Aging and Sexuality

One of the inevitable realities of the human body is the fact we age.  Every one of us will need to address the impact of aging on our sexuality.  The cultural messages about aging and sexuality was briefly highlighted in the cultural and identity section. Two classic examples are the belief that “Old people are alone.” “Sex is only for the young.” As you build your recovery, it is important to address the cultural messages you have heard about aging.  This can be done by examining each section in the workbook with the questions, “What is the impact of aging on _____(fill in the blank).  “What is the relationship between __________(fill in the blank), aging, and my chemical use.”   One example of this relationship is that we might use chemicals as a way to cope with the loneliness we feel as we age.

It is also important to address the physical consequences of aging on the physical body and the impact on sexuality.  The range in changes that occur in the body as we age are significant.  A few of these changes are listed simply to get you started in your journey.

The intensity of the sexual response cycle changes as we age.  It may take longer to get aroused. For both men and women, the intensity of arousal can slowly decrease as we get older.  The intensity of the orgasm may lesson. The refractory period between orgasms increases. 

 Men and women struggle with changes to our genitals.  Women might not create enough lubrication for penetration. Men often loose intensity in erections.

Hormonal changes for both men and women occur.  Menopause was briefly highlighted in the section on Women’s Sexuality.  Men’s level of testosterone slowly decreases over time.

 Our body changes, as compared to the unrealistic ideal images of a man or woman.

Assignment

Review your responses to the messages you have about aging from the section on Cultural Identity (page).

Describe 2-3 examples where your sexual expression has changed as a result of aging.

Describe 2-3 sexual health concerns you have as you grow older.

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

While working with Harry Faddis (see the 3-minute game post), he added an optional version to the 3 minute game. 

The game can be adapted (or extended) any number of ways.  For example, substitute the following phrases, or make one of your own.

Alternative version #1

Round 1: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

“What would you like to say to me?

The second person then says whatever he/she wants to say to the first person for 3 minutes starting with “I would like to say _______ (fill in the blank).”

Round 2: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

            What I would like you to say to me is ________ (fill in the blank).

The second person describes what he/she would like the first person to say. The person responding to the question can ask for anything to the person asking the question. Examples, “I want you to tell me how beautiful I am.” “I want you to tell me how ‘hot’ (or sexy, or whatever) I am.”  “I want you to tell me how much you love me.”  The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something that you want the other person to say to you. The person says these things for 3 minutes starting with “I want to say to you _______ (fill in the blank with the requested statement).

The Puzzle of Drugs, Alcohol, Sex, and Other Behaviors

The Puzzle of Drugs, Alcohol, Sex, and Other Behaviors

Sexuality is a complicated puzzle that many individuals don’t address during “treatment,” and it is a major factor in recovery and sobriety. The first time most individuals in recovery start addressing sexuality is during the 4^th step and the fearless moral inventory that raises sexuality as a series of questions. While helpful, the questions are minimal and don’t necessarily provide a robust path on the journey toward integrating sexuality and recovery. Sexuality is an area than can trigger a relapse. It is often the last piece of the puzzle client’s address in recovery. In my experience, the link between sexuality and drugs is pretty clear. At this point, a few examples can highlight the relationship. For many individuals who used crystal methamphetamine, the high is often linked to an intense sexual craving/drive. Recovery for the crystal meth addict will often require unlinking the drug/sex connection. Next, alcohol is considered liquid courage helping people overcome the fear of rejection. Furthermore, chemicals can deaden the pain of loneliness or provide an outlet when someone is bored. Another example, in early recovery clients often gain significant weight triggering negative feelings around body image.

Three Minute Game

A new piece from the workbook. 

(Harry Faddis of Easton Mountain Created this Game.  Used with permission.)

Info about Harry Faddis 

The Three Minute game is an exercise you complete with a sexual partner. It is a safe and playful way to sexually experiment with your partner. The goal is to learn to ask for what you want. It builds on the Assertive Communication exercise (page 60). We often believe we don’t have permission, or we don’t know how to ask our partner for what we want. The three minutes per turn is helpful since you can try anything for three minutes at least once. Be creative and explorative. Be the adult kid in the adult candy shop! If you don’t like it, you will have at least tried a different activity. There are two rounds, with each person having a turn in each round, for a total of 12 minutes. Determine who will go first.

Round 1: Round one has you ask your partner to do something to you.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The second person responds “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The first person responds “yes,” “no,” or “negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The first person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Round 2: Round two focuses on what you want to do to your partner.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The second person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The first person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

After you complete the two rounds, debrief with your partner. Consider what you liked, disliked, what you felt, thought or experienced. What would you do again, ask for differently, and so on.

Workbook Cover

The new workbook cover.  Scheduled for 10/1/12 release.

Eros and Desire

Writing a new workbook. 
(see next blog post for the picture of the cover)
(release currently scheduled for 10/1/12)

So far in the workbook I have been taking about the general concepts of sexuality. Here I want to highlight the power of Eros and desire.  They are related.  Eros is the sexual energy/attraction that shapes much of our sexuality. It is as much a part of us as our thoughts are part of our mind, seeing is a part of our eyes, hearing is a part of our ears, tasting is a part of our mouth, smelling is a part of our nose, and touching is a part of our skin.  It is a vital part of being human. It is NOT something we can avoid.  So many sexual health problems and chemical use problems are associated with avoiding this powerful sexual energy.  For many people Eros creates a type of existential fear. The paradox of embracing Eros can seem confusing and scary. Rather than run from Eros, using the strategies to cope with existential fear (page 26), and embracing our erotic energy can lead to amazing possibilities. A goal of this workbook is to help you embrace this powerful energy.

I also see desire as a teacher.  Desire is a fundamental yearning that shapes our life.  Previously I talked about payoffs mentioning the concepts of goals, needs, wants.  Beneath these goals, needs, and wants is desire. It is often slippery and hard to understand so we focus on the general language of goals/needs/wants.  Too often, our society condemns desire.  I think this is a mistake. Using the concepts of mindfulness and transference, it is possible to discover amazing things about our desire.  It is even possible to use desire to understand what is sacred in our life.  To see sexuality as a vehicle toward sacredness is a difficult concept to consider in the puritan society in which we live.  Recovery will require us to sit in our desire (i.e., meditation) allowing us to understand some of the most profound aspects of our sexuality. The implicit assumption in a positive sexuality is that Eros and desire are good, powerful, and transformative!