Why have sex

Interrupting the acting out cycle requires awareness of the payoffs for sex. This is essentially answering the question “Why have sex?” The classic scripts/reasons for sex have typically been reduced to three themes: procreation, relational and recreational. In other words, people have sex to “make babies,” to build a relationship, or to have fun. While these reasons for having sex are over-simplified it is important for each individual to uncover some of the reasons they have sex. In some circumstances, the reasons for having sex may highlight clinical issues, patterns of behaviors, high risk situations, thinking errors or feelings that need to be addressed. This is a much more difficult task than you may think. To put this in perspective, a recent journal article identified 237 reasons a person has sex. After analyzing the data, their research identified four groups of reasons of why people have sex. The factors and the identified subfactors are:

1. Physical Reasons with 4 subfactors: Stress Reduction, Pleasure, Physical Desirability, and Experience Seeking. .
2. Goal Attainment with 4 subfactors: Resources, Social Status, Revenge, and Utilitarian.
3. Emotional reasons with 2 subfactors: Love and Commitment and Expression.
4. Insecurity subfactors with 3 subfactors: Self-Esteem Boost, Duty/Pressure, and Mate Guarding.

Within each factor are a number of subfactors that reflect the various concepts. The subfactors can help you reveal and/or assess various reasons for having sex. For example, if stress reduction is one reason why you’re caught in a compulsive cycle, examining the sources of stress in your life may provide insight into the cycle as well as reduce the possibility of future relapse. As you continue, review your sexual timeline/sexual history. Examine various incidents where you acted out. Examine which reasons for sexual behavior may be relevant. As you reflect on the reasons, examine the thoughts/assumptions that are present. If, as another example, a reason for sexual behavior is getting a self-esteem boost, examine what are the thoughts and feelings associated with the goal seeking behavior.

References

Meston, C. & Buss, D. (2007) Why Humans Have Sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior) 36:477–507. DOI 10.1007/s10508-007-9175-2

Topic 16: Intimacy

Topic 16: Intimacy

Perhaps one of the most difficult issues to address in promoting sexual health is the desire for intimacy. Too often intimacy is seen as “sexual intercourse.” The goal of this topic is to expand the understanding of intimacy by looking at different types of intimacy. Without a doubt, many individuals are stuck on a limited view of intimacy and often use sexual behavior to try to get other needs meet. As you review incidents in your sex history and timeline, think about the times when having sexual contact that you may have been searching for something else entirely. By the end of this topic, it is hoped that you will be able to clarify your primary intimacy needs, as well as begin to think about healthy ways to get those needs met.

There are a variety of definitions of intimacy. Perhaps the easiest definition of intimacy is the feeling of connection with another person. One of the best definitions I heard was about 20 years ago. Intimacy is the soul to soul connection between two people. Intimacy is more than simply saying, “Hi,” but a connection with openness and honesty. The need or desire to be connected with others is healthy and normal. Most of our life is about the experience of intimacy. This simple reality is dismissed when intimacy is reduced to sexual contact.

It is important to highlight that intimacy can include sexual contact; but it is equally important to highlight that not all intimacy is about sexual contact. It is possible to be very intimate with another person without any sexual contact. It is also possible to have sexual contact that is lacking in intimacy, and may actually harm intimacy particularly if it is exploitative or abusive.

Types of intimacy

To expand our understanding of intimacy, it is helpful to review different types of intimacy. Two researchers, a husband and wife team (Clinebell and Clinebell, 1970) identified twelve types of intimacy. These are included below. Their focus was on marriage relationships, but I tried to build on their work by expanding their definitions.

Sexual intimacy is more than the bringing together of sexual organs. It is more than the reciprocal sensual arousal of the partners and even than mutual fulfillment in orgasm. It is the experience of sharing and self-abandon in the merging of two persons. There are types of sexual intimacy beyond bodily contact. Sometimes simply talking about sex is very intimate. For some of my clients, I am the first person they have every talked to about sexuality concerns, behaviors or issue. I would argue that talking about the deepest and darkest secrets in the realm of sexuality is a form of sexual intimacy. (And, as a pre-emptive disclaimer, I have never violated any sexual boundaries with any client. Simply highlighting that sexual intimacy may be more than sexual contact with the corresponding fears that it can trigger confirms the very bias of our culture and the assumptions of intimacy that I’m trying to address in this workbook.)

Emotional intimacy is the deep self- awareness and sharing of significant meanings and feelings. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of all other forms of intimacy. It is the ability to talk openly, without fear. And when fear is present, to disclosure that fear in such a way to facilitate a stronger and closer relationship. Emotional intimacy includes the ability to share one’s hopes and dreams.

Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing the world of ideas. This can include addressing similar concerns, or interests. Intellectual intimacy can range from hobbies, topics, or current events. There is a genuine respect for each individual’s opinion. Agreement on the topic isn’t necessarily required for intellectual intimacy. It is the process of sharing, reflection and discussion which highlights the aspects of intellectual intimacy.

Aesthetic intimacy related to experiences of beauty. Various expressions of this can include typical expressions of art, music, plays and movies. Other experiences of this type of intimacy can include natural beauty such as sunrises, listening to a thunderstorm, and taking a day hike through a park.

Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared creativity. Sometimes this can include aspects of aesthetic intimacy. The key component of creative intimacy is the process of co-creating with the other person in the particular encounter. In the connection, you are experiencing growth and I’m experiencing growth through the movement toward new possibilities.

Recreational intimacy refers to the experience of play. It talks about stepping outside of work and struggles of life, and simply spending time together. The types of play may vary and include sports, outdoor activities, indoor activities, and the like. Sometimes other intimacies are incorporated into recreational activities such as going to a movie (aesthetic) and then talking about it afterward (intellectual).

Work intimacy occurs in the sharing of tasks, either at home or at work. It can include projects, events, or simply the process of long-term commitment regarding work or family. The corresponding feelings of satisfaction when completing a task with another person is an example of work intimacy. These tasks could include completing a project at work, or finishing cleaning up the house at work.

Crisis intimacy is the intimacy that occurs as a result of major and minor tragedies. Personal crises may be illness or accidents. Larger forms of crisis intimacy can be community experiences in response to a natural disaster. In these situations, individuals step outside of their limits and connect. Strangers will go above and beyond typical experience.

Commitment intimacy is the experience of hope and possibility in response to addressing some issue, cause or event that is bigger than one person alone. This can range from a short-term task (completing a social service project at work) to a never ending task such as social justice for the poor. It is the process of transforming the world relative to the task that is the source of intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy is the connection that develops through sharing with others the most important areas of concerns including values, meaning for life, and the core of our being. It is an experience of possibility and transcendence beyond the daily experience of who we are. It can be connected to religious traditions and practices, but ultimately it is about how we connect with God (in whatever way we describe God).

Strategies for building Intimacy in your life.

Now that we have a reviewed the types of intimacy, the next step is to highlight how to build intimacy in your life. The following are simply ideas and suggestions. They are far from the “only way” or the “correct way.” The suggestions are, however, based on research and experience in the field.

Start by identifying which of the types of intimacy above are the most important to you. Which three, for example do you want in your life? How would you know if they were present? Next, who in your life could you start to develop intimacy by being open and honest with? This could be difficult for some people, so a slow start is OK. Where might you find people with similar interests?

Intimate relationships can be brief or long. We are taught to think of intimacy in terms of “Hollywood” or “Disney” movie moments. Yet, if we look to the present moment, there are many types of connection occurring all the time. To limit our ability to see these intimate connections limits our ability to experience intimacy. How am I connected to the person next to me at this time.

Recognize barriers to intimacy.
Barriers to intimacy can be internal and external. Internal barriers reflect issues in our life and how we interact with others. They may be historical (history of abuse) or current (shame or depression) These barriers can be unhealthy thoughts we have of our self or that we have of others. Overcoming, correcting and changing these thoughts is necessary. One example of a barrier is someone who identifies as a gay man, but believes he is sinful. Such a person must address the internal story before healthy intimacy is possible. External barriers may be isolation, or lack of resources to connect with others. In these situations, setting up plans can be a helpful tool. Other times the barrier may be a lack of skills that negatively impacts a person’s ability to share with others. In these cases, therapy and coaching may be helpful.

Risk
Take appropriate risks. You will not find intimacy when you shut down and isolate out of fear. Intimacy often requires a bit of pain, either through rejection, failure or simply being betrayed. It is not possible to avoid these risks and try to have intimacy. It is your reaction to the hurts and the fears that can actually facilitate additional opportunities for intimacy. The reality is that the other person is probably just as fearful as you are. The question is which person will be the first to transcend their fear.


Application
As you review your sexual history and your timeline, think about how intimacy, or the lack of intimacy is related to your life. Where you searching for a type of intimacy through sexual contact? How satisfied where you with the contact? Which intimacy needs are the most important? Who in your life can help you get these needs met.

Assignment.
Identify the top three types of intimacy that are the most important for you.
Identify 3-5 people who can help you meet those intimacy needs.
If you aren’t satisfied, identify a plan to increase your level of satisfaction.

Topic 14. Primary Thinking Error

While we might use multiple thinking errors over time, there is a constant theme that is present. This theme I’ve labeled the core thought. This core thought is the foundation of how we make sense of much of the world. Or, to put it more actually, it is the story that we use to first interpret a situation. And the less information we have about what is happening in real time, the more likely we are to base our assessment on the core thought. As integral as this pattern of thinking is in our life, it is very difficult to recognize the core. Two analogies might help explain why it is difficult to recognize. For those who wear glasses, you “forget” that you wear them. Another example is driving yourself home, you don’t “think” about the directions/streets to take, you simply drive. And after you’ve moved, you have to “think” about getting home so you don’t automatically drive to the old residence.

Too often it is this core thought that drives our behavior. As an example, the core thought is “I don’t fit in,” I will do a lot of things to fit in. I might look for ways that I don’t fit in as a way to justify my behaviors. For example, I might not say “no” so I’m not rejected. I might use so I fit in. Or, if something happens such as being rejected, we conclude this as another example of how we don’t fit in. We are always looking for the perfect situation where I will never have to worry about fitting in. We do things to either make it come true, or prevent it from coming true, or in reaction to the fear that it might be true.

Identifying the core thought.

There is no easy way to identify the core thought directly. I typically try to “vector” in and help the client identify the core thought. This is done by approaching the thought from a number of directions. None of them appear to make the process easy, but it is helpful. I’d recommend that you simply list the thoughts that come to mind without trying to analyze them too much at this point.

1. One approach is to review the topic on thinking errors. Which thinking errors stand outs out as having the most intense reaction relative to the other thinking errors? It might be in agreement with the thinking error where you say “I say this a lot.” Or in reaction to that thinking error “That is NOT me…no way.” Of any of the thinking error examples that elicit a reaction, think about why the reaction occurred.

2. Another approach is to look at an incident where you acted out, as you complete a behavioral analysis track the thoughts backward. I like to use an example of dominos. The current thought is based on a preceding thought just like the current domino falling is triggered by the previous domino all the way back to the initial domino. That initial thought might be the core thought.

3. What triggers the strongest anger reaction? Before you “explode,” what is the internal conversation or thought you are having? What is the assumption of what you think the other person said, or your assumption of what happened? As referenced in the power of thinking, the core thought is so automatic that it is difficult to recognize.

4. A fourth approach is to have a few friends who you trust give you feedback. Ask them to answer the following questions. When something happens in y life that I don’t like, what do you see is my first response? When I talk to you for support, what appears to be the pattern of my struggles? What do you see as the issue that I get the most angry about?

5. Look back over times in your life when things didn’t go the way you wanted. It could be “big things,” such as losing a job or getting called into the boss’ office, etc. What is your thought as you first heard about the results? It could also be small things that can help you see the core thought, such as plans with a friend falling through. What do you say to yourself in that internal conversation to make sense of the situation?

6. When you look at the list of thoughts, restate them in a simple way. I encourage my clients to say the thought as a six or seven year old might say the thought.

These are simply six ways that may be helpful in identifying the core thought. It is important to emphasize that we are looking for a “thought” and not a feeling. If you identify a feeling in the process, ask yourself “Why do you feel that? What is the thought that creates that feeling?” Too often people will say my core thought is that “I am bad” or “I’m not good enough.” My response is to ask “why” do you feel that. If this process works, great. If it doesn’t that is OK. It is simply a tool. You might be able to identify the core thought later on as you start to look at incidents as they occur in real time.

Some sample core thoughts

• It’s my fault
• I can’t do it.
• It doesn’t matter.
• Why try
• This won’t work
• You can make me
• I can do what I want
• I don’t fit in
• Nobody wants me

As difficult as to identify the core thought, the reward for identifying/recognizing the core thought is amazing. Consider the reality that you can’t break a bad habit if you don’t know you’re doing a bad habit. In golf, for example, coaches are often helping you “unlearn” bad habits that you picked up along the way. So it is with the core thought. It is a habitual way of thinking. When recognized, new opportunities are possible. Part of freedom is to not to do what I want, but to choose the direction I want to go. As you recognize how present the core thought is, you can make a different choice toward something else that is more important. This will be covered in the future under “goal” theory and “purpose.”