Thursday, April 30, 2009

Do all men cheat

"I met a guy online and we have "played" many times during his lunch break. He is partnered and I am single "in the closet". I have asked him whether he feels bad that he is cheating on his BF. He has mentioned that we do sex acts that his lover does not. I have barebacked him a few times and he doesn't seem to worry that I might give him HIV or an STD. Are all gay relationships like this?"

In short, this guy is playing you. He’s using you and his partner and is putting all of you at risk for HIV/STDs (but frankly, so are you). The lack of honesty in his relationship is a major concern for me.

The fact is, not all gay relationships are like the example you mention. Gay relationships cover the entire spectrum from monogamous partnered relationships to no-strings casual sex relationships. In between are negotiated rules, modified relationships and just about everything else.

What works for me as a healthy relationship includes at least these four values:

This is the experience when any sexual behavior makes you feel alive and energized as part of the experience. Your personal identity (and your partner’s) is affirmed, created and even expanded. You can walk away from the experience with your head held high. Sexual behavior is sometimes referred to as “adult play” suggesting a sense of fun and playfulness.

Open and Honest
Healthy sexuality is above board, open, and honest. While you may not talk about the incident with everyone because of discretion, you could disclose the activity. The sexual behavior is consistent with your values.

Full consent and awareness are present. Consent implies that all partners are actively giving permission to engage in the behavior. Consent also implies respect for the partner’s boundaries and limits. If consent is removed (i.e., stop, no, I do not want to), the behavior must stop. Any person can remove consent at any time for any reason.

This value requires you to ultimately assert fully your sexual needs, likes and dislikes. It is up to you to affirm and do the necessary reflection for the protection and communication of your values.

I don’t think the situation you describe is open and honest as well as consensual for all involved. I challenge you to think about whether or not having sex with this guy is consistent with YOUR values. I named 4 values above, but you may have additional values that may guide your decision.

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