Last week I saw a tremendous response to Negotiating Sex With Your Partner. Many of you emailed me saying you have tried everything I mentioned in my first article but are still having problems. So if you're like many others who've tried to talk to their partner and still have issues, this article is for you.
That first article was an introduction into the basics of negotiating sex in your relationship. If you have shared your likes and dislikes and are still having problems, the next step requires a bit of hard work and honest discussions with your partner and also with yourself.
Prioritizing
Some relationships are not focused on sex because they are rich in other ways, such as shared values or emotional connections. Consider the importance of your sexual request. Are you willing to live without it? In looking at the whole picture you might have to agree not to engage in the behavior. This is often the case in 'kinkier' types of sexual behavior. If you absolutely are unwilling to live without the type of sexual behavior, consider the next two ideas.
Substituting
If your need or desire is important enough that you choose to not live without it, you and your partner need to negotiate an alternative way to get your sexual needs met. This can be difficult and elicit significant fear, jealousy and raise other issues. It may or may not require changes in the type of your relationship. For example, if your partner loves BDSM and you don't, would you be comfortable if your partner visited these kinds of websites in order for him to chat with others so he can indulge in the fantasy? Or, if you are both "bottoms" you may have to incorporate "toys" into the relationship.
Transitioning
In my experience, ongoing and significant issues regarding sex can be symptoms of underlying problems with the relationship. While no one likes to hear it, the failure to arrive at a solution might suggest the relationship may not be a healthy one. A hard and honest look at your relationship may reveal it isn't healthy and may need to end. An example of behavior in an unhealthy relationship might include saying things like “Yes I’ll do it” but never intending to follow through. Or constantly trying to persuade your partner to engage in a behavior is also manipulation and not a healthy sign. If you are both stuck in this area and don't see a solution, seeking outside professional help may be the best and possibly the last option for you.
Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Negotiating Sex with your partner part 1
"My partner wants me to talk dirty to him, be rough and call him names. I have a real hard time with any of that even though he's asked me to on more than one occasion."
One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof.
The main goal in any couples counseling relationship is open and honest communication about what you want, what makes you happy, and what you don’t want. A key component of sexual health is a similarity between your values and your behaviors. It's your responsibility to communicate these values with your partner(s). The decision about the degree to which any behavior is consistent with your values ultimately rests with you.
As you think about sex with your partner, there are four general subjects that are important to address.
1) Tell him – Have you communicated what you like and don’t like with your partner? Too many times I’ve run into couples saying to one another “I didn’t know that.” For any number of reasons (shame, self-esteem, fear of being judged, not wanting to upset their partner), clients won’t talk about their likes and dislikes. Now is not the time to be bashful.
2) Ask him – Once you know what you like, do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? It's important not only to know what but why he or she has these interests. For example, I worked with a couple where one guy wouldn’t bottom because it physically hurt. It turned out the pain was due to anal warts, and once those were addressed, the problem went away.
3) Learn – Don't be shy if you don't know how to do something. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you need to learn some basics regarding foreplay, stretching the sphincter muscle, proper clean up and so on.
4) Get help – If after going through the first 3 steps you find you are still having problems, you may want to seek some outside help. This doesn't necessarily mean therapy or counseling, although professional help is a very good option for more challenging problems. Try having a frank, "out of the box" conversation in which you look at creative outlets and avenues to get your sexual needs met. These could include talking to your spiritual adviser, attending a body electric or similar sexuality workshop, or reading "The Joy of Gay Sex." Each of these interventions might be helpful in breaking the log jam in your relationship.
One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof.
The main goal in any couples counseling relationship is open and honest communication about what you want, what makes you happy, and what you don’t want. A key component of sexual health is a similarity between your values and your behaviors. It's your responsibility to communicate these values with your partner(s). The decision about the degree to which any behavior is consistent with your values ultimately rests with you.
As you think about sex with your partner, there are four general subjects that are important to address.
1) Tell him – Have you communicated what you like and don’t like with your partner? Too many times I’ve run into couples saying to one another “I didn’t know that.” For any number of reasons (shame, self-esteem, fear of being judged, not wanting to upset their partner), clients won’t talk about their likes and dislikes. Now is not the time to be bashful.
2) Ask him – Once you know what you like, do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? It's important not only to know what but why he or she has these interests. For example, I worked with a couple where one guy wouldn’t bottom because it physically hurt. It turned out the pain was due to anal warts, and once those were addressed, the problem went away.
3) Learn – Don't be shy if you don't know how to do something. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you need to learn some basics regarding foreplay, stretching the sphincter muscle, proper clean up and so on.
4) Get help – If after going through the first 3 steps you find you are still having problems, you may want to seek some outside help. This doesn't necessarily mean therapy or counseling, although professional help is a very good option for more challenging problems. Try having a frank, "out of the box" conversation in which you look at creative outlets and avenues to get your sexual needs met. These could include talking to your spiritual adviser, attending a body electric or similar sexuality workshop, or reading "The Joy of Gay Sex." Each of these interventions might be helpful in breaking the log jam in your relationship.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
New Years Resolutions
One of the traditions at the start of a new year is the typical "New Years Resolutions." Examples include those such as a "promise" to not do that again, improve your body, exercise more, and/or to improve your health. As you examine your life, I encourage you to identify a specific and measurable commitment you are willing to take in any of the topics within the concept of sexual health (That means you have a range of topics to from which to select). The task you select should be time focused, measurable, and reflective of your goals. I'd encourage you to also think "incremental" versus an all or nothing approach. Some examples that might be helpful.
1) I will spend 1 hour quality time with my partner on a daily basis.
2) I will spend no more than 1 hour per day using the computer for sexual behavior.
3) I will attend 1 meeting per week.
4) I will exercise 20 minutes 3 times per week.
Once you reach this goal on a regular basis, you can change or add an additional goal. So, once you have decreased the amount of time to 1 hour a week, you might change the goal to no more than 30 minutes per day. You might increase your support network by finding another way to get your intimacy needs met in a healthy way.
Share your goal with 2 other people to gain support.
Weston
1) I will spend 1 hour quality time with my partner on a daily basis.
2) I will spend no more than 1 hour per day using the computer for sexual behavior.
3) I will attend 1 meeting per week.
4) I will exercise 20 minutes 3 times per week.
Once you reach this goal on a regular basis, you can change or add an additional goal. So, once you have decreased the amount of time to 1 hour a week, you might change the goal to no more than 30 minutes per day. You might increase your support network by finding another way to get your intimacy needs met in a healthy way.
Share your goal with 2 other people to gain support.
Weston
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