Drugs Sex and Recovery is now available on Amazon

Drugs, Sex and Recovery is now available on Amazon.

Drugs, Sex and Recovery: Fitting the Pieces Together

Drugs, Sex and Recovery: Fitting the Pieces Together.

I'm happy to share (with Pride, and a sense of relief) that my newest workbook is available.


Recovery is about living a better life. Picture a life in recovery in which everything fits together like the pieces of a puzzle. Sexuality is a part of that picture--an important piece of the recovery puzzle that many people fail to examine. Sexuality is often fraught with confusion, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, shame, and avoidance.


The goal of this workbook is to help you recognize the positive power and role of sexuality in your recovery, thereby creating hope and personal fulfillment in your life. By breaking the daunting subject of sexuality into smaller pieces, the workbook allows you to address sexuality in a safe and healing approach. Topics include healthy sexuality, healing from trauma, types of intimacy, relationships, disclosure of information, spirituality, healthy touch, cultural messages, sexual expression, mental health, body image, sexual functioning and many more. For many readers, this will be the first time you deeply examine sexuality and its connection to your chemical use.

As you move through the workbook, questions for reflection are posed to help you examine the relationship between sexuality and your chemical use. Creative exercises move you toward an integrated experience of sexual health. I encourage you to discover, accept, and care for your true sexual self by embarking on this work.

I'm presenting at the Boston Living Soulfully Group on 10/7.  

Follow the Facebook link for more info. 

Exploring Intimacy

What is intimacy?  

How can and do you connect to others?  

Are you a person who has confused sex with the only time of intimacy?  

How can you connect with others in different ways?

In this workshop, we review the topic of intimacy, including different types of intimacies.

During this workshop, you will also complete an interactive exercise to help you identify the type(s) of intimacy that are most important to you. We will use the exercise to help you identify your level of satisfaction regarding your intimacy needs.  We will also talk about the role of the types of intimacy in relationships.

Through this workshop, you will also develop a specific and measurable plan and goal to get your needs met in the following weeks.

https://www.facebook.com/events/340808132675668/

Update on Therapy Hours

Since my recent departure from PRISM, I have been finishing the process of transition my direct service clients. I'm happy to announce that I've completed the transition process. 

I see clients at Neighborhood Involvement Program at 2431 Hennepin Ave S, Minneapolis MN 55403. Right now, I'm only available on Wednesday and Thursday. My hours will grow as I add clients. You can schedule any of the open times. For your convenience, all scheduling is now done online at

https://www.timetrade.com/book/VXLJ6

I currently see clients on a limited basis. I am not a provider for any insurance company (as of 9/4/12--Insurance companies are slow in updating their computer systems when it comes to customer service.).

Fees ($160/50 min hr) are due at the time of service. Courtesy billing to insurance companies is provided, but there is no guarantee of reimbursement of services.

Today's Hate-voicemail.



I received a "nice" voice-message today on the google voice.  I thought I'd share.  It is this type of hate that motivates my work.  Trying to create a clearing for people to heal when they experience.  This stuff goes around all the time.  Help stop hate.  Help others know it can get better.

Weston

The Big “O”rgasm

The Big “O”rgasm

One of the difficulties in sexual functioning and sexual expression is the cultural emphasis and priority on orgasm. The belief that every sex act must result in an orgasm can be a barrier to sexual health. This belief can create performance anxiety inhibiting functioning. You may have the thoughts, “It isn’t good sex unless I had an orgasm.” or, “My partner didn’t enjoy the encounter since she didn’t orgasm.” Undoing the mis-perceptions of orgasm are important. (for example, in men, orgasm and ejaculation are different processes. You may not have both occur at the same time.” 

There are alternatives to emphasizing orgasm. The “Tantric” approach to sexuality is an example of an approach to sexuality that often emphasizes the entire sexual experience and not orgasm. Many of the exercises in the workbook are designed to create pleasurable experiences without an emphasis on orgasm. Yes, you can move any experience toward orgasm, but you don’t have to. The development of sexual skills exercise highlights how orgasm is only one part of the process. All the other skills can be very pleasurable. The exercises on sensual touch and erotic touch are examples of the process. It is possible to have an amazing sexual experience without orgasm.

As you move forward in your sexual health, pay attention to the messages you’ve heard about orgasms. Consider how these messages relate to your chemical use and sexual satisfaction.  One quick way to identify your feelings is to reflect on what you feel when a sexual partner doesn’t orgasm in your presence.  

Aging and Sexuality

One of the inevitable realities of the human body is the fact we age.  Every one of us will need to address the impact of aging on our sexuality.  The cultural messages about aging and sexuality was briefly highlighted in the cultural and identity section. Two classic examples are the belief that “Old people are alone.” “Sex is only for the young.” As you build your recovery, it is important to address the cultural messages you have heard about aging.  This can be done by examining each section in the workbook with the questions, “What is the impact of aging on _____(fill in the blank).  “What is the relationship between __________(fill in the blank), aging, and my chemical use.”   One example of this relationship is that we might use chemicals as a way to cope with the loneliness we feel as we age.

It is also important to address the physical consequences of aging on the physical body and the impact on sexuality.  The range in changes that occur in the body as we age are significant.  A few of these changes are listed simply to get you started in your journey.

The intensity of the sexual response cycle changes as we age.  It may take longer to get aroused. For both men and women, the intensity of arousal can slowly decrease as we get older.  The intensity of the orgasm may lesson. The refractory period between orgasms increases. 

 Men and women struggle with changes to our genitals.  Women might not create enough lubrication for penetration. Men often loose intensity in erections.

Hormonal changes for both men and women occur.  Menopause was briefly highlighted in the section on Women’s Sexuality.  Men’s level of testosterone slowly decreases over time.

 Our body changes, as compared to the unrealistic ideal images of a man or woman.

Assignment

Review your responses to the messages you have about aging from the section on Cultural Identity (page).

Describe 2-3 examples where your sexual expression has changed as a result of aging.

Describe 2-3 sexual health concerns you have as you grow older.

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

Optional Version to the 3-Minute Game:

While working with Harry Faddis (see the 3-minute game post), he added an optional version to the 3 minute game. 

The game can be adapted (or extended) any number of ways.  For example, substitute the following phrases, or make one of your own.

Alternative version #1

Round 1: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

“What would you like to say to me?

The second person then says whatever he/she wants to say to the first person for 3 minutes starting with “I would like to say _______ (fill in the blank).”

Round 2: The first person says to the second person (each taking a turn)

            What I would like you to say to me is ________ (fill in the blank).

The second person describes what he/she would like the first person to say. The person responding to the question can ask for anything to the person asking the question. Examples, “I want you to tell me how beautiful I am.” “I want you to tell me how ‘hot’ (or sexy, or whatever) I am.”  “I want you to tell me how much you love me.”  The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something that you want the other person to say to you. The person says these things for 3 minutes starting with “I want to say to you _______ (fill in the blank with the requested statement).

The Puzzle of Drugs, Alcohol, Sex, and Other Behaviors

The Puzzle of Drugs, Alcohol, Sex, and Other Behaviors

Sexuality is a complicated puzzle that many individuals don’t address during “treatment,” and it is a major factor in recovery and sobriety. The first time most individuals in recovery start addressing sexuality is during the 4^th step and the fearless moral inventory that raises sexuality as a series of questions. While helpful, the questions are minimal and don’t necessarily provide a robust path on the journey toward integrating sexuality and recovery. Sexuality is an area than can trigger a relapse. It is often the last piece of the puzzle client’s address in recovery. In my experience, the link between sexuality and drugs is pretty clear. At this point, a few examples can highlight the relationship. For many individuals who used crystal methamphetamine, the high is often linked to an intense sexual craving/drive. Recovery for the crystal meth addict will often require unlinking the drug/sex connection. Next, alcohol is considered liquid courage helping people overcome the fear of rejection. Furthermore, chemicals can deaden the pain of loneliness or provide an outlet when someone is bored. Another example, in early recovery clients often gain significant weight triggering negative feelings around body image.

Three Minute Game

A new piece from the workbook. 

(Harry Faddis of Easton Mountain Created this Game.  Used with permission.)

Info about Harry Faddis 

The Three Minute game is an exercise you complete with a sexual partner. It is a safe and playful way to sexually experiment with your partner. The goal is to learn to ask for what you want. It builds on the Assertive Communication exercise (page 60). We often believe we don’t have permission, or we don’t know how to ask our partner for what we want. The three minutes per turn is helpful since you can try anything for three minutes at least once. Be creative and explorative. Be the adult kid in the adult candy shop! If you don’t like it, you will have at least tried a different activity. There are two rounds, with each person having a turn in each round, for a total of 12 minutes. Determine who will go first.

Round 1: Round one has you ask your partner to do something to you.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The second person responds “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“I would like you to do ________(fill in the blank) to me.”

The first person responds “yes,” “no,” or “negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. The person asking the question has the permission to ask for anything. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The first person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Round 2: Round two focuses on what you want to do to your partner.

Turn 1: The first person says to the second person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The second person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

Turn 2: The second person now says to the first person:

“What would you like to do ________(fill in the blank) to me?

The first person describes what he/she would like to do. The person responding to the question has the permission to do anything to the person asking the question. The first person responds, “yes,” “no,” or negotiates an alternative. The key, however is to respond “yes” as much as possible. I encourage you to ask for something beyond your self-imposed limits. The second person does the behavior for 3 minutes.

After you complete the two rounds, debrief with your partner. Consider what you liked, disliked, what you felt, thought or experienced. What would you do again, ask for differently, and so on.

Workbook Cover

The new workbook cover.  Scheduled for 10/1/12 release.

Eros and Desire

Writing a new workbook. 
(see next blog post for the picture of the cover)
(release currently scheduled for 10/1/12)

So far in the workbook I have been taking about the general concepts of sexuality. Here I want to highlight the power of Eros and desire.  They are related.  Eros is the sexual energy/attraction that shapes much of our sexuality. It is as much a part of us as our thoughts are part of our mind, seeing is a part of our eyes, hearing is a part of our ears, tasting is a part of our mouth, smelling is a part of our nose, and touching is a part of our skin.  It is a vital part of being human. It is NOT something we can avoid.  So many sexual health problems and chemical use problems are associated with avoiding this powerful sexual energy.  For many people Eros creates a type of existential fear. The paradox of embracing Eros can seem confusing and scary. Rather than run from Eros, using the strategies to cope with existential fear (page 26), and embracing our erotic energy can lead to amazing possibilities. A goal of this workbook is to help you embrace this powerful energy.

I also see desire as a teacher.  Desire is a fundamental yearning that shapes our life.  Previously I talked about payoffs mentioning the concepts of goals, needs, wants.  Beneath these goals, needs, and wants is desire. It is often slippery and hard to understand so we focus on the general language of goals/needs/wants.  Too often, our society condemns desire.  I think this is a mistake. Using the concepts of mindfulness and transference, it is possible to discover amazing things about our desire.  It is even possible to use desire to understand what is sacred in our life.  To see sexuality as a vehicle toward sacredness is a difficult concept to consider in the puritan society in which we live.  Recovery will require us to sit in our desire (i.e., meditation) allowing us to understand some of the most profound aspects of our sexuality. The implicit assumption in a positive sexuality is that Eros and desire are good, powerful, and transformative!

Sexual Intelligence aka Sexual Health aka Sexual Wellness

I’ve been reading Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein (Described at www.sexualintelligence.org).  He defines sexual intelligence as “self-knowledge, self-acceptance and communication.”  I like much of what he says.  Whether we call it sexual health, sexual wellness, or sexual intelligence, each individual needs to “know” himself/herself including what we like, what we don’t like, how to talk to our partner about what we like and don’t like. Knowing thyself is the key to my approach in the workbooks (www.livingalifeilovebooks.com). Too many individuals struggle in the realm of sexuality.  In my professional work, I see many individuals who link sex and drugs; drugs are often used to cope with the same and guilt of sex.    

My Manifesto

A manifesto expresses many of my core beliefs that I bring to the coaching relationship. The manifesto are declarations that reflect my wisdom, insight and deep knowing of what it means to be human and alive. I share these declarations to create a foundation that informs you about what to expect in our coaching relationship.

 • I believe life is a journey. My role is walk with you when the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe life requires courage to continue forward when the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe life is to be celebrated, even when we feel lost.
 • I believe there are alternatives when the path appears lost.
 • I believe within each of us is an intuitive understanding of our path.
 • I believe identifying life values helps illuminate the path.
 • I believe we experience freedom when we walk this path consistent with our values.
 • I believe it requires tremendous courage to continue when the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe amazing things are possible when we are on our path.
 • I believe for many individuals sexuality is an area where the path appears confused, choked, dark or impassable.
 • I believe sexuality is a powerful source of healing and transformation.
 • I believe sexuality integrates who we are. When we see possibilities, it is possible to experience healing in the area of sexuality.
 • I believe I am on similar life- journey. I celebrate the opportunity to share the journey together. NAMASTE.

Sexual Health in the Internet

I wrote an article for the Journal of Sex Addiction and Compulsivity. It is primarily available to scholarly databases. Nevertheless, the link is here. It is the theory imbedded in the Cybersex workbook which you can read more about here.

Weston

Living a Life I Love website up

The website for the 4 workbooks is "up." The vagaries of the internet resulted in the website disappearing for a while. Please feel free to review extended discussions on the content of the workbooks.

Upcoming trainings

Upcoming Trainings

March 23, 2012: Inter-care, NYC. Addressing the Drama Triangle, Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer in Recovery.

March 25, 2012: Recovery Workshop at Easton Mountain

April 12-13, 2012: Iowa Mental Health Conference. Overlap of Sex, Drugs and the Internet

April 19, 2012: Working with the Gay Sex Offender, MNATSA.org

May 25, 2012: Chicago, Panel Discussion, The importance of addressing sexuality in chemical dependency treatment.

June 1, 2012: WCSAD.COM, Overlap of Sex Drugs and the Internet

June 4-10, 2012 Recovery Camp at Easton Mountain

Life Coaching, Recovery Coaching, and Sexual Health Coaching

I’ve been a bit absent over the past 6 months. In addition to finishing the 2nd edition of Living a Life I Love (available at Amazon), I’ve been working on a Life Coaching Certificate through Adler Graduate school in Minneapolis. Gratefully, I completed the coursework, and program requirements on Wednesday.

If you want to read more about my work as a life coach, check out livingalifeilovecoaching.com. Life coaching is about making a great life a greater life. Even the best athletes have a coach to improve their abilities. Life coaches parallel this commitment to excellence in any and all areas of our life.

My specialty will be in the areas of Life Coaching, Recovery Coaching, and Sexual Health Coaching. Check out the website for more information in each of those areas.

Down under presentation

I’m reminded how much desire and positive energy there is to talk about sexuality. While on vacation in Australia, my friends invited me to present a 45 minute workshop on the new workbook. Based on 1 email list, 26 guys showed up for a conversation about sexual health, and Living A life I Love. The short version, I covered the key of choosing what sexual behavior is most important to you in your life, life goals, Cybersex and the sexual health model. (If you want the long version, search out the blog tags Cybersex, Values, Sexual Health Model, and Personal Definition of Sexual Health for more info).

I am amazed that 26 guys would show up that quickly, with no planning. Special thanks to Peter, David and Nick!