BDSM, Abuse and Sexual Identity

I have a question pertaining to BDSM and sexual orientation. I am a straight male who has on some occasions fantasizes about being submissive to a dominate, older man. I don't look at men in a sexual way. I am never attracted sexually to a man be it on the street, gym, in school, or wherever. I am very attracted to women and I currently am in a healthy heterosexual relationship. However, these fantasies are very confusing to me. If I am not gay, or attracted to men, why do I have these fantasies? My father was a strict disciplinarian, where being tied up and spanked naked as a child was the norm if I miss behaved. Could this stem from this? I need help and I thank you for your time.



My response:

This is a very complex question raising a number of issues. I don’t think I can answer your question with any sense of finality. As a starting point, I would have you think about the following three issues.

1) BDSM is separate from sexual orientation. Why do you like BDSM? Part of that answer appears to be the concept of submission, and what can be more submissive than a straight man submitting to another man. I would guess that the act of submission is the turn-on, regardless of the gender of the partner. In the fantasy you highlight the ultimate submission a guy can experience.
2) Not every sex act between two guys means the person is gay. There are many circumstances where a “straight” guy will have sex with another guy. A colleague highlights 20 reasons here: http://straightguise.com/default.asp?id=1288. Included in his list are examples that parallel in your fantasy.
3) The question about your abuse history does warrant further review. I don’t think the abuse is why you like BDSM. Rather because of the enjoyment of humiliation, you start to remember past experiences where you were humiliated including the abuse you describe. Given my limited understanding of your history, I highlight that this is speculation at this point. I would encourage you to work with a therapist on this issue.