Relationship Health Exercise

An exercise to help you identify strengths and weaknesses in your relationship is to graph topics on to a target.

On a LARGE piece of paper, start by drawing a target with three circles. You are essentially drawing a target that you might use for a bow/etc. The outer circle should take up the entire paper. Within that circle, center a mid-size circle. And within the middle circle, draw another smaller size circle.

The outer circle is where you will write the “red” topics (see below). They represent the concerns furthest from the “bulls-eye.” These are the topics that are most out of balance, and represent your biggest concerns in the relationship.

The middle circle represents the “yellow” topics. They are the one’s you might modify with “It depends.” The yellow topics could also represent what is getting better (a red moving toward green) or getting worse (green moving toward the red). Also, the yellow circle might represent issues you will address later. Finally, they yellow circle may represent issues that you simply never thought about before, but you recognize as important for you.

The inner circle represents the “green” topics. These are the topics that you have a lot of satisfaction with in your life. They are topics that reflect the joys, hopes and desires that are in agreement with your values and what you want.

What follows are a number of topics that you will graph into one of the circles. Chart any/all of the following as appropriate. Focus on how you perceive the topic, and not on how you think you should perceive it. This is YOUR list, not your partner’s list. Your partner will be invited to do his/her own list. If not a concern or issue, simply cross it out and leave it off the graph. Remember:

RED: Unhappy, problem, concern
YELLOW: Depends, sometimes, getting better/worse/Don’t know but should.
GREEN: Strengths, likes, happy about.

First, let’s address your frame of reference.

Your comfort in talking about sex.
Disclosing your sex history
Your cultural values regarding relationships
Your feelings of shame
Your feelings of guilt
Your sexual identity/sexual orientation
Your sexual functioning
Your sexual skills
The types of sexual contact with your partner
The frequency of sexual contact
Your safer-sex behaviors (risk for pregnancy/HIV/STI)
Your sexual compulsivity behaviors.
Your sexual avoidance behaviors
Your Alcohol Use
Your other chemical Use.
Your eating behaviors
Your spending behaviors
Your mental health diagnosis(es)
Your experience of sexual, physical or emotional abuse.
Your level of internet/technology use.
Your level of online sexual behavior
Your types of online sexual behavior.
Your body image.
Your partner’s view of your body
Your frequency of Masturbation
Your ability to engage in assertive communication
Your personal boundaries
Your Desire for intimacy
Your most important types of intimacy
The type of Touch/physical intimacy
The frequency of touch/physical intimacy.
Your ability to talk to your partner
Your spiritual values
Your religious beliefs


Next, let’s address your partner’s frame of reference. Chart YOUR view of the following. Again, this is what YOU think, not what you think your partner thinks you should think. Your partner will graph his/her perception of you.

Your partner’s comfort in talking about sex.
Disclosure of our partner’s sex history
Your partner’s cultural values regarding relationships
Your partner’s feelings of shame
Your partner’s feelings of guilt
Your partner’s sexual identity/sexual orientation
Your partner’s sexual functioning
Your partner’s sexual skills
Your partner’s desired types of sexual contact
Your partner’s desired frequency of sexual contact
Your partner’s safer-sex behaviors (risk for pregnancy/HIV/STI)
Your partner’s sexual compulsivity behaviors.
Your partner’s sexual avoidance behaviors
Your partner’s Alcohol Use
Your partner’s other chemical Use.
Your partner’s eating behaviors
Your partner’s spending behaviors
Your partner’s mental health diagnosis(es)
Your partner’s experience of sexual, physical or emotional abuse.
Your partner’s level of internet/technology use.
Your partner’s level of online sexual behavior
Your partner’s types of online sexual behavior.
Your partner’s body image.
Your partner’s view of your body.
Your partner’s frequency of Masturbation
Your partner’s ability to engage in assertive communication
Your partner’s personal boundaries
Your partner’s desire for intimacy
Your partner’s most important types of intimacy
Your partner’s type of Touch/physical intimacy
Your partner’s frequency of touch/physical intimacy.
Your partner’s ability to talk to you.
Your partner’s spiritual values
Your partner’s religious beliefs

The list is far from exhaustive (although it is long). Are there any topics you’re happy about that are not on the list? What about any topics you’re worried about, or are a major concern. Add them to your chart.


What’s next?
You can use this list to highlight treatment issues for your progress. After you complete your project, you might review your target with your partner and vice-versa. You can learn a lot about each other by recognizing similarities and differences in the perception of the topics. Discuss the areas where you are different in respectful ways. The differences may trigger additional reactions for additional therapy. By the way, where you are in agreement with positive aspects, congrats and enjoy.