done with integrity and intelligently.
She explained that each student knows his/her body, and knows when to push the extra effort to fully enter the experience, and each student knows when to pull back. This is/must be done with integrity. The only one who truly knows is the student.
The individual practice done with integrity also requires intelligence. By this I understood intelligence to reflect wisdom, correct/good form, and staying at the edge of practice without going too far and hurting one’s self. Intelligence implies listening to the body, increasing self-awareness of one’s greater limits and personal limitations.
So to do these terms apply to sexual health. Your journey toward sexual health is YOUR journey. Only you know what truly expresses your heart of hearts regarding sexual health. No one else can tell you. Others may guide you, but you are the one responsible for the final choice. And sexual health requires wisdom, knowing and respecting your inner truth.
Namaste
She explained that each student knows his/her body, and knows when to push the extra effort to fully enter the experience, and each student knows when to pull back. This is/must be done with integrity. The only one who truly knows is the student.
The individual practice done with integrity also requires intelligence. By this I understood intelligence to reflect wisdom, correct/good form, and staying at the edge of practice without going too far and hurting one’s self. Intelligence implies listening to the body, increasing self-awareness of one’s greater limits and personal limitations.
So to do these terms apply to sexual health. Your journey toward sexual health is YOUR journey. Only you know what truly expresses your heart of hearts regarding sexual health. No one else can tell you. Others may guide you, but you are the one responsible for the final choice. And sexual health requires wisdom, knowing and respecting your inner truth.
Namaste
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Importance and Difficulty of Integrity in Sexual Health
Link to Dan Savage and Mistermix
The above link describes another public scandal regarding sexuality. What both Dan Savage and Mistermix highlight is the importance of sexuality in a person's life, the desire for sexual satisfaction, and the danger when you're not able to resolve these difficulties in your relationship. Integrity in sexual health requires personal responsibility to declare your personal definition of sexual health. Sometimes this requires challenging the stereotypes of what others think you should want, and choosing your path toward sexual health.
The above link describes another public scandal regarding sexuality. What both Dan Savage and Mistermix highlight is the importance of sexuality in a person's life, the desire for sexual satisfaction, and the danger when you're not able to resolve these difficulties in your relationship. Integrity in sexual health requires personal responsibility to declare your personal definition of sexual health. Sometimes this requires challenging the stereotypes of what others think you should want, and choosing your path toward sexual health.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Letting go to become...
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
Lao Tzu
Building a life you love requires transformation. Often, however, fear, insecurity, and hopelessness leads to paralysis in a person's movement toward sexual health. In the realm of sexuality, there is often external pressure to conform. When you let go of the expectations that you place on yourself, you move toward the possibility of becoming something more. In my opinion, you start living a life you love.
Lao Tzu
Building a life you love requires transformation. Often, however, fear, insecurity, and hopelessness leads to paralysis in a person's movement toward sexual health. In the realm of sexuality, there is often external pressure to conform. When you let go of the expectations that you place on yourself, you move toward the possibility of becoming something more. In my opinion, you start living a life you love.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Your Truth and Sexual Health
Truth liberates – but it must be your own.
OSHO
The last few entries on sexual health (including authenticity and repression) highlight the importance of understanding YOUR truth regarding sexual health. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is YOUR truth. Identifying the thoughts, feelings and high-risk situations that impair your life is a process of discovering YOUR truth. One of the major assignments in the workbook is the personal definition of sexual health. The focus of the assignment is to help your discern YOUR truth regarding sexuality. My experience suggests a client is much more successful with sexual health when it reflects YOUR truth.
OSHO (1999) Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear. OSHO International: New York.
This is currently available as a free kindle ebook on Amazon. (The kindle version is no longer free, updated 11/16)
OSHO
The last few entries on sexual health (including authenticity and repression) highlight the importance of understanding YOUR truth regarding sexual health. The process of clarifying your values, and the behaviors consistent with those values is YOUR truth. Identifying the thoughts, feelings and high-risk situations that impair your life is a process of discovering YOUR truth. One of the major assignments in the workbook is the personal definition of sexual health. The focus of the assignment is to help your discern YOUR truth regarding sexuality. My experience suggests a client is much more successful with sexual health when it reflects YOUR truth.
OSHO (1999) Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear. OSHO International: New York.
This is currently available as a free kindle ebook on Amazon. (The kindle version is no longer free, updated 11/16)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sexual repression as suicide
Repression is to live a life that you were not meant to live. Repression is to do things you never wanted to do. Repression is to be fellow that you are not, repression is a way to destroy yourself. Repression is suicide – very slow of course, but a very certain slow poisoning. OSHO
Another quote from a book I’ve been reading.
The last line of the quote struck me. “Repression is suicide – very slow of course, but a very certain slow poisoning.” This is no truer in the realm of sexuality. I can not remember how many times I’ve worked with people who are experiencing a slow death because of the repression of their sexual energy. I can’t help but think of my work in chemical dependency as a way to avoid the pain of this slow death. The shame, fear, hurt, and guilt are the consequences of this repression.
What would it look like if you ended your own repression regarding your sexuality? How might life be different? How might you be different? How would your relationships be different?
I believe that one of the best interventions is to simply affirm the possibility of the individual to be who he or she is. I don’t give permission; rather the individual has within him or her own being the inherent permission to the core in all areas. Given my focus, this includes being alive in the realm of sexuality. It is stepping beyond the repression to affirm you wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes this will be easy; often it will be a bit of work.
OSHO (1999) Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear. OSHO International: New York.
This is currently available as a free kindle ebook on Amazon. (The kindle version is no longer free, updated 11/16).
Another quote from a book I’ve been reading.
The last line of the quote struck me. “Repression is suicide – very slow of course, but a very certain slow poisoning.” This is no truer in the realm of sexuality. I can not remember how many times I’ve worked with people who are experiencing a slow death because of the repression of their sexual energy. I can’t help but think of my work in chemical dependency as a way to avoid the pain of this slow death. The shame, fear, hurt, and guilt are the consequences of this repression.
What would it look like if you ended your own repression regarding your sexuality? How might life be different? How might you be different? How would your relationships be different?
I believe that one of the best interventions is to simply affirm the possibility of the individual to be who he or she is. I don’t give permission; rather the individual has within him or her own being the inherent permission to the core in all areas. Given my focus, this includes being alive in the realm of sexuality. It is stepping beyond the repression to affirm you wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes this will be easy; often it will be a bit of work.
OSHO (1999) Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear. OSHO International: New York.
This is currently available as a free kindle ebook on Amazon. (The kindle version is no longer free, updated 11/16).
Monday, May 24, 2010
The power and experience of Sexual Health
A mentor (who I greatly respect) and I have a running debate between the need to learn about sexual health and the need to experience sexual health. While we might argue the nuances, I think we agree that both are important. Much of my work in the writing/blog is about providing basic education regarding sexual health. Recent feedback from a client is that I use too many big words. Rather than interpret her words as an attack, I am impressed with HOW MUCH she wants to get this stuff. Her words brought into clarity the need to help people experience sexual health as much as it is important to educate people about sexual health. Here are some thoughts on how to move forward in your experience of sexual health.
1) I’ve said it before, and it is worth repeating. Give yourself permission to be a sexual being. Sexuality is a normal, vital, and positive aspect of your life. Too many people suffer pain when they think about sexuality.
2) Ask, “Say’s who?” One of the earliest questions a child learns is “why.” Plenty of stories are available where eventually an exhausted parents says, “Because, and eat your carrots!” The question applies to the realm of sexuality. Challenge most, if not all, of the messages you have heard about sexuality. This doesn’t mean you have to discard the beliefs. Instead, understand both the letter and spirit of the messages. The ultimate goal of monogamy isn’t about control as taught in many religions, but rather about a profound love.
3) Sexual Health is a journey. Today’s thoughts are for today. What you like today is for today. What you want is for today. Too often we loose sight of today, and “catastrophize” every sexual experience. We attempt to project into the future today's experience, and often that projection is full of assumptions resulting in a failure of living in the moment. As the 12-step saying goes, "One day at a time."
4) Balance is important in the journey. Too often we look ONLY for perfection, and if perfection is not possible, the experience is BAD, SINFUL, and UNHEALTHY. I place good/bad sexual experiences on a different continuum then the continuum of healthy/unhealthy. You can have a sexual encounter that feels good but is unhealthy (think meth/sex), and a bad experience that is healthy (think too tired to function, but emotional intimacy).
5) Experiment. When you watch a child in a playground, they meander through all of the play areas. They might stop at the swings, or the merry go around. Next the may check out the slide, and perhaps build something in the sand. When they like something, the child stays in the area. If a bully or something is unpleasant, the child moves on. So to is it important to experiment in the realm of sexuality. Check out what you like or don’t like. Enjoy the positive experiences, and let go of the unpleasant experiences.
Enjoy your journey in sexual health. My hope is that you have great experiences along the way. Sometimes the only way we know what is sweet is because we can compare it to what is sour.
Questions? Comments? Feel free to post or email.
1) I’ve said it before, and it is worth repeating. Give yourself permission to be a sexual being. Sexuality is a normal, vital, and positive aspect of your life. Too many people suffer pain when they think about sexuality.
2) Ask, “Say’s who?” One of the earliest questions a child learns is “why.” Plenty of stories are available where eventually an exhausted parents says, “Because, and eat your carrots!” The question applies to the realm of sexuality. Challenge most, if not all, of the messages you have heard about sexuality. This doesn’t mean you have to discard the beliefs. Instead, understand both the letter and spirit of the messages. The ultimate goal of monogamy isn’t about control as taught in many religions, but rather about a profound love.
3) Sexual Health is a journey. Today’s thoughts are for today. What you like today is for today. What you want is for today. Too often we loose sight of today, and “catastrophize” every sexual experience. We attempt to project into the future today's experience, and often that projection is full of assumptions resulting in a failure of living in the moment. As the 12-step saying goes, "One day at a time."
4) Balance is important in the journey. Too often we look ONLY for perfection, and if perfection is not possible, the experience is BAD, SINFUL, and UNHEALTHY. I place good/bad sexual experiences on a different continuum then the continuum of healthy/unhealthy. You can have a sexual encounter that feels good but is unhealthy (think meth/sex), and a bad experience that is healthy (think too tired to function, but emotional intimacy).
5) Experiment. When you watch a child in a playground, they meander through all of the play areas. They might stop at the swings, or the merry go around. Next the may check out the slide, and perhaps build something in the sand. When they like something, the child stays in the area. If a bully or something is unpleasant, the child moves on. So to is it important to experiment in the realm of sexuality. Check out what you like or don’t like. Enjoy the positive experiences, and let go of the unpleasant experiences.
Enjoy your journey in sexual health. My hope is that you have great experiences along the way. Sometimes the only way we know what is sweet is because we can compare it to what is sour.
Questions? Comments? Feel free to post or email.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A sex-positive approach to healing sexual compulsivity
I work with many individuals whose view of sexuality is amazingly negative. For any number of reasons ranging from abuse, “-isms,” fear, trauma, cultural and/or religious messages, many of my clients have a very negative view of sexuality in general and their sexuality in particular. Many individuals tell their personal story about how they need chemicals to shut of these negative messages. Others use chemicals to medicate their shame. Due to the “bad” aspect of sex, clients aren’t able to link intimacy and sexual behavior. In other words, why would I share sex with someone I love?
The approach I take in treating sexual health/sexual compulsivity is sex positive. A review of the literature leads to a smattering of definitions. Here are a number of characteristics I consider sex positive.
1) Sexuality is an essential and vital part of your life, and needs to be integrated with your personhood.
2) Sexuality is a life-enhancing part of your life, creating energy, happiness, and celebration. Even if a sexual encounter isn’t great sex, it can still enhance your life.
3) Sexuality is integrated into your primary relationships. This doesn’t mean you engage in sexual behavior with everyone, but each is supported in all aspects of sexuality (i.e., support, talking about sex, relationships, needs, intimacy, etc).
4) Sexuality and sexual expression is remarkably individual. What is healthy for a person depends on the individual. A one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work.
5) The negative experiences and messages about sexuality have been addressed and resolved as appropriate.
The approach I take in treating sexual health/sexual compulsivity is sex positive. A review of the literature leads to a smattering of definitions. Here are a number of characteristics I consider sex positive.
1) Sexuality is an essential and vital part of your life, and needs to be integrated with your personhood.
2) Sexuality is a life-enhancing part of your life, creating energy, happiness, and celebration. Even if a sexual encounter isn’t great sex, it can still enhance your life.
3) Sexuality is integrated into your primary relationships. This doesn’t mean you engage in sexual behavior with everyone, but each is supported in all aspects of sexuality (i.e., support, talking about sex, relationships, needs, intimacy, etc).
4) Sexuality and sexual expression is remarkably individual. What is healthy for a person depends on the individual. A one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work.
5) The negative experiences and messages about sexuality have been addressed and resolved as appropriate.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sexual Health and what I SHOULD
One of the more difficult aspects in moving toward sexual health is clarifying YOUR personal definition of sexual health. This journey builds on yesterday’s discussion on integrity. What do you really want in your life? Today’s nuance highlights how many times we are told what we SHOULD want. Listen to the language in statements by others, the frequency of “You SHOULD…..” is amazing. All of our marketing is based on “You SHOULD.” Much of our sexuality discussion is based on “You SHOULD,” or often, “You SHOULDN'T.”
In this blog, I will not go into an extended conversation about the sources of you should (i.e., review culture and sexuality). Instead, I invite you to increase your awareness of all the ways you are told, “you should,” or “shouldn’t” or more importantly, when you say, “I should” or “I shouldn’t.” There is a significant pressure toward conformity in sexuality. In reality, anything is possible. Sexual health requires that you choose. I choose to live my life this way; I choose to engage in or not engage in these behaviors. It is your responsibility to assertively confront the pressure toward conformity. What you choose is truly your choice.
In this blog, I will not go into an extended conversation about the sources of you should (i.e., review culture and sexuality). Instead, I invite you to increase your awareness of all the ways you are told, “you should,” or “shouldn’t” or more importantly, when you say, “I should” or “I shouldn’t.” There is a significant pressure toward conformity in sexuality. In reality, anything is possible. Sexual health requires that you choose. I choose to live my life this way; I choose to engage in or not engage in these behaviors. It is your responsibility to assertively confront the pressure toward conformity. What you choose is truly your choice.
Monday, April 5, 2010
What does a relapse in sexual addiction mean?
In the field of sexual compulsivity treatment, addressing the reality of a relapse is important. It is highy probably that you will experience some type of relapse around your high-risk situations, feeling triggers or thinking errors: you will move into a realm of acting out behaviors somewhere in your process. Why? Most likely because you’re HUMAN! Being human acknowledges that perfection is not possible. Here are a few suggestions to help you address a sexual health relapse.
1) In the process of moving toward sexual health, to assume that you will never make a mistake sets you up for the cycle of shame and guilt that is probably a big part of your cycle at this point. Now, this doesn’t mean being human is permission to relapse (nice thinking error), but it does provide a starting point toward self-forgiveness.
2) It is remarkably easy to relapse. Depending on the circumstances, the ease by which a relapse occurs is shockingly easy. If sexually explicit material is a form of relapse, simply walking in a mall could lead to a relapse (Seriously, have you seen the display windows!). Recognizing the ease by which triggers occur helps frame a plan for ongoing sexual health.
3) Relapse can help you learn. By examining the relapse, you can uncover new factors associated with your acting out cycle as well as set up plans to address these factors. In many cases, the relapse can help prioritize treatment issues.
4) The degree of relapse is a sign of progress. Often what happens is that the intensity of acting out decreases. Rather than hooking up with someone via a website, the behavior this time might be limited to viewing sexually explicit material. While still something to be addressed, this is progress in my book. (For a more formal discussion, search out the term harm-reduction). (As with #1 above, you can’t use this to justifying acting out.)
5) Telling on yourself when a small or large relapse occurs is a reflection of the treatment progress. By using your support network, you demonstrate the ongoing skills to move toward health. The amount of disclosure to your primary network is a measure of your progress. Your ability to learn from the relapse is also a measure of your progress.
1) In the process of moving toward sexual health, to assume that you will never make a mistake sets you up for the cycle of shame and guilt that is probably a big part of your cycle at this point. Now, this doesn’t mean being human is permission to relapse (nice thinking error), but it does provide a starting point toward self-forgiveness.
2) It is remarkably easy to relapse. Depending on the circumstances, the ease by which a relapse occurs is shockingly easy. If sexually explicit material is a form of relapse, simply walking in a mall could lead to a relapse (Seriously, have you seen the display windows!). Recognizing the ease by which triggers occur helps frame a plan for ongoing sexual health.
3) Relapse can help you learn. By examining the relapse, you can uncover new factors associated with your acting out cycle as well as set up plans to address these factors. In many cases, the relapse can help prioritize treatment issues.
4) The degree of relapse is a sign of progress. Often what happens is that the intensity of acting out decreases. Rather than hooking up with someone via a website, the behavior this time might be limited to viewing sexually explicit material. While still something to be addressed, this is progress in my book. (For a more formal discussion, search out the term harm-reduction). (As with #1 above, you can’t use this to justifying acting out.)
5) Telling on yourself when a small or large relapse occurs is a reflection of the treatment progress. By using your support network, you demonstrate the ongoing skills to move toward health. The amount of disclosure to your primary network is a measure of your progress. Your ability to learn from the relapse is also a measure of your progress.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Life Coaching and Sexual Health
The number of stories I hear about sex in casual conversations boggles the mind. Many times in response to the question “What do you do?” I hear a personal story about sexuality. I could tell stories about where I’ve heard stories –the gym, coffee shop, walking the dogs, parties, meetings, etc. This highlights the need many people have to understand, embrace, and discover their sexuality and sexual health.
Often, however, the only venue to seek professional support is through the use of a “problem” model where the individual seeks help because bad things are happening.
What would it look like to develop a health based, holistically integrative approach to sexuality? What would it look like if the conversation starts from a place of health versus starting from a problem? In my experience, the more enjoyable conversations occur when a person is experiencing a transformation in their life regarding sexuality.
Over the recent years, there has been the development of a “Life Coaching” movement. What is a Life Coach? Take a sports star, they still have their coaches to help them further improve their skills. Similarly, life coaching is based on your experience, to help you integrate your values and goals and foster empowerment. A life coach is someone who walks along in your journey. The focus is on integration, positive sexuality, and health (instead of the more traditional illness based model).
There is a great need for the integration of life coaching and sexuality. Not all life coaches have the skills in sexuality. I encourage you to seek someone who is skilled in both coaching/counseling and sexuality. The goal will be to help you integrate your life and values to the ultimate goal where you say “I’m living a life I love.”
Often, however, the only venue to seek professional support is through the use of a “problem” model where the individual seeks help because bad things are happening.
What would it look like to develop a health based, holistically integrative approach to sexuality? What would it look like if the conversation starts from a place of health versus starting from a problem? In my experience, the more enjoyable conversations occur when a person is experiencing a transformation in their life regarding sexuality.
Over the recent years, there has been the development of a “Life Coaching” movement. What is a Life Coach? Take a sports star, they still have their coaches to help them further improve their skills. Similarly, life coaching is based on your experience, to help you integrate your values and goals and foster empowerment. A life coach is someone who walks along in your journey. The focus is on integration, positive sexuality, and health (instead of the more traditional illness based model).
There is a great need for the integration of life coaching and sexuality. Not all life coaches have the skills in sexuality. I encourage you to seek someone who is skilled in both coaching/counseling and sexuality. The goal will be to help you integrate your life and values to the ultimate goal where you say “I’m living a life I love.”
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Why does a person stop at a stop sign? The role of discovery in sexual health.
One of my favorite exercises is to ask a client: Why does a person stop at a stop sign? After a moment of confusion often based on the thought “what is the purpose of that stupid question” the client will usually respond with a nice answer that is sometimes punctuated with an attitude (and for drama, a nice roll of the eyes) of “that is so obvious.” My enjoyment is to follow-up with “Why ELSE might a person stop at a stop sign?” And the exercise continues until the person exhausts all of the answers; usually this is about 2-3 responses. Then I ask them to think of a funny reason, a silly reason, a stupid reason, an absurd reason etc. In one group setting, the group eventually identified 41 reasons why a person might stop at the stop sign. My point had been made. Until you think outside the box, your options are limited.
So often in the realm of sexuality, we assume we know the answer to the question. We’ve been taught, told, indoctrinated, forced, or otherwise encouraged to “know” the right answer that we haven’t thought about what is our response to the question “what is sexual health for me. The movement toward sexual health is a process of discovery and thinking outside the box. Your purpose in this process is to ask, “Why do I think this?” What else may be an answer, response, thought, issue, concern associated with the topic? This process is about unfolding, uncovering, and discovery. A great concept from my experience is the concept of discernment. Discernment is the exercise of discovering, uncovering, and revealing the truth within you (for those with a religious faith, this truth within is believed to be the Spirit acting in your life.).
I want to provide three simple examples where the concept of discernment helps us understand the movement toward sexual health.
In my opinion, staying in or leaving a relationship is a process of discernment. It is uncovering, revealing and discovering the health of the relationship. It requires an honest evaluation of your contribution to the state of the relationship, and assessment whether you are capable or willing to help build, repair or develop the relationship. It requires assessing whether the relationship can be transformed or declaring it should end.
What does it mean to live as a LGBT individual is my second example. There are many cultural factors (religious, family, community) that affect this process. In the end, the individual is charged with discovering what it means for him/her to live as an LGBT individual. I’ve seen it all. From an individual who knew at age 12 they were LGBT and appeared to have little difficulty in the process of living as an LGBT individual to a 70-year-old man coming out and choosing to stay with his wife of many decades.
My third example is to link discernment to sexual behavior. Ultimately it is up to you to determine what behaviors are sexually healthy. In other words, what behaviors help me grow as an individual, foster respect in my life and the life of my partner and the health of my community? As you see in the previous blogs, it is a process to discovery the behaviors that reflect and protect the values you use to shape your life.
Two notes of caution.
Discernment is a process. While the first response to what is healthy may “seem” like the “correct” response, sometimes discovering your personal truth needs time. Many times we edit or limit our thoughts, beliefs and desires. Uncovering sexual health requires you to challenge the thoughts, beliefs and values you assume to be true. Sexual health is about integration resulting from many trials and errors, experimentation, successes and trip-ups. And sexual health is about continuing the process when all seems dark.
Discernment is about responsibility. It requires you to step-up and say, “This is important to me. This is what I believe.” Too often, people avoid this responsibility for any number of fears including fear of judgment, or disapproval. Paradoxically, when you step-up and take responsibility for your journey, freedom is possible. It is also communal in sharing your choices with others. Should you say, “Yes this is me!” but fail to talk with your primary support network, I would say that you are avoiding the responsibility of your choice.
So often in the realm of sexuality, we assume we know the answer to the question. We’ve been taught, told, indoctrinated, forced, or otherwise encouraged to “know” the right answer that we haven’t thought about what is our response to the question “what is sexual health for me. The movement toward sexual health is a process of discovery and thinking outside the box. Your purpose in this process is to ask, “Why do I think this?” What else may be an answer, response, thought, issue, concern associated with the topic? This process is about unfolding, uncovering, and discovery. A great concept from my experience is the concept of discernment. Discernment is the exercise of discovering, uncovering, and revealing the truth within you (for those with a religious faith, this truth within is believed to be the Spirit acting in your life.).
I want to provide three simple examples where the concept of discernment helps us understand the movement toward sexual health.
In my opinion, staying in or leaving a relationship is a process of discernment. It is uncovering, revealing and discovering the health of the relationship. It requires an honest evaluation of your contribution to the state of the relationship, and assessment whether you are capable or willing to help build, repair or develop the relationship. It requires assessing whether the relationship can be transformed or declaring it should end.
What does it mean to live as a LGBT individual is my second example. There are many cultural factors (religious, family, community) that affect this process. In the end, the individual is charged with discovering what it means for him/her to live as an LGBT individual. I’ve seen it all. From an individual who knew at age 12 they were LGBT and appeared to have little difficulty in the process of living as an LGBT individual to a 70-year-old man coming out and choosing to stay with his wife of many decades.
My third example is to link discernment to sexual behavior. Ultimately it is up to you to determine what behaviors are sexually healthy. In other words, what behaviors help me grow as an individual, foster respect in my life and the life of my partner and the health of my community? As you see in the previous blogs, it is a process to discovery the behaviors that reflect and protect the values you use to shape your life.
Two notes of caution.
Discernment is a process. While the first response to what is healthy may “seem” like the “correct” response, sometimes discovering your personal truth needs time. Many times we edit or limit our thoughts, beliefs and desires. Uncovering sexual health requires you to challenge the thoughts, beliefs and values you assume to be true. Sexual health is about integration resulting from many trials and errors, experimentation, successes and trip-ups. And sexual health is about continuing the process when all seems dark.
Discernment is about responsibility. It requires you to step-up and say, “This is important to me. This is what I believe.” Too often, people avoid this responsibility for any number of fears including fear of judgment, or disapproval. Paradoxically, when you step-up and take responsibility for your journey, freedom is possible. It is also communal in sharing your choices with others. Should you say, “Yes this is me!” but fail to talk with your primary support network, I would say that you are avoiding the responsibility of your choice.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
How do I know I'm straight or Sexual Identity Development for all.
Identity is a statement “this is who I am.” In the process of clarifying identity, individuals go through a process of reviewing aspects of their lives sorting through events responding “like-me/not like me.” While this is an oversimplification, identify development is the attempt to both define and understand who we are. Obviously this also occurs in the area of sexuality. Previous blog entries highlight the sexual identity development for LGBT individuals, but there an interactive process that everyone goes through in forming their understanding of their sexual self. The purpose of this entry is to summarize this process and the tasks that everyone addresses in forming sexual identity.
The process consists of five dimensions.
1) Unexplored commitment reflects the fact that many people simply don’t think about the topic of sexuality.
2) Active exploration refers to the process of seeking information regarding sexuality. This dimension addresses the six tasks below. The person actively seeks information via the Internet, therapy, friends, family, society, etc.
3) Diffusion reflects a time of struggle and confusion. “What I thought I know is no longer the case.” This is a time of rejecting social norms about what I should be, and a time of exploration sometimes through trial and error.
4) Deepening and commitment of the identification of the individual’s likes and dislikes and an increased level of comfort with the self. For many people who identify of “straight” this may be occur without the exploration and diffusion dimensions.
5) Synthesis is a process of integration of all aspects of the self. There is an internal congruence between the self, values, behaviors, likes and dislikes. There is also an integration of the sexual identity with all other aspects of the person’s life including gender, racial, religious, and familial.
During the process, all individuals need to address the following 6 tasks.
1) What are my sexual needs?
Sexual needs are defined as a desire, appetite, biological necessity, impulses, interest, and/or libido with respect to sex. How much sex do I want, what are my levels of interest, etc.
2) What are my sexual values?
Sexual values are defined as moral evaluations, judgments, and/or standards about what is appropriate, acceptable, desirable, and innate sexual behavior.
3) What do I like?
I need to know what behaviors I like to engage in relating to or based on sexual attraction, sexual arousal, sexual gratification, or reproduction (e.g., fantasy, holding hands, kissing, masturbation, sexual intercourse).
4) Who do I like?
I need to figure out what are the physical, emotional, intellectual, interpersonal, economic, spiritual, or other attributes of a sexual partner.
5) How do I let others know?
This involves my skills in letting others know I’m interested. This can include verbal or nonverbal communication, and direct and indirect signals (e.g., flirting, eye contact, touching, vocal quality, compliments, suggestive body movements or postures).
6) How do I label myself.?
This is related, but different from “who do I like.” “Who do I like” refers to the attractions, but sexual orientation identity is how I define myself. This is self-defined, whether or not it is shared with others. Examples include heterosexual, straight, bicurious, bi/straight, heteroflexible, pansexual, kink, questioning, bisexual, gay, lesbian, and queer, among others.
For more information see:
Worthington R., Bielstein Savoy, H., Dillon F., & Vernaglia, E. (2002) Heterosexual Identity Development: A Multidimensional Model of Individual and Social Identity The Counseling Psychologist 30; 496 DOI: 10.1177/00100002030004002
The process consists of five dimensions.
1) Unexplored commitment reflects the fact that many people simply don’t think about the topic of sexuality.
2) Active exploration refers to the process of seeking information regarding sexuality. This dimension addresses the six tasks below. The person actively seeks information via the Internet, therapy, friends, family, society, etc.
3) Diffusion reflects a time of struggle and confusion. “What I thought I know is no longer the case.” This is a time of rejecting social norms about what I should be, and a time of exploration sometimes through trial and error.
4) Deepening and commitment of the identification of the individual’s likes and dislikes and an increased level of comfort with the self. For many people who identify of “straight” this may be occur without the exploration and diffusion dimensions.
5) Synthesis is a process of integration of all aspects of the self. There is an internal congruence between the self, values, behaviors, likes and dislikes. There is also an integration of the sexual identity with all other aspects of the person’s life including gender, racial, religious, and familial.
During the process, all individuals need to address the following 6 tasks.
1) What are my sexual needs?
Sexual needs are defined as a desire, appetite, biological necessity, impulses, interest, and/or libido with respect to sex. How much sex do I want, what are my levels of interest, etc.
2) What are my sexual values?
Sexual values are defined as moral evaluations, judgments, and/or standards about what is appropriate, acceptable, desirable, and innate sexual behavior.
3) What do I like?
I need to know what behaviors I like to engage in relating to or based on sexual attraction, sexual arousal, sexual gratification, or reproduction (e.g., fantasy, holding hands, kissing, masturbation, sexual intercourse).
4) Who do I like?
I need to figure out what are the physical, emotional, intellectual, interpersonal, economic, spiritual, or other attributes of a sexual partner.
5) How do I let others know?
This involves my skills in letting others know I’m interested. This can include verbal or nonverbal communication, and direct and indirect signals (e.g., flirting, eye contact, touching, vocal quality, compliments, suggestive body movements or postures).
6) How do I label myself.?
This is related, but different from “who do I like.” “Who do I like” refers to the attractions, but sexual orientation identity is how I define myself. This is self-defined, whether or not it is shared with others. Examples include heterosexual, straight, bicurious, bi/straight, heteroflexible, pansexual, kink, questioning, bisexual, gay, lesbian, and queer, among others.
For more information see:
Worthington R., Bielstein Savoy, H., Dillon F., & Vernaglia, E. (2002) Heterosexual Identity Development: A Multidimensional Model of Individual and Social Identity The Counseling Psychologist 30; 496 DOI: 10.1177/00100002030004002
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